2 months into marriage my wife has an affair. Should I stay?

[confusedanddepresed]

In our culture, affairs are far too common. But that fact does not seem to take away the pain I have been feeling. Some back story to my nightmare would include the fact that my wife and I dated for over 6 years before we got married. We were the high school couple who stayed together through good and bad. We had problems like any couple. We've been married for coming up on 2 years now. I found out a few weeks ago that my wife had an affair beginning 2 months into our marriage. This continued for a few months, so she says, then she broke it off with the co-worker who suddenly moved a thousand miles away as she puts it. Can I trust that this co-worker of hers really moved out of state right after she ended it? Should I stay with a woman who can cheat weeks after saying vows in front of hundreds of people? I'm not so sure. I am scared for my own health at this point. Depression is one thing but the amount I have been drinking is another concern. Not sure what to do. I really do love her or I would have told her to leave right then and there when I finally got the truth out of her.

[Woggle]

Do you have any kids? If not get out. If so get out but protect your rights as a father.

[confusedanddepresed]

No kids. Thankfully, just a hyper lab puppy who seems to pick up on my troubles. Some days I want out, others I want to make it work. I always thought, (and even told her) if she cheated I was out right then. If we were still dating or even engaged I would have called it quits right when I found out. The dog and our house are working in her favor I must say.

[Woggle]

No kids. Thankfully, just a hyper lab puppy who seems to pick up on my troubles. Some days I want out, others I want to make it work. I always thought, (and even told her) if she cheated I was out right then. If we were still dating or even engaged I would have called it quits right when I found out. The dog and our house are working in her favor I must say.

 

Then get out. You can leave her and completely wash your hands of her.

[confusedanddepresed]

I like the appeal of starting over but how does one even start? I've love to skip town. I have job opportunities, far south in Molokai or far north in Fairbanks. To boot I'm working on a degree in hydrology which is no joke. I'm so undecided what to do. If I leave her I cannot stay locally, but that means giving up my dreams of being a hydrologist because she screwed me over.

[BeholdtheMan]

I like the appeal of starting over but how does one even start?

Take some time to heal and then find another woman. The only force in this world preventing you from starting over is your own timidity

 

Oh by the way, being a doormat never works with wayward spouses. Respect yourself. She cheated after 2 months of marriage. Walk away and she'll probably respect you more as a man...too late for her though.

[Zenstudent]

To me, this is a no-brainer. Two months after the ceremony???

 

How would you like to add kids, property and 20 years of shared history to the mix when she decides to cheat again?? It doesn't get easier with time.

 

Leave, start over and be happy.

[Owl]

Only you can decide whether or not there's enough foundation there to rebuild trust from...whether or not she's ever going to be trustworthy again.

 

If you're asking if it's POSSIBLE to recover...in some situations, yes.

 

If you're asking if it's LIKELY that she's going to suddenly change into a trustworthy...in this case my answer is....probably not so much.

 

She ended the affair when her affair partner moved. Not because she felt guilty, not because she loved you more...not even because she was caught and forced to make a choice....instead, it only ended because he wasn't available to her anymore.

 

She doesn't sound all that remorseful from what you've described either. She doesn't sound like she's going to be willing to put forth the hard work...over a long time....needed to rebuild your trust and faith in her.

 

So...given that...I don't think she's likely to make a good recovery partner for you.

 

But the choice remains up to you, as it always has been.

[Bryanp]

I would strongly suggest that you:

1. Get tested for STD's

2. See an attorney about an annulment

3. Get a divorce immediately and move on with your life.

 

Your wife after 2 months of marriage during your honeymoon period is screwing another man time and again behind your back. She clearly has absolutely has no respect for whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She is absolutely toxic to you. Good luck.

[bubbaganoosh]

If she started cheating two months into your marriage, then to be honest, you don't have a marriage. No doubt she is immature and doesn't fully grasp the idea that when your married, you have a commitment to your spouse and you have and she hasn't.

 

I think that if you stay with her, your going to experience round 2 somewhere down the road again and maybe by this time, children will be involved and then the troubles really bloom. I know you love her but it's obvious that she doesn't love you in the same way. If it's going to work, both you and her have to be committed to each other and you just got handed her feelings on commitment. Cut your losses and move on. You guys are still supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of your marriage. Would be nice is she felt the same way.

