I'm hoping this is it

[MMY]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts

 

I typed a synopsis of what we talked about (I was getting ready to go out a bit shopping )

 

Just something isn't sitting right. I have a guy feeling, but I'm not sure what it is. I don't know if it is because we just ended it and he threw in the towel. This is a guy who allegedly loved me. This is a guy who shared everything with me. I'm not saying I wanted him to fight for me; however, I think he's relieved its over. I can't explain the feeling.

 

But--what would make him think I want to be friends just like that? Why would he think I would want to contact him? His behavior is so off for me. That is what throws me off the most. I had/have an emotional connection to this guy and he's able to cut out intimacy just like that? Is he that narcissistic that he thinks he can get it anywhere from anyone? He said he is bummed I am not talking to him right now.

 

Onto some of the posts--I'm definitely keeping my guard up. For some odd reason, I don't think this is over. However, I can be entirely wrong. He might be waiting for things to calm down at home (turned out to be like that with one of my other girlfriends who had an affair) and he returned. I'm not hoping for it as I'm moving on--but he was just too calm and chilled. So not like the normal "insert his name here" that I know.

 

I see the sense in his decision as well, but now that I really think about it-- I can't be friends with him either knowing what we had. Like I said, he said he couldn't as it was based on deceit. So maybe that is why it was so easy to throw it to the side.

 

If he does have another AP, I hope she will be as nice as me and doesn't

tell.

 

As for the concert--I'm excited. The Killers :D

 

I'm ready to get over him since I said my peace.

 

I can only speak on my behalf as a M. Some of us do car about the AP which I did. But there was a point I was in too deep and wanted to slow down because I was confused but I didn't have the Balls to pull the trigger on the A. I don't like being the bad guy. I have been that way all my life. I do think that guys (if they want out) will jump at the chance of not being the bad guy.

 

As I dated in my younger years I always threw the blame on the girl I was dating and I know that is wrong. But the truth.

 

He might have done the same thing, He is M, confused, wrong, (both of you are wrong) .... two to tango. and this was is clean break. I think he said he couldn't be friends, to me is says he is looking for that clean break.

 

We all are guilty of the coulda's woulda's shoulda's after the A and that will be the part where time will help you move on.

 

Stay strong.

[hippetyhop]

I think that does sound rather harsh. She is doing the best she can. Anyone in this situation will find it difficult. Hippetyhop certainly doesn't sound like some of the OW here who have less of a conscious. For some total NC doesn't work. It actually makes it harder to move on. Only she can judge what she feels is,the best way to move on. If you have been in this situation then you would understand.

 

I never thought I would be involved with a MM but it happened - in my case he lied he was a MM. Before this I had a very different opinion about women who dated MM. I had a very different idea what it involved and certainly I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is an emotional roller coaster - far more stressful to me than my divorce a few years ago. Before this I would've thought its easy to get out of,a relationship like this but it isn't. The fact is if both sides say they love it each it is not like the relationship has broken down, which is the usual reason for a break up. So it does hurt even more, for me anyway....just my thoughts anyway and I want hippetyhop to stay strong.

 

Thank you for your support. I am staying strong. I just feel like I'm sitting front cart of that emotional rollercoaster right now.

 

For some reason, I'm not sure why this is harder than a normal break up. The feelings that we had? I just don't know. I can't pin point it. I just can't up and not care about him. However, I can't continue the emotional aspect of the friendship either. However, it is better than NC knowing that we are on good terms.

[2sunny]

So I made a mistake of getting involved with a MM that we started off as friends and now I'm up for repeat behavior? I learned my lesson this one time.

 

How can I (and other OW/OM/BS) can NOT still focus on whom they ended it with right after the fact? My apologies for still have feelings for him, although I am not acting on those feelings.

 

This is more balanced = and refers to YOUR feelings/actions.

[hippetyhop]

I can only speak on my behalf as a M. Some of us do car about the AP which I did. But there was a point I was in too deep and wanted to slow down because I was confused but I didn't have the Balls to pull the trigger on the A. I don't like being the bad guy. I have been that way all my life. I do think that guys (if they want out) will jump at the chance of not being the bad guy.

