Do I Have This Figured Out?

[Moper]

After much soul searching here is where I am.

 

What I am lacking from my marriage is intimacy and I found that intimacy in my AP. Neither I nor my wife have worked our marriage in more than ten years and we truly are roommates. There is no intimacy and I would have to force myself, somehow, to want that intimacy with my wife.

 

I asked my wife where she sees us in 5 years and got a mechanical, uninspired almost lecture-like statement about how it will be like it was before we had our kids. I was told that there is nothing wrong with our marriage and that she won't be available for a 5 minute chat like this after every one of my counseling sessions. Keep in mind that she knows I am depressed and I told her a few weeks ago that I wanted to leave. Also she is no longer interested in sex because of her age, no problem.

 

Tellingly, I think, she did not bother to ask me where I wanted to be and she proceeded to go off and do something else.

 

Once the infatuation stage is over a marriage takes a lot of work and after having an affair.I know that I have a heavy burden. My wife did say that she trusted me and loved me which made me a little sick to my stomach not.because I didn't want to hear that but rather because I have betrayed her and I am not.worthy of her trust. I am stealing her trust and I have been an honest man my whole life.

 

I do not see having that intimacy with this woman and while talking to her, as bad as I tbink this was, I did start to feel something. I believe that the grass is not greener on the other side and I know I need more work on myself. I know I can have intimacy since I had it with my AP. I see myself having intimacy in 5 years but not.with my wife, and I don't want to change that.

 

My concern here is that I am largely to blame for the lack of intimacy so I have to think that I will repeat this failure, and my AP's story is far worse than mine. She admits that she did not work her marriage and I know she is in denial. She refuses counseling.

 

Not only am I scuttling my own intimacy, but I crave someone who is more self-destructive than I am.

 

I had a point here but now I have lost it. How ironic. I think I was going to ask if I should be satisfied with my strong feeling that I need to leave my wife? Actually I know I need more.work on myself but I guess I am testing this conclusion to see if it fits. I have not bought it yet but I do know that I do not want to do what I know I would need to do after having the affair. In fact I am sure I had the affair as a dysfunctional way of telling myself that my marriage is over, yet I still fight that conclusion for some reason.

 

Your thoughts the past few days have been extremely helpful. Thank you.

[DawnR]

 

I asked my wife where she sees us in 5 years and got a mechanical, uninspired almost lecture-like statement about how it will be like it was before we had our kids. I was told that there is nothing wrong with our marriage and that she won't be available for a 5 minute chat like this after every one of my counseling sessions.

 

If I am understanding this statement correctly, she sounds like a real JOY to be around, and I totally mean that sarcastically! I do not mean to insult, but you sound very kind and considerate - at least in the posts we have both shared over the last couple of days.

 

You are clearly near rock bottom in terms of your emotional state concerning you marriage... and she said she won't be available for a 5 minute chat like this after every one of my counseling sessions WHAT THE HECK!?

 

Cant spare 5 minutes?!

 

I hate to say it, but I do not think she wants to fix it either.

 

Further more, this other person fulfills needs that you know you have... and provided you END IT with your wife rather than going behind her back... then there is nothing wrong with leaving her. She sounds ungrateful for you anyways. Which makes me sad for you. I am sorry.

 

I got on here deliberately today to see if you had come to a PLACE in your decision yet. I think you know what needs to happen.

[DawnR]

Hey, I'm really sorry to hear about all that your marriage is going through. That sounds really difficult. I'm not at all trying to belittle your pain, but I want to encourage you not to give up hope yet. I found this article that might be helpful to you as you make some decisions. (It's offered by a company I work for.) Hang in their, friend... It's not the end of your story!

 

VERY GOOD ARTICLE.

 

I just think wife sounds so inconsiderate to now even allow you 5 minutes, but I may be misunderstanding what you were saying.

 

As I said yesturday, we should always try to remember WHERE WE WERE and WHAT WE WANTED on the day we made our vows... and try to remember what you wanted your future to look like ON THAT DAY... is that where you are now? Is this where you wanted to be?

 

If not... what went wrong? Can it be fixed?

 

She needs to get that attitude in check though. That alone would drive me away.

[Moper]

If I am understanding this statement correctly, she sounds like a real JOY to be around, and I totally mean that sarcastically! I do not mean to insult, but you sound very kind and considerate - at least in the posts we have both shared over the last couple of days.

