wife troubles...

[Mr. Lucky]

Good for you. If nothing else, you'll get a sense of how serious she is about working on your marriage. What the success stories I've seen here have in common is a genuinely remorseful WS willing to transparently take the steps needed to regain trust.

 

It might be the hardest thing the two of you ever do. And you'll have to accept that her decision to repair - just as her decision to cheat - is out of your hands.

 

Hang in there and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

yes, clearly besides that.

 

I decided not to wait for counseling - the gauntlet has been thrown down. You have to get a new job to for me to stay in this marriage. We'll talk about it when we get home tonight.

 

That's a start! With every action there is likely a reaction.

 

What did she respond with?

 

Is she intending to quit today?

[Yasuandio]

yes, clearly besides that.

 

I decided not to wait for counseling - the gauntlet has been thrown down. You have to get a new job to for me to stay in this marriage. We'll talk about it when we get home tonight.

 

Done and done. I don't blame you at all. That thing Mr. Lucky said about "besides the 8 hours a day, 5 days a week," really got me. I wouldn't tolerate her crap for a second - either. Especially, once I saw the it put to me nice and straight like Mr. Lucky's post.

 

You cannot back down now, or you'll lose all credibility. You guys will make it. People lose their jobs all the time. Someone suggested she could take a Leave of Absence - which would be a smart idea, while beginning the job search.

 

That's the brakes when you screw around. It causes harm to all dimensions of your life, past (you'll always wonder what the complete truth really was), present (hard times, missing paycheck, the obvious re-building of the marriage, the withdrawal from the affair partner) and on into the future, if there indeed will be a future.

 

I do admire you taking a stand, that took guts. I know you were conflicted, and in a lot of pain. However, this is your first step out of limbo - no matter which way it goes. Don't be surprised if it takes some time for her to come to her senses, or even not bother. Look over the Homer material - and get that positive attitude going now. That is what you need to project, until it becomes your reality - despite which way the wind ends up blowing. You can find the link to Homer in the link below. Bravo, man. Yas

Edited August 5, 2013 by Yasuandio

[dingo]

well - it looks like another marriage headed for the trash bin. She asked for some time to think and after about 30 mins, came back and said she wants a divorce, that she had probably know this for a while and the combination of my ultimatum and reading Women's Infidelity had pushed her to make a decision.

 

Obviously I am floored because you always want to believe the best out of people that you have lived for so long with and I always felt that she would come around. I guess now I don't really have a choice but to accept it and try to move on. I felt myself drawn to fight for it and try to reason with her but i ended up just saying ok and walking away. Called some friends and opened up to them (until now, I have kept the affair secret from a lot of my friends because I was embarrassed) and set up an appointment with a lawyer.

 

She then tried to get me into a conversation about how we were going to split stuff up and living arrangements but after a few minutes, i didnt have the interest in it and just went upstairs. She left for yoga and asked me if i wanted to watch a movie with her when she got back, to which I answered: i dont know.

[Jstub]

WTF? I want to divorce you, to how are we going to split assets to let's watch a movie together? man... your wife is all over the place.

 

Stand your ground. She is playing games. It may hurt you now - but this is good. You are seeing the true colors by putting her on the spot.

 

Bravo for calling a lawyer. Face the music.

 

She will probably change her mind, play "push-pull" games with you, but do not give in.

 

It all comes down to remorse... you know this. She is not remorseful and she has been just weighing in her options. Probably a lot is going on with OM and she has some serious investments there. She has been trying to put you on stand by while she sees how it goes with OM.

 

Let me give you an example for you to understand that this is very common behavior. When my stbxw cheated on me, she was acting like she made a mistake, and telling me how she wants to work things out with me and spend time as a family. We would go on a family trip and she would take pictures and post it on her FB with comments like oh my lovely husband and I bla bla. Then she would message her OM saying, oh please do not pay attention to the pictures, I am just trying to make him feel better that way he will not go crazy.... The details of this example do not really matter, it's just the manipulation involved. The extent people go to keep you on stand by to weigh in their options. Disgusting.

 

Keep that in mind, while moving forward.

