Projection much?

[jlola]

Wow I just wow jlola you are a wise woman and your family dynamic *yikes*

 

I too have a history of abuse, I believe it is why I have chosen the men that I have. In every situation that I have been victimized (ie molested by my brother, gang raped by high school friends, beat and left for dead by my ex boyfriend, and now a serial cheating, lying wh), I have either been blamed or not believed.

 

My WH can play the martyr roll to a "T". He is the master at whoa is me. MOW fell for it hook line and sinker. I don't really blame her too much my WH is a REALLY good manipulator.

 

 

LD, so sorry to hear what you have been through. And yet we still become good empathetic people who never blame our experiences . We still treat people with respect,trust and loyalty. Big hugs to you. It is people like you who give me reason believe there are still good people out there.

[janedoe67]

One thing that I think a lot of cheaters have in common (I know I had this idea...in a vague sort of way. I was too smart to actually say it out loud because I KNEW how stupid it would sound) is this:

 

They are somehow under the impression that other people's flaws or shortcomings mitigate theirs.

 

Here's what I mean.

 

I married as a virgin in my mid twenties. My parents have been faithfully married for over 50 years. I went to all the purity things and never even dated someone who wasn't a "growing Christian." I was bred for faithfulness.

 

BUT.....my husband didn't care about sex. He didn't care about affection. We hadn't talked about it prior to marriage because of our strict church. Life happens, marriages have issues, he loses jobs and runs through savings. He games away the electric bill. I get angry and resentful. I feel invisible and lonely.

 

And somehow....I get the idea that HIS problems excuse MY choices. THAT is the flawed thinking right there. Because cheating is wrong. It doesn't matter if one's spouse is a saint or Atilla the Hun. Cheating is wrong. Someone ELSE's bad choices do NOT justify my own. But many a WS think the opposite, like it's some kind of balance. "He did X or Y (or didn't do X or Y) to me for this many years, so I can cheat."

 

NO. NO. NO.

 

The choice to cheat is a choice to either be honorable or not, to be honest or not, to be faithful or not. It is that simple.

 

There are different types of cheaters. There are the ones who make a horrible choice and are willing to actually see that it is horrible and become a different person.

 

There are the ones who stop cheating but never really change their entitled and prideful mindset. Then there are the ones who just keep on cheatin' and have a justification for any question and a scathing remark for anyone who might make them look into the mirror.

 

There are different types of BS's too, but that is a different thread.

 

One of the things Dr. Harley says that I agree with is that anyone, given the right set of circumstances and poor boundaries, is vulnerable to an affair. I never thought I would have one, to the point of being a self-righteous bitty about ANY kind of sexual sin. One of the verses that frequently comes to my mind when I think of that part of myself is "pride goes before the fall" and "Be careful when you think you stand, lest you fall."

 

I wasn't careful. I was angry and self-centered. I was selfish. And I was too much of a coward to get out honorably rather than try to stay and steal and betray.

 

Choosing something so wrong and then being honest and repentant about it isn't a character death sentence......but I wonder about how much life is left in the character of someone who continues and defends that choice indefinitely.

Edited August 1, 2013 by janedoe67

[HopingAgain]

One thing that I think a lot of cheaters have in common (I know I had this idea...in a vague sort of way. I was too smart to actually say it out loud because I KNEW how stupid it would sound) is this:

 

They are somehow under the impression that other people's flaws or shortcomings mitigate theirs.

 

Here's what I mean.

 

I married as a virgin in my mid twenties. My parents have been faithfully married for over 50 years. I went to all the purity things and never even dated someone who wasn't a "growing Christian." I was bred for faithfulness.

 

BUT.....my husband didn't care about sex. He didn't care about affection. We hadn't talked about it prior to marriage because of our strict church. Life happens, marriages have issues, he loses jobs and runs through savings. He games away the electric bill. I get angry and resentful. I feel invisible and lonely.

 

And somehow....I get the idea that HIS problems excuse MY choices. THAT is the flawed thinking right there. Because cheating is wrong. It doesn't matter if one's spouse is a saint or Atilla the Hun. Cheating is wrong. Someone ELSE's bad choices do NOT justify my own. But many a WS think the opposite, like it's some kind of balance. "He did X or Y (or didn't do X or Y) to me for this many years, so I can cheat."

NO. NO. NO.

 

The choice to cheat is a choice to either be honorable or not, to be honest or not, to be faithful or not. It is that simple.

 

There are different types of cheaters. There are the ones who make a horrible choice and are willing to actually see that it is horrible and become a different person.

 

There are the ones who stop cheating but never really change their entitled and prideful mindset. Then there are the ones who just keep on cheatin' and have a justification for any question and a scathing remark for anyone who might make them look into the mirror.

 

There are different types of BS's too, but that is a different thread.

 

One of the things Dr. Harley says that I agree with is that anyone, given the right set of circumstances and poor boundaries, is vulnerable to an affair. I never thought I would have one, to the point of being a self-righteous bitty about ANY kind of sexual sin. One of the verses that frequently comes to my mind when I think of that part of myself is "pride goes before the fall" and "Be careful when you think you stand, lest you fall."

 

I wasn't careful. I was angry and self-centered. I was selfish. And I was too much of a coward to get out honorably rather than try to stay and steal and betray.

 

Choosing something so wrong and then being honest and repentant about it isn't a character death sentence......but I wonder about how much life is left in the character of someone who continues and defends that choice indefinitely.

 

I love all of this so much, especially the bolded part.

[ladydesigner]

Choosing something so wrong and then being honest and repentant about it isn't a character death sentence......but I wonder about how much life is left in the character of someone who continues and defends that choice indefinitely.

 

Oh absolutely! This is what it comes down to for me too. The bolded is genius!