Why blame the OM?

[krazikat]

Sometimes, but not currently and not naturally.

 

I am a natural ginger, lol. i used to hate it, but now embrace it, freckles and all! Nicknames I had in school included some very creative redhead jokes, the often asked question of if it was red everywhere, and in my adult life at work, well, its fun to have someone say something is "like the redheaded stepchild" and have everyone turn towards me with a guilty smile...actually pretty fun! And I am a scorpio...watch out now!

[So happy together]

I am a natural ginger, lol. i used to hate it, but now embrace it, freckles and all! Nicknames I had in school included some very creative redhead jokes, the often asked question of if it was red everywhere, and in my adult life at work, well, its fun to have someone say something is "like the redheaded stepchild" and have everyone turn towards me with a guilty smile...actually pretty fun! And I am a scorpio...watch out now!

 

I'm a redhead too.

[krazikat]

I believe that both parties, both Ws and AP, share the blame IF the AP knows from the onset that the WS is married, or at some point finds out and keeps it going. Both are knowingly involved in deceiving the BS. The WS does hold more responsibility, but imo if the AP personally knows BS, in worst case is one who BS considers a friend, then it is equal blame.

 

If BS contacts AP and AP lies to BS about the A, minimizing it to "just friends" status, then they are 100% fully responsible in gaslighting BS too.

 

In most cases, affairs turn out badly for all involved. I hate seeing the posts where the AP then blames BS for causing the A problems...absolutely not cool. Also, when BS blames AP for seducing their spouse...WS made the choice whether they initiated or not.

 

In my sitch, I own my actions that resulted in my h cheating. So can BS have some responsibilty in the issues in the marriage? Of course. But cheating is not the answer. My h fOW was very hurt at the end of the A...she attacked me and it got ugly. I was not the one hurting her...and she acknowledged that she should have known better then to involve herself with MM.

[krazikat]

I absolutely HATE the competition and disrespect we women show each other...and this is not just limited to affairs.

 

Women have come a long way, but we still have to fight for equality with men in the workplace and other areas of life. As I posted on another thread, we need to have each others back.

 

I work in a corporate environment, and women have to work twice as hard to get the same respect as the men. Women still get paid significantly less than men. There is still the cocky "good ol' boys" mentality....and yet some (not all, not most) women just backstab and belittle each other. So much more could be accomplished if we had each others back. We allow these men to succeed in treating us the way they do, whether in an affair, a marriage, or in the work place. I have been guilty of that. But I hate it.

 

Even my teen daughter is disgusted with mm that hit on her. She flat out told one last week what his wife would think of him trying to ask her out. She is beautiful, confident, and will take no shyte from anyone. She sees it as morally wrong for mm to talk to her that way.

 

I would never sleep with a taken man, I would never want to be the one helping a taken man lie and cheat on his so. I deserve better than that, and so does the bs. But this is me, I have never cheated on a partner, have never been an AP. I have shot down many MM, just as my daughter now does. Just as many women do. So figuring out why an AP is agreeing to be an AP is important, because there is a reason why. There are so many attractive, sexy, kind people in this world...I can appreciate the view, eye candy is nice. But I dont need to have sex with them. I know it goes deeper than that. So when an AP decides its okay to be an AP and knowingly enter into that relationship, they are responsible for their choice.

 

I do believe that women need to have each others back. Even strangers. Am I off base here?

[skywriter]

I absolutely HATE the competition and disrespect we women show each other...and this is not just limited to affairs.

 

Women have come a long way, but we still have to fight for equality with men in the workplace and other areas of life. As I posted on another thread, we need to have each others back.

 

I work in a corporate environment, and women have to work twice as hard to get the same respect as the men. Women still get paid significantly less than men. There is still the cocky "good ol' boys" mentality....and yet some (not all, not most) women just backstab and belittle each other. So much more could be accomplished if we had each others back. We allow these men to succeed in treating us the way they do, whether in an affair, a marriage, or in the work place. I have been guilty of that. But I hate it.

