Trying to a friend get dates and it's not working

[hppr]

This is a longtime friend of mine, we ride bikes together every couple of weeks. Other guys love this dude, they think he is hilarious, fun, and they all think that he gets tons and tons of girls...but he doesn't. He's 28 and hasn't been laid in years, probably since early college when he had his last girlfriend.

 

When I didn't get dates it was because I was shy, kind of a slob, out of shape, etc etc. But this guy is:

 

In shape

Dresses well

Outgoing, friendly/not shy at all

Funny

As far as I can tell he doesn't have any 'ugly' characteristics

 

It's not that he gets friend zoned...he doesn't even get that far. Most of the time he doesn't get past the first date.

 

The women I've tried to set him up with are zero help, they just say 'no attraction' but won't say why and when I told him to be a bit forward (figured he wasn't making a move) the girl called me up and said she's never going out with that ***hole from my work again lol.

 

Thoughts?

 

I'm totally at a loss here, this is a good friend of mine and I want to help him out but nothing is working.

[hppr]

First and foremost, let me help you correct the title you slaughtered:

 

"Trying to get a friend dates, but it's not working"

 

Could I ask you if he has been complaining to you about how his sex life sucks?

 

If he hasn't, I don't understand what the big deal is. Maybe he doesn't care.

 

Yeah I know I got the title wrong, I tried to publish it 3 times with "Trying to help a friend get dates but nothing is working, thoughts?" and it kept saying that it had words which are not allowed on this forum. I'll try to edit it into something more coherent if I can.

 

As for him he asked me for help. He's the kind of guy who always makes like everything is on the up and up but he's secretly kind of sad and lonely. Maybe women are picking up on that, I don't know, but they sure as hell don't want to date him.

[oldshirt]

I had an old buddy like that, only he wasn't particular handsome or tall, just average in ht,wt, dress and looks etc, just an average 'nice guy,' but I wasn't trying to set him up with super models either.

 

His problem was he didn't have any intermediate steps. Meaning he would just sit there with an uncomfortable, forced smile and was poor at talking to them and then all of a sudden he would pounce on them out of the blue.

 

There was no meaningful conversation, no personal rapport, no flirtation, no banter, no seduction, no nothing. He would go from 0 to 60 in heart beat and it freaked people out and sometimes pissed them off.

 

When he was with us guys he was jovial, interactive, joking, adventurous, etc etc but once he got around a girl, it was just like someone flipped a switch and he just sat there and didn't really interact with her until he would try to make one big move out of the blue.

 

Any chance your friend is like that? He may just need to learn some game and learn that all the intermediate steps between, "hello" and trying to cram his tongue down someone's throat are very critical.

[hppr]

Wonder what the complaints are that he received from these women he's dated?

 

They won't tell me the truth just the usual "he's nice BUT" cop-out. So I don't know.

 

Also, married women like him and I know of at least a couple who have straight up offered him sex at work.

 

Basically single women his age are utterly repulsed by him and I can't figure it out.

[hppr]

I had an old buddy like that, only he wasn't particular handsome or tall, just average in ht,wt, dress and looks etc, just an average 'nice guy,' but I wasn't trying to set him up with super models either.

 

His problem was he didn't have any intermediate steps. Meaning he would just sit there with an uncomfortable, forced smile and was poor at talking to them and then all of a sudden he would pounce on them out of the blue.

 

There was no meaningful conversation, no personal rapport, no flirtation, no banter, no seduction, no nothing. He would go from 0 to 60 in heart beat and it freaked people out and sometimes pissed them off.

 

When he was with us guys he was jovial, interactive, joking, adventurous, etc etc but once he got around a girl, it was just like someone flipped a switch and he just sat there and didn't really interact with her until he would try to make one big move out of the blue.

 

Any chance your friend is like that? He may just need to learn some game and learn that all the intermediate steps between, "hello" and trying to cram his tongue down someone's throat are very critical.

 

Distinct possibility.

 

I also think women look at him like the sidekick/comedy relief rather than the hero if that makes sense.

 

Just wish one of these broads I've introduced him would tell me what it is about him that they don't like rather than the polite 'he's nice BUT' crap.

[colejack]

It seems like I’m in a similar position as your friend, except I can’t get any feedback, nor have I been on many dates recently. That could be the biggest problem – the lack of volume. I don’t try to exaggerate my life and make everything seem great, but I try to be optimistic despite the fact that I can have some sad and lonely times. I believe I’ve learned to do that pretty well too, so it’s hard for me to imagine that women would pick up on and be turned off that in private he can be sad sometimes. If that’s the case then who stands a chance? We’re all sad sometimes. It’s how we deal with it that matters.

 

It’s interesting that you told him to be more forward and his date ended up thinking he was an a-hole. It could be what another poster mentioned; he goes from 0 to 60 with nothing in between.

 

I’ll keep thinking and paying attention to this thread, as this interests me too. I’ve been trying to go through everything but all I can gather from my failures is a stunted ability to read signs of interest (which, once you have a date, should be less important), a potential “air” I might indirectly give off, and a lot of really bad luck. It’s all very murky and not all that insightful, hah.