 

Again, you seem like a very bright guy, think with your head, and you will be okay.

[dingo]

Im trying really friggin hard to think with my head and to not be afraid but there is a lot of weakness right now...

 

How do I handle our normal routine? Act like shes not there? Sleep in the guest room? ask her to sleep in the guest room? carry on as if we are nothing more than roomates? drive to work together (which we normally do)? ugh...

 

That type of manipulation is truly terrible. In my situation though, i am becoming more and more convinced that the problem may not be the OM anymore but may just be that she's checked out of our marriage. Does it matter though? if theres no remorse, there's no reconciliation - regardless of the reason.

 

We also canceled our counseling sessions. She wanted to go to discuss divorce, i told her i was only interested if reconciliation was still on the table, which meant she had to quit her job. So no sessions this week.

[Jstub]

Ok - i can give you very good advice here. I lived with my stbxw under the same roof in a separated status for a long time. IT WAS HORRIBLE MAN.

 

You cannot start healing, until you have your own roof! You cannot live like room mates, that's bull crap.

 

You gotta move out.

 

The day I opened the door to my studio apartment, a HUGE HUGEEEE weight was removed from my chest. Mind you, I was used to living in a much larger house than that and I am the one that makes the money. BUTTT even with that downgrade I was SO HAPPY and it helped so much...

Edited August 5, 2013 by Jstub

[dingo]

Im not moving out. I am keeping the house. She can't afford it on her salary. I will ask her to move out. So we're at a no contact phase between her and i?

 

let the games begin. Calls me on the way back from yoga to see if i wanted her to pick me up something to eat. She would bitch and moan all the time if i ever asked her to do this before.......

 

I also want to say how fantastic everyone in this community is. As I read through some of the other posts it dawned on me that you guys have to type the same advice over and over to each OP to make the info seem personalized when really almost every one of these situations is 90% the same. You do a great service to those of us that are struggling. When I get through this, you have inspired me to come back and pass along my experiences to new folks.

[2sunny]

Chin up! At least NOW you know and can take steps to move forward.

 

She cheated - she either sleeps in the guest room or moves out!

 

And a movie? NO WAY!

 

She wants to "play nice" while intending to blow up your life? I'd say NO to everything she offers.

 

Since SHE decided she's not willing to R - SHE should start feeling some consequences!

 

And tell her to find her own ride to work!

[Jstub]

Great. That is the same effect. You simply can't live under the same roof that's all.

 

Please keep in mind, when reality hits her, she may do a 180 and say she wants you back. Be very very verrrrryyyy careful with this. You want the pain to stop and things to go back to normal, but in a situation like this, she only wants you back for the wrong reasons, and you will end up in the same place 6 months to a year from now and suffer all over again. I speak from experience and I have read many posts that speak to this exact same thing.

 

Never say never, things may change in the future, but for now, you know your truth.

 

LS is indeed a very good community. Me, among many others, have received great advice and I try my best to give back to the community that helped me. I am sure, once you come out of this, you will gain wisdom and will help others.

 

Keep strong!

[Yasuandio]

You could also tell her to get the f out of there right now. Having her there like Jstb said is going to make u get weak and hurt. You need privacy now - not her fog head floating around. GD it, watch a movie together! That made me really pis't off, Dingo.

 

Now, you got got to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. That's it. War. Sorry, separate cars. Let her take a taxi, or have her boyfriend pick her a$$ up. You must stay away from her, no contact. There is no reconciliation talk now. If there will be, it would not happen for a year from at least. Your entire marriage is dead, after her pronouncement. She cannot unring that bell. It is over. Better to learn now, than six months from now. You were smart to do the ultematum.

 

Any further dealings with her, would be a new relationship. Not a reconcilation. There is no way to reconcile this. How?

 

You must be alone to grieve now. The sooner the better. Get away from her, or better still - tell her she must leave. You keep the master bedroom. Don't eat shyt for her. Remember who is in the wrong here. Get that real clear with the attorney too.