 

Even my teen daughter is disgusted with mm that hit on her. She flat out told one last week what his wife would think of him trying to ask her out. She is beautiful, confident, and will take no shyte from anyone. She sees it as morally wrong for mm to talk to her that way.

 

I would never sleep with a taken man, I would never want to be the one helping a taken man lie and cheat on his so. I deserve better than that, and so does the bs. But this is me, I have never cheated on a partner, have never been an AP. I have shot down many MM, just as my daughter now does. Just as many women do. So figuring out why an AP is agreeing to be an AP is important, because there is a reason why. There are so many attractive, sexy, kind people in this world...I can appreciate the view, eye candy is nice. But I dont need to have sex with them. I know it goes deeper than that. So when an AP decides its okay to be an AP and knowingly enter into that relationship, they are responsible for their choice.

 

I do believe that women need to have each others back. Even strangers. Am I off base here?

 

 

XOW here, wanted to respond to KraziKats post, I definitly agree that women are competitive with one another.

 

Also, I've learned to never say what I'd never do again, because I was once , of the never would sleep with a MM mind, especially when I was walking with my girlfriend listening to her story of being in an A.

 

Alls I know is, I learned a valuable lesson and I'm with a wonderful single man now. Crazy how life can be from one extreme to another.

 

Yes, indeed I am responsible for my choices, and I don't blame the MM.

[jlola]

XOW here, wanted to respond to KraziKats post, I definitly agree that women are competitive with one another.

 

Also, I've learned to never say what I'd never do again, because I was once , of the never would sleep with a MM mind, especially when I was walking with my girlfriend listening to her story of being in an A.

 

 

.

 

 

I can never say I would not UNknowingly date a MM. But I can tell you I would never knowingly date a MM. Just as I would never date a teenage boy,a person I know to have an addiction,a racist, a person who leads a life odf crime,etc.

 

It is remarkable when people say anyone is capable. Of course anyone is capable. Anyone is capable of eating themselves to 300 pounds also . But the difference is, some people have boundaries and self control and they will not allow themselves to do that. They catch themselves when before they go down slippery slope.

 

Like Krazycat,her daughter and almost every woman ever born, I have been hit on by so many MM since my teens I cannot even count. They are very smooth and complimentary. Probably much more so than single men. But it is a trun-off to me.

 

I know I cannot allow myself to go to coffee or lunch,listen to him talk about his marriage,or talk to him about any other personal things. Once you have the wall in place, they cannot get in unless you allow them in by putting your walls down.

[tinker683]

I absolutely HATE the competition and disrespect we women show each other...and this is not just limited to affairs.

 

Women have come a long way, but we still have to fight for equality with men in the workplace and other areas of life. As I posted on another thread, we need to have each others back.

 

I work in a corporate environment, and women have to work twice as hard to get the same respect as the men. Women still get paid significantly less than men. There is still the cocky "good ol' boys" mentality....and yet some (not all, not most) women just backstab and belittle each other. So much more could be accomplished if we had each others back. We allow these men to succeed in treating us the way they do, whether in an affair, a marriage, or in the work place. I have been guilty of that. But I hate it.

 

Even my teen daughter is disgusted with mm that hit on her. She flat out told one last week what his wife would think of him trying to ask her out. She is beautiful, confident, and will take no shyte from anyone. She sees it as morally wrong for mm to talk to her that way.

 

I would never sleep with a taken man, I would never want to be the one helping a taken man lie and cheat on his so. I deserve better than that, and so does the bs. But this is me, I have never cheated on a partner, have never been an AP. I have shot down many MM, just as my daughter now does. Just as many women do. So figuring out why an AP is agreeing to be an AP is important, because there is a reason why. There are so many attractive, sexy, kind people in this world...I can appreciate the view, eye candy is nice. But I dont need to have sex with them. I know it goes deeper than that. So when an AP decides its okay to be an AP and knowingly enter into that relationship, they are responsible for their choice.

 

I do believe that women need to have each others back. Even strangers. Am I off base here?

