A love unrequited

[pg]

Hi guys,

 

I wrote here several months ago, but now am in desperate need of more advice. I'll bring you up to speed as briefly as possible, but please, bear with me.

 

Last February, I became friends with a colleague at work. I was instantly attracted to her, and we seemed to have lots in common. Previously, I had been in a long distance relationship with someone I had believed I would spend the rest of my life with, but my attraction to my colleague largely convinced me to move on. I talked to her, and we became friends very quickly. Our cellular phones helped us, as we used to send short messages to each other, about everything, whilst at the same time being about nothing at all. We talked almost daily, for hours on end; often staying up until the middle of the night, both of us going to work half-asleep the following morning. She was seeing someone - again, a colleague - and although I always wanted to be more than friends with her, I did not want to jeapordize what we already had, so at first kept quiet about the way I felt.

 

Then came the time he had to go away - he had planned a trip to South America, which meant that for six weeks he would be away. I was finishing my finals, but spent what time I could with her, and we became closer still. Things happened - sometimes we'd fall asleep watching TV, cuddled up together. We spent most of our days together - at work, then at home after work, or out at a pub. The day before he came back, we sat holding each other - me telling her that I didn't want him to come back; her telling me how much she'd missed him, and how she didn't want me to feel used, but that she would be seeing much less of me.

 

At first, stuff wasn't great between the two of them. Though he by no means treated her badly, I don't think he was as attentive to her as I was. He had a million people to see and tell about his trip, so she felt neglected and spent some time with me. She'd cry, and I'd tell her it would be alright. Then stuff improved between them - I don't think he changed his ways, but she tolerated them, or at least told me less if they bothered her. We'd still go out sometimes; for my birthday we went for a drink with some friends. On the way home, we held hands as I drove, and for a fleeting moment I held her briefly as she disappeared into her house when I drove her home. Shortly after, she was upset one day at work, and it really bothered me - I tried to find out what was wrong, but she didn't really want to tell me. I wrote her a letter - in it, I told her that I hated seeing her unhappy. I said that I didn't think she was really happy with him - how could she be? And I told her that I thought that she would be happier with me. She reacted by showing my letter to him, claiming it was the right thing to do. He was obviously annoyed - until now, he had suspected I wanted to be more than friends with her, but this confirmed it. I told her she was neither thinking of me or him, and she must like the idea of two guys fighting over her.

 

We didn't talk for a while after that. I attempted to make things up to her, apologizing, when even now I don't consider myself to have done much wrong. She conceded by admitting she wished she'd never shown him the letter, which I decided was the closest I'd come to an apology. Since then, we became closer and closer friends again, with the whole time, my feelings not changing.

 

One day a few weeks ago, a friend told me that it was time for me to lay my cards on the table, as I wasn't truly happy. That night, I talked to her as we did, but she noticed I was unusually quiet. I told her it was because I wasn't happy generally, but didn't go into too many specifics. She was concerned, and after we talked, she sent me an animated message, which made me smile enough to send one back apologising, and the following morning we talked and I pretended to be chirpier. Which takes us up to Christmas Eve. A friend at work had said that I was the only one "who would end up getting hurt", and after another semi-depressed phone call, I told her this and began to tell her what I felt. I said that I think about her constantly; I miss her when we're not together or haven't talked for a few hours. She said that I wouldn't be happy with her, and she really wasn't that special. She then had to go to midnight mass, but promised we'd talk about it later - we haven't as yet, but I sent her a message saying that I'd accept her saying she doesn't want to be with me, but telling me that I don't want to be with her because she's not a nice person was no argument.

 

I went round on Christmas day, with the bagful of gifts I'd got her. She'd got me a couple of things (only a few dollars worth, but they were my favourite presents of all), and I hadn't gone completely over-the-top - there was a cuddly toy, a lovely bag, a couple of CDs and some Baileys, but the look on her face was so lovely it made it all worthwhile. Her mom had just arrived, and she remarked they were the greatest gifts ever. I laughed and told her she was very welcome, and her mom said that I was spoiling her, but as I told her she was worth it, hugged her and left.

