wife troubles...

[2sunny]

You are being too nice to her. She's got you pegged as her doormat.

[Yasuandio]

She is wicked! If you were not pre-prepted with your LS education, you would have fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

 

She most likely has a second phone by now. And like Sunny guessed, while she was out, she called that guy.

 

And I bet she was not at yoga last night either. Stop by the yoga and ask. Tell them she things she may have forgotten her eyeglasses, and you are helping her locate them. "Did you guys find my wife's sunglasses last evening?" "Mary Dingo? She was here last night, right?" You could do that on the phone with some dumb receptionist.

 

I bet you she was with the guy. It really doesn't matter now. She was with the guy. She did tell you she wants a divorce. She did a-bomb your world, and she continues to buy time for cake-eating. As long as she appears happy and confident, you can be assured she is having regular orgasms.

 

You cannot let her put her hands on you. It is good to do the Homer thing, nothing wrong with that. It keeps the peace. Don't forget you are agreeing with a viper. You must follow through. Be a little soft and talkie-talk, and sad puppy, until the papers are filed with the court. That can happen sooner than next week. The service will take longer - but, certainly, the attorney can get a dang Plantiff divorce pleading filled in the courthouse working hours after you sign it. Getting it to the Court files is where the Urgency is. Next week on that is not good enough.

 

You may decide to just have her served by mail rather than embarrass her at work. Or have her served at home. That is the nicer, classier thing to do.

 

I told you, don't talk to her about lawyers - cause, she will get one. You want to be ahead of the game, as you want the house. If she gets ahead of you, YOU will be vacating the house, buddy. And, probably paying for it too. And she come up with some bs about her discomfort around you. Just wait and see.

 

Once your separated, Homer, Homer, Homer. Nice, Nice, nothing serious. Date, enjoy yourself. No relationship talk. Be happy. Happy, happy. I will keep an eye out.

[2sunny]

There's not one single reason to ever talk to her or see her again unless she quits her job and ends all communication with the OM!

 

Even IF she did all that - she would still need to do years of counseling for herself to lose that self entitled ego that hurts you and benefits her.

 

Things are out of balance - and it seems to sway in her favor - but she's designed it that way by her huge ego.

 

 

 

Her approach is scary - playing all nicey nicey while knowing full well all her actions are designed to hurt you and help her continue to cheat.

 

 

She's lied so many times! Go back and read your opening post - every time YOU tried to reconnect with her - she was running to her OM - and telling you she was with family. ONLY when caught in those lies did she blame you by telling you she needed more!

 

She's not been honest. She's a passive aggressive woman who will go behind your back to get what she wants - causing harm to YOU the whole way - and smiling at you while she does it!

 

Get her out of your house today. She's gonna take you for an emotional ride IF you don't take the reigns!

 

I would have literally kicked her out of bed and told her cheating azz to stop pretending to care!

[Jstub]

Dingo, I just caught up reading your post.

 

Homer - You can see Homer in 2 ways. The Homer that is trying to help you get your wife back (you do not want this) and the Homer that is teaching you common sense (you definitely want this). Absorb the philosophy and apply it to your life. You are the master of your own happiness and you are the master of your own ego.

 

As for your wife and her games. Man.... I see myself in you. All the lies, all the blame shifting. YES, YOU screwed up in the marriage. OF COURSE you did. BUT! what about her? who screwed up more? always remember demise of a marriage is 50 50% between a couple - but cheating is 100% on the cheater. It is NOT your fault that she cheated and caused this reaction and the full demise.

 

If she wanted out of the marriage for yearsss, she should have done it the right way (WTF?). If she wanted to really save the marriage, she should have done it the right way.

 

This behavior is so typical. You need to stop letting it f*** with your head. It is very important for a woman to justify her action(s), for her not to seem like a slut or a home wrecker. That is why all this blame shifting happens. It was your fault she spread it... yea right. If she did not get raped, then it was her decision.

 

As a reference, till this day, after I have filed for divorce, my stbxw STILL tries to f*** with my head. Whenever I pick up my kids, she wants to "talk" about what happened etc. She texts me/ emails me explaining her side. It's all the same over and over again. I WAS AT FAULT for her cheating... I just tell her to shut up, because I don't have to listen to it and she can have her own version vs mine. We are both entitled to our versions.

