wife troubles...

[Jstub]

Dingo, let's take a different approach.

 

How attractive/ hot / sexy is your wife? They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, that might be true in a sense, but some women are just drop dead gorgeous and drive men crazy, no matter what. Is your wife one of these women? Don't be subjective - does your wife get tons of attention when she walks into a room? Are men constantly after her? If you know some of her past, have men put up with her crazy self centered attitude because they wanted to keep her, just because she was gorgeous?

 

Was that the reason why you married her even though you were not really sure that she was the one? Did she blow your mind in the bedroom?

 

I have very good reason to ask you this.

[dingo]

Obviously I am very attracted to my wife but she is not one of the women you describe.

 

I married her because I was attracted to her, had a lot of fun with her, thought we shared similar values and goals, thought she would make a good wife and mother and was someone I could spend my life with. We had good sex for a long period of our relationship but I would not say that she blew my mind. I obviously never saw her as crazy or self-centered in the past.

 

I am guessing that the point of this exercise is that given current circumstances, many of the above reasons aren't necessarily true anymore? Or perhaps that those characteristics arent difficult to find in other women?

 

With respect to the divorce, I am not, nor will ever be a vindictive person. I realize that what she did to me was a terrible betrayal but holding her hostage for that by demanding that I get more money in a settlement or embarrassing her and the OM at their jobs wont make me feel any better about what happened. I plan to do this with a little bit of class, despite the fact that she acted, and continues to act, completely without class.

[dingo]

Thanks for the support Cory. It seems that what's lost in all of this is the chaos of emotions that the WS is experiencing by having their affair outed and their marriage suddenly in real danger of an immediate collapse.

 

Its pretty easy to say 'they ****ed me over' and take a hard line, but nothing is really said about the fact that they also ****ed themselves over, what they go through emotionally and how us BSs should/should not be willing to work with them on it. Maybe more marriages could be saved (I know some of you don't think this is necessarily a worthy goal) with a more moderate line.

 

Before I get berated on this post, i am curious about the above for educational purposes.

Edited August 7, 2013 by dingo

[2sunny]

What is YOUR plan moving forward?

 

Do you intend to R or D?

[Yasuandio]

Like Homer says, iniating the "Legal Divorce" has nothing to do with the "Emotional Divorce.". Filing for the "Legal Divorce" is simply the responsible thig to do - since you "partner" is violated the marital contract. Once offered a proposal to renegotiate contract for reconciliation, your partner chose a position of stalling, or vasolating. Now it is up to you, Dingo, to decide if that is acceptable terms. You, as the other parter, take the risk, and bear the consequences - not us (so, don't worry about it, Mack, it's Dingo's Contract, not ours).

 

That said, Legal Divorce Process or no Legal Divorce Process, the "Emotional Divorce Process" carries on whether you like it or not. The Legal aspect only served as a device to demonstrate your strength and wisdom - that you are willing to walk away from the table when it comes to unproductive and/or unreasonable marital negotiations from opposing partner. Not that you have stated your position, if you back down, your credibility is deminished greatly. That is, I think one reason Mack is feeling a bit disappointed in you. He knows that this type of woman is going to squash you like a little cockroach.

 

Read the last three pages of your thread. One minute you become strong - and speak your mind, and you sound like you really mean business (I was convinced). The next, when your wife turns of the nice-nice, you get all "gooie," and sentimental. Then - start second guessing the literature by conveniently applying diversive thinking skills. Not that that is a bad thing.

 

But, I'm not convinced that this is the appropriate time for you to begin questioning or challenging the established research literature on women's infidelity. I would advise you to rather admit to yourself that you are gonna do it your way, and ignore some or all the advice and research you've been provided. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact - I witnessed a young lady ignore all of our suggestions, and she solved her own problem. Additionally, it appears in my own case that I ignored the basic fundamentals for such an extended period, that it just notifies me how many years I wasted. But I have a very hard-headed and stubborn.

 

Sometimes people just need to get a sounding board, and that is what LS is. Now many of us that have experience, and have done a lot of reading (maybe too much reading), myself included, sometimes, we think we know the answers to help you. We take the time to write it out, and God knows, all of us contribute in good faith to this site. But Dingo, you gotta do what you gotta do, Hon. Those are my ideas today for you. I do apologize if my thoughts are unorganized (I have only iPhone, and bad vision). Yas

Edited August 7, 2013 by Yasuandio

[dingo]

I appreciate the support Yas. You are exactly correct. While I cannot necessarily act on advice that I don't feel in my heart to be appropriate in my situation, does not mean that I don't see the value in and accept that advice.

 

Mack, I am sorry that you will not post here anymore. The four of you (Jstub, Yas, 2Sunny and yourself) have been absolutely wonderful to me and have given me a ton of wisdom and insight from your experiences. Your efforts are not at all wasted.

 

Use the analogy of a skydiver: someone who's done it once before doesnt hesitate at the door of the airplane and jumps right out while a first time jumper may experience a lot of hesitation and indecisiveness before they step out.

