Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[CrossroadsGirl]

Dear all

 

This is my first post here and I would really appreciate some help and support. I have been reading the Forums for many years and like how you all support one another here.

 

I am a 32 year old woman in a live-in relationship of 22 months (living together since 15 months ago) with a 28 year old man and am not sure if the best and kindest thing to do, for us both, is to end things and move on and out.

 

I moved to my current location from another country just over two years ago for lots of reasons for myself (it was always my plan) but also ostensibly to be closer to my then long-distance boyfriend who was 6 years younger than me. Within a week of me arriving, we broke up. I was devastated but continued to rebuild my life in a new country that I am thrilled to call my home. After a few months of living in a big city full of memories of my ex, I decided to move into the countryside and escape the craziness of that city, which was fun but also extremely hard for my fragile emotional state at the time. I also wanted to find a stable, loving and mature relationship, perhaps to counterbalance the very physical but volatile one I had with my ex. I found this very quickly after moving into the countryside and met my current boyfriend. Things got serious quickly, I became very close to his family and came to rely on him for lots of support, help and mobility (I didn't have a car at the time). I liked his kindness, generosity and how different he was from my ex. He continued to be supportive, sweet, kind, affectionate, loving and wants to share his life with me. He adores my cat and we even adopted an abandoned kitten 10 months ago.

 

10 months ago is actually the watershed moment. My boyfriend started to study full time so I saw less and less of him in terms of quality time. I got back in touch with my ex via Facebook after a year and a half of no contact. He now lives in another country so it felt safe to talk from such a distance. We talked and although I told him to go and jump off a bridge, thus severing any contact, I remembered how strongly I felt for him, both lovingly and passionately and I realised that I do not feel the same intensity for my current boyfriend. The stress of reconnecting with my ex and the stress of caring for a new kitten mean that my period was late. A very scary 2 weeks of home pregnancy tests followed and I freaked out, thinking how sad and trapped I would feel if I fell pregnant with my current boyfriend. Looking after the kitten and feeling tethered to the home gave me insight into how me life could be as a mother and wife and I was far from thrilled. I talked to him in October 2012 and was ready to walk away, but we agreed to try to improve things. So, I bought a car, joined a gym and focused on giving myself reasons to feel happy and independent. But here I am again, at the same point months later.

 

What I didn't like about him and how he made me feel at the beginning continued to be a problem now, almost two years later.

 

He is very socially awkward and we don't go out very often. Life is centred around the home, his family and his studies. I have my work which is great and hobbies that I do alone because he doesn't share my interests or has no time. He has gained a lot of weight and sexually, he is very repressed. I am quite wild at heart and have enjoyed many very gratifying physical relationships with men and women alike in the past. I was very proud of my strong sexuality but this has diminished to the point where I don't really recognise or like myself now. He doesn't like me to dress sexy, wear heels (we are the same height and he has a complex) or display characteristics that attract attention from other males. We live in a culture that is very appreciative of the female form, so I get a lot of compliments anyway, which he doesn't like.

 

He is not (how do I say this nicely) very well endowed and I am not satisfied sexually. He is very insecure so this is something I wouldn't bring up, but I do wonder if I am able to continue being with someone who cannot give me that thing that I need. My friendship circle has closed in on itself and my life is very isolated. I feel stifled, controlled and smothered by my boyfriend. I work from home and cannot relax until he leaves the house. He studies full time and I cannot imagine my life being so mundane and joyless for the next two years.

 

However, some things are great. I have access to a beautiful countryside, horses, the sea and his big, wonderful family. I come from a complex family and like having such a loving and unconditionally supportive structure from them. It would break their hearts too for us to break up as they really do love me very much. I would miss them dearly and would feel very alone as I have not been able to sustain many friendships during this relationship due to isolation, awkwardness and my own tendency to retreat into my relationship. He does love me and tries to make me happy. But is it enough?

 

Am I ready for it? I feel a very strong urge and desire to be free, party, have fun and enjoy life. I miss fun and know that relationships don't have to make you feel drained. Although we don't spend quality time together, I don't feel like I am free and have the space that I need. I get the encumbrances of being in a relationship without the enjoyable parts. I do my hobbies alone but I am not free enough to really be free and enjoy it as I am in a relationship, so there is always something weighing me down. I am so sick of every night being him watching TV, laying on the sofa and me wanting to do something but not being able to as he doesn't want me to go alone.

 

I have cheated in past relationships and have been proud that I have not done so in this, but I feel like I am very tempted to. How can I resolve this? He has exams until the end of August and I am due to go abroad alone for a vacation to see a friend in September. I don't want to upset him or break his heart and I am terrified of making the wrong choice. Please help me.