 

As I dated in my younger years I always threw the blame on the girl I was dating and I know that is wrong. But the truth.

 

He might have done the same thing, He is M, confused, wrong, (both of you are wrong) .... two to tango. and this was is clean break. I think he said he couldn't be friends, to me is says he is looking for that clean break.

 

We all are guilty of the coulda's woulda's shoulda's after the A and that will be the part where time will help you move on.

 

Stay strong.

 

Thank you And I take responsibility for the A as well. It does take two to tango.

 

He didn't say he couldn't be friends-he wants to be friends. He wants us to continue the communication that we've had (talking everyday and texting). Like I said--something just isn't sitting right with it. I know his W is supposed to go out of state for a function at the end of October and he has free reign of their compound. Makes me wonder if he's playing nice now so I'll reconsider. Like I said--not holding my breath on anything.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't care about me, because I know he does. And I care about him. The level of care is beyond the friendship. I can't justify being friends with someone right off the bat of ending an A or a R in general.

 

I think his stance is a lot like yours...didn't want to pull the trigger on the A. He said he didn't know what would happen since his wife got the heads up (turns out wasn't about me--something else, probably just as bad as an A).

 

Yesterday, I told him that he can't focus on working on his marriage with me in the picture. I told him that isn't possible. He still wants to just be friends and keep talking to me--although its unrealistic to have anything physical anymore as he allegedly cut it out after the first email was sent? I just don't get it. Unless he doesn't want to divulge his M with me, but he said nothing of him trying to work it out.

Edited August 3, 2013 by hippetyhop

[fanine]

Thank you for your support. I am staying strong. I just feel like I'm sitting front cart of that emotional rollercoaster right now.

 

For some reason, I'm not sure why this is harder than a normal break up. The feelings that we had? I just don't know. I can't pin point it. I just can't up and not care about him. However, I can't continue the emotional aspect of the friendship either. However, it is better than NC knowing that we are on good terms.

 

I think this is harder than a normal breakup because usually in a normal breakup one or both people have fallen out of love. In this case and in mine and any others both parties do likely love each other but it is the situation that is impossible to bear - for both sides in very different ways....it is not a falling out of love that is breaking up the relationship...

[2sunny]

He wants what he wants.

 

What about what you want?

[hippetyhop]

I think this is harder than a normal breakup because usually in a normal breakup one or both people have fallen out of love. In this case and in mine and any others both parties do likely love each other but it is the situation that is impossible to bear - for both sides in very different ways....it is not a falling out of love that is breaking up the relationship...

 

That is so very true. I can relate to that. I think between the two of us, our feelings are still there and strong. However, we both want different things. What can I do though? I can't stay in my situation and be the other woman and keep stroking his ego and go home to his little family.

[hippetyhop]

He wants what he wants.

 

What about what you want?

 

Good point, and it is a lot to bear right now.

 

He is getting what he wants--ultimately out of the A when things are rocky at home. I'm not getting what I want, what I ultimately would like. Got to grit my teeth and move on.

[2sunny]

Here's the thing - hope only comes with CHANGE - and that change comes from YOU.

 

So when YOU decide and implement change - it brings hope.

 

YOU must be the one to change things.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Though I am not involved with a MM (or someone in a legit relationship) I can honestly say my affair had a lot more emotional ups and downs involved, than my legitimate one (I'm the WS).

 

I've honestly cried more, and harder for AP, than I have for my H during the times my H (my fiancé at the time) and I broke up. Devastating at those break ups were, they don't hold a flame for the agony I have felt for AP.

 

I absolutely hate the pain, and the conflict that comes with it. The heart wants what it wants, but getting there is the worst ride, ever.

 

My case is different from yours, but I imagine our emotional responses may reflect one another. Or perhaps I'm thinking too much into this, as I am still in a vulnerable state.

 

I wish you the best with it all; I hope you find a solution. If you do, perhaps there is hope for others, as well.

