hippetyhop Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 I can't stand ignoring him. I'm not going to give into him and continue with an EA. However, I'm not opposed to being friends with him down the road (way, way, way down the road). From here, he is either going to continue his M, or find a new AP. Regardless, I'm moving on. I just don't like having burnt bridges. This is what I want to say to him: "As you can probably tell, I take some thought into answering you. I don’t want to make any rash decisions or say anything I’ll regret. I do miss the talking and the texting. I know I can share anything with you and I won’t be judged or my dirty laundry out to hang. I appreciate that trust as it is hard to come by. Right now, I just need some space. I don’t want to cut myself out, but in order to be that friend you miss down the road this is what I need for me. My mind is going a million miles a minute just thinking of everything and I need to get things in order, as should you. I’m still pretty emotional with everything going on, and I just need to digress what happened. It is still a new wound for me and I can’t risk having salt poured into it. In order to have that friendship, I need to do what is best for me. I’ll chit chat with ya later" This is the ultimate test to see how "genuine" he really is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 What's stopping you from saying this to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippetyhop Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 What's stopping you from saying this to him? I don't know. I'm being honest when I say my mind is going a million miles a minute wondering the "what ifs" and I have to get through it. I'm beginning to think he thinks I can't stick to me not being with him. I originally told him I can't go on with another relationship unless I don't have any contact with him. Not seeing him ever again very unlikely as I met him through a mutual friend (we were in a wedding together). So, any get togethers that couple may have will include both him and I there. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 That sounds pretty good, but I would use the word 'digest' instead of 'digress'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippetyhop Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 That sounds pretty good, but I would use the word 'digest' instead of 'digress'. That is what I wanted to write! Thank you! I couldn't figure out what was wrong with the sentence I see this for him as the only ultimatum--take it or leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 If you want change...you have to make change. If you don't change anything, nothing will change. Pretty much that simple. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippetyhop Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 Or, I'm thinking a phone call to him with this information. With an email he can still respond. With a phone call, it'll be a bit more short, sweet to the point without him having to respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 How will you feel if he doesn't respond to your wants and doesn't email you back? I wanted to keep a friendship with my xMM but if he's selfish and can't get want he fully wants (sex) as well. Some MM can't handle that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippetyhop Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 How will you feel if he doesn't respond to your wants and doesn't email you back? I wanted to keep a friendship with my xMM but if he's selfish and can't get want he fully wants (sex) as well. Some MM can't handle that. If he doesn't respond to my wants and keeps emailing me...that is when I'll get really upset and tell him to *&^% off. I'm playing nice right now and keeping my cool. At the end of the day, that means terminating all hopes of a friendship. If he honors my requests and gives me my space BUT down the road doesn't want my friendship, honestly, I would be okay because I tried. I put it out there. I let him know I am willing to try a friendship, but on my terms when I am ready. I am not ready now. He's saying he can handle being friends sans the physical portion. I'm not sure if he can. I'm not sure if I can. I'm not willing to take the risk. Link to post Share on other sites
MMY Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 HipHop, to answer your questions from the other post, My W and I are doing great so far. We have both had things that have tested us (daughter) but before when issues with my daughter would happen, I would want to just get the h3ll out of Dodge and my AP was the one I ran too. I didn't feel that way this last time. My W and I talked through the situation and I didn't have that get away feeling. Back to you. My 2 cents would be not to call. Calling give him the opportunity to engage his mouth before he thinks about what he is going to say. Men don't communicate that well, I think he will want to continue to be friends right away without giving you time to get yourself together. If he is going to work on his M then you have to step away, If you are going to work on yourself you will have to step away also. Like I said, once I was able to talk to my ExAP and understand the difficult situation she is going through ( D from an abusive H, a 5 and 10 yr old missing their dad), I am the last thing she needs in her life. I did thing that we would always be able to be there for one another, that I would be there for her to lean on in these difficult times but I know that isn't how it is supposed to be. One thing my W worries about is when ExAP finalized the D will