[hppr]

I’ve been trying to go through everything but all I can gather from my failures is a stunted ability to read signs of interest (which, once you have a date, should be less important), a potential “air” I might indirectly give off, and a lot of really bad luck. It’s all very murky and not all that insightful, hah.

 

I feel for you brother I really do.

 

I know what it's like to have a run of bad luck like that, it sucks the big one. Women have no idea what it's like and most guys won't either unless they have been there, in which case they won't admit it out of shame.

 

This guy has me totally stumped though since every body who knows him thinks that he should be cleaning up with the ladies and he's not. He can't get the time of day out of them and I have to twist their arms, promise free drinks/I'll get the cover charges whatever just to have them go on a double date with me, my old lady, and him. But the married women can't get enough of him and shamelessly follow him around, tell him to his face they want a fling, that they wished they'd married him.

 

Hopefully it's just a case of meeting the 'wrong ones' because otherwise this guy is going to have to marry his porn collection or have sex with housewives.

[colejack]

I feel for you brother I really do.

 

I know what it's like to have a run of bad luck like that, it sucks the big one. Women have no idea what it's like and most guys won't either unless they have been there, in which case they won't admit it out of shame.

 

Eh, maybe, but women have their own problems. Like, I don't need to worry that a new date might potentially be violent and abusive. Imagine going out alone with a thing almost twice the size of you that you stand NO chance against if he got aggressive. That's kinda scary, hence why I feel bad for women, even if they might not get my troubles.

 

This guy has me totally stumped though since every body who knows him thinks that he should be cleaning up with the ladies and he's not. He can't get the time of day out of them and I have to twist their arms, promise free drinks/I'll get the cover charges whatever just to have them go on a double date with me, my old lady, and him. But the married women can't get enough of him and shamelessly follow him around, tell him to his face they want a fling, that they wished they'd married him.

 

Hopefully it's just a case of meeting the 'wrong ones' because otherwise this guy is going to have to marry his porn collection or have sex with housewives.

 

Are these dates totally blind or do the women express some kind of attraction to him when they see his pictures? It seems like they don't want to do it to begin with. If that's the case, then of course the dates are going to go nowhere. I'd say he needs to find women that are at least attracted to him first. Even the most attractive guys are only going to attract a certain percentage of women since the others are into other types of guys.

[hppr]

Are these dates totally blind or do the women express some kind of attraction to him when they see his pictures? It seems like they don't want to do it to begin with.

 

It wasn't a blind date thing they knew who he was. It's sort of a borderline thing, they are kind of into him, and kind of not. The more I think about it the more what Oldshirt posted make sense.

[fortyninethousand322]

I had an old buddy like that, only he wasn't particular handsome or tall, just average in ht,wt, dress and looks etc, just an average 'nice guy,' but I wasn't trying to set him up with super models either.

 

His problem was he didn't have any intermediate steps. Meaning he would just sit there with an uncomfortable, forced smile and was poor at talking to them and then all of a sudden he would pounce on them out of the blue.

 

There was no meaningful conversation, no personal rapport, no flirtation, no banter, no seduction, no nothing. He would go from 0 to 60 in heart beat and it freaked people out and sometimes pissed them off.

 

When he was with us guys he was jovial, interactive, joking, adventurous, etc etc but once he got around a girl, it was just like someone flipped a switch and he just sat there and didn't really interact with her until he would try to make one big move out of the blue.

 

Any chance your friend is like that? He may just need to learn some game and learn that all the intermediate steps between, "hello" and trying to cram his tongue down someone's throat are very critical.

 

Yup. This 100%. Not to the exact details, but definitely the "flip the switch" part.

[El Brujo]

This is a longtime friend of mine, we ride bikes together every couple of weeks. Other guys love this dude, they think he is hilarious, fun, and they all think that he gets tons and tons of girls...but he doesn't. He's 28 and hasn't been laid in years, probably since early college when he had his last girlfriend.

 

When I didn't get dates it was because I was shy, kind of a slob, out of shape, etc etc. But this guy is:

 

In shape

Dresses well

Outgoing, friendly/not shy at all

Funny

As far as I can tell he doesn't have any 'ugly' characteristics

 

It's not that he gets friend zoned...he doesn't even get that far. Most of the time he doesn't get past the first date.

 

The women I've tried to set him up with are zero help, they just say 'no attraction' but won't say why and when I told him to be a bit forward (figured he wasn't making a move) the girl called me up and said she's never going out with that ***hole from my work again lol.

 

Thoughts?

 

I'm totally at a loss here, this is a good friend of mine and I want to help him out but nothing is working.

 

There are few things that can drive a wedge between friends worse than one trying to fix the other up with a date.

 

My friend John (not his real name) used to date women who weren't all that attractive, but mostly they all had wet-blanket personalities. Then he made the mistake of marrying one and his life was a hell for the next 9 years until he divorced her. Now he pulls a long lip and he mopes that he wishes he'd been as picky as I am.

 

Yeah, the 4 women I've dated in my life were good horror-fiction fodder... but I thank my God in heaven that I never let John fix me up with any of his "finds". That would have REALLY been going from bad to worse.