 

Coming to the "kicker" as you called it. Yep... I am glad you see through that. I want distance to see if my feelings come back? hahaha good one! it's always been about finding out what is out there and keeping you as option B. It is very typical. I can go further than that as well. Since the feelings have been gone for years, there is a high chance she will come back begging (specially if you go all homer on her ass) and if you take her back, she will realize that she doesn't love you again. The feelings are dead - you can't do anything about it. Just let it go.

 

The one thing you need to avoid as well is this. You will remember the good times, what she used to be like. You will think (and you are already doing this) she will come back to her senses, she will become your good old wife, and that you will ONLY take her back if she turns back to that woman. She made a huge mistake... etc etc. YOU CANNOT FIX THIS WOMAN - this is who she is. This is who she has become. She is very selfish, feels very entitled and is just bad news.

 

I don't need to tell you about how you need to file for divorce etc. you are already getting good advice there and you seem to be moving along just fine. Just try to be as nice as possible, or as indifferent - you don't want to go all out crazy on her. That does you no good. My anger cost me a $10,000 you don't want that do you now?

 

Keep posting!

[dingo]

Yeah I do see both of those sides of the Homer articles. All of this resource material that I have been referred to, whether its Homer, Women's Infidelity, or Divorce Busters all gives the exact same information. Which is also the same information I am getting from you all. When I try to educate her, she simply points out that not all relationships are the same and just because its in a book, doesnt mean that its true. And yet...amazingly enough, she is acting in a manner that is 100% consistent with everything I have learned.

 

A few posts up, someone asked me to explore why I want to be with her still and the answer, as hard as it is to admit, is simple: I don't want to admit that I failed, that I made a mistake and am scared to start dating again. I hate that those are the reasons, but they are. The truth is, this woman never challenged me intellectually (our conversation was more contrived and comedic than deep or stimulating), was fairly routine in the bedroom, did not have the same upbringing and life goals that I have (save for retirement, children's college educations, etc.) and I probably should have not married her to begin with. I thought that we could grow together and she would improve in some of these areas but we never did and they started to drive us apart. Very arrogant of me but there you have it.

 

I do have a date tomorrow night though so im not too afraid.

 

I have told her throughout this process that 50% each for marriage problems and 100% hers for affair and the current situation. As others have said, she has not truly owned her mistakes and accepted responsibility.

 

I am sure she will come crawling back as reality starts to set in. She does this even on a micro level. When I Homer her and agree that we need to keep pushing the divorce, she comes back with 'im not sure i want to lose this.' Then when I entertain her, the next conversation is all about how its too late and she can't bring her feelings back. She even told me - when i am secure in our relationship, I focus on the negative things about it and when I am insecure, I focus on the positive. I feel like such an idiot for not slapping her in the face (figuratively) when she first admitted the affair. I wish I had been better prepared for that.

 

You're also spot on on whats going through my head right now. I do remember the good times, photos of us having fun, all that ****. At the root of it all is the fact that I cannot separate who she really is from who i thought she was and who i thought she could become. I do indeed find myself thinking (hoping?) that she'll come around, wake up, snap out of it, etc but I think deep down inside, I know that she won't.

 

She did make a huge mistake - but not in asking for divorce. She made the mistake by not coming to me back when she first knew there was a serious problem going on with her feelings, by not insisting on counseling then, by not threatening to divorce me then if i didn't listen, etc. She gave up everything she ever wanted on that single decision.

[Lei Ping]

Yeah I do see both of those sides of the Homer articles. All of this resource material that I have been referred to, whether its Homer, Women's Infidelity, or Divorce Busters all gives the exact same information. Which is also the same information I am getting from you all. When I try to educate her, she simply points out that not all relationships are the same and just because its in a book, doesnt mean that its true. And yet...amazingly enough, she is acting in a manner that is 100% consistent with everything I have learned.

 

 

She did make a huge mistake - but not in asking for divorce. She made the mistake by not coming to me back when she first knew there was a serious problem going on with her feelings, by not insisting on counseling then, by not threatening to divorce me then if i didn't listen, etc. She gave up everything she ever wanted on that single decision.

