Tmi

[awkward]

I just started imagining this being par for the course where you see acquaintances in the street and say "How have things been?" and they reply "As well as can be, seeing that the old pecker can't perform" LMAOOOOO sorrry....my mind works like that sometimes

 

Funniest thing I've read all day. :laugh:

[Summer Breeze]

I never got TMI from him. She wasn't part of our R and when we were together it was about our time together.

 

Before the A started I had a ridiculous bunch of rule for him and one of them was that if he was going to speak to her he had to leave the room. I let him know I wasn't going to sit quietly, turn off my phone, stifle sneezes. If he wanted to hide it all that was up to him and if he spoke to anyone at all around me I wasn't going to do anything different.

 

His xW gave me more information on ddays than he ever did. Of course there were a few things that came out in conversation but nothing much.

[hippetyhop]

In your A is there/was there anything with regards to the MP's marriage that was too much information for you? Did you listen in on conversations, look at their finances, read emails between them and their spouse, watch videos of them etc?

 

How much did your MP share about their marriage?

 

Did you request that they not share certain details?

 

Were there any details shared which felt awkward?

 

Oohh...good topic.

 

I listened in on their conversations and read texts (over his shoulder)--mostly bickering about the kids. Texts were common with "everything I say you dismiss, so what difference does it matter what I say" (xMM to W).

 

He explained finances--house payments, how much the two of them made together (never knew his separate income), daycare payments, etc. He told me everything.

 

xMM shared quite a bit about their marriage. Nothing about sex life (only prior to A), but would share with me things they were doing either separately, or as a family.

 

To me, the only details were awkward were things they were doing together.

[Sarabi]

Shoot now I want Sarabi to tell me hers! LOL

 

I will! Its norhing terrible...but I just felt it was a bit coarse to write on the forum

I don't know why I can't PM you though...you've got more than 50 posts...

Hmmm...

[cocorico]

In your A is there/was there anything with regards to the MP's marriage that was too much information for you? Did you listen in on conversations, look at their finances, read emails between them and their spouse, watch videos of them etc?

 

How much did your MP share about their marriage?

 

Did you request that they not share certain details?

 

Were there any details shared which felt awkward?

 

From him, no. But I was told a great deal by others. For example, if I helped his Mum around the house, shed thank me profusely and tell me how happy she was he'd found someone like me, that I was "lovely", and that "the other one" was bone idle and just sat around expecting to be waited on all the time, etc. Or, if we were out and I got in a round of drinks, his friends would comment on that, since she "never bought a round, only ever paid for her own. " so I was told a good deal about her, how she behaved with let's, how she treated him in public and at home, etc.

[Cocochai]

Never about their sex life except he wasn't getting it as much as he wanted to.

 

But he'll ask me financial advise or religious advice debates between him and BS wife and I'd always give him a friendship type answer or advise.

Something's I didn't care to know like him taking her out for Mothers Day like who cares... But a lot of stuff I found out just because we were FB friends. So it was always in my face.

[Summer Breeze]

From him, no. But I was told a great deal by others. For example, if I helped his Mum around the house, shed thank me profusely and tell me how happy she was he'd found someone like me, that I was "lovely", and that "the other one" was bone idle and just sat around expecting to be waited on all the time, etc. Or, if we were out and I got in a round of drinks, his friends would comment on that, since she "never bought a round, only ever paid for her own. " so I was told a good deal about her, how she behaved with let's, how she treated him in public and at home, etc.

 

I actually heard quite a lot from his siblings before we even had met. More as time went on but that was it. I don't know if I made an effort not to hear or they made an effort not to say. I was close to his family but they did not like what he was doing to her.

[MissBee]

I never got TMI from him. She wasn't part of our R and when we were together it was about our time together.

 

Before the A started I had a ridiculous bunch of rule for him and one of them was that if he was going to speak to her he had to leave the room. I let him know I wasn't going to sit quietly, turn off my phone, stifle sneezes. If he wanted to hide it all that was up to him and if he spoke to anyone at all around me I wasn't going to do anything different.