she try to get back in tough with me. I don't think she will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippetyhop Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 HipHop, to answer your questions from the other post, My W and I are doing great so far. We have both had things that have tested us (daughter) but before when issues with my daughter would happen, I would want to just get the h3ll out of Dodge and my AP was the one I ran too. I didn't feel that way this last time. My W and I talked through the situation and I didn't have that get away feeling. Back to you. My 2 cents would be not to call. Calling give him the opportunity to engage his mouth before he thinks about what he is going to say. Men don't communicate that well, I think he will want to continue to be friends right away without giving you time to get yourself together. If he is going to work on his M then you have to step away, If you are going to work on yourself you will have to step away also. Like I said, once I was able to talk to my ExAP and understand the difficult situation she is going through ( D from an abusive H, a 5 and 10 yr old missing their dad), I am the last thing she needs in her life. I did thing that we would always be able to be there for one another, that I would be there for her to lean on in these difficult times but I know that isn't how it is supposed to be. One thing my W worries about is when ExAP finalized the D will she try to get back in tough with me. I don't think she will. I'm glad to hear you and your wife are doing well. How long has it been since you ended it with xAP? Do you find it hard speaking to your wife about problems/issues instead of going to your AP? As for your AP, was she easier to talk to than your wife? More comforting? What was it about her v. your wife? I was talking to one of my other guy friends who informed me that I should call as I can just lay it out there. With email, although I am not inclined to respond, he can still nit-pick it apart (which he did) and send me questions/thoughts. As for the tone of the emails back and forth (very civil and mature IMO as opposed to what they can be), I feel that a phone call may be genuine since I wouldn't mind being friends down the road if we can handle it. As for his marriage--that is one of the biggest reasons why I'm stepping back. I hate to make him think I am giving him an ultimatum- divorce her and you can have me. But, I'm doing this for both of us. He can at least attempt, and I can see what kind of fish I can find. He is still young, he married young, they have young children (she is older than him). It is salvageable- but not with me in the picture. If he is truly unhappy and D is in the picture, if he comes to me..we'd have to have a long discussion before I can make any final choices. If he didn't, I'd be a bit heartbroken, but would know it is for the best. I have the same feelings for him--wishing I can lean on him and vis-versa to get advice and whatnot. However, it isn't worth the risk of him having an EA with me and making it hard for me to move on. It isn't worth me then hearing him talk about plans they have. It is rough on me, and I don't think he understands that. Why don't you think she will? Does she know you and W are reconciling? Or, does she think the two of you are just done? Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 One thing my W worries about is when ExAP finalized the D will she try to get back in tough with me. I don't think she will. Hi MMY, hope you don't mind me chipping in. But you need to get to the point where it doesn't matter what AP does - if you are more worried about whether she contacts you because you might respond.... how will your wife feel safe? Link to post Share on other sites
MMY Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I'm glad to hear you and your wife are doing well. How long has it been since you ended it with xAP? She went NC on April 11th Do you find it hard speaking to your wife about problems/issues instead of going to your AP? My wife was too busy trying to make everyone happy when the hole time my relationship with my daughter was and still is going to hell in a handbag. As for your AP, was she easier to talk to than your wife? Somewhat, I could vent and she would give me suggestions. But that is how the A started. We became friends that were helping each other with family issues. More comforting? What was it about her v. your wife? AP and I became PA quickly and at that point everything regarding my wife was through rose colored A glasses. I was talking to one of my other guy friends who informed me that I should call as I can just lay it out there. With email, although I am not inclined to respond, he can still nit-pick it apart (which he did) and send me questions/thoughts. As for the tone of the emails back and forth (very civil and mature IMO as opposed to what they can be), I feel that a phone call may be genuine since I wouldn't mind being friends down the road if we can handle it. I can understand As for his marriage--that is one of the biggest reasons why I'm stepping back. I hate to make him think I am giving him an ultimatum- divorce her and you can have me. But, I'm doing this for both of us. He can at least attempt, and I can see what kind of fish I can find. He is still young, he married young, they have young children (she is older than him). It is salvageable- but not with me in the picture. If he is truly unhappy and D is in the picture, if he comes to me..we'd have to have a long discussion before I can make any final choices. If he didn't, I'd be a bit heartbroken, but would know