 

I talked to her today; the first time since then. She told me about the argument she'd had with her family - how they thought it was inappropriate for me to be buying her so much - they were basically concerned about me, and that I obviously had the wrong idea and was hoping for more than just friends. Before, I'd joked that she could carry on seeing the other guy until Boxing Day, cos he was going for a family dinner, and when I brought it up today, she said "I don't think so.. I think we'll be together for a very long time to come."

 

I hated those words, and after that, I made my excuses and said goodbye. Since, I sent her a message saying that I'd bought her the gifts not to say "look how lovely I am", but to say "look how lovely I think YOU are". I DO want to be with her, in every way. I want to be everything to her, and I want to be HER everything. I think she deserves it, and I think I deserve it. Right now, I guess she's where she wants to be - she has two guys, and no reason to stop seeing either. Except that I'm not happy, and I don't think I can continue like this. They're supposed to be going away together, to Mexico this time, in around 5 months for a few weeks. I'm convinced it is not the sort of thing she really wants to do, yet she may well do it without really thinking about it. After that, they're going to two separate universities - he, 25, is doing a Masters degree, and she, 20, is doing a Bachelors degree. Whilst she will remain close to home, and me, he is moving away with a place already confirmed.

 

Thing is, I don't want to still be here, waiting, in nine months' time.

 

So please, give this old broken heart a little advice,

 

PG.

[Tony T]

It is insanity to put yourself through what you are doing. It is also immoral, unethical and without principle.

 

First, this lady showed your letter professing your caring for her to HER BOYFRIEND. There was a good reason for that. She has a very close relationship with her boyfriend, one that SHE DOES NOT have with you. You really screwed up there because that action showed you have no respect for her relationship and her action showed just how little she cares about you.

 

What she IS doing is using you. Using you to keep her real boyfriend on his toes. She is also masturbating her ego. She absolutely delights in having you on the side so her REAL boyfriend will stay on his toes.

 

You don't have a chance here. You are NOT a challenge. You will NEVER be with this woman in a meaninful romantic way because there is absolutely no indication of that in her behavior. You are screwing over yourself in a royal fashion.

 

You can continue behaving this way and go to your grave without a loving relationship or you can forget about this lady and find someone who will be devoted to you and won't use you or play you like a fine violin.

 

I just don't understand why you want to stand by and put yourself through the emotional pain that you are doing. It is crazy. It is nuts.

 

She did not have an argument with her family as she said. I am sure they told her it was inappropriate for you to be buying her stuff...and I'm sure she agreed. But it was all in her plan so she may have made some minor objections to their feelings.

 

Let me just leave you with one thing. Once she is married to this guy and has a child or two, she will have NOTHING to do with you whatsoever. Nothing.

 

I just feel so bad for you because if I could just spend some time with you in person I could show you just how stupid all this looks and what a fool this lady sees you as.

[ashesmum]

It's real easy.... GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE! You seriously need mental help by the way you torture yourself with this woman. She's used you all along. Get her out of the picture and find someone who will treat you as well as you treat them. Plenty of fish in the sea. Get some bait!

Hi guys, I wrote here several months ago, but now am in desperate need of more advice. I'll bring you up to speed as briefly as possible, but please, bear with me. Last February, I became friends with a colleague at work. I was instantly attracted to her, and we seemed to have lots in common. Previously, I had been in a long distance relationship with someone I had believed I would spend the rest of my life with, but my attraction to my colleague largely convinced me to move on. I talked to her, and we became friends very quickly. Our cellular phones helped us, as we used to send short messages to each other, about everything, whilst at the same time being about nothing at all. We talked almost daily, for hours on end; often staying up until the middle of the night, both of us going to work half-asleep the following morning. She was seeing someone - again, a colleague - and although I always wanted to be more than friends with her, I did not want to jeapordize what we already had, so at first kept quiet about the way I felt. Then came the time he had to go away - he had planned a trip to South America, which meant that for six weeks he would be away. I was finishing my finals, but spent what time I could with her, and we became closer still. Things happened - sometimes we'd fall asleep watching TV, cuddled up together. We spent most of our days together - at work, then at home after work, or out at a pub. The day before he came back, we sat holding each other - me telling her that I didn't want him to come back; her telling me how much she'd missed him, and how she didn't want me to feel used, but that she would be seeing much less of me. At first, stuff wasn't great between the two of them. Though he by no means treated her badly, I don't think he was as attentive to her as I was. He had a million people to see and tell about his trip, so she felt neglected and spent some time with me. She'd cry, and I'd tell her it would be alright. Then stuff improved between them - I don't think he changed his ways, but she tolerated them, or at least told me less if they bothered her. We'd still go out sometimes; for my birthday we went for a drink with some friends. On the way home, we held hands as I drove, and for a fleeting moment I held her briefly as she disappeared into her house when I drove her home. Shortly after, she was upset one day at work, and it really bothered me - I tried to find out what was wrong, but she didn't really want to tell me. I wrote her a letter - in it, I told her that I hated seeing her unhappy. I said that I didn't think she was really happy with him - how could she be? And I told her that I thought that she would be happier with me. She reacted by showing my letter to him, claiming it was the right thing to do. He was obviously annoyed - until now, he had suspected I wanted to be more than friends with her, but this confirmed it. I told her she was neither thinking of me or him, and she must like the idea of two guys fighting over her. We didn't talk for a while after that. I attempted to make things up to her, apologizing, when even now I don't consider myself to have done much wrong. She conceded by admitting she wished she'd never shown him the letter, which I decided was the closest I'd come to an apology. Since then, we became closer and closer friends again, with the whole time, my feelings not changing.