 

His xW gave me more information on ddays than he ever did. Of course there were a few things that came out in conversation but nothing much.

 

My situation mimics that as well. It was truly separate situations and I didn't give him any rules, but he himself made it clear in how he acted that our relationship was different from theirs and, as odd as it sounds in the context of what he was doing, he felt they both were to be respected and wouldn't complain to me about her or share details. I think that saved my sanity. From reading here, the details other OW know, I'm flabbergasted, and had I known those things, I cannot imagine how it would have been. I definitely think it would have been led to more subconscious comparisons, competition and further turmoil for me personally.

 

However, I notice it's also about the nature of why the person claims to be stepping out. It appears as though when the stepping out is on a real, or fabricated, premise of having a bad life, that it becomes cathartic to use the AP to vent, as sounding board, as therapist etc. Whereas in situations where it isn't that way, like my own for example, it just doesn't factor in, since there is no bad life to complain about. He talked about work issues, family issues, his dreams, goals, his child, but not stuff pertaining specifically to what she did/did not do for him or why he has issues with her. I just appreciated it a lot!

[MissBee]

From him, no. But I was told a great deal by others. For example, if I helped his Mum around the house, shed thank me profusely and tell me how happy she was he'd found someone like me, that I was "lovely", and that "the other one" was bone idle and just sat around expecting to be waited on all the time, etc. Or, if we were out and I got in a round of drinks, his friends would comment on that, since she "never bought a round, only ever paid for her own. " so I was told a good deal about her, how she behaved with let's, how she treated him in public and at home, etc.

 

 

Who does that....well clearly they do....

 

Seems petty though.

 

I mean, my friends have had SOs I didn't too fancy, but I guess I didn't feel it necessary when they got a new bf/gf to comment out loud that "Thank God you got an upgrade, unlike Sue, who never paid her way" . I mean....to each his/her own of course. But it's poor form in my opinion. I guess I am just a lot more careful about how I cast aspersions, esp about someone not around, to someone else. I would also feel VERY uncomfortable if someone did it to me, like if my boyfriend's mom thanked me for my help then said "You're so helpful, unlike his last gf Jen (worst yet his current wife)".....I am not sure how I'd respond. I'd feel quite awkward about it. Thanks alone would have been compliment enough, comparing me to Jane and how much better I am than her...I'd think her petty and I just assume, based on experience, that people who do that, tend to do it to you too...so it doesn't sit well with me when people act that way.

[Lady2163]

Not to get off topic, but am I the only one that keeps getting Cocochai and Cocorico confused? One broke up with her MM, one is married to her MM... yesterday I kept going back and forth on the posts to see which is which.

 

 

Guilty...too many C's in the name...

 

Sorry, ladies. I'm not dissing your IDs

[WakingUp]

LOL! Thanks for clarifying.

 

I'm laughing because I'm like wow, when someone asks how you are or if all is alright at home, you think to mention your failed erection??? Then how my mind works I just started imagining this being par for the course where you see acquaintances in the street and say "How have things been?" and they reply "As well as can be, seeing that the old pecker can't perform" LMAOOOOO sorrry....my mind works like that sometimes

 

You do realise that next time I run into someone and ask how they are I wont be able to keep a straight face.... this made me laugh so much!

[MissBee]

You do realise that next time I run into someone and ask how they are I wont be able to keep a straight face.... this made me laugh so much!

 

:laugh:

 

Sorry.

[MissBee]

Since in another thread as well, there has been discussion about the sharing in affairs, I was looking this up and came across a research article titled:

 

"Secrecy and Status: The Social Construction of Forbidden Relationships" by sociologist Laurel Richardson, published in the American Sociological Review journal, if anyone's interested.

 

The abstract states:

 

This paper discusses how status and secrecy affect the social construction of secret, forbidden, intimate relationships. Based on an analysis of 65 intensive interviews with single women involved with married men, two stages of intimacy emerge: (1) exchanging secrets about the self or "Becoming Confidantes" and (2) creating mutual secrets or "Becoming a We." The man's marital status, reinforced by his gender and socioeconomic status, has major effects concerning time constraints, expectations of temporariness, and privacy. These lead to intense feelings, idealization, and trust, which enhance the woman's commitment to perpetuating the relationship. The relationship is perpetuated through the construction of mutual secrets (rituals and property), which are imbued with intense symbolic significance. The strategies used to conceal the relationship increase the woman's dependence on it and reduce her power within it. Secrecy protects the interests of the powerful.