 

CrossRoads Girl

[LimeBlue]

Same boat. I do not know either. I too suffer the isolation, and the sex problem. My H is a good man but there is so much lacking emotionally and sexually.

[CrossroadsGirl]

LimeBlue - Thanks for empathizing. How long have you been married for? Do you have children together? How long have you felt ambivalence?

 

My BF and I are not married and have no children, but I know that this is what he wants eventually. I am not sure if that this what I want. It is tough figure out if I do want these things, albeit not with him.

[oldshirt]

I am going to generalize here but people really need two things to make an R work. One is they need physical attraction, sexual desire/chemistry and need some romantic passion and intimacy.

 

They also need comfort and nurturing and need to feel safe and that the other person truly likes them and will be there for them and will treat them well.

 

I'm guessing many of your previous lovers were more of the handsome, sexual, adventurous and passionate kind of guys that excited you and gave you great sex and passion but weren't really "there" for you and may not have always treated you well and since they were good looking and adventurous and had a lot of masculine and sexual energy, there were probably other girls attracted to them too and so they cheated on you and made you feel used for sex quite a bit.

 

Then along comes your current guy and he soothed your wounds by being Mr Nice Guy and you liked him because he was gentle and sweet and you felt safe and secure with him and you felt that he would always be there for you and wouldn't cheat on you or break your heart.

 

So yes, he wouldn't break your heart but he doesn't make it go pitter-pat either. so now you are feeling trapped and smothered and uninspired.

 

You really only have three choices here, either inspire him to change or find someone else or live with feeling smothered and uninspired ..... bearing in mind that it will only get WORSE with time and that eventually you will cheat to get that rush of excitement again, or you will just pack up one day and walk away leaving him devastated and leaving your kids and families in the wake of a divorce.

 

As for option #1. it's hard for people to change but it does happen. In your case you are going to have to seriously rock the boat and really risk blowing it all up in order for him to hear you and take you seriously. In order for him to change, he is going to have to want to for his own reasons. He's not likely to do it simply because you want him to be studlier. If you are serious about wanting him to change and are willing to risk blowing everything up in order to get him to change, get him the books, "The Married Man SexLife Primer" and "The Mindful Attraction Plan," both by Athol Kay and also the book "No More Mr Nice Guy," by Robert Glover and have him read those and tell him that he needs to pump up the volume or you'll be sending him postcards from the beach with other studs.

 

The bad news here is he may be able to step up his game a little bit but probably will never be the porn star that you want. The best that you can probably hope for is that he will achieve a certain level of , "not-as-bad."

 

Option #3 is what Oprah and your mother and grandmother and much of the rest of society want you to do. Women are very much being socialized to screw the studs in bars while they are college to get that out of their systems but then to settle down and raise babies with the "nice guys."

 

Since you are 32 years old and still needing that passion, this is going to be a very tough road for you. what you are suffering now is truly the tip of the iceberg of what you will be feeling when you are married and have screaming, puking, pooping kids biting at your teets. Some people were just not meant for house in the suburbs with the white picket fence and the 2.3 kids. And of course his d!ck isn't going to grow without surgery.

 

Another thing you need to keep in mind is as you become more and more disenchanted with him and your relationship, he too is going to become more and more miserable and he is going to become one of these lonely guys that comes on her and moans about his wife not having sex with him and that she is always Facebooking and sexting with other guys and that he caught her cheating a few years ago but that he decided to "foregive" her.

 

Which brings up back to option #2. I think you should seriously consider it. If you leave now, you'll both shed a few tears for a few weeks. You'll each cry in a few beers and then you'll both move on and do fine. There will be no real damage and no real harm to come if you make a clean break now.

 

Sure, his family will be obligated to tell him that deep down they knew you weren't right for him but they won't have the bitterness and resentment for you that they will when you cheat on him down the road after you are married and have children. They'll get over it now and won't hold a grudge.

 

If you leave now, you can cut losses and have minimal damage and chaos and you will have the opportunity to find some middle ground where someone can make your eyes roll up in your head but that is still a decent person and will treat you right also.

 

So there you have it. You have a few options and all options might work to one degree or another but there is not a silver bullet or perfect solution that will make everything all sunshine and roses but without any pain.

 

I do wish you well.

[oldshirt]

Ooops, never mind, I just saw your post on the other forum.

 

IMHO I think you did the right thing. Yes, he'll be hurt and it may distract him from his finals and may goof up some family plans but trust me, there is NEVER a perfect time to break up and never a time that won't cause some kind of disruption.

 

The only truly bad time to break up is the day AFTER you realize it is the best course of action .... and it only gets worse for ever day after that.

[CrossroadsGirl]

oldshirt thank you so much for your eloquent, thoughtful responses. You hit the nail on the head and I am very pleased that I have ended the relationship the right, respectful way.