 

You are clearly near rock bottom in terms of your emotional state concerning you marriage... and she said she won't be available for a 5 minute chat like this after every one of my counseling sessions WHAT THE HECK!?

 

Cant spare 5 minutes?!

 

I hate to say it, but I do not think she wants to fix it either.

 

Further more, this other person fulfills needs that you know you have... and provided you END IT with your wife rather than going behind her back... then there is nothing wrong with leaving her. She sounds ungrateful for you anyways. Which makes me sad for you. I am sorry.

 

I got on here deliberately today to see if you had come to a PLACE in your decision yet. I think you know what needs to happen.

 

Oh boy. I don't think I'm rock bottom yet Dawn. And thanks for caring. I am what I am which at this point is a cheater. I am largely responsible for my wife being at this point. As for my AP partner, I am supposed to be on no contact. I have not been on no contact. She has been blowing me off for a month and telling me it was because of this or that but it will be okay. She was supposed to see me and she guaranteed she wouldn't blow me off again. Of course she found a way and then it became that I had to leave my wife in order to try again with her. I called the AP on it this morning and she fessed up. Yeah, she wanted to ride a motorcycle cross country and I don't really fit her bill, which of course in this situation it never works out. There's more to her drama. She is an addict. Everyone says she is using heroin but she denies it. Bottom line is that she lied to me and I fell in. I am sure she really is an addict. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. Dawn there is something seriously wrong with me at the moment. A friend of mine whom I just related everything to told me that I want it all. That rings true to some degree. I was sure I had a handle on this when I wrote opening post. Life is like that though, just when you're sure you have it the other shoe drops. But then this is good because the AP was dangling hope and that is a toxic hope. I told her either to work on this with me or let's kill off the hope for good. I put it right to her and that's when she fessed up. And since she has been lying to me, liar that I now am understands that she has been lying all along. You do not get everyone saying that you are an active addict if you are not an active addict. What a mess we weave when we set out to deceive.

[Moper]

VERY GOOD ARTICLE.

 

I just think wife sounds so inconsiderate to now even allow you 5 minutes, but I may be misunderstanding what you were saying.

 

As I said yesturday, we should always try to remember WHERE WE WERE and WHAT WE WANTED on the day we made our vows... and try to remember what you wanted your future to look like ON THAT DAY... is that where you are now? Is this where you wanted to be?

 

If not... what went wrong? Can it be fixed?

 

She needs to get that attitude in check though. That alone would drive me away.

 

Actually Dawn, if I were her I would divorce me so fast my head would spin.

[DawnR]

Actually Dawn, if I were her I would divorce me so fast my head would spin.

 

Maybe you both need time away from anyone. You certainly do not want to get involved with an addict (of any kind whether heroin or otherwise). Maybe what you ALL need is just to not be around each other. Possibly for a time. Sometimes its hard to think OUTSIDE OF THE BOX... when you are stuck IN THE BOX. Crazy cliche, but it makes perfect sense for this situation I think.

 

I do not think you should be so hard on yourself about the EA... or that it has progressed. CORRECT, it was wrong... I see that... I can see that you see that... it should have never happened.... I got it. But, just consider what drove you to this point.

 

ALSO, if you split from your wife, let it be. People change, people grow apart. I wish those things did not happen, I hope I never have to go through it (which makes me selfish) but... if I do come to that crossroad.... I hope I do not let it break me completely down... and do not let it cause me to make poor judgement.... (like leaving for a potential addict). Do not do that. But you do not have to stay with your wife either.

 

I am all about working anything out... if it can be worked out. (as you might have seen me in another post giving advice concerning an affair) BUT, working it out does not mean REMAINING miserable in the relationship. I do not think you were happy before, if you were... I do not think the EA would have taken place... let alone would it have progressed.

 

If you stay... you and wife have some serious issues to dissolve, and regardless of whose fault it is.... YOURS FOR CHEATING, or HERS FOR HAVING HER PART IN DRIVING YOU to do it.... she is going to need to be willing to sit down and talk and work on some things. It doesnt seem she is willing to do that RIGHT NOW, and she doesnt even know about the affair AT THIS TIME. How do you think she will respond after you tell her?

[Moper]

Maybe you both need time away from anyone. You certainly do not want to get involved with an addict (of any kind whether heroin or otherwise). Maybe what you ALL need is just to not be around each other. Possibly for a time. Sometimes its hard to think OUTSIDE OF THE BOX... when you are stuck IN THE BOX. Crazy cliche, but it makes perfect sense for this situation I think.