 

It talks about the process of being confidantes and how that plays out in EMRs which is like reading on LS basically, but really explains how the TMI dynamic is fueled and also intensifies the relationship or allows it to feel justified/special by the nature. I was like wow...it's like reading LS! :

 

STAGE ONE: BECOMING CONFIDANTES

 

Building an intimate relationship is an accomplishment that is affected by the context in which the intimacy is being built. Yet, little attention has been paid to the structural contexts that impede or enhance self-disclosures and intimacy (but, notably, see Davis 1973). I find that the man's marital status creates a context of privacy, time constraints, and expectations of temporariness that encourage revealing secrets about the self. Revealing them increases the woman's trust in and idealization of her lover and their relationship, which, in turn, intensifies the woman's commitment. The intimacy process is a dynamic one greatly affected by the fact the involved man is a married man. Single women see the beginning and middle phases of their relationships with married men as "total," "emotionally pure," and "uniquely intimate." All the women I interviewed described their lovers as special people. They were seen as "compassionate and exciting," "like no man ever known before," and "every woman's dream." Even women who did not expect to adulate their lovers, women who were "career driven" or usually "emotionally reserved" commented on the "truly special qualities" of their lovers, their "generosity," "openness," "strength of character," and "spontaneity."

 

It further goes on to describe this:

 

Space and time, then, are both controlled by the man's marital status. Privacy leads to semi-autonomous definitions of the meaning of the relationship, time constraints to quality time together, and temporariness to feelings of freedom and safety. This context induces feelings of great emotional intimacy. Typically, the feeling of emotional closeness grows as the man talks about his life, disclosing his fears, hopes, and secrets. One woman said her lover told her "family secrets" that he had shared with no one else, including his wife. Another said, "I know everything about him . . . Everything." The woman feels trusted. The married man's apparent emotional openness and his willingness to be vulnerable is what draws her closer to him. In turn, the woman feels freer to talk about herself, a process much "like an add-a-pearl necklace," where both are "putting pearls [secrets] on the string." A context is established where a woman can let her "guard down" and "let a man know" more about her than "other men ever have." Through these self-disclosures, a feeling of intimacy based on "knowing about another" and "telling about oneself," " as distinct from the creation of mutual secrets, is experienced.

 

Great research article, read it if you can!

Edited August 1, 2013 by MissBee

[MissBee]

As I'm reading more, it really explains a lot:

 

Clandestine liaisons between single women and married men provide a relatively safe place for the single woman to be vulnerable. She can explore her sexuality, experiment with different ways of interacting, and expose her weaknesses (Richardson 1986). But the liaison provides a particularly safe place for the married man to be vulnerable. It is easier to reveal one's deepest feelings in a relationship that can be readily terminated and safer to discard one's veneer when there is little threat of being trapped or dominated-and easiest yet when displaying one's weaknesses is likely to enchant (Sattel1983). Because the double standard is still operative, the risk of betrayal is minimized (Eichler 1980). The woman will be held accountable and blamed, not the man. It is his marital status that is in fact being protected through the secrecy. The ideology of "protecting" the woman's reputation simply reinforces his safety. Popular belief holds that the "other woman" has the most potential power because she can destroy the man's whole life by revealing the affair. For potential power to be actual power, however, it has to be recognized and exercised. The women I interviewed did not publicly reveal their affairs or threaten to. The idea did not even occur to them. What a woman wanted was to maintain a high-quality liaison (Richardson 1985). She had nothing to gain by threatening disclosure and a great deal to lose. Threats would diminish the quality of her relationship, if not end it. Telling the wife required acknowledging the wife's existence, which was not in the single woman's interest (Richardson 1986, pp. 88-107). If she works with her married lover, she would risk her job and be subject to accusations that she exchanged sexual favors for career advancement. Publicly, she would be labelled a "home wrecker." The fact that she did not recognize her supposed potential power to undermine his marriage testifies to its power over her. "Mutual deterrence" is not their basis for trust; minimization of exposure is. The two are not psychological hostages to each other, but trusted confidantes

