Confident, yet so insecure

[czen]

Objectively speaking, I am a pretty great guy. I look good, am really smart, succesful with geting women and also somewhat succesful with holding onto them. Also am quite knowledgeable about the world and my friends always come to me when they need advice regarding anything. Everybody also likes hanging out with me. Friends also tell me I appear pretty confident and sure about myself. I also think I am a prety great guy.

 

But on the other hand, I also have this feeling I need to prove myself all the time. Like when I meet this girl, and she's not into me, I don't think like "Well, you can't win them all", I'm like "What?! No way...what did I do wrong? I need to perform better!".

Also when I get 'insulted' like when someone tells me I'm not that good-looking or smart, I often get a bit shook up about it and feel the need to start presenting a list of all my accomplishments to prove them wrong. It's like my normal aura of confidence suddenly gets a few cracks then.

 

It's like when someone doubts me, I immediately feel the need to show them wrong. But it's not how I want to be. I want to be more like "Okay. That's your opinion." and then just carry on with being awesome.

 

Anyone have any tips on accomplishing this?

[Philosoraptor]

I'd say you have a pretty good thought about yourself, but you're not confident in it. When I was a teenager I was the same way. I thought I was awesome, but I was too worried about what other people thought.

 

I just decided that it didn't matter what other people thought (because it really didn't) and I was happy with myself. Validation from others isn't important, if you're happy with yourself you will attract the right type of people into your life.

[czen]

I just decided that it didn't matter what other people thought (because it really didn't) and I was happy with myself. Validation from others isn't important, if you're happy with yourself you will attract the right type of people into your life.

And did you do anything special to accomplish that, or was it just a change of mindset and then managing to hold onto it?

[Philosoraptor]

And did you do anything special to accomplish that, or was it just a change of mindset and then managing to hold onto it?

Everything is mindset. Ask yourself why someone else's opinion of you should have any relevance to your own self worth? Not everyone is going to like you. And those who don't like you just the way you are really aren't the people you want to be associating with anyways.

[czen]

Everything is mindset. Ask yourself why someone else's opinion of you should have any relevance to your own self worth? Not everyone is going to like you. And those who don't like you just the way you are really aren't the people you want to be associating with anyways.

Hmm, very true. The last year or so I've been saying a lot that "I don't care what people think about me!" and my actions are true to that statement. Except when someone seems to have a line of thinking about me which doesn't align with mine, I've only recently noticed this behavior.

 

I'll try to catch myself the next time I start doing this insecure behavior and then remind myself of that statement and ask your questions and hopefully I'll just be able to let go, after some practice.

[jphcbpa]

Great observation and awareness that you are picking up on this...way to be.

 

Our egos get so wrapped up in other people validation and approval. Try to learn to detach with love and let go. No need to defend.

 

If I recall "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle covers the ego quite a bit.

 

Could also be a trait of a people pleasure??

[czen]

Great observation and awareness that you are picking up on this...way to be.

 

Our egos get so wrapped up in other people validation and approval. Try to learn to detach with love and let go. No need to defend.

 

If I recall "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle covers the ego quite a bit.

 

Could also be a trait of a people pleasure??

 

I'll go and read that book, thanks for the tip.

 

But I don't think it's a trait of a people's pleaser, even if those kind of people are often insecure too. I mean, they try to make other people have a good time, whilst it often comes at expense of themselves. Whilst I'm more busy with creating an argument just to prove to people that they are wrong about me, so I can get some validation from others. It's kind of the polar opposite, even though both are born from insecurity.

That's how I see it anyway.

[ZX4]

You have confidence, but not self-esteem.

 

Self esteem is staying power; it’s the pat on your back that you need to keep moving forward in life with confidence.

 

But confidence, on the other hand, is essentially assurance; a seemingly natural sense of "knowing".

 

You know you're attractive

 

You know you have a pretty accurate outlook on life

 

You know that you are an awesome dude

 

But what you lack is drive, and staying power needed to fuel that confidence.

 

It's like having a new shiny car, with no gas. It looks good, you know it drives well, but it's not going anywhere.

 

Being happy, or content with how you look or perform wont help you with feeling like you're coming up short, or being rejected; because you cant sit and analyze that chicks thoughts.

 

You dont know what she is thinking, and why she isn't into you, and so that information gap brings on anxiety.

 

I would suggest you work on being aware of your thoughts directly after you get rejected; what kind of mental conversation are you having with yourself? What are the exact words you use?

[Heart of the Desert]

I pulled this Cherokee story from the web

A group of Cherokee children has gathered around their grandfather. They are filled with excitement and curiousity. That day there had been a quite tumultuous conflict between two adults and their grandfather was called to mediate. The children are eager to hear what he has to say about it.

 

One of the children pops the question that puzzles him. “Grandfather, why do people fight?”. “Well” the old man replies “we all have two wolves inside us, you see. They are in our chest. And these wolves are constantly fighting each other”. The eyes of the children have grown big by now. “In our chests too, grandfather?” asks another child. “And in your chest too?” asks a third one. He nods, “yes, in my chest too”. He surely has their attention now. Grandfather continues. “There is a white wolf and a black wolf. The black wolf is filled with fear, anger, envy, jealousy, greed, and arrogance. The white wolf is filled with peace, love, hope, courage, humility, compassion, and faith. They battle constantly”. Then he stops. It’s the child that asked the initial question that can’t handle the tension anymore. “But grandfather, which wolf wins?”. The old Cherokee simply replies, “the one that we feed”.

 

 

I personaly feel like we will always have a voice inside of us telling us we are not good enough, we need to prove our selves to the world ect ect... It is all about how we learn to live with these aspects of our psychy. As an example: If we needlessly chase a someone who rejects us just to prove that we can be loved then we are feeding the "Black wolf". This can lead to self hatred and resentment. But if we hear those thoughts and chose to move on, knowing that thier lack of interest does not mean we are unlovable, we give ourselves the room to be imperfect and from this comes compassion and humility. We feed the "White wolf". Likewise, thinking that being good looking, inteligent, and sucessful are that only things that give us worth or make us a good human, well...What wolf do you think that feeds?

The black wolf will always be there, knocking at your door looking for food. Kindly decline.

Edited September 7, 2013 by Heart of the Desert

[mea_M]

Objectively speaking, I am a pretty great guy. I look good, am really smart, succesful with geting women and also somewhat succesful with holding onto them. Also am quite knowledgeable about the world and my friends always come to me when they need advice regarding anything. Everybody also likes hanging out with me. Friends also tell me I appear pretty confident and sure about myself. I also think I am a prety great guy.

 

Czen, I sense you know all these things above and that you are all these things mentioned above. However, I also sense that YOU need to BELIEVE them. If YOU deeply believe that you are smart, good looking and a good guy then you won't care so much about what others think. Work on reinforcing these great things about you and celebrating you. Forget what everyone thinks just for now and see what happens. See the clarity that will come.

 

Mea:)