NC must be payback for the breadcrumbs...

[sadwithouthim]

I'm the MW, and OM initiated NC on 7-7. I keep wondering if he has any idea how hurtful this is to me. But, then I think why would he care? My scraps of time were probably hurtful all those years.

 

This feels awful. I've been strong. I can't believe I haven't contacted him, 25 days now. I'm thinking I should delete my email, so I'm not constantly checking. It really is enough to drive a person insane. I'm hardly eating, but really trying to take care of myself. I was supposed to make so many positive changes, but I've mostly just wallowed. I need to pull myself out of it, before it gets any worse. I'm going to make myself start exercising.

[LimeBlue]

Same situation, except with a friend. I think he was feeling things were too intense between us and he asked for NC so he can get his head right (he is in a LDR). He broke NC this week and it has made me very confused, especially as my marriage is not great at the moment. He told me he hopes to see me soon, and he felt I was avoiding him but I said I am not avoiding him but doing as we had discussed (NC). I do not know how a man asks for NC but then when I abide by it he worries I am avoiding him? But now we seem to be NC again. We started NC in first week of July, so are on the same timeline as you. I think I am doing ok, so far. Miss him though

[hippetyhop]

I'm in the same boat.

 

I got a crappy response to my NC email to my xMM. I thought that was it. Now he's been contacting me seeing what I meant by a line in my email, I followed by telling him I can't do any type of relationship until he's divorced, then another email following if we could be friends (keep the physical out). I am going to tell him I need my space. I think he's finally either missing me, or missing my entertainment knowing he's home with her and nobody to complain to (not in regards to their marriage--but his work and other stuff).

 

I don't think he clearly thinks about the situation. I don't think he knows how much it hurts. I don't think he knows I'm serious about me not being involved with him unless he's divorced. He knows he can have it good with me, but he is opting not to.

 

I miss him dearly though. I feel lost without him. It is very hard not to have contact with him. He's a great friend.

[Goodbye]

I'm the MW, and OM initiated NC on 7-7. I keep wondering if he has any idea how hurtful this is to me. But, then I think why would he care? My scraps of time were probably hurtful all those years.

 

This feels awful. I've been strong. I can't believe I haven't contacted him, 25 days now. I'm thinking I should delete my email, so I'm not constantly checking. It really is enough to drive a person insane. I'm hardly eating, but really trying to take care of myself. I was supposed to make so many positive changes, but I've mostly just wallowed. I need to pull myself out of it, before it gets any worse. I'm going to make myself start exercising.

 

 

I am an exOW to a MM and yes, some of my motivation behind not responding to his "bread crumbs" is to show him AND myself that I'm worth more than bread crumbs. It is incredibly painful to be involved with a married person if you want more than just sex. Yes, yes...I know...the whole "you asked for it from the start." Let the NC give you the space to move on and let your exOM have the space to find a new life with someone who can spend it with him.

[grassisorisntgreener]

If my OM initiated NC (which I think is coming, I know he is tired of waiting for me), I would/will be devastated. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I could actually go more than a day without saying something. We work together (different buildings) and I feel like I'd probably send a stupid work related email in hopes of SOME reply.

 

Stay strong... I can't imagine how hard it must be <3

[LimeBlue]

We should start a same boat club. I keep trying to put on brave face, but this is killing me more than ever deep down inside.

[Lillyfree]

This might seem harsh OP, but you seem extremely self-centered.

 

if your OM wants a real relationship with you, and you want it too and are miserable in your marriage, why don't you divorce and be with him? Instead of blaming him for wanting to be out of a situation that brings nothing but toxicity to his life.

[hippetyhop]

This might seem harsh OP, but you seem extremely self-centered.

 

if your OM wants a real relationship with you, and you want it too and are miserable in your marriage, why don't you divorce and be with him? Instead of blaming him for wanting to be out of a situation that brings nothing but toxicity to his life.

 

This was my exact reason for ending the A.

[fanine]

This might seem harsh OP, but you seem extremely self-centered.

 

if your OM wants a real relationship with you, and you want it too and are miserable in your marriage, why don't you divorce and be with him? Instead of blaming him for wanting to be out of a situation that brings nothing but toxicity to his life.

 

I would agree. The whole point you are not together is that YOU cannot give your OM what he would desire. So you are feeling sorry for yourself. You want him to put up with a half relationship - while you have a home life and him as well? If it makes you so sad, then you are the only one that can change this.