 

As you said Yas, the emotional divorce continues whether the legal one does or doesnt. What is true is that thanks to this board, I do see through many of her games and have resolved in myself not to cave unless I get exactly what i proposed (if even then). In the meantime, the emotional divorce will continue and one day I will have moved on. It occurs to me that it really doesn't make any difference if i legally divorce and then move on or if i move on before i get legally divorced. As long as I can keep myself on the process of moving on and not falter. Not saying this is my course of action but from a strictly academic argument, it seems to make sense.

 

Is it fair to expect that a BS should be 100% certain in the moment of ultimatum or is it fair to say that they may also have a lot of confusing emotions to deal with (regardless of whether they are in contact with the OM/W still or not) and may need a bit to sort them out? She has repeatedly said that she has a lot to think about. For now, she is home and I can't detect any shady behavior (which was easy to detect before, I just didnt know what it meant). She has also said that she looks at the OM as the person who (along with herself) was willing to destroy her marriage and has a different view of him. Bull****? Maybe, who's to say?

 

I also have done a lot of reading and am approaching this from an informed (but not necessarily experienced) perspective. However, as I said, there is virtually nothing describing the process that the WS goes through and that certainly presents a void in the understanding of affairs and infidelity. Sometimes I feel that I am approaching this as if it were a flow chart or a mechanical process. Its just not.

 

Lastly, each of us is different. Mack, you may claim to know this woman but the truth is you don't. Your experience, while similar (maybe even virtually identical) will not be mine. Regardless of whether i do everything exactly as you did, the outcome is not guaranteed to be the same.

 

The common thread I hear from all of you is that you got good advice from people on this board and regretted not heeding it immediately. I am obviously acting in that same vein, doing exactly what you did. Some of these lessons can only be learned from walking the whole road, even if you do guys offer instant transportation to the end of the road.

 

I will have to do this my way and I intended this board to be a place for me to post my thoughts and experience. I appreciate all of your efforts but please do not get frustrated with me for doing what I feel I have to do. Its no different than what you all did.

[2sunny]

What is YOUR plan moving forward?

 

Do you intend to R or D?

 

I still can't tell what your plan is...can you tell us?

 

What solid evidence do you have that your wife is owning her bad behavior? Looks like (from your post) that she's still blaming the OM - which isn't a REAL sign that SHE'S changing herself.

[Yasuandio]

I still can't tell what your plan is...can you tell us?

 

What solid evidence do you have that your wife is owning her bad behavior? Looks like (from your post) that she's still blaming the OM - which isn't a REAL sign that SHE'S changing herself.

 

Hey,wasup, 2sunny?

 

Hon, forget R or C, they are as relevant as R & B. Owning bad behavior is down the tubes too. It's all kissy-face time now, like it never happened. Whenever a poster with an issue of this nature pulls a left turn, and gets quiet suddenly, you can bet it is springtime for the rabbits. It's better that way sometimes.

 

Dingo is going all "Frank Sinatra," - he's gonna do it hisssssssss wayyyyyyyyy.

 

"Making up is hard to do." And you never know, Dingo might just have the perfect push-pull mechanics happening here. She certainly did come to Atten-TION, when Dingo stood his ground. Maybe a few Stiff Salutes will shift her fanny into Forward March, and make her fly right. We'll see. We got to lay off for now, and just man the watch tower. That's all we can do. And be here if he needs us. 10-4. Yas

Edited August 8, 2013 by Yasuandio

[2sunny]

Id like to hear it from him Yas.

 

I'd like to understand WHY his shift in attitude seems evasive now.

 

I'd like for him to write it out - EXACTLY what she's been doing to PROVE she's worthy of trusting, now...

 

There's value in writing it down.

[Yasuandio]

I don't disagree with you 2Sunny. But I feel like I am getting a cyinide complexion. I need a break from LS. I accept the heart does what the heart wants to do - and there are no words, and proof is suddenly not necessary for lovers to love, even through betrayal - at least, sometimes, temporarily.

 

I hope you are well, sweets. Yas

[Jstub]

It's true. He will do what he wants to do.

 

2sunny - I bet he doesn't know what he really wants at this point. He is confused. Reality and wishful thinking are getting mixed up. There is nothing wrong with that. With that said, No matter how many parallels we see in his situation and ours / others, his can be slightly different and that slight difference may save his marriage. For some of the readers, that marriage might not be worth saving, but if the OP wants that, then more power to him.

 

I will keep an eye on this thread and hope for the best. To be honest, I don't have a good feeling, but who am I to judge. Best of luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

However, as I said, there is virtually nothing describing the process that the WS goes through and that certainly presents a void in the understanding of affairs and infidelity.

Actually, the WS doesn't go through a process since they're the one making decisions, choosing options and deciding what course to take. And they have the advantage of doing all this while fully informed - they know how they feel, how the BS feels and (in your case) how the OM feels.

 

It's the BS that get processed, drug unwillingly into a situation where they get to see their life shredded with very little say in the outcome. And while this happens they're kept in the dark. How does the WS really feel? Don't know. What does the OM want? No idea.