 

 

Okayyy this is seriously like Dr.Richardson just read on LS

 

 

Building a relationship on an assumption of trust increases the trust, if there is no apparent betrayal. One of the consequences of increased trust is increased self-esteem. Being "needed, trusted . . . his one true confidante," the single woman feels ennobled. To be trusted with a secret means you are judged a worthy and moral person. As Simmel has commented, ". . . in the confidence of one [person] . . . in another lies as high a moral value as in the fact that the trusted person shows himself worthy of it" (1950, p. 348). Listening to his self-revelations and not betraying them, a decision which is "free and meritorious" (Simmel 1950, p. 348), can give the single woman a sense of moral rectitude and moral superiority that other elements about the relationship do not sustain (e.g., "The purity of my feelings for him were so terrific that it made me a good person"; "I still marvel that he considered me worthy enough to know him that well. His wife may have had his name, but I had his soul.")

 

That last line though....picked right out of LS conversations lol.

Edited August 1, 2013 by MissBee

[JustAReformedGirl]

In your A is there/was there anything with regards to the MP's marriage that was too much information for you? Did you listen in on conversations, look at their finances, read emails between them and their spouse, watch videos of them etc?

 

How much did your MP share about their marriage?

 

Did you request that they not share certain details?

 

Were there any details shared which felt awkward?

 

I'm inboxing you. Right now, I'm at a vulnerable stage where I can't really deal with anyone else's criticism. Any other time, I'd post it, regardless. Withdrawal is a bitch.

[MissBee]

I'm inboxing you. Right now, I'm at a vulnerable stage where I can't really deal with anyone else's criticism. Any other time, I'd post it, regardless. Withdrawal is a bitch.

 

Okay just saw this! Nvm to the last part of my response

[2sure]

From him, no. But I was told a great deal by others. For example, if I helped his Mum around the house, shed thank me profusely and tell me how happy she was he'd found someone like me, that I was "lovely", and that "the other one" was bone idle and just sat around expecting to be waited on all the time, etc. Or, if we were out and I got in a round of drinks, his friends would comment on that, since she "never bought a round, only ever paid for her own. " so I was told a good deal about her, how she behaved with let's, how she treated him in public and at home, etc.

 

My XH's family and friends used to constantly tell me how much prettier, nicer, helpful I was than his previous GF. Which was nice of course, until I realized that they assumed I needed as much validation as my H. Also, even before that...I came to understand that people who make comparisons , instead of just complementing , always make who is front of them better than who is not in the room at the moment.

Either way, buying drinks and sweeping up for people isn't really TMI...they are nice gestures.

[MissBee]

My XH's family and friends used to constantly tell me how much prettier, nicer, helpful I was than his previous GF. Which was nice of course, until I realized that they assumed I needed as much validation as my H. Also, even before that...I came to understand that people who make comparisons , instead of just complementing , always make who is front of them better than who is not in the room at the moment.

 

Yess!!! This has been my experience too...a trait of fake people IME. I am wary of people who don't bond with me on my own merit but need to bond by gossiping or setting me up as a foil to someone else. Then the worst part is when they assume I will relish in this...and instead it's just very awkward for me and makes me feel like I'm in the middle of a feud and you're using me to one up the other person and reinforce how much you dislike them, versus expressing your genuine appreciation for me. It doesn't happen too often though, but it has happened, and every last person who did that, did it to everyone else. Something is always off about people who feel the need to do that.

 

I don't like it one bit, not from a MM, I don't wanna hear how better I am than your BS...not from friends, not from your mom, not from anyone. Please take me as I am and leave some other person you don't like out of it...we're not in grade school.