I have to jump in here to admire your conduct through this journey of yours and it was quite a rough journey.

 

True story:

 

A couple buddies and I invited a casual friend, mid forties on a Mancation with us to the Caribbean. This friend was very unhappy and having problems with his wife which were very similar to what you experienced. The only difference is that they had 2 teenage Boys. We travelled to our retreat and enjoyed the beaches, nightlife, casinos, deep-sea fishing and dining for 6 days.

 

On the last night there happened to be a party going on at our resort with a band and dancing and he caught the eye of a very attractive Woman who was maybe mid to late thirties very good looking with a very cultured demeanor there for the party which was for one of her relatives. They talked (at our urging) casually at the bar at first, then at a table alone, then on the dance floor until the music stopped playing, then out in the courtyard in the property's 3 acre garden under the moonlight and then he kissed her like he'd known her all his life, put her in a cab and sent her home. We all flew out together early the next morning and this Guy could not stop smiling.

 

A month later I saw the Guy at our local after work watering hole and he had made plans to return to the island, this time just him and his Wife. It seems that in just one night he had grown a pair of cajones so impressive that she stopped dead in her tracks and fell head over heels in love with him. She became the most attentive, appreciative and adoring Woman he'd ever known and has been that way ever since. That was 5 years ago. They go back to that island every year.

 

It became very clear to me that in some instances, the best way to change her behavior is to change your own.

[Yasuandio]

Dingo, here are some points for you to consider.

 

You only know what she has told you, and what you can surmise, or imagine.

 

The reality of what your wife has done is much more "animated" and "horrifying" than you will ever want to know right now. When people finially do admit to doing something terribly that they did wrong, they certainly are not going to give you any unnecessary information that is not required, and they certainly are not going to draw you a picture, and provide honest graphic information willingly.

 

If reconciliation would ever come in your case, open honesty about the details of this messy matter would also have to be forthcoming. You are not in a place for that. And she is not honest - there is no way to trust her. But, I want you to see what the process would normally be (which you cannot expect from her), so I am going to describe it - so you will see for yourself how far away she is from any steps towards honest reconciliation:

 

Total unadulterated open honesty is often needed by the betrayed spouse to fully cope with their partner's affair, and know within themselves that their betrayer has given them the full and complete truth. This means the betrayer must be willing to openly discuss and answer any and all questions the betrayed has. The sex details often hammer in the final nail of cold hard truth for the betrayed - it hurts, but it is helpful to reconciliation if that is what the betrayed wishes to seek a conclusion - a final set of clarifing questions to set their mind at peace: "who, where, what, when, how, why."

 

Dingo -- there is no way you are there. You know that. I just want you to see what true remorseful spouses are required to do. Liars cannot fulfil the above.

 

Now, I cannot recall why I wanted to make this point (I'm on an slow iPhone). But here it is:

 

In your living environment, remove anything that reminds you of her. Take down all the photos, box up her crap, put it in the attack or garage. Change up the place, move furnature the way you want it. Make it your place. Paint her out of there - totally disappear her entire spirit. If she chose the colors, get a painter in there, and get some masculine color sceme going on in there. Maybe you could ask your date about some color ideas for men, that is a good conversation topic!

 

Or chat with a nice girl at Sherwin Williams, and allow the young lady to assist you in selecting some samples (bring your cell phone with photos of the rooms, of course). That is why they have the girl working there. If a guy come to help you, just say you want a woman's ideas on the colors. Customer is always right. I am using a Homer principle on you - always be around nice women every chance you get. See, isn't that easy? This is how you learn to be happy!

 

Turn the place into a mancave. Ditch her stupid schokies off the mantle, and replace them with a nice new flat screen. Get some new sports channels thru the cable company and discontinue her lifetime, A&E, Oprha, the L Word, Glee, home shopping, HBO, Gordon Ramsey, Runway, - all her celebrity crap she likes - disappear it. Replace with ESPN, ESPN Plus, ESPN Ultra, etc. Whatever men like. Get a friend and box, box, box. Don't bother to fold anything . Men don't know how to fold.

