Update on Situation

[Layzie1207]

well to look at my situation you can read this, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t50375/ , but i was reading blase harris' book on how to get a lover back and i realized that everything i was going to do in the future was exactly what her best friend was doing to her. 2 days after our break he professed his love to her and then everytime i would cry and be in grief he would be his normal best friend self and i think she started to fall in love with him. i was assured that she didnt want him and that she was doing this for herself but the more i look at it the sketchier the situation seems. he is supposed to go to california in january but i am scared because i dont know what to think. during one of our fights i called her out on loving him and said "he is your best friend, do you honestly think you could ever do anything physical with him" (kind of like a friend love) and "i let go of you, you have to let go of him" and "you cant love him because you have me in your life right now" i regret all these things very much because it was the wrong thing to do and i take them back but there is nothing i can do about it now. the next night i tried to talk about him again and she said "stop, a lot of the things you said made sense and i need time to let go" but i dont know if i should take those words with a grain of salt. also, during our last big argument we had our friends try and help us sort things out and they said "she doesnt want anyone else right now!" "she doesnt want the best friend!" "she promised youd be her first what are you worried about". she was sitting there while her friends told me this and now her friends are saying "she will never love you again, get over her." "she can do what she wants". im just not sure how to deal with all this uncertainty especially when her best friend is doing what i aspire to do. i sent her an email today that basically apologized the way i acted for 2 months and it said like

 

"I just want to say I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I don’t know if there is anything more I can say that can express how truly regretful I am of my actions over the past 2 months. I said I loved you with all my heart and my actions showed the exact opposite and it makes me sick to my stomach everyday. *****, I am so sorry. I hope after time you can understand why I acted like I did, but that doesn’t justify it at all. I did love you as much as I tried to express, but loving you would have been letting you go and seeing a smile on your face, not hurting myself or yelling or begging or crying, and for this I apologize with every ounce of my being. I should have been there for you when you needed me most, not try to make you feel differently and try to force you to feel a certain way. Please do not remember me for how I acted, I know it is hard, but try to understand the love that I was trying to convey, even though I was expressing it in the exact opposite way that I understand I should have now. I am so sorry."

 

she had also said that she wanted me to move on and be happy and stop thinking its going to happen. i had told her in a previous email that i was going to move on and at the time i meant i was going to force myself to stop loving her. after reading these forums and some of the book i realized i was going to go for it because i love her that much. so i also put this in the email.

 

"I know you want me to move on and stop loving you, and that is perfectly understandable because me loving you was hurting us both. But just like you cannot force yourself to love me, I cannot force myself to not love you. When I say I am going to “move on,” I am going to try everyday to grow as a person and mature as an adult and understand myself inside and out and learn what a true relationship is. I want to be happy with myself and with who I am before I want to take the responsibility of caring for another person in a loving relationship manner. It is going to take me a while to do this and how long exactly I do not know, but if I can make this much progress in a week, I pray that in an extended period of time I can be the best person I can be. But please know that the next time I talk to you, I will have grown as a person and discovered myself inside and out to my core, and I will have moved on, but I may still love you with all my heart."

 

i hope maybe she will not think of me as a bad person and not expect me to not love her the next time i talk to her because after writing this i finally have some closure on my own feelings that i was wishing to express to her. any input is greatly appreciated but please dont criticize anything i said in the email even if you want to, because this is the last time im going to contact her for a couple months and i dont want to regret anything and think about what i should or shouldnt have included

 

i just really hope that she doesnt fall in love with this other friend because i treated her badly for three years and it took her that long to break up with me lol. im just not sure exactly what to think anymore, it seems like everything changes in my head and sometiems i get really hopeful and sometimes i get very down. any input would be greatly appreciated especially maybe from a girl who has ever felt the way my ex does. thank you. also i finished my email with this

 

"Thanks for reading this ***** and I am so sorry for the way I acted because I am starting to realize that instead of trying to prove to you how much I love you, one day I hope your happiness can do that for me. Please take care and be very safe and work hard in school and most of all, enjoy life and be the happiest girl in the world with the most beautiful smile."