 

Want to see who's driving the bus in your situation? Tell your wife to quit her job, stop seeing the OM and start MC immediately, three very reasonable requests if she's going to prioritize the recovery of your marriage from her infidelity. Let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

Actually, the WS doesn't go through a process since they're the one making decisions, choosing options and deciding what course to take. And they have the advantage of doing all this while fully informed - they know how they feel, how the BS feels and (in your case) how the OM feels.

 

It's the BS that get processed, drug unwillingly into a situation where they get to see their life shredded with very little say in the outcome. And while this happens they're kept in the dark. How does the WS really feel? Don't know. What does the OM want? No idea.

 

Want to see who's driving the bus in your situation? Tell your wife to quit her job, stop seeing the OM and start MC immediately, three very reasonable requests if she's going to prioritize the recovery of your marriage from her infidelity. Let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree.

 

As long as you keep handing her all your power - she will continue her cheating.

 

Bottom line is - she's still had no real consequences.

 

She's not sorry she cheated - she just sorry she got caught. Now she's in major "manipulating you mode" so she can still hold all the power and control.

[dingo]

papers arrived in the mail yesterday and were opened when we got home from work.

 

Holy hell - cornered wildcat comes to mind....

[2sunny]

papers arrived in the mail yesterday and were opened when we got home from work.

 

Holy hell - cornered wildcat comes to mind....

 

Can you elaborate?

 

Ae you saying divorce papers? And what was discussed? What is YOUR plan moving forward?

 

And who is "we"?

[dingo]

yes i am.

 

We have a similar work schedule so arrive home at generally the same time most days.

 

we will begin discussing how we'll divide property and accounts tomorrow evening. I am going kayaking with a group of friends tomorrow during the day and meeting up with an out of town friend on Sunday.

 

My plan is to do this with class and integrity.

[2sunny]

And what did she say?

[dingo]

she was pissed off and said she thought I had agreed to give her a chance to work things out. I told her that I gave her a few weeks and didnt sense any sincerity, had discussed with her in unequivocal terms what I needed from her to stay in it and didnt receive what I asked for. That I finally had had enough of the back and forth drama and decided it was time to take care of myself and move on.

 

She snatched my pillow out from under my head and slept in the guest room.

 

I haven't spoken with her yet today

[Jstub]

You are in the driver seat now. How does it feel?

 

This is not a power game by any means - you are just making a very clear statement and showing her consequences for her actions. Good for you! ultimately, you are standing up for yourself!

 

She may wake up and step into the real world. Be very careful - don't buy any bs.

[Yasuandio]

Forward march, Dingo! I salute you.

 

Now, DO NOT fall for her sex offer - no matter what. Having sex with her is called "forgiveness" under the law. In other words, if you have sex with her, you have effectively forgiven her adultery (only according to the law). And her adultry will always be a non-issue really.

 

I realize you expect a regular, normal, mediation conclusion to your marriage, no-fault most likely is the easiest way to go, and probably what your attorney recommended (without grounds - then you don't have to prove anything). But you always want to keep this Ace in your back pocket, just in case she decides to be a B.

 

Also, once you have sex, you technically have to file your lawsuit again. And you would not want her to re-file before you - with proof you had sex. Just don't do it - if you don't want to have to re-file for divorce. Little points of law that people sometimes don't know about. Consider yourself informed.

 

Hope you didn't have a stiff neck today without your pillow last night! Have a great time kayaking. Yas

[2sunny]

That's great news that you are now standing up for YOUR best interest!

[dingo]

Ill admit it feels like a load off my back. Good to be in the drivers seat but not great. Still regret that we got to this point but cant undo the past.

[Jstub]

Ill admit it feels like a load off my back. Good to be in the drivers seat but not great. Still regret that we got to this point but cant undo the past.

 

Dingo... this is one of the hardest things to do. It doesn't matter that you know it is the right thing to do, it still breaks your heart. It is indeed very sad that you got to that point, but it is what it is. Once you start processing all the feelings that come with this, you will start feeling as if more and more weight is being lifted. Don't expect to be on top of the world every day, it will always sting... "the what if" will loom around for a while, until your emotions(for her) are nearly dead. Just know that, it will get better and better in time. Stay strong buddy.

[aliveagain]

If she is truly remorseful she will choose you and the marriage, if she isn't you just saved a lot of time and heartache, now you know where she really stands. She has to make a decision because you backed up your ultimatum by taking action. This is as serious as a heart attack, and just as real. This is about getting to the truth and gaining you some respect. You did good.

[2sunny]

If she is truly remorseful she will choose you and the marriage, if she isn't you just saved a lot of time and heartache, now you know where she really stands. She has to make a decision because you backed up your ultimatum by taking action. This is as serious as a heart attack, and just as real. This is about getting to the truth and gaining you some respect. You did good.

 

She's made a decision - and so has he.

 

She didn't take the opportunity he gave her to change.