 

Then you need to get some cans of air freshened that you like to get her smell out of there. Just look at the picture on the can, and spray a little at the store till you find one you like. Try apples and cinnomen. That is a good earthy smell. Stay away from anything with a flower picture. Just smell it in the store first. Your senses are very important. You want to walk into your new place and have a completely different association - to everyone of your senses possible. Smell is very important. Just her aroma around the place could be subliminally or subconsciously irrating you.

 

TJ Max - new pillows and bedsheets and comforter set will help you also. The new girlfriend could maybe take you shopping and help you select something masculine in the correct size. Or if you have a decent budget - Macy's has people that can walk you thru the nicghtmare of the bedding department.

 

But I am not opposed to this new girl in your life being a pal of sorts. She may very well enjoy it. But you must treat her to a nice dinner for helping out on your mancave. Be clear - MANCAVE. U R going for a masculine look.

 

You see how busy you are going to be while you are re-inventing yourself? Ok. I hope all these notes you. Yas

[Jstub]

Yeah I do see both of those sides of the Homer articles. All of this resource material that I have been referred to, whether its Homer, Women's Infidelity, or Divorce Busters all gives the exact same information. Which is also the same information I am getting from you all. When I try to educate her, she simply points out that not all relationships are the same and just because its in a book, doesnt mean that its true. And yet...amazingly enough, she is acting in a manner that is 100% consistent with everything I have learned.

 

It is very normal for her to say that. Remember, she does not want to own up to what she has done, because she does not want to be painted as the bad guy. Very classic thing to say "not all relationships are the same" - it's not about a relationship, it's about human behavior - that is why you can predict a cheaters behavior.

 

A few posts up, someone asked me to explore why I want to be with her still and the answer, as hard as it is to admit, is simple: I don't want to admit that I failed, that I made a mistake and am scared to start dating again. I hate that those are the reasons, but they are. The truth is, this woman never challenged me intellectually (our conversation was more contrived and comedic than deep or stimulating), was fairly routine in the bedroom, did not have the same upbringing and life goals that I have (save for retirement, children's college educations, etc.) and I probably should have not married her to begin with. I thought that we could grow together and she would improve in some of these areas but we never did and they started to drive us apart. Very arrogant of me but there you have it.

 

Not wanting to fail - this is a very good answer. No one wants to fail and it is very normal. I and many people in your situation go through that. It also ties in with the ego. So be careful there. Scared to date - yes she screwed with your self confidence by cheating on you, but try not to be scared. There are many wonderful women out there who want to date you (more on that in a sec). From what you are saying, you should have never married her in the first place, but you did - I guess divorcing her is not so bad after all, as you get your freedom back in that sense. Go explore the world.

 

I do have a date tomorrow night though so im not too afraid.

 

A lot of people will tell you it is too early to date. I will tell you otherwise. Go date, f around, have a blast. BUT BE HONEST. I am not saying go disclose your whole situation to your potential girl, but don't go making her believe you are available for a relationship, because you are not. The dating part will be somewhat strange, but you get used to it pretty quickly. Sex on the other hand, was very strange for me in the beginning. When I slept with a woman after my stbxw's affair, all I could think of was, how can she do that so easily? did she think about me? all the mind f*** bs. So don't get discouraged if that happens to you, as it will get better. Just don't talk about your stbxw to your date - she will run run run

 

I have told her throughout this process that 50% each for marriage problems and 100% hers for affair and the current situation. As others have said, she has not truly owned her mistakes and accepted responsibility.

 

I am sure she will come crawling back as reality starts to set in. She does this even on a micro level. When I Homer her and agree that we need to keep pushing the divorce, she comes back with 'im not sure i want to lose this.' Then when I entertain her, the next conversation is all about how its too late and she can't bring her feelings back. She even told me - when i am secure in our relationship, I focus on the negative things about it and when I am insecure, I focus on the positive. I feel like such an idiot for not slapping her in the face (figuratively) when she first admitted the affair. I wish I had been better prepared for that.

 

She wants what she can't have. Get ready for her to really come for you when she finds out you are dating. Again, she will come back for the wrong reasons and you should hold your ground. According to me, you should date discretely and keep your private life completely to yourself. She will cause a lot of drama if she finds out - you don't want that. Also, her yo-yo behavior is really simple - when she has you, she doesn't want you, when she loses you, she wants you back. Really stupid and childish. That's what my 3 year old daughter does and that's ok for her, but not for a grown ass woman

 

You're also spot on on whats going through my head right now. I do remember the good times, photos of us having fun, all that ****. At the root of it all is the fact that I cannot separate who she really is from who i thought she was and who i thought she could become. I do indeed find myself thinking (hoping?) that she'll come around, wake up, snap out of it, etc but I think deep down inside, I know that she won't.

