I'm hoping this is it

[2sunny]

I'm not holding my breath-- chances of him coming back to me..slim to none. That is why I'm not holding out and ending it now.

 

But IF he divorced - don't you think YOU DESERVE a man that's capable of being honest and true to you?

 

That's obviously not the man he is - he DOES CHEAT!

 

I can't see why you would even "consider" settling for so little...?

[hippetyhop]

But IF he divorced - don't you think YOU DESERVE a man that's capable of being honest and true to you?

 

That's obviously not the man he is - he DOES CHEAT!

 

I can't see why you would even "consider" settling for so little...?

 

That is very true. I have to remind myself that there are better men out there than him. Either his wife or his new love will have to deal with him and his infidelities.

 

I don't know why either. Possibly the typical "I can't find anything better" spiel. I know I can get better and I deserve better--but it is another one of those "easier said than done" situations.

 

Life will be much better after I speak to him.

[2sunny]

Expect him to try to talk you back into your position (feeding his ego and giving up your best interest).

[veryhappy]

The way I see it is that you are looking for reasons to be in contact with him. I'd suspect that you really don't want to let go. Be done already, the more it's a back and forth the more you risk your healing.

 

Simply contact him 5 years from now if you're interested in a platonic friendship. I know I wouldn't and couldn't. The chances that both parties have no romantic interest lingering that could be awaken is close to zero as far as I'm concerned.

 

My mind can't comprehend this. You were romantically involved, and now he's touching and being charming, and communicating with his W, and working hard to make his M blissful, and you go after him with "oh I miss you messages" and "we'll be friends at some point". Don't you feel angry enough, betrayed romantically enough? I wish I were a MM. Life seems sweet.

Edited August 2, 2013 by cutedragon

[hippetyhop]

The way I see it is that you are looking for reasons to be in contact with him. I'd suspect that you really don't want to let go. Be done already, the more it's a back and forth the more you risk your healing.

 

Simply contact him 5 years from now if you're interested in a platonic friendship. I know I wouldn't and couldn't. The chances that both parties have no romantic interest lingering that could be awaken is close to zero as far as I'm concerned.

 

My mind can't comprehend this. You were romantically involved, and now he's touching and being charming, and communicating with his W, and working hard to make his M blissful, and you go after him with "oh I miss you messages" and "we'll be friends at some point". Don't you feel angry enough, betrayed romantically enough? I wish I were a MM. Life seems sweet.

 

I'm looking for a way to move on. Obviously he's not going to get it by email, so he'll get over the phone. Telling him over the phone will be the end all of end all. He'll quit with the emails and whatnot. Like I said, I still don't think he thinks I'm serious. I'm going to tell him he needs to focus on his marriage and not me. I

 

I never told him I miss his messages. As much as I do, I won't let him know that. That is stroking his ego too much. I can't even say for certain if he's trying to make his marriage blissful, or if he's trudging through the motions and just keeping it stable enough for his W not to blow up on him. According to him, his marriage has been rough--and having someone helping him emotionally instead of his wife will try and help him balance it out again.

 

I think life is "easy peasy" for MM until something like this happens.

[hippetyhop]

Expect him to try to talk you back into your position (feeding his ego and giving up your best interest).

 

I'm planning on not allowing him to talk. Done in thirty seconds.

 

Already it is nice not having to wait for his calls, text messages, not knowing what he and she are doing, what the family is doing, why he can't see me. I can keep this going and living my life.

[MMY]

That is very true. I have to remind myself that there are better men out there than him. Either his wife or his new love will have to deal with him and his infidelities.

 

I don't know why either. Possibly the typical "I can't find anything better" spiel. I know I can get better and I deserve better--but it is another one of those "easier said than done" situations.

 

Life will be much better after I speak to him.

 

HipHop, some get it some don't. Only you can know what is best for you. I mentioned email but if talking is how you feel it needs to be done than do it.

 

I do agree that he might try to talk you out of it but coming from a MM where the AP went NC but we did have one last communication, I honored and still honoring the NC because I respect what she is going through and we were friends first.

 

If he doesn't respect that then you don't need him as a friend either.

 

Best to you and go have a blast at the concert.

[veryhappy]

I'm looking for a way to move on. Obviously he's not going to get it by email, so he'll get over the phone. Telling him over the phone will be the end all of end all. He'll quit with the emails and whatnot. Like I said, I still don't think he thinks I'm serious. I'm going to tell him he needs to focus on his marriage and not me. I

 

I never told him I miss his messages. As much as I do, I won't let him know that. That is stroking his ego too much. I can't even say for certain if he's trying to make his marriage blissful, or if he's trudging through the motions and just keeping it stable enough for his W not to blow up on him. According to him, his marriage has been rough--and having someone helping him emotionally instead of his wife will try and help him balance it out again.

