short of conversation with friends

[uongy]

i have two main groups of friends one in my school of boys and one outside of school which are mainly girls(in my town,the girls and boys are separate.)

 

im having these problems wit the group of girls.we are all busy people and its difficult to meet up with them regularly.when we do meet up is at parties.we do also talk on MSN.

anyway,since i dnt hang out with them alot ive found that i dont know them as well as i thought i did.so i find it difficult to make conversation with them at the best of times.couple that with the fact that i am naturally shy(something ive worked hard to overcome)and im not a flowing conversationist!

 

anybody got any suggestions?

[Orchid]

Keep the focus on them if you're naturally shy in talking about yourself. Find something in what they've said to ask a question about, which will lead to another question and so on. People like talking about themselves (generally speaking), people like feeling they've been listend to, asking questions achieves that because it shows interest.... they'll walk away feeling good about themselves, and you.

[tokyo]

Do you like hanging out with them because their your friends or because their girls? I mean it doesn´t have to contradict, but if you mostly see them as girls you might become interested in as girlfriends than you will probably have to approach it differently than when you just consider them to be friends.

 

I´m shy, too, and I´ve also had my problems in maintaining a conversation. What Orchid said is true though, people like talking about themselves, ask questions and they will talk (unless they are bloody bastards who just don´t like talking to you.... I´m just being mean ).

 

--Don´t ask questions that can be answered with yes or no, ask questions with open endings.

 

--Learn to have an opinion, there´s nothing more boring than talking with someone who doesn´t have any opinion at all. Even if you don´t disagree it´s better, at least you have something to discuss.

 

--I know other people like to share their ideas, thoughts and are able to bond only via email, messenger, etc., but I think there are also other people who need to have some common background or memories to feel relaxed to talk with a person, you do need to spend time with them, not necessarily parties, but maybe do an excursion, share a hobby with your friends, help them with something, create a mutual bond of friendship and then you will feel less tense when you´re with them, if you have their confidence as friend, talking about many things, also problems, will become easier.

 

--Real life conversation can be different than talking on the internet, some people are just not very good in conversing on the internet. I´m also not sure what the intention of the girls is when they chat. Often people want to flirt and if you are looking for a deeper conversation that´s just not what is wanted or expected.

 

--As a shy person I know that we often expect others to make the first move when it comes to talking. That´s a bad idea.... Start to show some interest, but don´t be too compliant or too eager (if you are interested in more than friendship, that´s an important advice )

 

Eventually , there might be the possibility that you guys just don´t have anything in common and that´s why you don´t hit it off so well.

 

Good luck

[uongy]

hey thanks for the replies.

 

just to address what kooky said to start with,these girls are just my friends and there is like an unspoken thing where we know we dont fancy each other etc.i treat them the same as if they were boys(of course u have to b a little different with girls but i hope you understand what i mean).the thing is,they helped me alot when i was hurting and it meant a lot to me.......so yea.....they just my friends basically.

 

just want to say that its has happened before that i was shy and then chatty again the next time.i think its a mood thing rather than anyway.i wasnt realy up for a social event and that came across last night at the party.

 

anyway.....the reason why its got to me so bad is two fold.

1)these are my good friends.these are the people i trust and like to spend time with.so not being able to have conversation with them means that i dont have conversation skills at all.

2)im going to university next autumn(fall) and i will be meeting new people.if i cant make conversation with people i trust,what about all these new people im going to meet?!

 

any more thoughts more than welcome.

[Orchid]

Go easy on yourself. You're allowed to not feel up to socialising one night and be shy and non-chatty with people you trust. If ever there's a group of people with whom you CAN be totally yourself with and not be judged it's you're good friends, the people you trust.

 

A few times of being shy does not equal magnified/all-or-nothing thinking like "I have no conversations skills at all", nor "if I can't make conversation with the people I trust, then I'll never be able to make conversation with anyone new I meet". You said it yourself "Chatty again the next time", focus on that thought because that's proof to yourself that the situation is not as black and white as you've decided it is.