 

One day a few weeks ago, a friend told me that it was time for me to lay my cards on the table, as I wasn't truly happy. That night, I talked to her as we did, but she noticed I was unusually quiet. I told her it was because I wasn't happy generally, but didn't go into too many specifics. She was concerned, and after we talked, she sent me an animated message, which made me smile enough to send one back apologising, and the following morning we talked and I pretended to be chirpier. Which takes us up to Christmas Eve. A friend at work had said that I was the only one "who would end up getting hurt", and after another semi-depressed phone call, I told her this and began to tell her what I felt. I said that I think about her constantly; I miss her when we're not together or haven't talked for a few hours. She said that I wouldn't be happy with her, and she really wasn't that special. She then had to go to midnight mass, but promised we'd talk about it later - we haven't as yet, but I sent her a message saying that I'd accept her saying she doesn't want to be with me, but telling me that I don't want to be with her because she's not a nice person was no argument. I went round on Christmas day, with the bagful of gifts I'd got her. She'd got me a couple of things (only a few dollars worth, but they were my favourite presents of all), and I hadn't gone completely over-the-top - there was a cuddly toy, a lovely bag, a couple of CDs and some Baileys, but the look on her face was so lovely it made it all worthwhile. Her mom had just arrived, and she remarked they were the greatest gifts ever. I laughed and told her she was very welcome, and her mom said that I was spoiling her, but as I told her she was worth it, hugged her and left.

 

I talked to her today; the first time since then. She told me about the argument she'd had with her family - how they thought it was inappropriate for me to be buying her so much - they were basically concerned about me, and that I obviously had the wrong idea and was hoping for more than just friends. Before, I'd joked that she could carry on seeing the other guy until Boxing Day, cos he was going for a family dinner, and when I brought it up today, she said "I don't think so.. I think we'll be together for a very long time to come."

 

I hated those words, and after that, I made my excuses and said goodbye. Since, I sent her a message saying that I'd bought her the gifts not to say "look how lovely I am", but to say "look how lovely I think YOU are". I DO want to be with her, in every way. I want to be everything to her, and I want to be HER everything. I think she deserves it, and I think I deserve it. Right now, I guess she's where she wants to be - she has two guys, and no reason to stop seeing either. Except that I'm not happy, and I don't think I can continue like this. They're supposed to be going away together, to Mexico this time, in around 5 months for a few weeks. I'm convinced it is not the sort of thing she really wants to do, yet she may well do it without really thinking about it. After that, they're going to two separate universities - he, 25, is doing a Masters degree, and she, 20, is doing a Bachelors degree. Whilst she will remain close to home, and me, he is moving away with a place already confirmed. Thing is, I don't want to still be here, waiting, in nine months' time. So please, give this old broken heart a little advice, PG.

[Rachel]

I hate to tell you because you sound like an absolutely terrific guy. Sometimes both people don't feel the same about each other in a relationship.