[hippetyhop]

Though I am not involved with a MM (or someone in a legit relationship) I can honestly say my affair had a lot more emotional ups and downs involved, than my legitimate one (I'm the WS).

 

I've honestly cried more, and harder for AP, than I have for my H during the times my H (my fiancé at the time) and I broke up. Devastating at those break ups were, they don't hold a flame for the agony I have felt for AP.

 

I absolutely hate the pain, and the conflict that comes with it. The heart wants what it wants, but getting there is the worst ride, ever.

 

My case is different from yours, but I imagine our emotional responses may reflect one another. Or perhaps I'm thinking too much into this, as I am still in a vulnerable state.

 

I wish you the best with it all; I hope you find a solution. If you do, perhaps there is hope for others, as well.

 

Thank you for your input.

 

No, I agree--our emotion states likely mirror one another. We both are emotional over someone we loss because we can't be with them.

 

How are you doing? When was the last time you spoke with your AP? How do you feel for your AP than your H? Were the two of you more in tune and connect differently? Do you feel a legitimate R between the two of you could work.

 

**hugs**

[JustAReformedGirl]

Thank you for your input.

 

No, I agree--our emotion states likely mirror one another. We both are emotional over someone we loss because we can't be with them.

 

How are you doing? When was the last time you spoke with your AP? How do you feel for your AP than your H? Were the two of you more in tune and connect differently? Do you feel a legitimate R between the two of you could work.

 

**hugs**

 

I won't lie. I've been better. I literally just smelled (or imagined I smelled) a scent similar to his. Right in the middle of getting lunch for my daughter, and it resulted in a break down. I actually saw my AP this passed Tuesday. I was on a two week vacation (my H is military, so when he gets leave, we always return to our "home town"). We didn't do anything (we decided to end the affair a couple of months ago, deciding that I need to deal with exiting my marriage, before pursuing a legitimate relationship).

 

Despite not continuing any of the PA, I'd say we're still borderline EA. We don't speak inappropriately anymore (no sexting) but we do both still care for one another deeply.

 

My feelings for AP are strong. We've been through a lot of ups and downs, times of LC and NC (nothing we actively planned; we just did it, based on what was going on in our lives, I suppose). I still love my H, but not the way I should. It's not a couple's love, anymore. I think I tried to hold on to our relationship passed it's expiration date. I wanted to make the effort, I believed we could work...if I knew then what I know now, I would have let go, sooner.

 

I really, really hate hindsight. Yes, AP and I wish to pursue a legit relationship, once I take care of things on my end, and he achieves some stability on his (right now, he's looking at the possibility of losing his current apartment. Once things are more solid there, he and I will talk more about what we want, and what timeline we wish to meet it by).

 

I really, truly want it to work. But, I have to run the obstacle course, first, which also involves having some single time, after my inevitable divorce.

 

All I have is hope; without it, the depression wins.

 

My only advice; hold on to any hope you have. No matter how dim that light may be, it will get you through your hardest times. Thank you for your support, likewise. If you ever need anything, and if you can, PM me, and I can lend you a virtual ear. Stay strong.

[spiderowl]

I spoke to him.

 

He said he'll always be my friend when I am ready and that we can't have any type of physical relationship even if his marriage doesn't work as we started on deceiving grounds

 

Is it just me that is interpreting this to mean, 'we could never have had a proper relationship, even if my marriage failed, because we started out on the wrong basis anyway?' - namely cheating. He says 'physical' relationship, but he was obviously able to have a physical relationship before, so what is he talking about here? It sounds pretty final to me, or at least as if he's managing expectations of it being anything other than a casual relationship, but maybe I'm not that familiar with the ways of cheating married guys.

[hippetyhop]

I won't lie. I've been better. I literally just smelled (or imagined I smelled) a scent similar to his. Right in the middle of getting lunch for my daughter, and it resulted in a break down. I actually saw my AP this passed Tuesday. I was on a two week vacation (my H is military, so when he gets leave, we always return to our "home town"). We didn't do anything (we decided to end the affair a couple of months ago, deciding that I need to deal with exiting my marriage, before pursuing a legitimate relationship).