 

If you cared for him enough you would realise why he is hurting - because of you and your lack of action. Surely if you love someone enough the most important thing is you want that person to be happy? Would anyone really be happy being the side dish? You want him to continue in a situation that will harm him emotionally and possibly physically?

 

I can imagine how he is hurting. Because you cannot make up your mind what you want in your life.

[Lillyfree]

This was my exact reason for ending the A.

 

But you've made a decision. OP has had a decision made for her, and she's still blaming that person with no regard to what they might be going/have gone trough. A real poo or get of the pot case here, and nothing else.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I would agree. The whole point you are not together is that YOU cannot give your OM what he would desire. So you are feeling sorry for yourself. You want him to put up with a half relationship - while you have a home life and him as well? If it makes you so sad, then you are the only one that can change this.

 

If you cared for him enough you would realise why he is hurting - because of you and your lack of action. Surely if you love someone enough the most important thing is you want that person to be happy? Would anyone really be happy being the side dish? You want him to continue in a situation that will harm him emotionally and possibly physically?

 

I can imagine how he is hurting. Because you cannot make up your mind what you want in your life.

 

The OP is hurting. That's why she posted. She didn't say she wants him to be miserable, of course she wants him to be happy. My goodness.

 

I guess I relate closely with her because I am in an unhappy marriage too. Problem is, my husband is perfectly happy with what we have. How exactly do you tell a man that wants nothing more than all your love, that you just don't have those feelings anymore? Should it be said..YES..but it isn't EASY... if you haven't been in the situation, I think it's really harsh to call the OP self centered. Isn't that what we are all doing here...telling our feelings? We can't help how we feel...it's an emotion, not a choice. Sheesh.

[Lillyfree]

The OP is hurting. That's why she posted. She didn't say she wants him to be miserable, of course she wants him to be happy. My goodness.

 

I guess I relate closely with her because I am in an unhappy marriage too. Problem is, my husband is perfectly happy with what we have. How exactly do you tell a man that wants nothing more than all your love, that you just don't have those feelings anymore? Should it be said..YES..but it isn't EASY... if you haven't been in the situation, I think it's really harsh to call the OP self centered. Isn't that what we are all doing here...telling our feelings? We can't help how we feel...it's an emotion, not a choice. Sheesh.

 

FYI, I'm a fmw. And yes, it is all about choice.

[fanine]

The OP is hurting. That's why she posted. She didn't say she wants him to be miserable, of course she wants him to be happy. My goodness.

 

I guess I relate closely with her because I am in an unhappy marriage too. Problem is, my husband is perfectly happy with what we have. How exactly do you tell a man that wants nothing more than all your love, that you just don't have those feelings anymore? Should it be said..YES..but it isn't EASY... if you haven't been in the situation, I think it's really harsh to call the OP self centered. Isn't that what we are all doing here...telling our feelings? We can't help how we feel...it's an emotion, not a choice. Sheesh.

 

I was in an unhappy marriage. I did not have those feelings anymore. I felt it was more harsh though to stay with him and live a lie. I did not want to get in a position where I would end up cheating on him. So I ended it before he got even more hurt - which he would have been if I had cheated.

 

Yes it bloody well was tough. We had been together 9 years. I was 39 - I risked losing the chance to have kids and knew I would find it harder at my age to find someone to be with. It took me a long time to get over it too, I was upset. But I knew for both of us it was the best thing.

 

How I could live with him and pretend I loved him? Yes I knew it hurt him to end it, but it would have killed him if I had had an affair - which most people do find out about in the end. That would have really really hurt him. So just because he loved me, I pretend I love him and then to stick the knife in even further by going off with another man when I feel like it and then come home to him??? No way.

 

The marriage was not good for me and it certainly wasn't for him. He deserved to find a woman that did truly love him - what right did I have to stay with him and live a lie and deny him real happiness??

 

The fact is now 4 years down the line we are friends. We live in different countries now and we have both moved on.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I was in an unhappy marriage. I did not have those feelings anymore. I felt it was more harsh though to stay with him and live a lie. I did not want to get in a position where I would end up cheating on him. So I ended it before he got even more hurt - which he would have been if I had cheated.