it is for the best. I think my ExAP see's that my M was salvageable and prob a big reason for NC I have the same feelings for him--wishing I can lean on him and vis-versa to get advice and whatnot. However, it isn't worth the risk of him having an EA with me and making it hard for me to move on. It isn't worth me then hearing him talk about plans they have. It is rough on me, and I don't think he understands that. Why don't you think she will? I just have that feeling that we needed each other and were there for one another when we needed someone to lean on and she will move on as I have. Does she know you and W are reconciling? Yes Or, does she think the two of you are just done? I don't know I did look at her FB profile (that is all I can see cause I ended up blocking her) and she has a pic of her kids on the beach and one of them has a visor I had bought for her. She and I would always send hidden message over FB to each other. I might be looking too much into that but either way we have still had NC and things are moving forward at H. Other than my 18 year old Daughter.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippetyhop Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 MMY- Thank you for your response. I did call him and it went to vm. He sent me a text saying he'll call me later as he's in meetings at work. Once I tell him I need my space, I think we'll officially be done for. Now there isn't any reason for me not to tell him since he'll be returning my call. That is exactly how our A started. It just got to be too much for me. Hopefully this is an eye opener for him wanting to begin rebuilding their marriage. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with your daughter, and I hope you and your wife are able to get through this rough patch as well. As for FB--Don't look!!!! I blocked my xMM then ultimately deactivated my FB account so there isn't any kind of temptation in that regard. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I think you should say what you need to say to him. It's important for you to get some sort of closure from all of this. If he respects your wishes, then perhaps you two can maintain a friendship down the road, once the hurt passes. If he cannot respect your wishes...well, it may be time to say goodbye. I think I understand why you've held off on sending it to him; you're afraid it might be final. Am I right? That if you say what's in your heart, he'll react in a negative manner that could negate any potential friendship down the road? It's overwhelming, of that I have no doubt; but, unless you say what you need to, nothing will ever change. It will simply remain, immobile. Somehow, I don't think you want that, either. I wish you all the best. Keep us apprised. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippetyhop Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 I think you should say what you need to say to him. It's important for you to get some sort of closure from all of this. If he respects your wishes, then perhaps you two can maintain a friendship down the road, once the hurt passes. If he cannot respect your wishes...well, it may be time to say goodbye. I think I understand why you've held off on sending it to him; you're afraid it might be final. Am I right? That if you say what's in your heart, he'll react in a negative manner that could negate any potential friendship down the road? It's overwhelming, of that I have no doubt; but, unless you say what you need to, nothing will ever change. It will simply remain, immobile. Somehow, I don't think you want that, either. I wish you all the best. Keep us apprised. You are exactly right. The hurt hurts LOL! I would maintain, or at least try, a friendship down the road if we can. He means a lot to me. I'm friends with one of my exes (totally platonic) and we are fine. However, not all cases are like that. I'm very afraid this is final, however, if I give him the option of us having a possible friendship when I am ready and he disregards that, that is all on him. I gave him ANOTHER chance. I have no hard or ill feelings towards him. He misses me and I miss him. However, I can't do this anymore-at least right now. I feel damaged and alone. I would rather feel that temporarily than always alone. Thank you for your concern--I will definitely keep you appraised. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 You are exactly right. The hurt hurts LOL! I would maintain, or at least try, a friendship down the road if we can. He means a lot to me. I'm friends with one of my exes (totally platonic) and we are fine. However, not all cases are like that. I'm very afraid this is final, however, if I give him the option of us having a possible friendship when I am ready and he disregards that, that is all on him. I gave him ANOTHER chance. I have no hard or ill feelings towards him. He misses me and I miss him. However, I can't do this anymore-at least right now. I feel damaged and alone. I would rather feel that temporarily than always alone. Thank you for your concern--I will definitely keep you appraised. You're absolutely right; you've already done all you can in this situation, and you've given him chances when you likely felt you couldn't take anymore pain. I'm glad you hold no ill toward him; I'm sure he's feeling similarly to you, as well. I really hope he doesn't disregard your feelings, and that you both can reach a peaceable conclusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippetyhop Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 You're absolutely right; you've already done all you can in this situation, and you've