 

She is not coming back - even if she does - do you really want her back? She will do the same crap to you. The ONLY way, she can truly come back is in a few years time. IFFFFF she realizes she has been a selfish, self entitled ego maniac of a woman and IFFFFF she corrects herself and IFFFFF you start a brand new relationship and IFFFFF you see the changes are real and IFFFFF you still want her, then give it a shot.

 

She did make a huge mistake - but not in asking for divorce. She made the mistake by not coming to me back when she first knew there was a serious problem going on with her feelings, by not insisting on counseling then, by not threatening to divorce me then if i didn't listen, etc. She gave up everything she ever wanted on that single decision

 

Here is the kicker in all of this. You see, she was not honest with you and instead of saving her marriage, she checked out. That's one way of dealing with it. Now as you said, if she had given you a real wake up call, you would have probably changed in the ways she wanted you to change. She didn't do that, she decided to go the wrong way. Now, this is also a wake up call for you. You should really think about your 50% of contribution and focus on your flaws and IMPROVE THEM for yourself. Learn from your mistakes and become a better person. This will pay off in any future relationships. You will become the person she always wanted, but you will not be her man anymore, someone else will get to enjoy that

 

I was talking to a divorced woman about this the other day, and she said, oh my ex husband is now the man of my dreams, but I can't have him anymore, because he doesn't want me. How I wish I had given him a wake up call and stood by his side throughout his improvement journey. True story.

 

 

 

i am typing 10+ characters because I have to.

[2sunny]

Have you put a lock on your bedroom door yet? Do it today!

 

It's to keep out her manipulation!

 

Have you had her move out yet?

 

If not - she's really had no consequences yet that make it clear tht you're done.

 

And I don't see her at 50% - I see her at 5% at the most - and that's when I only serves her well.

[RightThere]

A few posts up, someone asked me to explore why I want to be with her still and the answer, as hard as it is to admit, is simple: I don't want to admit that I failed, that I made a mistake

 

I will admit I have the exact same thoughts with my own issues. For a lot of men, failure (at anything) is a worse fear than death.

[dingo]

You should really think about your 50% of contribution and focus on your flaws and IMPROVE THEM for yourself. Learn from your mistakes and become a better person.

 

When i was in the endless circles of rationalizing with her on why we should stay together, this was my #1 point. We know what we did wrong and now how to avoid it in the future. Thats how, under the proper circumstances, extremely strong relationships can grow from these situations. went in one ear and out the other.

 

I actually did disclose everything to the woman I am meeting. With all this honesty talk lately, i didn't think it was right to start things out dishonest. She was skeptical at first but agreed to meet me after we talked for a few minutes - primarily because she appreciated my honesty.

 

After getting denied a separation this morning, my wife called this afternoon asking if i would entertain a 2-week separation on the condition that she be allowed NC with either me (other than our weekly counseling session) or the OM. I asked her how that was possible if they work together and she came up with some lameass answers like: I will email him instead of go to his desk for work questions, i won't go into the lunch room when he's in there and i'll walk around the long way to the bathroom. I kinda gave her a snort/laugh and told her that solution was ridiculous. The conditions remain, remorseful reconciliation with a new job and all that other stuff you guys have told me or i can't stay in the marriage.

 

More projecting from her - 'Im trying to work with you to give us one last chance and you arent even considering what I am saying?!' etc, etc. I just told her Id see her at counseling and hung up the phone. Headed there in a few mins.

[dingo]

I have to jump in here to admire your conduct through this journey of yours and it was quite a rough journey.

 

True story:

 

A couple buddies and I invited a casual friend, mid forties on a Mancation with us to the Caribbean. This friend was very unhappy and having problems with his wife which were very similar to what you experienced. The only difference is that they had 2 teenage Boys. We travelled to our retreat and enjoyed the beaches, nightlife, casinos, deep-sea fishing and dining for 6 days.