[Madman81]

I agree with the others. Your marriage to her was practically stillborn. It barely even had a chance. A newly-married couple are supposed to be in the honeymoon stage for at LEAST a few months, but she started an affair two months in. Which means that she was probably contemplating it for at least a few weeks before that, and had already presumably gotten warm tinglies in her pants the first time she had any detailed interaction with the OM. In short, it's highly likely that her heart has never been in the marriage.

 

Nobody who attended the wedding would begrudge you for divorcing her so quickly, in light of what she did. From your post I'm guessing you're 24-26 or so? Dude, you have your whole life ahead of you. At that age, it's not worth tying your life to somebody who was willing to kill your marriage in its infancy. When I was your age, I wish I'd learned what you now know. Unfortunately I didn't find out until seven years and two kids later.

 

Ending it won't completely be a picnic, but right now is your best opportunity to get out and start fresh with a minimum of difficulty and with nothing tying you to her. And it won't ever be this good again. Your heart will be pretty banged up for awhile, but you'll get through it, I guarantee. And a few years from now, when you're happily in a new relationship based on mutual love, respect, honesty and loyalty, you'll wonder why you ever considered staying in your current marriage.

 

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

-- Tyler Durden

Edited August 1, 2013 by Madman81

[Decimated]

Get out now. I divorced my first wife after 1 1/2 years for cheating...no children. It's going to hurt for a while but IMHO it would be foolish to stay with her. I Will happen again...that's just who she is. There is a fundamental lack of integrity in her to be able to do this.

 

A couple years down the road you will thank yourself for making this decision. You can't stay with someone if you are going to be forever looking over your shoulder wondering when she will do it again.

 

You shouldn't build a house on a cracked foundation...marriage is the same. You can't build a life together with broken trust.

[Artie Lang]

The dog and our house are working in her favor I must say.

 

not a good enough reason to stay, in my opinion.

 

 

by your description of your situation, you have plenty of opportunities to get out of this mess and pursue greener pastures. i recommend you take them.

[HopingAgain]

No kids? And she cheated after only 2 months of marriage? Run like hell!

[BetrayedH]

I wouldn't read too much into the fact that you didn't immediately leave her. While we all think that infidelity would be an immediate dealbreaker, 80+% of men will initially stay (the numbers are even higher for women). You're in a shock phase and so it makes sense that you wouldn't immediately split.

 

I'm curious how you found out about the affair. Did she voluntarily confess or did you discover it. If she confessed on her own, that says a lot more a out her remorse than if it was discovered. Statistically speaking, it doubles the odds of a reconciliation.

 

I noticed you seem to be fuzzy aboutt some details regarding the OM. Is that because you haven't asked/don't want to know or because she is resistant to discussing the affair?

[oldshirt]

People usually only confess what they can't squirm out of and that is usually just the tip of the iceberg.

 

She lied and covered up this much and kept it under wraps for 2 years. God only knows what else has been going on behind closed doors.

 

You have to assume the affair was going strong when he moved away and that she was sad to see him go and would have continued if he had stayed.

 

That was also a pretty egregious breach of trust so you have to assume there are or at least have been others. Do some detective work and see what else you can uncover.

 

I don't know if this is recoverable or not or if you would even want to. It will take a while before you realize the full effect of this betrayal. You may not be able to get past it and no one will blame you if you don't.

 

This is beyond the scope of what strangers on a website can advise you on. You both need to get into professional counseling and get everything out on the table and review all of your options with the counselor.

 

This is a crappy thing to have dropped in your lap.

[oldshirt]

 

This is a crappy thing to have dropped in your lap.

 

 

Speaking of which, how did you find out about this? What made her admit to this?

[Darren Steez]

My word, two months? One is theoretically still in honeymoon mode. Two months? Wow. So everything has been a lie then? Man, I'm so sorry for you man. Get out.