given him chances when you likely felt you couldn't take anymore pain. I'm glad you hold no ill toward him; I'm sure he's feeling similarly to you, as well. I really hope he doesn't disregard your feelings, and that you both can reach a peaceable conclusion. Allegedly, he has no ill-feelings towards me, which makes it easier. I think that is why a phone call is in place v. an email-- it might make it a bit more "official" of me needing space. If anything, I think I've been pretty accommodating even after NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Allegedly, he has no ill-feelings towards me, which makes it easier. I think that is why a phone call is in place v. an email-- it might make it a bit more "official" of me needing space. If anything, I think I've been pretty accommodating even after NC. It definitely sounds like the better route to go. A phone call is more personal than an email, and thus, shows a mutual respect between both of you. Best of luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Allegedly, he has no ill-feelings towards me, which makes it easier. I think that is why a phone call is in place v. an email-- it might make it a bit more "official" of me needing space. If anything, I think I've been pretty accommodating even after NC. Expect him to try and talk you out of it. Stand firm on this boundary for YOU!!! And don't fool yourself - you can't "be friends" after you feel a deep connection and intend to end that - besides - its not right to his wife! She SHOULD BE the one he's connecting with - not you! Any contact you engage in is designed to ruin the intimacy they potentially COULD HAVE... The right vm to leave him is "IT'S OVER! DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippetyhop Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 Expect him to try and talk you out of it. Stand firm on this boundary for YOU!!! And don't fool yourself - you can't "be friends" after you feel a deep connection and intend to end that - besides - its not right to his wife! She SHOULD BE the one he's connecting with - not you! Any contact you engage in is designed to ruin the intimacy they potentially COULD HAVE... The right vm to leave him is "IT'S OVER! DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN!" My boundaries are firm with him. It will give me some peace of mind letting myself know I told him I can't, and he knows I can't. Letting him know I need the space I'm hoping it means the end of emails and questions. It it likely hitting me harder than it is him. Down the road ultimately means if he divorces. Until then--I can't. I hope he does rebuild their marriage for the sakes of themselves. If they never divorce, or if they do and he doesn't want to be friends after--that is fine. I put it out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 My boundaries are firm with him. It will give me some peace of mind letting myself know I told him I can't, and he knows I can't. Letting him know I need the space I'm hoping it means the end of emails and questions. It it likely hitting me harder than it is him. Down the road ultimately means if he divorces. Until then--I can't. I hope he does rebuild their marriage for the sakes of themselves. If they never divorce, or if they do and he doesn't want to be friends after--that is fine. I put it out there. Just the fact that you are thinking of him and his M SO much - is not a good sign that you are thinking of your own well being FIRST! First things first! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippetyhop Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 Just the fact that you are thinking of him and his M SO much - is not a good sign that you are thinking of your own well being FIRST! First things first! I am! I really am. Ending it mutually like this will really help me put this behind me. At the end of the day, if they ever divorce, he'll know how to reach me or through whom. If he does, that is great. If not, no skin off my back. I think I need to verbally let him know that. I assume he thinks my email/stances are just the moment, and not long-term. He's trying to call my bluff. Not happening. It is also important I reiterate the whole 'space' thing and get it off my chest as we are attending the same concert Monday (small venue) and he'll be there with BS. With me putting out there where I stand and vis-versa, for some reason it'll make it easier for me to enjoy myself. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I am! I really am. Ending it mutually like this will really help me put this behind me. At the end of the day, if they ever divorce, he'll know how to reach me or through whom. If he does, that is great. If not, no skin off my back. I think I need to verbally let him know that. I assume he thinks my email/stances are just the moment, and not long-term. He's trying to call my bluff. Not happening. It is also important I reiterate the whole 'space' thing and get it off my chest as we are attending the same concert Monday (small venue) and he'll be there with BS. With me putting out there where I stand and vis-versa, for some reason it'll make it easier for me to enjoy myself. IF they divorce - why would you settle for a guy who is willing to cheat? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippetyhop Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 IF they divorce - why would you settle for a guy who is willing to cheat? I'm not holding my breath-- chances of him coming back to me..slim to none. That is why I'm not holding out and ending it now. Link to post Share on other sites
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