What is he looking for? Am I getting used?

[CalGal]

First, thank you for reading this!! I am sure you can help me.

 

I moved to a new area and started grad school. Four months before moving here, I met a fellow grad student. We kept in touch-- he even sent me hand written letters every week. Then I came to school. We went out a few times. I even got to meet his family. And yes, we did “mess around.” At the beginning he was an above-and-beyond gentleman, which was a sign that he was too good to be true.

 

During all of this, he referred to me as his friend and later told me that he could not have a “girlfriend” until the end of the semester and recruiting season. (We go to a top 5 school and life is challenging without considering personal issues.) Still, when he said this, I knew he was not into me and thus I needed to back away from this misguided “friendship.” However, he kept treating me better than a friend and one night I did get really drunk and we ended up having sex. Since then, it has been a mess. And I have no idea what is going on.

 

Is he just looking for a physical thing? He has called past 3 in the morning a couple times. Once he called in the middle of the afternoon asking if we should get together and make each other tired before taking a nap. Lastly, he told me that he had another friend from home (a girl). She has come to visit and stay over at his place.

 

I have turned him down on his offers. His response—he keeps calling (and expecting things) or says things from "That is good" to “You cannot redraw a line that you drew once.” I am not going to fold into such outrageous behavior and comments. However, I am still spending time with him and now he is being so nice and polite again. I even spent the night, after telling him that nothing could happen. He respected that.

 

Still, is this going nowhere? If so, how do I get out?

 

Sometimes I think that I have a tendency to get into relationships that are emotionally damaging. I figure this out, but I stay in them. Why? I have no clue. Here, I think I do like him and I do obsess over things related to him. I have tried to be honest with him, but that is not working too well. I have been able to tell him that I cannot sleep with him because 1) that is not me and 2) I would start caring about him, and I cannot start caring about him. I also did tell him once that I did not expect anything from him. But deep down I know that I do.

 

So, what is going on? What should I do? Should I have a heart-to-heart with him? Or does he not even care?

 

Thanks again for your help!! I really do need it.

[SoleMate]

He is trying to use you, and you are giving him a lot of help. You have some erroneous assumptions that I would like to correct:

 

At the beginning he was an above-and-beyond gentleman, which was a sign that he was too good to be true.

No. He could just be a genuine gentleman. They do exist.

 

I knew he was not into me and thus I needed to back away from this misguided “friendship.”...he kept treating me better than a friend and one night I did get really drunk and we ended up having sex.

The way he treats you should be looked at in toto to determine whether you re wise to be involved with him. You disregarded your own strong conviction that this was a bad connection for you.

 

he referred to me as his friend and later told me that he could not have a “girlfriend” until the end of the semester

If you were really important to him, trust me, he could make time for you somehow.

 

Still, is this going nowhere?

It's headed toward being another damaging relationship for you.

 

If so, how do I get out?

It's oh so easy. Tell him, "It's over" - ONCE only - no discussion - then block his calls and email. If he sees you, don't speak to him, and don't respond if he speaks to you. Rebuff any contact from him. It will be easier when you think about how he has treated you as a convenience for his pleasure. Maybe get a book on "Learning To Say No". Or perhaps I should give classes - to me, this comes so easily. If someone doesn't treat me right, they don't get my time or attention - period.

 

Sheesh, it burns me when I hear people (women) say, "I want to break up our gf/bf thing, but HE won't let me." WTF??? It's a one sided decision - it does not require bilateral agreement. Trust me, that's the way HE views it.

[Nocturnalkitee]

Originally posted by SoleMate

He is trying to use you, and you are giving him a lot of help.

 

 

Reiterating something SoleMate said, you are helping this guy to disrespect you.

 

 

 

"During all of this, he referred to me as his friend and later told me that he could not have a “girlfriend” until the end of the semester and recruiting season."

 

What is going to happen between now and next semester? If anything I would take this as a warning sign that he already has other plans looking for someone else. Maybe that's why he is waiting to the end of the recruiting season.

 

He's trying to use you, move on!

[9Lives]

Originally posted by CalGal

First, thank you for reading this!! I am sure you can help me.

 

I moved to a new area and started grad school. Four months before moving here, I met a fellow grad student. We kept in touch-- he even sent me hand written letters every week. Then I came to school. We went out a few times. I even got to meet his family. And yes, we did “mess around.” At the beginning he was an above-and-beyond gentleman, which was a sign that he was too good to be true.

 

During all of this, he referred to me as his friend and later told me that he could not have a “girlfriend” until the end of the semester and recruiting season. (We go to a top 5 school and life is challenging without considering personal issues.) Still, when he said this, I knew he was not into me and thus I needed to back away from this misguided “friendship.” However, he kept treating me better than a friend and one night I did get really drunk and we ended up having sex. Since then, it has been a mess. And I have no idea what is going on.

 

Is he just looking for a physical thing? He has called past 3 in the morning a couple times. Once he called in the middle of the afternoon asking if we should get together and make each other tired before taking a nap. Lastly, he told me that he had another friend from home (a girl). She has come to visit and stay over at his place.

 

I have turned him down on his offers. His response—he keeps calling (and expecting things) or says things from "That is good" to “You cannot redraw a line that you drew once.” I am not going to fold into such outrageous behavior and comments. However, I am still spending time with him and now he is being so nice and polite again. I even spent the night, after telling him that nothing could happen. He respected that.

 

Still, is this going nowhere? If so, how do I get out?

 

Sometimes I think that I have a tendency to get into relationships that are emotionally damaging. I figure this out, but I stay in them. Why? I have no clue. Here, I think I do like him and I do obsess over things related to him. I have tried to be honest with him, but that is not working too well. I have been able to tell him that I cannot sleep with him because 1) that is not me and 2) I would start caring about him, and I cannot start caring about him. I also did tell him once that I did not expect anything from him. But deep down I know that I do.

 

So, what is going on? What should I do? Should I have a heart-to-heart with him? Or does he not even care?

 

Thanks again for your help!! I really do need it.

 

Girlfriend, you are on your way the a serious ride on the rollercoaster of bulls...t. He is putting you in your place in his life which seems to be...."not that important". Important enough however to sleep with. But not important enough to become part of the team if you know what I mean.

 

He is a loser..Dump Him and DONT LOOK BACK!

 

You have bright future you are working on and he does not fit in the picture of happiness. He is has issues and you are going to pay for them if you dont learn how to be treated with respect....walk away. Lick your wounds and get yourself ready for a real man. Not this jerk. He is mean

[Nosmas]

First, jvjrose:

 

The original post is there for all to read. No need to repeat the whole thing in your post.

 

Second, Calgal:

 

At the beginning he was an above-and-beyond gentleman, which was a sign that he was too good to be true.

 

A little broad statement? I suppose any guy who treats you well from now on must be scum?

 

Finally:

 

Still, is this going nowhere? If so, how do I get out?

 

Yes, it is going nowhere.

We only learn from our mistakes.

Tell this one to take a hike.