[confusedanddepresed]

We had a fight about something so stupid I can't even remember. But out of the blue she told me she wanted out. I was puzzled since this fight was nothing even close to a big enough issue to want to split over. After hours of talking (at this point I was telling her we can make it work) I said its not like either one of us has cheated right? The silence was enough to know that she had. I asked some questions such as when did it happen, who is he, is it still going and the like. So yes she admitted it in a sense but only after I got it out of her, she did not come to me one day and say we need to talk about something. Once I got it out, she immediately turned around and was the one who did not want a divorce. She says that she only said that because she didn't want to tell me and if she did she assumed I would ask for one anyway. As far as the guy she was with this is what I know. I know his name and the fact that they worked together. I asked questions regarding where it happened (his place after work) and what excuses she told me when she was coming home so late from work. She told me he was also married but separated and that his wife lived in another state. When they ended it they decided to try to make it work with their respected spouses.

[road]

In our culture, affairs are far too common. But that fact does not seem to take away the pain I have been feeling. Some back story to my nightmare would include the fact that my wife and I dated for over 6 years before we got married. We were the high school couple who stayed together through good and bad. We had problems like any couple.

 

Dating is the job interview for marriage. During the most romantic time of your lives you many bad times.

 

I bet during those bad times was when your WW was cheating on you before you got married.

 

To get cheated on two months after the honey moon means you ignored all the red flags and married this girl when you should have not married her.

 

You are young, no kids, no financial claims, so divorce her and find a girl that is good wife material.

[Bryanp]

It sounds like he dumped her and you are plan B the doorprize. Get tested for STD's and see an attorney. 2 months married and she is screwing another man behind your back in an affair says it all. In addition, the chances are pretty good that you may have had sex with her right after she had sex with her lover. Seriously, you would have to be absolutely crazy to even consider being with such a woman. It is pretty obvious that she never loved you in the first place.

[aliveagain]

The chances of a marriage surviving when infidelity happens in the first few months is almost zilch. This wasn't a one night stand, it lasted for months. She was banging him at work and than came home and banged you, the wedding wasn't even paid for yet. Can you imagine what she will do to you in year 10 when the excitement has worn off? Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights. Expose him to his wife because their always splitting up or getting a divorce, that line is in every Wayward How To Book, just like every Other Man has a shotgun behind every door. They tell you those things when they don't want you looking for them. Tell your wife you want a refund, she cheated you out of your honeymoon.

[confusedanddepresed]

Tonight was her birthday. All she wanted was a night off from feeling guilty of her infidelity. I tried so hard. I really did, we ended up having sex. Since the discovery I have used sex as a way to try to reclaim her as my own. Tonight it didn't work. During these relations I had images flashing through my mind of her with her co-worker, David. I got soft very quickly. I apologize for the image to you all but it killed all the drive I had. I'm so depressed I don't even know how to handle it anymore. I wake up and stare at the ceiling for literally hours. I am slowly coming to the realization that I need to leave. All but one of you has said the same. I really do love her. I know for certain now I am not faking that emotion. But as so many of you have said, how can I fix this? How could I ever stop my mind from wondering? Today was not mainly about the acts themselves (aside from when we had 'relations') but mostly about the times during the affair. I thought non stop about one instance in particular. A Christmas party we went to for her work. Even before the revelation took place it was considered a dark time in my mind. It was the single worst night I had with her in the 8 years we've been together. I now understand why that night was so bad. It makes me sick to my stomach to think back on that night (not a figure of speech), literally sick. I can't imagine going back to that night knowing that she was screwing around before and after that night. I wish now that I had not truly loved her, or at least that I do not currently. It would make this decision so much easier. I want to leave so much. I want to stay so much. I am so messed up in the head I can't begin to explain it. Last night I had a dream about having a daughter, I remember my sister, mom, dad and brother being there, I don't remember her being there at all. I specifically remember feeling as though my family was helping through being a single dad but I'm not sure if she had left or had died. I don't know what to do. I recently quit my good paying job for a job that pays less than half what I was making. Why? I'm dedicated to my schooling and therefore my future. Hydrology is no joke. This degree is both challenging and demanding. That said, I don't feel as though I can simply run away. Not to mention my mother's bad health and my sister's 5 months old baby. I feel trapped. I've had job offers as far south as Molokai, HI, North as far as Fairbanks, AK, or east to North Dakota. Its nice to know I have friends everywhere. I guess the military did well for me in that respect, but that's another story.. Honestly I don't even want to try dating anymore. I feel as though its her or being alone forever. I am a decently attractive guy, she was the catch of a lifetime. Honestly, we can't go to dinner without 3/4 of the guys around checking her out. She is drop dead gorgeous. That is not just through my eyes. Just to have her by my side I am proud. That said, I got lucky, she is way out of my league. We started dating many years ago when she was hurting from a father who beat her and a mother who told her she wasn't good enough. I'm done ranting for tonight, I'm far to drunk, I would keep going like this until I had a full novel. Thank you to those who actually read all the way through this rank. Now that you know a bit more, please tell me your thoughts and continue to give advice. I realize it is still ultimately my decision to stay or leave her but every bit of wisdom helps. And I appreciate every reply.