 

As a fOM, I got into it because I felt like at the time it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, that she was something really special.

 

In retrospect, I was naive, inexperienced, stupid, and had very poor boundaries. Whatever bad things came out of the relationship, gaining the experience, becoming a little smarter, and becoming MUCH more adamant about my boundaries that resulted from this relationship.

 

Of course, I could have learned those things WITHOUT getting into an affair...but...what's done is done. Lesson learned, never EVER again!

[bentleychic]

I like your avatars shirt

Me, too. Love slipknot!

 

Bentley, I have never gotten the sense that you were proud, nor that you needed to wave your right to be an OW as some sort of flag. You have always been cognisant of the need for compassion.

Thank you, janedoe. I appreciate it.

[Owl]

In my case, he deserves it. He pursued like a big, bad wannabe wolf. He knew what he was doing.

 

Sweetie, I really have a hard time reconciling this statement with how you posted DURING the affair.

 

You seemed reather...relentless...in your posts describing things during the affair. He was "the one", you'd be friends forever, no matter what, you were meant to be etc...

 

And then scant weeks later, the above?

[krazikat]

Nope. I was emotionally handicapped, vulnerable, easy prey. He knew what he was doing. Highly calculated.

 

But sweetie, you are responsible for your own actions. So finding the reasons why you fell for taken man is key for you to know how you allowed yourself to become caught up in his game. We all go thru shyte in life, every single one pf us. And we all deal with that shyte differently. We all have moments of weakness, and we deal with it in our own way.

 

When you dont take the time to understand yourself, if you get caught up in blaming people around you for your decisions, that becomes a problem. And this is not just applicable to affairs, but life in general.

[snowflakes88]

Nope. I was emotionally handicapped, vulnerable, easy prey. He knew what he was doing. Highly calculated.

 

Oh, please. When you were in it, you were strong, had your sh*t together, and were wholly unapologetic -- if we let you tell it. Now you were vulnerable and helpless. Chile....

 

You'd still be the sidepiece if you hadn't found someone else to whom you could transfer your unhealthy need for attention/affection (no doubt going on and on about how gloriously happy and in luuuuuurve you two are, despite his mean, mean GF who is all to blame).

[snowflakes88]

My Man asked me: had he not come back, would I continue in that situation and I told him, "Probably." And he thanked me for my honesty.

 

Duh. You already went running back to him the second your "reconciliation" wasn't moving as quickly as you'd hoped. The fact that you can't see what all of this says about your absolute desperation for attention is pretty troubling.

 

Also very troubling that you feel the guy with the girlfriend preyed on/manipulated you. Like I've said for months, most self-respecting women would not have tolerated half the thoughtless sh*t he said to you. You have to either have incredibly low self-esteem or be incredibly thirsty to find that kind of thing flattering or to be able to twist it into "love" in your head.

[bentleychic]

I'm so confused. Are you just friends or in a relationship? If just friends, why are you still calling him "my man"?

[bentleychic]

Okay, I'll politely disagree that you should be calling him that if you're only planning/trying to have it remain a friendship. It sounds like it's way more than a friendship and is probably not a relationship that could ever remain *just* a friendship, but good luck to you.

[bentleychic]

Thank goodness. I'm so confused by that answer. I read it and re-read it. Still confused.

[bentleychic]

Is there some problem with calling him my Man? Does that make you feel some kind of way? That's who he is. My Man.

 

 

 

Yes, but that's where we are right now. That is our focus. That is a good thing. But he has plans for us. He has since day 1, as have I for him, but he's in charge of this thing. He knows what he's doing. I trust him implicitly.

 

It makes me feel confused because it sounds contradictory to what you are describing and makes me wonder if you guys might be in denial of what you're doing, but otherwise, no. No feelings at all.

[HopingAgain]

Hm, better polish up your crystal ball. I only seek attention when I'm on a stage because that's my job.

 

I hope you have a great day!

 

Are you a dancer, or actress? I'm only asking cause of the on the stage comment.