 

I think life is "easy peasy" for MM until something like this happens.

 

From your draft "I do miss the talking and the texting". Second line. I bet he'll read "she misses me".

 

The way he will really get that you are serious is seeing that he can't engage you. You can't go back a million times with a last message. He's also not your resource for moving on and you need to make peace with that. Do you really want a last message? Take a week or two and make sure you say everything you want, the way you want it, knowing you won't want to go back and add something or say something. I'd also send it on a Monday morning, to make sure his week will be blah and temper that amazing weekend he just had at home. You know, in those moments, some revenge helps.

[hippetyhop]

HipHop, some get it some don't. Only you can know what is best for you. I mentioned email but if talking is how you feel it needs to be done than do it.

 

I do agree that he might try to talk you out of it but coming from a MM where the AP went NC but we did have one last communication, I honored and still honoring the NC because I respect what she is going through and we were friends first.

 

If he doesn't respect that then you don't need him as a friend either.

 

Best to you and go have a blast at the concert.

 

Thank you

 

I'm thinking he'll get it this time. Perhaps we both need this one last communication.

 

Question for you-- if you and your W didn't reconcile, would you go back to your xAP?

 

I agree if he doesn't respect me. I've been more than nice towards him. Not my fault that he is still in a marriage that isn't going his way. They can fix that, or he can get out.

 

I'm looking forward to the concert However, I heard the weather will be chilly There goes wearing my favorite skirt!

[hippetyhop]

From your draft "I do miss the talking and the texting". Second line. I bet he'll read "she misses me".

 

The way he will really get that you are serious is seeing that he can't engage you. You can't go back a million times with a last message. He's also not your resource for moving on and you need to make peace with that. Do you really want a last message? Take a week or two and make sure you say everything you want, the way you want it, knowing you won't want to go back and add something or say something. I'd also send it on a Monday morning, to make sure his week will be blah and temper that amazing weekend he just had at home. You know, in those moments, some revenge helps.

 

Ahh..the draft! That is why it is a draft and I didn't send it. Phone call will be short and to the point. Maybe it'll get him thinking this weekend..about what..I don't know. Could be anything. Not my problem.

 

He texted me after he called to let me know he'll call me later--then he asked if everything was okay. I told him "yeah". He likely thinks I'm ready to go back to the everyday chit chat.

 

I am going to stick to my guns and let him know I can't part take in the situation. He can find another AP.

Edited August 2, 2013 by hippetyhop

[hippetyhop]

I spoke to him.

 

He said the ball is in my court;

He said he considered the physical aspect over after I sent the first email;

He said he'll always be my friend when I am ready and that we can't have any type of physical relationship even if his marriage doesn't work as we started on deceiving grounds; and

He'll always be there for me as a friend because I'm important to him in a non-physical way.

 

Maybe guys and girls can really be friends.

 

Call me crazy, but I believe him.

 

Although..I wonder who his next AP would be.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I spoke to him.

 

He said the ball is in my court;

He said he considered the physical aspect over after I sent the first email;

He said he'll always be my friend when I am ready and that we can't have any type of physical relationship even if his marriage doesn't work as we started on deceiving grounds; and

He'll always be there for me as a friend because I'm important to him in a non-physical way.

 

Maybe guys and girls can really be friends.

 

Call me crazy, but I believe him.

 

Although..I wonder who his next AP would be.

 

I'm glad he's being so good about this. It doesn't make you crazy if you believe him; after all, you know him better than anyone here possibly could. We merely know about him. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I encourage caution, of course, but I'm glad it went well. I can also see his stance on not wanting a relationship if his marriage falls through, given how you two started out. Of course, there are relationships that start that way that work out, but I do see the sense in his decision.

 

How are you doing with all of this? I'm glad you weren't holding your breath on it working between you two (beyond friendship) but I imagine you might be feeling some sadness.

 

If so, chin up. You'll be fine. If not, you've done well for yourself, and you should be proud that you've made the decision you have.

[Cocochai]

I spoke to him.

 

He said the ball is in my court;

He said he considered the physical aspect over after I sent the first email;

He said he'll always be my friend when I am ready and that we can't have any type of physical relationship even if his marriage doesn't work as we started on deceiving grounds; and

He'll always be there for me as a friend because I'm important to him in a non-physical way.

 

Maybe guys and girls can really be friends.

 

Call me crazy, but I believe him.

 

Although..I wonder who his next AP would be.

 

LOL I always wonder that too (Who the next AP will be), but the next person may not be as sane and understanding as you were. May not put up with a lot of the bread crumbs and lets be honest, trying to cheat and hide is exhausting after a point. I'm sure he'll cool down for a couple months but... I always read that the xMM is more comfortable with a person he's known and been with so have your alerts on if he contacts you out of the blue in the future after things have calmed down.