 

On the last night there happened to be a party going on at our resort with a band and dancing and he caught the eye of a very attractive Woman who was maybe mid to late thirties very good looking with a very cultured demeanor there for the party which was for one of her relatives. They talked (at our urging) casually at the bar at first, then at a table alone, then on the dance floor until the music stopped playing, then out in the courtyard in the property's 3 acre garden under the moonlight and then he kissed her like he'd known her all his life, put her in a cab and sent her home. We all flew out together early the next morning and this Guy could not stop smiling.

 

A month later I saw the Guy at our local after work watering hole and he had made plans to return to the island, this time just him and his Wife. It seems that in just one night he had grown a pair of cajones so impressive that she stopped dead in her tracks and fell head over heels in love with him. She became the most attentive, appreciative and adoring Woman he'd ever known and has been that way ever since. That was 5 years ago. They go back to that island every year.

 

It became very clear to me that in some instances, the best way to change her behavior is to change your own.

 

This is a great story and something I will try very hard to do. Perhaps just meeting this girl out tomorrow will restore enough confidence in me to make her take heed.

[Yasuandio]

This is a great story and something I will try very hard to do. Perhaps just meeting this girl out tomorrow will restore enough confidence in me to make her take heed.

 

Don't kid yourself. The purpose of confidence is not to make someone take heed. Confidence attracts respect and admiration. That's all. If you appear confident for some sort of gain, (such as to make another "take heed"), then you are not confident, you are instead, manipulative.

 

Your lack of confidence is not going to change over night with one date. Wake up. Get real.

 

This on-line date sounds kinda soon, really, anyway. Is it a revenge affair you may be plotting, Dingo?

Edited August 6, 2013 by Yasuandio

[dingo]

Don't kid yourself. The purpose of confidence is not to make someone take heed. Confidence attracts respect and admiration. That's all. If you appear confident for some sort of gain, (such as to make another "take heed"), then you are not confident, you are instead, manipulative.

 

Your lack of confidence is not going to change over night with one date. Wake up. Get real.

 

This on-line date sounds kinda soon, really, anyway. Is it a revenge affair you may be plotting, Dingo?

 

I can assure you its not.

[aliveagain]

You drew your line in the sand, stick to it, she needs to see you won't back down because now she has to make a decision for the marriage or against it. She gave up her right to keep her job the moment she acted on the opportunity to cheat with someone she works with. She can choose to stop disrespecting you by leaving her job or continue working with OM and loose you. You did not put her in this position, she did. Buy the new clothes, go out with your friends, she needs to see that you are willing to move on without her. Your starting to look real handsome to her again, you will be at your most handsome when other women start showing interest in you.

[Jstub]

I have a feeling you are not really serious about divorcing this woman. You are very open to reconciliation still.

 

You telling her "if you are remorseful" as a condition is just ridiculous. If she has not been remorseful up to this point, do you really think she will become remorseful overnight? Don't kid yourself...

[aliveagain]

Absolutely say no to a separation, a separation is just a try out for the other man without the feeling of guilt coming home to you. Just file, it takes time to divorce and you can stop the process anytime up to the final decree. Not everyone cheats, most talk to their spouse about the things that bother them. Once you step over that line your relationship is permanently changed, they can't go back and un f**k themselves. You can forgive adultery but no one ever forgets it, it will always be the big white elephant in the room.

[Yasuandio]

Once you step over that line your relationship is permanently changed, they can't go back and un f**k themselves. You can forgive adultery but no one ever forgets it, it will always be the big white elephant in the room.

 

This is the smartest quote I have ever heard on the subject.

[2sunny]

By even going to counseling - and having her in your home - she's STILL is getting the idea that you may reconcile...that she can still manipulate you.

 

You are sending her mixed signals with your INACTIONS.

 

Kick her out - get the papers filed - even if it means going to the courthouse to get the forms to fill out! Heck, most states - you can download them from the Internet.

 

And a date? Geez, I can't see why it's useful to jump into MORE emotional situations until you've put this one to rest.

 

Are you afraid of being alone? No HEALTHY woman would agree to date a man who isn't hardly 24 hours past divorce talks and hasn't shown evidence that his wife has been removed from his life.