[Weird]

I see nothing wrong with the email and if it has helped ease your mind then it was a good move. Nothing in it can be seen as bad by her so if somehow she replies back and bitches you out then she is being selfish.

 

As for you saying you treated her poorly for 3 years and it took her that long to break up...dude, don't say that. Don't pin everything on yourself. Down the line you will look back at that comment (you acting like you just treated her like crap and feeling guilty) and will realize all in all you treated her well. Nobody is perfect.

[UnicornGirl]

I agree with Weird. You did not treat her badly for three years.

[Layzie1207]

I didnt treat her bad for 3 years, its just that i took her for granted and didnt treat her how she wanted to be treated. i would never go for a walk with her, and we never talked emotionally for a long time, it was just kind of us hanging out together. i had flashes of love like when i flew home early from vacation to surprise her at her favorite restaurant on her birthday, but i never sustatined any of it. i know i never treated her badly, i never hit her, and ive never smoke, drank, or done drugs, and ive never ever pressured her into sex, i never did the little things she always wanted. also she told one of my friends that i treated her badly for a long time and that really hurt me a lot.

[Layzie1207]

ive been thinking, and i really do think i can get my ex back by loving her and being myself, but im very scared that shes going to fall in love with her best friend. they were very very close and right after our break up he professed his love to her and i think she started to love him back. he talks to my ex everyday either on the phone or the internet and that just eats away at me. im not sure if my ex wants him in a relationship and hes supposedly supposed to go to california in january but im not sure, and im not sure what to think of all this , because i feel that if they get into a relationship its going to last for a really long time, even though he has never been with a girl before just liek i hadnt before i was with my ex, their emotional bond scares me and im just not sure what to think right now.

[lostNconfusedx10]

in my opinion, girls wont cross that line of being freinds with someone into an intimate relationship. She may enjoy what he is bringing to the table as for the emotional ties because she is feeling hurt and needs a level of comfort which he is supplying. She knows he's a freind and most likly wouldnt cross that line but she still likes to hear that she is loved. Think of it, girls usually dont get the emotions from a guy untill AFTER the physical part. She already bypassed that step. But sadly enough as it could be, if she did persue a small relationship with him, it would only be a rebound and it would not last long. And then the freind would definetly be out of the picture.

[Layzie1207]

its weird you say taht because he professed his love to her 2 days after our original break. and i called him up to tell him i respect him because if he had to tell my girlfriend that he loved her before he left for california just so he had closure on his life then that was perfectly understandable. instead of saying thank you, he said, im sorry, i didnt know you guys went on a break, but i told her i loved her so she could make a choice between you or me and i was absolutely stunned by what he said. i never told my ex what he told me, but during our arguing i tried to take my ex out to a field and talk under the stars, but she just didnt open up. she just didnt commit to the conversation and when i got back i told her "i think you love jon (the best friend)". before she said anything i said "do you think you could ever do anything physical with him in terms of sex or just sexual acts?", "i let go of you, you have to let go of him" and "you cant love him right now, because im in your life." Trust me a lot of the things i said i regret you dont have to tell me that. but the next day i tried to talk to her about him and she stopped me and said "a lot of the things you said to me made sense, and i need time to let him go, i have too much respect for you to do that anyways" i said ok enough about him then and we never talked about him since. but i know that they do talk everyday and that he emails her and they talk on the phone and whatnot, because my ex was the best bestfriend in the entire world. also, she was probably closer (emotionally) with him than she was with me and that is my fault. im just not sure what to think, because she could be with him at any moment and if she does love him and does want to be with him then i cant do anything about that. i also think some of the stuff she said was said in the heat of the moment and should kind of be taken with a grain of salt. the weird thing about this situation is this and it will get very confusing, my ex's roomate who is her best friend is going out wiht (and will likely marry) jon (my exs best friend) is jon's best friend. her roomate and her boyfriend were best friends for a long time before they got together and now they are totally in love, and i fear my ex is kind of thinking along the same path, because the four of them have always been very good freinds and ive been teh outsider hanging out usually with a different crowd. i dunno what to think because if she does love him, and they go out, they might be together for a very long time. the funny thing is that jon's best friend who ive been talking to a lot lately says that jon is selfish and doesnt know how to care for anyone else but himself, but i think my ex seems him totally different than everybody else. i just know that they talk everyday and with me saying i wont contact her for a long time, not knowing whats going on and not even being in my ex's life scares me very badly. my ex is not the kind of person to hurt someone, basically she is the nicest person in the world. i just think that if her best friend is out of the picture then i coudl win her heart back because i love her with all my heart and i know what to do without exploding now. before when i would tell my ex how much i loved her and how much she meant to me, she said "i really hope when you come here this weekend its not like this." that hurt very badly because i was saying the nicest things one human being coudl say to another. im just kinda scared that the appealing relationship of her roommate and the similar situations might cause her to seek that and try that as well.