 

Remember he knows you do WANT someone in your life who deserves to treat you with respect and be your only... your xMM will also want to know if you did find that special someone in a couple months to see if he can get in your good grace again.

[MMY]

I spoke to him.

 

He said the ball is in my court;

He said he considered the physical aspect over after I sent the first email;

He said he'll always be my friend when I am ready and that we can't have any type of physical relationship even if his marriage doesn't work as we started on deceiving grounds; and

He'll always be there for me as a friend because I'm important to him in a non-physical way.

 

Maybe guys and girls can really be friends.

 

Call me crazy, but I believe him.

 

Although..I wonder who his next AP would be.

 

Proud of You, it is hard and will be but it does get better with time.

 

To answer your question, AP and I never thought we would end up together but we were a really good fit, she was fun, daring, adventurous and we fit together pretty good. We always said "She gets me and I get her" but I think that is something I am rediscovering with my W and no even if she ends up getting a D and I did to, I don't think we would end up together because of how our relationship began.

 

Now GO have fun, think back at the good times, how you have learned from it and SMILE!!

[fanine]

In the end you only know the real situation. I will not judge you at all for your actions. If this is the best way you feel to deal with the situation, then go for it. Good luck and I hope you find inner peace x

[bentleychic]

I want to know what the concert is! LOL Hope you have a blast!

[hippetyhop]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts

 

I typed a synopsis of what we talked about (I was getting ready to go out a bit shopping )

 

Just something isn't sitting right. I have a guy feeling, but I'm not sure what it is. I don't know if it is because we just ended it and he threw in the towel. This is a guy who allegedly loved me. This is a guy who shared everything with me. I'm not saying I wanted him to fight for me; however, I think he's relieved its over. I can't explain the feeling.

 

But--what would make him think I want to be friends just like that? Why would he think I would want to contact him? His behavior is so off for me. That is what throws me off the most. I had/have an emotional connection to this guy and he's able to cut out intimacy just like that? Is he that narcissistic that he thinks he can get it anywhere from anyone? He said he is bummed I am not talking to him right now.

 

Onto some of the posts--I'm definitely keeping my guard up. For some odd reason, I don't think this is over. However, I can be entirely wrong. He might be waiting for things to calm down at home (turned out to be like that with one of my other girlfriends who had an affair) and he returned. I'm not hoping for it as I'm moving on--but he was just too calm and chilled. So not like the normal "insert his name here" that I know.

 

I see the sense in his decision as well, but now that I really think about it-- I can't be friends with him either knowing what we had. Like I said, he said he couldn't as it was based on deceit. So maybe that is why it was so easy to throw it to the side.

 

If he does have another AP, I hope she will be as nice as me and doesn't

tell.

 

As for the concert--I'm excited. The Killers :D

 

I'm ready to get over him since I said my peace.

[bentleychic]

Have fun! I have become a huge lover of live music in the past two years, famous or local bands, I don't care! LOL I think I've seen between 40-50 bands in the past couple of years (some more than once and several were at an all day festival so not quite as many concerts in a short time frame as it may seem! LOL).

 

Music is the key to my soul.

[WakingUp]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts

 

I typed a synopsis of what we talked about (I was getting ready to go out a bit shopping )

 

Just something isn't sitting right. I have a guy feeling, but I'm not sure what it is. I don't know if it is because we just ended it and he threw in the towel. This is a guy who allegedly loved me. This is a guy who shared everything with me. I'm not saying I wanted him to fight for me; however, I think he's relieved its over. I can't explain the feeling.

 

But--what would make him think I want to be friends just like that? Why would he think I would want to contact him? His behavior is so off for me. That is what throws me off the most. I had/have an emotional connection to this guy and he's able to cut out intimacy just like that? Is he that narcissistic that he thinks he can get it anywhere from anyone? He said he is bummed I am not talking to him right now.

 

Onto some of the posts--I'm definitely keeping my guard up. For some odd reason, I don't think this is over. However, I can be entirely wrong. He might be waiting for things to calm down at home (turned out to be like that with one of my other girlfriends who had an affair) and he returned. I'm not hoping for it as I'm moving on--but he was just too calm and chilled. So not like the normal "insert his name here" that I know.

 

I see the sense in his decision as well, but now that I really think about it-- I can't be friends with him either knowing what we had. Like I said, he said he couldn't as it was based on deceit. So maybe that is why it was so easy to throw it to the side.

 

If he does have another AP, I hope she will be as nice as me and doesn't

tell.

 

As for the concert--I'm excited. The Killers :D

 

I'm ready to get over him since I said my peace.

 

Your radar is quite correct. It isn't over.

 

He knows he will be able to get you back. I can read in your posts that he will be able to.

 

No such thing as "friends down the track".

 

It is only over when you say so. And I don't think you are ready.