[oldshirt]

During these relations I had images flashing through my mind of her with her co-worker, David. I got soft very quickly. I apologize for the image to you all but it killed all the drive I had.

 

 

 

No apologies necessary. A lot of people are surprised you are even talking to her let alone being surprised that you can't bring yourself to make love to her.

[oldshirt]

Honestly I don't even want to try dating anymore. I feel as though its her or being alone forever. I am a decently attractive guy, she was the catch of a lifetime. Honestly, we can't go to dinner without 3/4 of the guys around checking her out. She is drop dead gorgeous. That is not just through my eyes. Just to have her by my side I am proud. That said, I got lucky, she is way out of my league.

 

 

This kind of mentality is called "oneitis." Google it.

 

It is where deep down you believe you have one shot at love and if this tanks that you will never find love again.

 

It is also believing that this one gal is some how a special snowflake and that there are no others like her and that you will never again be able to find someone as special and as beautiful etc etc etc.

 

These feelings are all completely FALSE. She may be pretty and she may be able to bat her eyes and make you feel good. But she blew all of that. She screwed up.

 

When you see her as something beautiful and special etc you are looking through 'wife goggles' and you are seeing her through your own heart and she looks special to you. She may be an attractive woman and guys may check out her ass and such but she is no more special or unique than any other woman.

 

As this process takes place and things start to sink in more and more as time goes on, your wife goggles will start to come off and you will see her more and more as simply just another cheating ho. You will start to notice and see her cold black heart more. You will start to feel that special warmth less and less.

 

Then you will soon start to notice the charms of other nice and attractive women as the 'oneitis' starts to fade. You will notice other women noticing you. then before long you will realize that you in fact DO have other chances at love and that there is a whole other world out there that you just haven't seen in long time due to your oneitis and seeing her through your wife goggles.

 

That process has already begun with the limpy. You tried to give her a special night on her birthday (why you tried to do that is beyond many of us but that is beside the point) and you couldn't do it because you are already starting to feel the effects of what she did.

 

I honestly don't know if you can reconcile this or not or even if you should.

 

I think you ask her to leave for an indetermined period of time while you collect your thoughts and decide whether you are going to keep her around or not.

 

If you decide you can't reconcile it and can't recover, then begin the process of separating and divorcing. Noone wants to do that just like no one wants to give rid of that beloved car that was in perfect running order until it got totaled. She may have totaled herself. Its not what you would have wanted but it is what it is.

 

If you decide you do want her back and want to try to reconcile, you can't act as if nothing has happened and that everything is OK and that you'll just go back to where you were and pretend nothing happened. It doesn't work that way.

 

If you are to reconcile you are going to have to lay down the law and spell out exactly what she has to do to earn back your warmth, respect and trust (and that can take years)

 

And she is also going to have to lay it all out on the table on what she needs to remain in the home and remain in a healthy and faithfull marriage. (it's not 'your fault' that she cheated but she has wants and needs that have to be met for her to remain married to you as well)

 

That will all probably take professional counseling and guidance. That's not something that strangers on the internet can work out for you.

 

It is a very reasonable and necessary thing to demand going into counseling in good faith and put forth sincere effort if she wants to make this marriage work.

 

If she balks or comes up with excuses or reasons why she shouldn't go to counseling with you, then that is a very reasonable deal breaker and valid reason to begin the separation and divorce process.