 

I can't support that decision with this volatile timing.

 

Either way, by GOING to counseling - your W thinks she's still got you by your balls - and she does - because you aren't yet kicking her out!

[Yasuandio]

Yup. Back to the drawing board. It happens to the best of us. Two years in, I was chasing a PI car downhill, and smashed up my entire face and body, banging every joint full force as I tumbled downhill on the asphalt street, determined to get photos of the serveilance car.

 

I just couldn't see what was really happening. I couldn't comprehend what was important and what I should ignore. I just couldn't see. Every single thing seemed like a huge disaster in my mind - and fear ruled every single decision I made for a very, very long period of time. I still have pain from those injuries, summer 2011.

 

I hope you will re-read your thread carefully. Maybe even read some of the stories of the posters that have reached out to you. Some of us have learned through the school of hard knocks. Jstab has a great deal to teach you. Mrs. S.' current story is similar also - the pattern repeated with the opposite sex. Like you said yourself, the same advice given over and over again to many people on LS.

 

Mr. Lucky gave you examples of instances where there can be success. You have seen for yourself, results quickly, by applying certain methods. But you have to apply wisdom also. Your wife has some character issues to face. And that is no quick fix.

 

Seriously, I really don't know how to help you. Suddenly, you just seem to be

going totally backwards, when I thought you really had your act together. I understand what it is like to be compelled to do ill-advised things, but I don't have any idea how to get you to see the light again. Yas

[dingo]

Jeez guys - try to remember when you were going through this. Its easy to see things with the benefit of hindsight. Please do not think your advice is wasted and that I haven't learned from your experiences.

 

1. we discussed how to do an amicable divorce at the counselor, not reconciliation. I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to begin paperwork.

 

2. Of course I am still hopeful but that doesn't mean I am going to cave and doesnt mean that I am not moving forward with divorce paperwork. In fact, I did not cave last night when she wanted to talk about things. I didn't rise to the bait, agreed with all of her assessments of things and went to bed. Just like the reference material predicts, she started defending me and building up our marriage. I didn't give her any opinion and went to bed.

 

3. She's on the mortgage. I can't kick her out of the house, I can't change the locks and I can't throw her stuff out.

 

4. When she asked again if i would entertain a 2 week separation, I told her that its not an option for me but that she is an adult and is free to do what she likes. She is all of a sudden coming to terms, has sent her resume out and has a job interview later this week.

 

I obviously can't predict the future but I am going to continue to move forward, more or less how you have all advised.

[2sunny]

It's good you are staying strong for yourself.

 

You can change the lock on your bedroom door. If you don't expect middle of the night sex and manipulation.

[Yasuandio]

It doesn't matter if she's on the mortgage, she can be vacated from the marital home in your Plantiff filing for divorce. She is in violation of your marital contract and you should be the one to remain. Standard operating procedure in divorce. She has the income to afford another domacile. That's that, period. Unless you just want her to stay to see what happens, of course. Good luck with that.

 

You are armed for your meeting with the attorney. Plan to set up an informal mediation with her regarding finances and accounts. Here's how that will go: IT WILL GO EXACTLY YOUR WAY. OR, she and her boyfriend, (and perhaps HR) can answer interrogatories, and eventually be deposed. See how she likes them apples. I would recommend a fair settlement offer from your side that is "slightly" selfish, and have the papers available for her to sign on the spot. Yas

Edited August 7, 2013 by Yasuandio

[2sunny]

Download the papers from the Internet and fill them out. Waiting for the atty to give you forms just delays by days - or even weeks.

 

Then just fill in the areas you do have (dates of birth, ss numbers, property you wish to divide) and fill in the rest while you sit with that atty.

 

You COULD file it yourself that same day - then drop it off to the atty to have her served.

 

IF you wait for the atty - it takes a lot of time to fill out those papers - then he reviews - gives it to his secretary to type up (in a big pile) and then he calls you to sign - then it goes to the courthouse to be stamped. Then it takes 2-3 more days to be returned to his office. Two - three weeks to get her served is likely.

 

It's the long way around getting it in motion. You can go the shorter route and fill them out ahead of time and walk it over to the courthouse yourself.

 

But that's IF you plan to file now...

[revitup]

......................................