teethgrinder Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Paint the picture: Me and my ex were going out for 5 months. She broke it off with me saying I could do better. I know it seems like a lame excuse but she is really insecure. 9 months after that, we got back together (she asked me out again). 2 1/2 years down the line, last week she broke it off with me again. Why? The main reason being we have a lot of arguements that spur out of control. Something little ends up in a big shouting match, mainly stemming from her insecurities and jealousy. I am 22 and have just finished university. She is 18 and just started university about a month ago. I am finding it really hard. I think she is finding it easier due to the new lifestyle she is encountering. I really love her and even though the arguements are a strain, I can deal with them. She says she can't anymore but she still loves me. She wants to see if fate will play its cause and we will get back together again. She still wants to be friends. What do you think I can do to maximise my chances of getting back with her? Should I stay friends with her and talk? At the moment I find myself pestering her all the time. Or should I say I can't be friends, and let me know in the future if you want to get back with me? Or should I say we need some time apart? I know time apart is probably the best thing but I'm finding it so so so difficult. I'm really scared that now in her new environment, she is going to find someone better, and I have dedicated my whole uni life to her, my "peak time" to find someone else is over. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Misty2004 Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Let her go with love Let her find out herself what makes her happy. Take time apart. Believe me I know it's difficult, but it's the best thing to do. She needs to figure out herself what she wants. As for you. You peak time isn't over. You're only 22. You'll find someone that will be happy with you, and who you will be happy with. It might be your x, it might not. But at the moment it's not Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 agreed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author teethgrinder Posted October 31, 2004 Author Share Posted October 31, 2004 How do I let her go with love? I think I might have messed it up already. I keep ringing her, texting her, I sent her flowers. It is really hard to let go. How can I stop on a sweet note? What should I say to her or should I just stop cold? U guys are great. Everyone tells me to give her time, but its really easier said than done. When a stranger says it, then it sticks! Link to post Share on other sites
Misty2004 Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 .. about what you have already done. My situation was a bit different, but read my post from yesterday, "rambling" and see if it strikes a note. Maybe you could do something similar? Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 make your presence known to her with notes, small sentimental gifts, etc. make sure it's things that don't put pressure on her to respond or to get back together with you. try to see her about once a week and bring her little things. for now, you should let her know you love her and you want her to be happy -- maybe on the phone. ask her, "hi, how are you?" and talk with her for a little, then say, "well, i called to see how your day's been and to tell you that i love you and i want you to be happy." my advice is wait for her to ask you out places at first. if that doesn't work, and she doesn't invite you anywhere, slowly start to invite her to things. i just started university myself, and my guy and i broke up the first week, for the same reason as you guys -- deep-seated issues that had been resurfacing a lot, too many painful arguments. my guy finally said "i'm sorry, but there's too much hurt [for us to be together right now]." it really affected me like mad. even just starting school is a crazy experience for us girls, throw in a breakup and we're totally nuts and don't know what we feel! give her the time and space she deserves, but make your presence known and let her know you're there for her. realize that it may take a while to reconnect with this girl. but you obviously care deeply for her and support her. that's very sweet, and i am sure you can find little ways of reminding her of it. to us ladies, the little things matter most. about the flowers and calls, etc., i think you may be putting too much pressure on her. for a girl to get flowers is very romantic when she's all fluttery and in love, but when it's a breakup situation, it may feel like a guy handing you a diamond ring when you're not sure you want to marry him, on a smaller scale of course. good luck and keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author teethgrinder Posted October 31, 2004 Author Share Posted October 31, 2004 So i've got two opinions. 1. Give her space and see if she realises shes made a mistake. 2. Keep contact with her (maybe a call once a week) but do not be too pushy. (I cannot see her as she is an hour on the train away. If I went to see her, that would be classed as pushy) Votes anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Originally posted by Misty2004 Let her go with love Let her find out herself what makes her happy. Take time apart. Believe me I know it's difficult, but it's the best thing to do. She needs to figure out herself what she wants. As for you. You peak time isn't over. You're only 22. You'll find someone that will be happy with you, and who you will be happy with. It might be your x, it might not. But at the moment it's not I agree too. I know time apart is probably the best thing It is. Should I stay friends with her and talk? At the moment I find myself pestering her all the time. So that's not working then. Let her know how you feel & tell her that you need to cool off the contact until she is either back with you or you've moved on enough to just be friends for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
Author teethgrinder Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 I spoke to her yesterday. Kinda made me more confused but at the same time but me at ease. Basically, she was quite angry. I had said I few things that I shouldn't have. I'm sure everyone who has been dumped has thought it but never said it. "She doesnt care anymore" "shes just going out having fun, not thinking about me." She was really upset at the fact that I am a hypocrite which I agree with. She used to get jealous with the fact I had a lot of female friends, went out a lot and so forth. Now, I am feeling the same as she did as she is in the same boat i was in 3 yrs ago. She said she doesnt think she's made a mistake. She had to go through 3 yrs thinking she had something wrong with her, some out of control jealously problem. She's sorry that she happy that I only had to deal with 4 weeks of it. She thinks we will get back together in the "future." She still wants to be friends as she would miss me if we didn't keep contact. She still wants to see me, for example, I bought tickets for us to see a concert and at first she said come, but where will you stay. Then she changed her mind, and said, stay at mine but bring a sleeping bag. Note that, this is only one of the issues, one that i didnt think was such a big issue but is! Anyway, does this change anyones opinions on whether to have a total break or should I keep in touch as she wishes? Cheers guys Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Sure stay in touch, but personally I would only do so if I was absolutely clear in my head that she may never come back to me & and I honestly felt OK with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 yep, you can hang with an ex if you realize you'll never get back with them and are ok with that. Does that mean you have to have the opinion that all hope for reconciliation is gone? Nope. Just means you have to realize it may never happen or expect it to happen simply because you are hanging out with the person. Basically, a person has to go into things not expecting one way or the other to happen and just be him/herself. To me, that is the only way a person can hang out with an ex they still love/want ot be with and not go insane from it. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 ...take it as a HUGE red flag when somebody says, "you can do better than me" or "I don't deserve you." They're trying to tell you something. Generally, it means that they've already done something questionable to you, or want to do be free to do it without the associated guilt. Think about it... what other reason is there to say those things? I suppose it's a compliment, but it's way more of a statement about them than it is about you. If they want to compliment you, they can tell you you're attractive, smart, etc. They're saying that there's something about them that's bad, that they don't have the courage to tell you about, and that they want out of the relationship. Just my $0.02. Link to post Share on other sites
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