 

i also wish that there was a way i coudl tell her what he said to me about the choice thing, i think if she found out then she would look differently at him. i never told her because i loved her and didnt want to look like i was bashing him and look like a jerk so i never told her.

[Layzie1207]

ok after all this time i finally sent a couple emails telling her that moving on doesnt mean id stop loving her, it means id try to understand what it means to love her etc kind of what i said earlier. i know she got the emails and i know she went on a walk by herself last night, and i think im ready to start the no contact thing for good. the thing is, im not sure how long to do no contact for because right now i think i could do what it takes to love her 100%. im just not sure how long i should wait before i contact her, i plan to send maybe a card for thanksgiving and a gift for christmas, but i feel like if im totally out of the picture for that long that she might kind of start to forget about me. could anyone please give input on how i should handle starting the no contact? i was also thinking about maybe sending one last email saying, "if i do fall out of love with you though, i may never talk to you again because of the risk of getting hurt" and htat being the last thing i said to her, not to scare her, but just to get her thinking that if i do actually get over her i may never talk to her again.

[Layzie1207]

oh wow, i was reading some of my exs and my internet conversations and i just now realized why my ex fell out of love with me. she loved me so much and i changed and i had no idea. i have this incredible urge to call her and just tell her i know exactly how she feels about me now and i am speechless at how much i changed and didnt even realize it. i dont know what to do, because im finally starting to get the picture from her point of view, i just wish she'd understand that i realize how she sees me now.

[Urban Rubble01]

Layzie, listen up. No offense, but it sounds like you're just rationalizing calling her. I felt like you, a million things I had to get out that I had just realized about myself (and her). In my case, I know that she didn't leave me beause of those flaws. In your case, if she told you there were things wrong and you're starting to understand that, I'd put it in a letter. Write a letter. Stick to the topic, don't get too deep into how much you love her. Tell her what you feel you have to. BUT, write it a week before you send it, read it everyday and revise as necessary. You DO NOT want to say things that you want to take back. Being too clingy, talking about how you're going to change and all that is not a good idea. Especially if this girl said she doesn't love you anymore. Try to keep it as upbeat as possible, stay on track on don't ramble.

 

My girl and I are "on a break", at her initiation of course. For the first week I pretty much poured my heart out twice and really exaplained how much I love her. Now that I look back I see that I didn't need to do that, she knows how I feel about her. She didn't leave me because of anything I did. She says she'll be back and in my heart I think that's probably how it'll end up, but at any rate all the two of us can do is let them know this: That we can live without them, but we don't want to. We love them just as much as always and will leave the door open for them, but at the same time we've got to try and move on. That's what I've explained to her and I think it helps things alot. She knows where I stand.

[Layzie1207]

i just read my internet conversations for the past year with my ex and it made me absolutely sick to my stomach. i slowly saw myself treat her worse and worse and worse and i just couldnt believe my eyes. i am stunned at how i was and i almost hate myself for it

 

i wish she could know how sorry i am