 

No talking. Talk only thru attorneys. Everything you say can be turned against you. And you are not in an emotionally stable state of mind to be making any decisions. Make sure you file first thing tomorrow - beat her to it, file as Plantiff, and site the infidelity in the pleadings if possible, and the pleadings can also demand that she vacate the premises immediately. And don't talk about going to the attorney to her. You have to file before she does. That is good strategy. As Plantiff, you are always first to make demands, ask questions, and you are always first to speak. also, The term "Defendant" will subliminally enhance her infidelity if you end up in front of a judge. Take full control. Hope this helps. Yas

 

PS if you have to, take the car, and stay in a hotel tonight. Say nothing. Take the day off of work tomorrow, get her served at her job tomorrow. This is possible, but you have to be in attorney office first thing in the morning.

[Yasuandio]

I just read the thing about her call, about picking up some food on the way home. What a nerve she has. That is like rubbing cat shyt under your nose. Acting all nicie-nice after she just a-bombed your life as you know it? Anyone up for Chinese? What a b. I'm sorry, but this lady must be a demented sadistic lunatic. How weird is that.

 

Man, do not take any calls. That kind of call is even messing with my mind, and I'm not even you.

 

Tell her to go to guest room tonight, and then she can be vacated tomorrow after she is served. Say nothing. Y

[dingo]

Are these Homer suggestions really the way to go?

 

Agree with everything she says?? let her have her way on everything?

 

That seems insane....

 

The other things i can buy off on. preferences, always be positive, negative suggestion, etc.

 

Not like I need to post a play by play but looks like the separation anxiety doesn't take long - she's wearing her engagement ring tonight (which she hasn't worn in weeks if not months) and she keeps coming up to see what Im doing on the computer. When I didn't tell her, she accused me of changing her cell phone number (??).

[Yasuandio]

No on the Homer right now. This is war. You don't want this one back.

[dingo]

Appt with the lawyer isnt until Thursday. She came highly recommended by one of my mother's friends so I will go with her. My wife won't file, trust me. She hasnt lifted a finger one way or the other through any of this. She's just coasting along letting everyone else direct the path her life takes.

[Yasuandio]

Dingo, you have a situation like Jstab. You are going to have to go thru with the filing of a divorce and full separation from this woman, who clearly, I hope you see now, is having full out affair with this man. That is why she is so happy happy. It is the love chemicals.

 

Homer is going to be very helpful to you later, but you are at war now - you must think like a warrior. Time is of the essence if you do not want to get booted out of the house by her.

 

You know she can file in the morning and have you vacated as well, realize that. And in 99% of cases, that is what happens, and the Judge makes a temporary order for you to pay up what she cannot pay on the mortgage. I do not know what state you in, and no one knows what issues SHE will raise in her pleadings to the court to get you out of the house. That is why I told you to move you a$$ in the morning and serve her at work tomorrow without fail. She is not going to expect that.

 

I have actually talked to Homer once on the phone. He changed my life. He said I don't need to pay for his therapies (which are 5 1/2 sessions @ $2500). He said all he does in the sessions is hold your hand and teach you to be happy. You do not need your spouse to be happy. You must be capable to be happy without your spouse. This is where Homer's readings will really help you.

 

Also -- Homer distinguishes between the legal divorce and the emotional divorce. They are two different things. To protect your interests, your wife had given you no choice other than to initiate the legal divorce. All it is is paper - and it takes a very long time. It is irrelevant to the emotional divorce.

 

Jstab and I will help you on that when the time is right. Right now -- one thing at a time. Get filed as Plantiff and get her vacated from marital home,

asap. Y

[Yasuandio]

Appt with the lawyer isnt until Thursday. She came highly recommended by one of my mother's friends so I will go with her. My wife won't file, trust me. She hasnt lifted a finger one way or the other through any of this. She's just coasting along letting everyone else direct the path her life takes.

 

You wife did state a position today. That was new. And when she writes her legal papers, she is not going to make you look good, I promise you.

 

You are taking a risk. But you got to do what you choose. Divorce attorneys get calls for emergency filings all the time. The filing is a standard format, they just fill your name in - nothing fancy. The ugly details come later - in the interrogatories.

