Is he a keeper?

[Li Jing]

Well, I guess this is the right forum since the situation is a murky one between friendship and mutual interest. So here's the story.

 

I got to know this guy through an online social media. At first he was polite and barely talked to me as we didn't know each other yet. As time passed and I chatted more in the social group we both are in, he started to show interest in me and asked me personal questions about my plans, current occupation etc.

 

So all of this progressed until he offered to be my online friend and started chatting privately with me. He said quite a few times he likes my personality, gave me random compliments and messages me online often to ask about how I am doing, what I am busying myself with etc. He shared with me private details about himself, from past relationships to things about his family members, and chats with me almost on a daily basis. He shows interest in what I am good at and basically treats me like a real close friend (despite barely knowing me for two months).

 

There came to a point where we even shared our views on relationships and it was then I could see he seems to have a certain level of romantic feelings for me. He considered me a "dream girl" and said my personality suited what he was looking for in a girlfriend. But he was hesitant to come clean with his feelings as he told me early on he wants to know people on a deeper level before he commits.

 

Until recently, I was getting the "he is serious" vibe and began harboring feelings for him. But there are a number of things I cannot yet come to terms with, and makes me suspicious whether he is a player or not:

 

1) He has lots of female friends and he often brings them up in our conversations (though he merely mentions updates about them)

2) He talks to me in a different manner as he does others (eg. sometimes he uses curse and harsh words when he chats with others but almost never with me)

3) He likes to joke at inappropriate times with inappropriate words (eg. he actually joked about asking an online friend to introduce his date to him) and that has offended me quite a few times

4) Despite him claiming to be reserved in terms of sexual relationships like I am, he actually tried to bring up reasons why some have casual sex

 

With regards to 1), I feel that he seems to have lots of fwb relations with girls around him. I am not really comfortable with that tbh, not that I cannot stand a guy with female friends, but that I don't think guys like him know how to draw the boundary. I am usually not jealous if my bf talks to girls on a friendship level, but if he starts calling them pet names and starts getting flirty, I get insecure and uncomfortable. Unfortunately, this guy seems to have this habit of calling his friends (guy or girl) pet names and often teases them. I cannot trust myself with a guy like this.

 

2) is an issue because I see inconsistency in his behavior. If he is habitually nasty and sarcastic to people he considers close, and yet he acts all sweet and nice towards me, it gives me the idea that he is not being himself around me. He knows I don't like the nasty and sarcastic side in him and maybe that's why he doesn't show it in front of me. But how long can he hide that side if long term relationship is in view?

 

Like what I mentioned in 3), his jokes go overboard at times to the point that he has offended me quite a few times. He did seem apologetic every time and wanted to mend our friendship, but that way of joking is a habit he has picked up from his friends. I can't picture myself going out with a guy who will joke about other people's girlfriends behind my back like its nobody's business. Its a major turn-off, seriously.

 

4) is what really got me thinking if he's suitable. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if he's just being flirty with no genuine interest in me. He said he only wanted one serious relationship. But when I bring up the stance that I can't be with a guy who has sex before marriage, he actually tried to bring up reasons why such things happen. I asked him if he is trying to convince me, he denied. So I thought that he must be excusing himself for having sex before marriage, again he denied. It was then he seemed to agree with me and said that he also wouldn't like a girl who prefers casual sex. He even asked me if I thought he was lying when he said he was single. That rang a bell in me later that he wasn't simply trying to express a view, but was testing my acceptability towards certain things he might have done. The fact that he worries that I might think he is lying could well allude that he is two timing girls. Even though he denied very clearly that he is already attached, his question actually roused my suspicion to his relationship status.

 

So what do you guys think about my analysis of this situation? Am I right in suspecting him and judging him the way I did? More importantly, do you think he is even boyfriend material?

 

PS. I am now trying to distance myself from him, forbidding him from calling me pet names and generally not getting too conversational with him. I think he picked that up but he still tried to talk to me like nothing's wrong..