 

I do not think you should be so hard on yourself about the EA... or that it has progressed. CORRECT, it was wrong... I see that... I can see that you see that... it should have never happened.... I got it. But, just consider what drove you to this point.

 

ALSO, if you split from your wife, let it be. People change, people grow apart. I wish those things did not happen, I hope I never have to go through it (which makes me selfish) but... if I do come to that crossroad.... I hope I do not let it break me completely down... and do not let it cause me to make poor judgement.... (like leaving for a potential addict). Do not do that. But you do not have to stay with your wife either.

 

I am all about working anything out... if it can be worked out. (as you might have seen me in another post giving advice concerning an affair) BUT, working it out does not mean REMAINING miserable in the relationship. I do not think you were happy before, if you were... I do not think the EA would have taken place... let alone would it have progressed.

 

If you stay... you and wife have some serious issues to dissolve, and regardless of whose fault it is.... YOURS FOR CHEATING, or HERS FOR HAVING HER PART IN DRIVING YOU to do it.... she is going to need to be willing to sit down and talk and work on some things. It doesnt seem she is willing to do that RIGHT NOW, and she doesnt even know about the affair AT THIS TIME. How do you think she will respond after you tell her?

 

Without going into more detail I had it out with AP and I am 180 degrees about face on this. I want my wife back. I have been a total idiot. It is like a curtain has been lifted. I am ready to do whatever I have to do. Funny how this works.

[Lauriebell82]

Without going into more detail I had it out with AP and I am 180 degrees about face on this. I want my wife back. I have been a total idiot. It is like a curtain has been lifted. I am ready to do whatever I have to do. Funny how this works.

 

Good. I was going to say that you would be nuts to leave your caring and supportive wife (she took you back even though you lied and cheated) for an active heroin addict. I do think you should be hard on yourself. It wasnt okay and never will be okay what you did. Maybe that will prevent you from doing it again.

[Moper]

Good. I was going to say that you would be nuts to leave your caring and supportive wife (she took you back even though you lied and cheated) for an active heroin addict. I do think you should be hard on yourself. It wasnt okay and never will be okay what you did. Maybe that will prevent you from doing it again.

 

Wife is lacking in that regard but that is no excuse for my actions. There is no excuse formmy actions but there are reasons conscious and subconscious. I am human and thus I make mistakes. I am learning from this one.

 

AP may or may not be an active addict but is nevertheless an addict. I add that fact because it indeed is indicative of some facets of me. I am not totally sure what but I still have more to learn.

 

Wife does not know yet. I am still weighing the benefits of telling her against the pain it would cause. My own expiation is not a benefit. Being condemned to carrying this burden as a scar seems perhaps more just but either way I am not there yet.

 

I have pivoted and I do think I am now headed in the right direction. I am giving wife fair warning. She has responded in a way that is less than what I wanted but she gets a lot of latitude here as clearly I caused all of this. It is eye opening to know now that I am capable of wanting intimacy with my wife.

 

I do not in any way condone my actions but I will say that when my youngest child is gone if we took no action I think it would be too late and 100% guarantee that the marriage would be over. So ironically I needed this kick in the ass. Again it is no excuse but it is an opportunity.

[Lauriebell82]

Ohhhh, so you havent told your wife about the affair?

[Moper]

Ohhhh, so you havent told your wife about the affair?

 

Not yet. Counselor says hold off.

[dichotomy]

=Moper;5096301 she is no longer interested in sex because of her age, no problem.

 

 

How old is she (are you)?

[Lauriebell82]

Not yet. Counselor says hold off.

 

Ah, okay. I misunderstood your post then. Why did the counselor say to hold off?

[Moper]

Ah, okay. I misunderstood your post then. Why did the counselor say to hold off?

 

She said that there is mixed opinion on the efficacy of doing that. Some people do believe that it is for the benefit of the WS and it does cause extreme pain. I am depressed and certainly not able right now to make a good judgment but also I am depressed and I acted this way for a reason. My wife has been my roommate and financial partner only for a long, long time. If I can't fix that I do need to move on with my life. Of course the right way to have done it would have been to try to fix it before trying to have a relationship with someone else but as I said I have been depressed for at least 6 months. I have been stuffing my issues and they surfaced first with loss of appetite and I think I may have finally hit bottom yesterday. If I can't fix the problem and need to move on there really is no reason to put my wife through that. I am going to all out now to see if I can fix things. I am getting resistance but I do think, as I believe I said above that I owe this to her. I do happen to be right on my issue with my need for intimacy. My wife deserves a long lead time to see if she can do what I need. At least that's my opinion. Then I think she probably deserves to know the truth and then she can decide if she is willing to forgive me. I don't see that answer as being perfect because I am trying to acquire something from her under false pretenses but in the balance I think it is probably the best strategy.