 

I would call in the AM to see if you could push it up, at least try. If not, then I would not act so tough at the house then. Well, I don't know. I don't take risks on stuff like this. I beat my husband to the filing, just by accident. I just happened to call some of the numbers on the phone bill one night, and surprise, a recording from a divorce attorney's office, he had been in contact with for months! And he had been playing all nice-nice with me. Bam, before noon the next day, my papers were filed. Then my attorney and I took him by surprise.

 

I would have been so shocked to get served with how nice he was being. Man, what a rip-off. Yea for me!

 

If not, be prepared, just in case, she may serve you.

[2sunny]

If you have any money - move it to your name only account!!!

 

Cancel her credit cards too!

 

She will wipe you out of everything - while smiling the whole way.

 

Change your passwords on everything you have!

 

And when she moves tomorrow - change the locks and garage door code if needed!

 

Do not agree to even speak to her if it's not necessary!

 

Get busy! She's about to screw you over royally. Be proactive.

 

And yes, cancel her phone if it may show her you aren't gonna be screwed over while she stands there smiling!

[Yasuandio]

No, leave the phone alone. He can track what she's up to. When she call's an attorney - he will have a head's up like I did.

 

Also, dingo, you need to make a request from the carrier for the detailed text and phone records. The carrier can pull all the exact texts that have been transmitted. It will cost some money - but outstanding leverage. She could have been doing this for years. That is what I learned when I got the records. And it was not a woman he spent so much time on the phone with. I was absolutely stunned. And it actully took me a couple years to process all the data and put 2+2 together. My mind just couldn't comprehend such a thing, even though everything pointed to it.

 

It is terrible Hun, we have all been in a situation that is also just as terrible. You are going to be ok. Homer says to try to avoid the self pity.....take the attitude that this happens to everyone, sooner or later, you will lose your spouse. Any self pity thought you get, bring it here, and we will help you out.

 

Go to the doctor too, get something for the anxiety. Drugs are helpful for this trama. Maybe something lite, like an Ativan or diazepam. Talk to the doctor - make sure you are not depressed. I have a bad memory - someone was talking about hurting themselves. I hope that wasn't you.

[aliveagain]

Protect your finances immediately, change your banking to an account only you can access, deposit half your monies into that new account, change your credit cards, take her off your cards, you wouldn't be the first to get stuck with a huge credit card debt and she needs to feel what life without you will be like. Change your insurance. She chose divorce over reconciliation, that just means she is still in her affair and has already left the marriage. You needed to know the truth so you don't become victim to cake-eating. Why waste years in false reconciliation while she takes her affair underground. Read up on the 180 and make that your new way of life. Be pleasant but don't let her drag you into any drama. In her perfect world she will have her boyfriend and you as her best buddy. She thinks your going to be best friends and the three of you are going to hang out together, end that illusion immediately. She needs to know that you will not be friends because your new girlfriend won't like it.

 

Don't beg, plead or look weak because women don't find that attractive. Get some new casual edgy clothes, change your hairstyle and start doing things without her. You need to spend sometime away from her, go out with some friends but DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE let her move. Don't do what she expects you to do like fall apart, don't show her you hurt, save that for when you are in your private space. I did most of my crying in my car. Listen to your lawyer and get yourself a voice activated recorder, carry it on you at all times, she's going to get crazy when you start standing up to her. You will get through this, honest.

[Yasuandio]

Listen to Aliveagain - he is so totally right. Print his post and read it ten time a day. Maybe 100 times a day right now. Don't slide. You are a tough man - you can do this.

 

Once she's suddenly available, and all needy, and ooie-gooie, he's going to reject her. Stand by and watch the show. Meanwhile, she is locked out, and vacated through Court order. That is how the man is going to run the system here, period. May she will crawl back, and maybe not. Who the eff cares after her mouth to you tonight. Your wife talks to you like that, and then offers an effing take-out. That is as low as it effing gets.

 

She going to get a take-out alright. This guy will not want her BS full time, guarantee. You know yourself her dang high maintenance. It's evident to anonomous outsiders. Oh man, I could never act like her - that is bad news.