 

Despite not continuing any of the PA, I'd say we're still borderline EA. We don't speak inappropriately anymore (no sexting) but we do both still care for one another deeply.

 

My feelings for AP are strong. We've been through a lot of ups and downs, times of LC and NC (nothing we actively planned; we just did it, based on what was going on in our lives, I suppose). I still love my H, but not the way I should. It's not a couple's love, anymore. I think I tried to hold on to our relationship passed it's expiration date. I wanted to make the effort, I believed we could work...if I knew then what I know now, I would have let go, sooner.

 

I really, really hate hindsight. Yes, AP and I wish to pursue a legit relationship, once I take care of things on my end, and he achieves some stability on his (right now, he's looking at the possibility of losing his current apartment. Once things are more solid there, he and I will talk more about what we want, and what timeline we wish to meet it by).

 

I really, truly want it to work. But, I have to run the obstacle course, first, which also involves having some single time, after my inevitable divorce.

 

All I have is hope; without it, the depression wins.

 

My only advice; hold on to any hope you have. No matter how dim that light may be, it will get you through your hardest times. Thank you for your support, likewise. If you ever need anything, and if you can, PM me, and I can lend you a virtual ear. Stay strong.

 

Thank you for sharing and I hope your days get easier.

 

I'm glad you see you need some single time after your divorce. Have you filed, or are you in the process of?

 

I'm not sure of how often you saw your AP before the two of you put your A on a halt just like that, but were you able to cut the physical portion out just like that? Would you be able to keep your A just an emotional friendship, or would you find that be hard?

 

What is your ultimate deadline to be with AP? If it doesn't reach-- are you two through just like that?

 

PM function--I don't think I have that capability, if not, I'd pick your brain.

 

What hope should I be holding onto?

[JustAReformedGirl]

Thank you for sharing and I hope your days get easier.

 

That makes both of us.

 

I'm glad you see you need some single time after your divorce. Have you filed,

or are you in the process of?

 

I'd say in the process of, but we haven't picked up the paperwork yet. I just came clean about the affair to H yesterday, and he seems to be in a state of denial, so far.

 

I'm not sure of how often you saw your AP before the two of you put your A on a

halt just like that, but were you able to cut the physical portion out just like

that? Would you be able to keep your A just an emotional friendship, or would

you find that be hard?

 

The affair had been going on for nearly a year, though most of it was sexting, as it was long distance. It was PA whenever I could visit him, which occurred in July, August, and December of last year, and March of this year. Before I came clean about the affair, H knew everything else about my feelings for AP. I imagine if we lived closer to one another, it would be a lot harder for me to stand my ground. I'd like to say I'm a stronger person than that, but when it comes to him, I'm not. Right now, we maintain a friendship.

 

What is your ultimate deadline to be with AP? If it doesn't reach-- are you two

through just like that?

 

There doesn't seem to be an official deadline. I kind of wish there was, so I wouldn't feel as anxious-or so any anxiety I feel on the matter would at least be justified. As of right now, he's got other things going on that take precedence, so we haven't talked much about when. Just that we both want it to happen.

 

PM function--I don't think I have that capability, if not, I'd pick your brain.

 

Darn. You should have the ability sometime next month. I just got my PM function a few days ago, and I joined late June.

 

What hope should I be holding onto?

 

That no matter what trials you face, you will become stronger for it, and that when it's all said and done, you will be happy again.

[Red Wolverine]

So I made a mistake of getting involved with a MM that we started off as friends and now I'm up for repeat behavior? I learned my lesson this one time.

 

How can I (and other OW/OM/BS) can NOT still focus on whom they ended it with right after the fact? My apologies for still have feelings for him, although I am not acting on those feelings.

 

I understand how you feel but you are acting on it by having any contact with him. If you truly want a relationship with him outside of the affair, future contact will ensure it never happens.