 

The fact that that MM's friends and family all do it...well...that's telling. I wouldn't be comfortable among a family or friends who are that way and I'm sure it will be said that the BS was so god awful hence every person did it to her but besides her, they don't do this...but I don't believe it...people who do that do it all the time, as it's a personality trait and NOT about the other person. As no matter how god awful someone is....my personality isn't one where I am going to make a toast to the new gf then throw in a diss of the old for "good measure."

[2sure]

I'm sure his new girlfriend is now compared to me. And the one he brings when she isn't around too.

They won't say, "you're pretty" they will say "you're prettier than 2sure"...but some people don't get it.

[MissBee]

I'm sure his new girlfriend is now compared to me. And the one he brings when she isn't around too.

They won't say, "you're pretty" they will say "you're prettier than 2sure"...but some people don't get it.

 

I think your personality type definitely determines what you find flattering, distasteful, alarming, cute etc.

 

It wouldn't be a compliment or cute to me, but makes me uncomfortable and causes me to assume the person doing it is fake or petty.

 

For others, perhaps if you have a competitive streak or need tons of validation, you would absolutely adore someone setting you up in contrast to another.

[Got it]

I think your personality type definitely determines what you find flattering, distasteful, alarming, cute etc.

 

It wouldn't be a compliment or cute to me, but makes me uncomfortable and causes me to assume the person doing it is fake or petty.

 

For others, perhaps if you have a competitive streak or need tons of validation, you would absolutely adore someone setting you up in contrast to another.

 

You have people who compliment you in comparison to others? That is just odd. I am trying to think when I have been in discussion with someone and that happened.. . .

 

I am not big on gossip, compliments, or flattery especially about physical attributes as, to me, they are meaningless. Compliment me on something work related that I did, something about my actions, okay. But if one is complimenting me in comparison to another . . . that is like saying in a weird way you are the lesser of two evils. Kind of a backhanded compliment.

 

Odd.

[MissBee]

You have people who compliment you in comparison to others? That is just odd. I am trying to think when I have been in discussion with someone and that happened.. . .

 

I am not big on gossip, compliments, or flattery especially about physical attributes as, to me, they are meaningless. Compliment me on something work related that I did, something about my actions, okay. But if one is complimenting me in comparison to another . . . that is like saying in a weird way you are the lesser of two evils. Kind of a backhanded compliment.

 

Odd.

 

That's how I see it too. It doesn't feel genuine, it just feels like they dislike this other person, so since I'm along now, they use every opportunity to diss the other person not present by saying how much they like me more than them and everything I do is better than how they did it...and blah blah...it just seems like flattery and very fake and tacky.

 

However, this has only happened to me a handful of times and I smiled politely and changed the subject or rolled my eyes in my mind as I knew the people doing it were full of it . It came up initially because coco mentioned how her H's friends and family do this, i.e. compliment her by using his ex-wife as a foil, which I found bizarre.

[Got it]

That's how I see it too. It doesn't feel genuine, it just feels like they dislike this other person, so since I'm along now, they use every opportunity to diss the other person not present by saying how much they like me more than them and everything I do is better than how they did it...and blah blah...it just seems like flattery and very fake and tacky.

 

However, this has only happened to me a handful of times and I smiled politely and changed the subject or rolled my eyes in my mind as I knew the people doing it were full of it . It came up initially because coco mentioned how her H's friends and family do this, i.e. compliment her by using his ex-wife as a foil, which I found bizarre.

 

Yeah, more specifically with the ex wife thing. I mean, I would hear a statement or two like, "we weren't that close, we tried, his mom's thoughts on her affair, them starting so young, etc. " but every a direct comparison. I don't know what one would compare. We are two totally different people.

[MissBee]

Yeah, more specifically with the ex wife thing. I mean, I would hear a statement or two like, "we weren't that close, we tried, his mom's thoughts on her affair, them starting so young, etc. " but every a direct comparison. I don't know what one would compare. We are two totally different people.

 

I don't see the point of doing it...the person is gone, or if it was still an affair at the time, I don't know...point is, good riddance, let them be gone and stay gone. No need to resurrect the memory of how awful they were whenever I do something nice...