Edited August 6, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Mr. Lucky]

well - it looks like another marriage headed for the trash bin. She asked for some time to think and after about 30 mins, came back and said she wants a divorce, that she had probably know this for a while and the combination of my ultimatum and reading Women's Infidelity had pushed her to make a decision.

Dingo, so sorry to hear that. I'd hoped she'd come around but the odds weren't in your favor. Sounds like she'd decided a while ago she was out and was stringing you along, waiting for the best time to tell you. My sympathies...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

Who did she call when she went to yoga?

 

Whoever she reached out to first is who she's been confiding in.

 

It may have been while she took her 30 minutes to "think about it" - or while she said she was at yoga... But I'd bet money she communicated by text or a call to her OM.

 

She may have more than one OM - seeing as how heartless she is - expect the worst from her side.

 

Get things in order so she doesn't screw you over even more. She may have gone to the bank while she said she was at yoga...

[dingo]

ughh...rough morning. She came into bed in the middle of the night and I woke up with her cuddling me.

 

She started crying, saying her dream was crashing down around her and she's scared she's going to lose me. I didn't really say much but let her talk and tried to homer her by agreeing when she asked my thoughts.

 

Ultimately we got to the meat of the matter which is that she has been unhappy for a while and realized we were both going through the motions since getting married. I agreed and said there were things that we both needed from the other person that we weren't getting and we couldn't communicate them to each other effectively. We talked about some of the things we wanted from the relationship and wondered why we had never discussed them before. A couple of those things brought out 'if only you'd told me that then' so there are regrets on both sides of this coin.

 

The conclusion was that over the years of hoping that i would snap out of it (i admit that i did get too focused on my role as builder, provider and protector and probably neglected her emotions and our life together in general) her feelings may have changed and she doesn't know if she can get them back. I agreed and said 'it sounds like there's not much hope to restore this then.' Then she said, 'it sucks that you've changed recently and i wish you were this way before. I worry that if we stay together, you'll regress.' Again, I agreed saying that there is always that chance and that's what faith in each other is all about. Though I feel like this experience has been an eye opener for me and has allowed me some self-discovery and maturity that will have permanently changed me.

 

Then the kicker - she asked for a separation period to sort it out. 'I need to lose you to know if my feelings push me back to you or if i made the right decision and am happy without you.' Clearly this is, whether shes conscious of it or not, 'I want to see what happens with OM and go have some fun times while still being able to come back to you.' I told her no, the conditions of me staying married to you haven't changed and that I would not even consider a separation. She rescheduled our counseling for tonight and agreed to think about things during the day.

 

So there is obviously a fair bit of manipulation going on, and while it is selfish, I don't think she understands that she's being selfish and cruel. I personally think she has checked out of the marriage and only a miracle or shock will check her back in. I don't even know if NC with OM will help her realize how big of a mistake she's making at this point. I just have to not beat myself up over it. While she is doing a fair bit of gaslighting, there is no doubt that I was not there for her how she wanted/needed me to be.

 

I will still keep my appointment with the lawyer. Called this morning and the earliest they can have her served is next week. I have taken her off the bank accounts and removed her as beneficiary to my life insurance policy. Her credit cards are her own so no need to worry about that.

 

First person she called/texted after leaving for yoga was me. No way to check if she emailed anyone from her phone.

 

Staying strong, holding the line....

[2sunny]

Do you notice that SHE isn't taking responsibility for how she has participated?

 

Did you go out and have an A on her when your needs in the m weren't met? No

 

She's manipulating you at the highest level = playing the victim of circumstances and not owning HER bad behavior - not making every attempt to repair that damage SHE CAUSED!

 

I'd let HER go to counseling - ALONE! She's not thinking of you, your feelings...she's still trying to keep her OM and YOU.

 

 

She didn't come to you and say "I'll never communicate withOM again and I quit my job today" - nope, she just intends to manipulate you further!

 

 

Are you going to allow it by participating further?

 

Can you see why folks here said "kick her out today"? The longer she's there - the more she will twist your mind into thinking what she's done is just peachy.

 

Wile she plays all sweet with you - she still intends to do whatever she wants behind your back! She's the kind of cheater that's scary - she makes it look all sugary like she's doing you a favor by still hanging around - she's gross!!!