 

Him saying he wants a friendship is not the same thing as him saying he loves you, can't live without you, and will end his marriage.

 

It's the same old story... OWs analyze everything said and done or not done. Worry about him finding another OW, etc. Reality is he's married and will stay married, regardless of how much this hurts you. That's not love.

 

It's hard to let him go because ultimately you know he will let you go versus having a relationship on your terms, which means no more affair.

 

I think about my xMM every day in some capacity. I loved him and I know he loved me. It doesn't matter because he's married. There is no workaround for that reality.

 

Let him go.

[hippetyhop]

I understand how you feel but you are acting on it by having any contact with him. If you truly want a relationship with him outside of the affair, future contact will ensure it never happens.

 

Him saying he wants a friendship is not the same thing as him saying he loves you, can't live without you, and will end his marriage.

 

It's the same old story... OWs analyze everything said and done or not done. Worry about him finding another OW, etc. Reality is he's married and will stay married, regardless of how much this hurts you. That's not love.

 

It's hard to let him go because ultimately you know he will let you go versus having a relationship on your terms, which means no more affair.

 

I think about my xMM every day in some capacity. I loved him and I know he loved me. It doesn't matter because he's married. There is no workaround for that reality.

 

Let him go.

 

I'm not banking on him leaving her, or if they ever do split, anytime soon. I know him saying he wants a friendship isn't any of that, but, in the situation we are in, it can't be.

 

If anything, future contact with him, especially right now, is not good for either of us. I have no intentions of taking him up on his offer. Does it suck, definitely. However, its the best situation for both. I need to let go and not have contact in order for me to move on. I don't know why he doesn't understand that and is pushing friendship.

 

Him letting me go? I'm the one not responding to him or initiating the friendship--so isn't it me letting him go? He is the one who contacted me after I told him about NC. He is the one who wants an alleged friendship and that is what is most important to him. He isn't getting that and I think he figured it out.

Edited August 4, 2013 by hippetyhop

[hippetyhop]

That makes both of us.

 

 

 

I'd say in the process of, but we haven't picked up the paperwork yet. I just came clean about the affair to H yesterday, and he seems to be in a state of denial, so far.

 

The affair had been going on for nearly a year, though most of it was sexting, as it was long distance. It was PA whenever I could visit him, which occurred in July, August, and December of last year, and March of this year. Before I came clean about the affair, H knew everything else about my feelings for AP. I imagine if we lived closer to one another, it would be a lot harder for me to stand my ground. I'd like to say I'm a stronger person than that, but when it comes to him, I'm not. Right now, we maintain a friendship.

 

 

 

There doesn't seem to be an official deadline. I kind of wish there was, so I wouldn't feel as anxious-or so any anxiety I feel on the matter would at least be justified. As of right now, he's got other things going on that take precedence, so we haven't talked much about when. Just that we both want it to happen.

 

 

 

Darn. You should have the ability sometime next month. I just got my PM function a few days ago, and I joined late June.

 

 

 

That no matter what trials you face, you will become stronger for it, and that when it's all said and done, you will be happy again.

 

Are you and your H still residing in the same home? I wish you the best with the D. I can't imagine how painful that is, and I hope it all works out for you afterwards.

 

I'm glad that you and your AP are both on the same page regarding attempting to make the R happen.

 

Once my PM became activated, I will shoot you a message

[JustAReformedGirl]

Are you and your H still residing in the same home? I wish you the best with the D. I can't imagine how painful that is, and I hope it all works out for you afterwards.

 

I'm glad that you and your AP are both on the same page regarding attempting to make the R happen.

 

Once my PM became activated, I will shoot you a message

 

Yes, we're still living together. I imagine, once the shock (or whatever this is) wears off, we'll begin talking about living arrangements, and taking care of the paperwork. Right now, we seem to be in a state of limbo.

 

It's definitely one hell of a rollercoaster, but I think we'll be okay. Well, as okay as we can be.

 

And thank you. I wish you the best in your endeavour, as well. As soon as you have the ability to PM, let me know how things are going on your end.