Why blame the OM?

[Phoenix32]

I noticed in reading many of these threads that it seems the MOM in the relationship always gets the brunt of the blame, and is accused of manipulating the OW and saying anything to get her to feel sorry for him and get into her pants? I am a woman, but I really don't feel that affairs are always this one-sided. It takes two, and I know for a fact that women can manipulate and lie with the best of them. I am not trying to bash either sex here, just wondering why the MM gets all the blame for the A.

[2sure]

I'm sure it's just numbers. The married affair partner usually needs to manipulate both their BS and their single affair partner. Married women seem to hook up with married partners more often than not.

 

Married men often prefer single partners. Both married men and women manipulate single partners.

 

More women, BS and OW post on the forum.

[Pierre]

I noticed in reading many of these threads that it seems the MOM in the relationship always gets the brunt of the blame, and is accused of manipulating the OW and saying anything to get her to feel sorry for him and get into her pants? I am a woman, but I really don't feel that affairs are always this one-sided. It takes two, and I know for a fact that women can manipulate and lie with the best of them. I am not trying to bash either sex here, just wondering why the MM gets all the blame for the A.

 

I agree with you. But, some like to see themselves as victims of manipulation. It also absolves them of any possible harm to the family and kids of the MOM.

[bentleychic]

Both parties of an affair are equally at fault, IMO, aside from the MM/MW breaking their marriage vows. It just seems like the one in a marriage/relationship probably lies more to their BS and AP. I feel like MM and are equally culpable for what we are doing.

 

I know I don't lie to my MM ever. I'm not manipulating him. I have no reason to. If he doesn't like me for who and what I am, all that I am, he can walk away.

[awkward]

Personally, I do blame the MM/MW because he/she is the cheater. However, I don't see the MM/MW getting most of the blame here. I see OW and BS getting the blame. In fact, it blows my mind every time I read someone say the BS is such and such, or does such and such. As if the BS could have stopped her husband from cheating.

 

I feel bad for OW because they usually end up with a crap sandwich while MM sits on the fence and eats cake. IMO, the further an XOW/BW gets away from the affair, the higher the probability she will blame the MM.

 

I usually use the term MM/OW but it is interchangeable with MW/OM. I blame the cheater for choosing to cheat, no matter what their gender. I can think of at least 20 better ways to deal with things rather than cheating. Cheating hurts entire families.

[MissBee]

I noticed in reading many of these threads that it seems the MOM in the relationship always gets the brunt of the blame, and is accused of manipulating the OW and saying anything to get her to feel sorry for him and get into her pants? I am a woman, but I really don't feel that affairs are always this one-sided. It takes two, and I know for a fact that women can manipulate and lie with the best of them. I am not trying to bash either sex here, just wondering why the MM gets all the blame for the A.

 

I think it is the person who is the married who tends to usually get more of the blame, be they MW or MM, as they seem to hold an unfair advantage and more power, esp when it comes on to making decisions about leaving or presenting their life in a certain light, as well as that they are the primary vow breakers.

 

I think when you're the one married and you seek out an affair or encourage it, and especially if you exaggerate/lie/stall/cake eat/fence sit, you certainly look worse than the single person who agrees to it. However, the single person is responsible for agreeing to it of course.

 

It just depends on what the particular conversation is about.

[MissBee]

The board is mostly hurt women, either BS or OW who have been lied to in one way or another. In these cases, yes, the OM is the lair, cake eater or whatever...if it were primarily men on here "done wrong" by women than it would have a different tone. You have to admit, many

of the MM as described by OW and BS alike are pretty manipulative.

 

This is also true. Most of the people who participate on the OW/OM/Infidelity board (heck LS in general) are women...be they OW, female WSs or female BSs, so that alone will probably skew it to more discussion of the men in the situation and their wrongs as well.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It absolutely takes two!!! IMHO, it's the OP that questions this fact.

[fanine]

It very much depends on the individual situation. My xMM told me he was separated. I am pretty niaive, I guess I should have seen the red flags. I think they were partly separated when we met. I know she was sometimes staying at her parents house...I mean he was spending most of the week at my house, I met all his friends, even his little boy during this time. He told me he shared a house with 2 flat mates and the rules were you couldn't bring anyone home. He didn't seem to be hiding the fact I was with him. We went on holiday together to his home country, I met his family there...

 

I later found out that in fact she moved back in with him full time after I'd been seeing him for 6 months....but he still saw me just as much then. It wasn't until about 9 months in I finally found out the truth....

So I would say pretty much all the blame was with him for his lies and deceits. Though I have to take the blame for allowing it to continue as well once I knew the truth...

 

Once I found out about the wife I left.....he got back in touch...I left again.....on and off, on and off. I should have stuck to my guns the first time, but after 9 months together my feelings had very much developed. Emotionally exhausting...

[Artie Lang]

i don't think it's just the OM. the AP in general gets the brunt of the hostility.

 

i think it might be easier to demonize these people instead of laying blame in its proper place- the WS.

 

i mean, seriously..... who's the one who broke the marriage/relationship vow???

[Pierre]

Both parties of an affair are equally at fault, IMO, aside from the MM/MW breaking their marriage vows. It just seems like the one in a marriage/relationship probably lies more to their BS and AP. I feel like MM and are equally culpable for what we are doing.

 

I know I don't lie to my MM ever. I'm not manipulating him. I have no reason to. If he doesn't like me for who and what I am, all that I am, he can walk away.

 

You are amazing!

 

No rationalization, no bull shyte.

 

 

Nothing to add.

[hippetyhop]

I was the OW and everyone is at fault.