 

OK, I know I will be shot down in flames again. But I have been there, done this.

 

Just warning you....

 

(However, I hope for your sake it really is over)

[2sunny]

Quit think so much of how HE feels - and begin to move forward and THINK of what YOU DESERVE!

 

He was calm? He's probably got other OW! He's probably reeling them in right now!

 

This kind of cheater usually has many - and a good reason why his WIFE should know clearly what he's doing!

[hippetyhop]

Your radar is quite correct. It isn't over.

 

He knows he will be able to get you back. I can read in your posts that he will be able to.

 

No such thing as "friends down the track".

 

It is only over when you say so. And I don't think you are ready.

 

OK, I know I will be shot down in flames again. But I have been there, done this.

 

Just warning you....

 

(However, I hope for your sake it really is over)

 

No shooting you down in flames, and I appreciate your heads up

 

Am I ready to be over? No, I am not. I will be the first to admit that. However, I need for it to be over. BUT, I will NOT contact him first. Not whatsoever. Why should I? What do I have to say to him? Absolutely nothing. It has been close to 2 months now since he went LC and about 3 weeks since I ended it. I'm used to him not talking to me. Why would I want to start this up again? He was the one contacting me when I said I was through. Someone else can stroke his ego. It hurts knowing that likely there will be someone else to take my place. I'm not saying as an AP, but even a potential future Mrs. But, he was never mine to begin with.

 

I still can't wrap around why he thinks I can still remain friends with him after I told him it'll hinder me from moving on--he said he didn't understand my position. I'm thinking he's one of those guys who just don't get it. I can't be friends with an ex I still have an emotional and physical connection with. Obviously, it is not the same for everyone.

 

The only way he is able to get me back is if he can provide a commitment; something we know he can't. Don't forget he can't because he "deceived" me. If anything, I'm not one to judge him. Can't say about the others he may eventually likely get involved with.

[hippetyhop]

Quit think so much of how HE feels - and begin to move forward and THINK of what YOU DESERVE!

 

He was calm? He's probably got other OW! He's probably reeling them in right now!

 

This kind of cheater usually has many - and a good reason why his WIFE should know clearly what he's doing!

 

I think about myself and what I deserve..then I wonder if I will find anyone who was so attentive and caring as him. Then I think it how fake he was. I was nothing but a Marionette.

 

He was calm--but another OW? I'm not sure just yet. He is still on probation with a work permit at home. May be a tad too soon.

 

I'm thinking right now he was calm for one of two reasons: 1) give me my space so I can crawl to him in the future; or 2) he was happy to throw in the towel so he can still play nice at home.

 

What pops out about him that you think his type of cheating is different than others? I'm not being defensive--but from what I describe of him, what, if anything, can you sense.

[2sunny]

What do I sense? I sense that he's an azzhat that doesn't deserve any woman's attention!

 

And I see YOU are STILL focused on HIM!

 

That says a lot about you. I hope you'll get some professional help so that you choose better next time - or it's likely to be the same again.

 

When you've said it's done - allow it to be OVER now.

[hippetyhop]

What do I sense? I sense that he's an azzhat that doesn't deserve any woman's attention!

 

And I see YOU are STILL focused on HIM!

 

That says a lot about you. I hope you'll get some professional help so that you choose better next time - or it's likely to be the same again.

 

When you've said it's done - allow it to be OVER now.

 

So I made a mistake of getting involved with a MM that we started off as friends and now I'm up for repeat behavior? I learned my lesson this one time.

 

How can I (and other OW/OM/BS) can NOT still focus on whom they ended it with right after the fact? My apologies for still have feelings for him, although I am not acting on those feelings.

[fanine]

What do I sense? I sense that he's an azzhat that doesn't deserve any woman's attention!

 

And I see YOU are STILL focused on HIM!

 

That says a lot about you. I hope you'll get some professional help so that you choose better next time - or it's likely to be the same again.

 

When you've said it's done - allow it to be OVER now.

 

I think that does sound rather harsh. She is doing the best she can. Anyone in this situation will find it difficult. Hippetyhop certainly doesn't sound like some of the OW here who have less of a conscious. For some total NC doesn't work. It actually makes it harder to move on. Only she can judge what she feels is,the best way to move on. If you have been in this situation then you would understand.

 

I never thought I would be involved with a MM but it happened - in my case he lied he was a MM. Before this I had a very different opinion about women who dated MM. I had a very different idea what it involved and certainly I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is an emotional roller coaster - far more stressful to me than my divorce a few years ago. Before this I would've thought its easy to get out of,a relationship like this but it isn't. The fact is if both sides say they love it each it is not like the relationship has broken down, which is the usual reason for a break up. So it does hurt even more, for me anyway....just my thoughts anyway and I want hippetyhop to stay strong.