 

It sounds like she really likes you, but not in the way that is romantic. Some cuddling and etc. doesn't mean that she feels "passion" about you.

 

Sometimes we are with people that arent' necessarily the best for us, yet, we love them anyway. Sounds that this guy is what is about for her.

 

She seems happy to be with him, even though she probably deserves better. Sounds like she's a terrific person and the boyfriend isn't all that wonderful. I have seen absolutely nothing that gives me the impression that she wants to a)break up her current relationship, even though she isn't necessarily ecstatic b)wants to have any type of romantic relationship with you.

 

YOu deserve someone who will be head over heels in love with you. Walk away from her. Tell her you can be friends in a while but not yet. Tell her how you feel about her and that you need some space.

 

You will find someone perfect for you. It may take a while, but you will be fine.

[Dragonflys]

Mate, you are totally killing yourself emotionally. You are pining after a woman who you have absolutely no chance to be with.

 

The signs are all there

 

(1) showing the letter to her boyfriend

 

(2) wanting to see him again when you just wanted her around

 

(3) seeing you more when he is not there

 

(4) plying you for sympathy

 

and on and on...

 

I feel sorry for you...

 

Not because of what YOU are...no..but the fact you have so much emotional energy and love to give but you are throwing all this value in the trashcan

 

SHE IS USING YOU PERIOD!!!!

 

She is using you as her little emotional puppy so she can get the whole cake..whenever her No.1 is not around for sex and intimacy she changes the dial to you to get the rest

 

I IMPLORE YOU

 

GET OUT NOW..direct all your wonderful emotional energy to where it is received PLEASE...TODAY!!!, and you will feel like the happiest and most powerful man in the world.

[Stargazer]

You sound lovely, too young for me though LOL. Did it ever occur to you that you may want her so much because you can't have her? Our brains do some funny things when it comes to situations like these.

 

Yeah you know what you need to do, won't rub that one in anymore. Stay away from her as much as you can, you need to decided what you should do as far as staying friends or not, don't really think that's an option for you because of your emotional attachment, so maybe it's time to completely cut all the cords. I'm surprised her boyfriend didn't have a right go at you when he read your letter, guess he feels pretty secure she's not going to go anywhere. He knows that, why can't you see it, clearly.

 

Hon please move on, you are far too nice to be wasting your time and energy like this. You will meet someone worthy of you and your attentions.

[pg]

Hi,

 

First of all, thank you - and everyone else - so much for your words of (brutal) honesty and encouragement. She called last night, and I decided it was time to be totally honest with her - more so than I'd been before.

 

I told her when I'd started to feel the way I did, why I thought, and think, she's an amazing person (which was met as usual with "I can't believe you think that. I'm not that special at all!") I told her that there was something wrong when her most convincing argument, again, revolved around me being better than her, and her not being good enough for me. I told her that surely that was my choice, and that I didn't think for a second she was all the things she claimed to me ("unladylike, common"), and nor did she. I pointed out her little encouragements, which were met with indignant "Well I'll make sure it won't happen again's!"

 

And then I told her that - stupid as it sounds - I really needed her to be there to help me through this. Because no matter what I've made her out to be, she is a wonderful, warm person, and my best friend.

 

I woke this morning feeling much better about the whole thing. I have to change the way I feel - stop drifting off, having thoughts of being with her. But she CAN be there, as a friend, now and always - can't she? At least that's what I told her, and what I want.

 

Kindest regards,

 

pg.

[Deejette]

Forget the friendship part too. You are too emotionally involved and you are fooling yourself if you think this can turn into a friendship. That is the same kind of denial that allowed you to hope for a romantic relationship with this girl.

You sound lovely, too young for me though LOL. Did it ever occur to you that you may want her so much because you can't have her? Our brains do some funny things when it comes to situations like these. Yeah you know what you need to do, won't rub that one in anymore. Stay away from her as much as you can, you need to decided what you should do as far as staying friends or not, don't really think that's an option for you because of your emotional attachment, so maybe it's time to completely cut all the cords. I'm surprised her boyfriend didn't have a right go at you when he read your letter, guess he feels pretty secure she's not going to go anywhere. He knows that, why can't you see it, clearly. Hon please move on, you are far too nice to be wasting your time and energy like this. You will meet someone worthy of you and your attentions.