 

However, I would put most blame on the married person (if the AP is single). They are generally the ones out hunting for their cake.

 

For those who say their married person was either separated or divorced and really weren't, that is total blame on them for deceiving the other person.

 

As for the BS-- only they know what happens behind closed doors. Can she be at fault? Yes. Not being attentive, not being a wife or husband. But, how can we know?

 

As for the OP-- Beyond me why I did what I did--I should have stopped way before anything began. It was a friendship turned A. I never thought I would put myself in this predicament. I've learned my lesson the hard way from this.

[canuckprincess]

From the threads I've read on TAM the ow almost always preys on the poor mm. They suduce these happily married men and hold a gun to their head and make them cheat. The amount of bs's and mm in false reconcilliation is mind blowing.

[janedoe67]

From the threads I've read on TAM the ow almost always preys on the poor mm. They suduce these happily married men and hold a gun to their head and make them cheat. The amount of bs's and mm in false reconcilliation is mind blowing.

 

A BS can definitely share the blame for a bad marriage.

 

A BS is NEVER to blame for someone else's choice to cheat.

 

A WS is cheating by choice.

 

An AP is not to blame UNTIL they have knowledge of the marriage. Once they know and continue they ARE invading a marriage. Maybe it can't be technically be called "cheating," but it ain't something to be proud of IMO.

[canuckprincess]

A BS can definitely share the blame for a bad marriage.

 

A BS is NEVER to blame for someone else's choice to cheat.

 

A WS is cheating by choice.

 

An AP is not to blame UNTIL they have knowledge of the marriage. Once they know and continue they ARE invading a marriage. Maybe it can't be technically be called "cheating," but it ain't something to be proud of IMO.

 

I agree 110% my mm's bs is not to blame in anyway shape or form.

[So happy together]

I was a willing participant as was he. We take responsibility for that. He and she (less she) take responsibility for the breakdown in their marriage. Of course, she feels the affair was the reason for the divorce. He left for reasons that were not the affair.

[bentleychic]

Maybe it can't be technically be called "cheating," but it ain't something to be proud of IMO.

 

I cannot imagine ever being proud of it. Truth be told, this is the worst thing that I've ever done in my life and I've told MM as much. I was a good person (really and truly, like gave money and food to homeless people on the side of the road, rescued homeless animals, volunteered at food drives, fabulous morals and ethics) and then HE happened. (Again, I'm not blaming him. I'm fully culpable for the choices that I've made. I WAS a good person up until that choice, though. Truly.)

 

I just cannot imagine being proud of it.

[Pierre]

I cannot imagine ever being proud of it. Truth be told, this is the worst thing that I've ever done in my life and I've told MM as much. I was a good person (really and truly, like gave money and food to homeless people on the side of the road, rescued homeless animals, volunteered at food drives, fabulous morals and ethics) and then HE happened. (Again, I'm not blaming him. I'm fully culpable for the choices that I've made. I WAS a good person up until that choice, though. Truly.)

 

I just cannot imagine being proud of it.

 

What a woman!!!!!!!:love:

 

No bullshyte

No rationalization

Smart

Good self esteem

A rare gem

 

 

 

And lastly, not looking for external validation.

[So happy together]

I cannot imagine ever being proud of it. Truth be told, this is the worst thing that I've ever done in my life and I've told MM as much. I was a good person (really and truly, like gave money and food to homeless people on the side of the road, rescued homeless animals, volunteered at food drives, fabulous morals and ethics) and then HE happened. (Again, I'm not blaming him. I'm fully culpable for the choices that I've made. I WAS a good person up until that choice, though. Truly.)

 

I just cannot imagine being proud of it.

 

Not my proudest moment either, but I wouldn't change it.

 

Curiosity is killing me... are you a redhead like your avatar? (Only share if you want).

[sweet_pea]

From the threads I've read on TAM the ow almost always preys on the poor mm. They suduce these happily married men and hold a gun to their head and make them cheat. The amount of bs's and mm in false reconcilliation is mind blowing.

 

I'm very curious as to how you know, based off of threads, that a couple is in false reconciliation? Are you all knowing when it comes to reconciling?

 

As far as blame for the affair, MP and AP should be blamed because, well, they're the ones who are having the affair. BS and MP can be 'blamed' for their marital issues but that's where it stops. After that, BS is out of the equation as far as blame goes for the affair.

 

As far as seduction... I know that there are APs who seduce or go after MPs, just as there are MPs who seduce/go after APs. It's probably mostly a mutual thing. I don't believe that it is always the AP going after the MP or always the MP going after the AP.

[waterwoman]

From the threads I've read on TAM the ow almost always preys on the poor mm. They suduce these happily married men and hold a gun to their head and make them cheat. The amount of bs's and mm in false reconcilliation is mind blowing.

 

How do you know it's false? I'm not arguing with you as I have no idea, but I wondered how you know. I confess it worries me - if others looking in can tell if the reconciliation is false but the married pair don't, what chance for any of us?

[tinker683]

As a fOM, I have plenty to be guilty for and should my day of judgement ever come because of my actions, I'll take it like a man.

[bentleychic]

Not my proudest moment either, but I wouldn't change it.

 

Curiosity is killing me... are you a redhead like your avatar? (Only share if you want).

 

Sometimes, but not currently and not naturally.

[tinker683]

Sometimes, but not currently and not naturally.

 

I like your avatars shirt

[janedoe67]

Bentley, I have never gotten the sense that you were proud, nor that you needed to wave your right to be an OW as some sort of flag. You have always been cognisant of the need for compassion.