[Moper]

How old is she (are you)?

 

I am a little wary of giving out much more identifying information and I am not sure it matters how old we are. Let's just say I am old enough to know better and to see my mortality, and still young enough to do something about it.

[xxoo]

I am a little wary of giving out much more identifying information and I am not sure it matters how old we are. Let's just say I am old enough to know better and to see my mortality, and still young enough to do something about it.

 

I had the same question about your age. It matters because you say age is the reason your wife doesn't want sex. Usually the reason is not age, but rather the relationship. Unless she is elderly, maybe.

[Moper]

I had the same question about your age. It matters because you say age is the reason your wife doesn't want sex. Usually the reason is not age, but rather the relationship. Unless she is elderly, maybe.

 

It is bull**** and I call her on it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Without going into more detail I had it out with AP and I am 180 degrees about face on this. I want my wife back. I have been a total idiot. It is like a curtain has been lifted. I am ready to do whatever I have to do. Funny how this works.

That you've made this all about you and your needs doesn't bode well for your marriage. I don't see that you give a time frame for your affair but, now cut off from your AP, your wife looks better. If you really want to work on your marriage (and I'm not sure you do), then try this:

 

1). Stop lying to yourself and your wife and come clean. About everything.

2). Let her decide if, fully informed, she wants to work with you to restore your relationship.

3). Given her decision. make your own plans.

 

This is the only way to reestablish the trust in and commitment toward the marriage required by both parties. Without that you're...well, you're where you are today. How's that working out ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Moper]

That you've made this all about you and your needs doesn't bode well for your marriage. I don't see that you give a time frame for your affair but, now cut off from your AP, your wife looks better. If you really want to work on your marriage (and I'm not sure you do), then try this:

 

1). Stop lying to yourself and your wife and come clean. About everything.

2). Let her decide if, fully informed, she wants to work with you to restore your relationship.

3). Given her decision. make your own plans.

 

This is the only way to reestablish the trust in and commitment toward the marriage required by both parties. Without that you're...well, you're where you are today. How's that working out ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I am broken. It is all about me and my needs at the moment. I can't expect to fix the marriage if I can't fix myself first. I am in good counseling for this so I do think my strategy is well thought out. I did not start out wanting to work on the marriage (at least on a conscious level) but in part because of my counseling I have arrived at a point where I think now do. I suspect the counselor saw this in me. Right now I am broken and sick. I am depressed. I'm not thinking well and I am really not good for much of anything. My head and my heart have been in two different places and I don't really know which way is up or down. It is certainly not the time to make any kind of hard decision. I am sorry if that doesn't conform to your moral compass. For about 23 years I was in agreement with you, and even now I'm not in disagreement. But there but for the grace of God go I.

[uncool]

The wife you have now has just sealed her own fate. She's told you that it's only going to get worse.

HELLO?!?!? this means your life is going to suck... not get better.

 

You have a lot of years left before you hit the grave and would be a tragedy to continue all those years in misery.

 

There's a caring, loving woman out there for you who's waiting to give you the respect you deserve and wants to grow old with you. Now go find her.

[Moper]

The wife you have now has just sealed her own fate. She's told you that it's only going to get worse.

HELLO?!?!? this means your life is going to suck... not get better.

 

You have a lot of years left before you hit the grave and would be a tragedy to continue all those years in misery.

 

There's a caring, loving woman out there for you who's waiting to give you the respect you deserve and wants to grow old with you. Now go find her.

 

Thank you. I don't see this at all. My wife has her limitations but she is caring and loving. This is my own character flaw and I have to find it and deal with it. Until then I am truly floundering and in my current condition I am not ready to see things clearly.

 

I am depressed and seeing things through those lenses.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am sorry if that doesn't conform to your moral compass.

It's not that complicated. No marriage, even one as fractured as yours, can succeed without trust. And you can't have trust without honesty, and honesty requires truth.

 

Wouldn't you want to know ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Moper]

It's not that complicated. No marriage, even one as fractured as yours, can succeed without trust. And you can't have trust without honesty, and honesty requires truth.

 

Wouldn't you want to know ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not ready to know. I'll get there.