 

Yes it bloody well was tough. We had been together 9 years. I was 39 - I risked losing the chance to have kids and knew I would find it harder at my age to find someone to be with. It took me a long time to get over it too, I was upset. But I knew for both of us it was the best thing.

 

How I could live with him and pretend I loved him? Yes I knew it hurt him to end it, but it would have killed him if I had had an affair - which most people do find out about in the end. That would have really really hurt him. So just because he loved me, I pretend I love him and then to stick the knife in even further by going off with another man when I feel like it and then come home to him??? No way.

 

The marriage was not good for me and it certainly wasn't for him. He deserved to find a woman that did truly love him - what right did I have to stay with him and live a lie and deny him real happiness??

 

The fact is now 4 years down the line we are friends. We live in different countries now and we have both moved on.

 

How did you tell him? Mine is going to freak out and be a mess. It's scary.

[fanine]

How did you tell him? Mine is going to freak out and be a mess. It's scary.

 

It isn't easy. I was deeply unhappy but wanted to try and work on it. He didn't seem to have a clue that I was not happy. We didn't really fight, we weren't on really bad terms, but it was not enough for me.

So I decided to at least try and talk properly to him. We did that, we talked, I said what was making me unhappy. He took some of it in, he was having work difficulties and was a bit depressed, and I tried to suggest ways too to get him back in the loop so to speak. This was having a bit of a strain on our relationship.

He took some of this in, but then he was a bit difficult after then, not happy that I had said I was not happy. I tried working on it, but 3 months down the line he was away for a few days. He came back and I sat down with him and said it was over.

 

It was truly horrible. He protested. I had to try and not cry. I knew deep down though I had to go through it. He got angry, I was really really upset inside....

 

We then lived in the same flat for about a week in separate bedrooms as he sorted out what he would do. I guess we were lucky he had family in another country to go to, as he went there for a bit. We had a bit of contact, but I knew I had to be firm and not also not try and give him any false hopes.

 

I did feel like **** as no way did I want to hurt him. But I felt I would hurt him more in the long term by staying with him....

 

So I do understand what it is like to be in an unhappy marriage - but I really really did not want to involve anyone else in this by having an affair, and I did not want to do this to a man that though I had fallen out of love with, was still someone I cared very much about...

[fanine]

I just want to say I don't mean to sound harsh. But I guess also I have also just been involved with a xMM who lied to me at first that he was in fact married.....I would not have got involved with him if I had known that in the first place.

I have gone NC. I am sure he is feeling sorry for himself too, but he will not sort out his unhappy marriage. I cannot live a half life with him, having to always work around his married life and kids, being felt like I have to be a secret. Sacrificing my chance to have a real family and share a home with someone.

He could sort out his marriage and be with me but he chooses not to. That is his decision, and if he is hurting then well he is the only one that can stop that hurt...and in the meantime he is living with a woman whom he doesnt really love, and frankly treats rather badly. Surely she deserves to have a good life as well? If he does not love her then he should let her be free to meet someone who will really appreciate her and love her and care for her and won't cheat on her. In the long run she will be more happy, rather than living with a man who is lying to her all the time....

[Goodbye]

I just want to say I don't mean to sound harsh. But I guess also I have also just been involved with a xMM who lied to me at first that he was in fact married.....I would not have got involved with him if I had known that in the first place.

I have gone NC. I am sure he is feeling sorry for himself too, but he will not sort out his unhappy marriage. I cannot live a half life with him, having to always work around his married life and kids, being felt like I have to be a secret. Sacrificing my chance to have a real family and share a home with someone.

He could sort out his marriage and be with me but he chooses not to. That is his decision, and if he is hurting then well he is the only one that can stop that hurt...and in the meantime he is living with a woman whom he doesnt really love, and frankly treats rather badly. Surely she deserves to have a good life as well? If he does not love her then he should let her be free to meet someone who will really appreciate her and love her and care for her and won't cheat on her. In the long run she will be more happy, rather than living with a man who is lying to her all the time....

 

 

Fanine, I can really relate with what you've said. I, too, extricated myself from an unhappy marriage...which was THE most difficult and honest thing I've done. To leave a marriage not because of some major event, but because it simply was not and could not be fulfilling enough. Both exH and I healed and moved on and then I found myself involved with a MM who represented himself as divorcing. Yeah, well that wasn't the case and I got so tired of hearing all the excuses as to why HIS situation was so unique that it was terribly difficult to initiate the process of leaving. It was really insulting to me after all I'd been through in my own marriage. I still can't believe I ended up in that mess. Thank god I got out and am healing, not accepting bread crumbs from a chicken married man.

[fanine]

Fanine, I can really relate with what you've said. I, too, extricated myself from an unhappy marriage...which was THE most difficult and honest thing I've done. To leave a marriage not because of some major event, but because it simply was not and could not be fulfilling enough. Both exH and I healed and moved on and then I found myself involved with a MM who represented himself as divorcing. Yeah, well that wasn't the case and I got so tired of hearing all the excuses as to why HIS situation was so unique that it was terribly difficult to initiate the process of leaving. It was really insulting to me after all I'd been through in my own marriage. I still can't believe I ended up in that mess. Thank god I got out and am healing, not accepting bread crumbs from a chicken married man.

 

What I don't understand is how I was so strong to extricate myself from an unhappy marriage, and have the courage to do that - even though it was such an awful experience. But yet when it came to leaving a MM when I found out he was a MM (he had told me he was separated) it has taken me so long to do it.....

 

I can't believe I ended up in this mess either.

 

I am in the process of healing, only 4 days NC but I have to do it. I want to do it...

[Goodbye]

What I don't understand is how I was so strong to extricate myself from an unhappy marriage, and have the courage to do that - even though it was such an awful experience. But yet when it came to leaving a MM when I found out he was a MM (he had told me he was separated) it has taken me so long to do it.....

 

I can't believe I ended up in this mess either.

 

I am in the process of healing, only 4 days NC but I have to do it. I want to do it...

 

 

You can do it. You will make him irrelevant.

[Cocochai]

I believe mines see that since I took him off my FB page, he can't see what I'm doing and I've take my power away from him. I offered friendship but he sort of blew me off and I haven't heard from him since.

 

I told myself I wasn't going to contact him and I'm restraining myself. I also feel he's trying to do the right thing with his marriage. I just don't want him thinking he can reach out to me once he starts feeling the reality of when things go sour again in his marriage.

 

I have no ill feelings towards but he has to know how much he's hurt me being that he knows how I feel about him.

 

And I also think he is trying to avoid the truth... Or, maybe he simple doesn't care or never did after all.

 

But if feels good that' I'm not wondering what he's up to anymore.

[MissBee]

NC isn't pay back.

 

It's not about you.

 

It's about him needing to move on.

 

If you can't give him what he needs and wants he cannot stay by your side eternally accepting breadcrumbs. You hold the power to make things different and if you refuse/can't...he has no choice but to move on and implement NC to heal.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, but don't take it as something being done TO you...but FOR him. Maybe that will help you deal with it better?

[sadwithouthim]

I'm in the same boat.

 

I got a crappy response to my NC email to my xMM. I thought that was it. Now he's been contacting me seeing what I meant by a line in my email, I followed by telling him I can't do any type of relationship until he's divorced, then another email following if we could be friends (keep the physical out). I am going to tell him I need my space. I think he's finally either missing me, or missing my entertainment knowing he's home with her and nobody to complain to (not in regards to their marriage--but his work and other stuff).

 

I don't think he clearly thinks about the situation. I don't think he knows how much it hurts. I don't think he knows I'm serious about me not being involved with him unless he's divorced. He knows he can have it good with me, but he is opting not to.

 

I miss him dearly though. I feel lost without him. It is very hard not to have contact with him. He's a great friend.

 

Mine is an EA only, as he's over 2,000 miles away. We developed very intense feelings, but never got physically intimate (over the phone was as intimate as we could be). We discussed him coming here, many times, but always decided it wouldn't be idea to take it to a physical level and I would have to leave him. I didn't want him to resent me for it.

 

My marriage is literally beyond dead, and has been for so many years. I have so many fears about getting a divorce. I feel strong until it comes time where I can talk to him, and I dance around the topic. I think he's made me codependent (due to his narcissistc personality), and I feel incapable. Also, he's been very abusive and vindictive in the past, and I'm afraid of what he might do. I wish he would just agree that we need to move on.

[sadwithouthim]

I am an exOW to a MM and yes, some of my motivation behind not responding to his "bread crumbs" is to show him AND myself that I'm worth more than bread crumbs. It is incredibly painful to be involved with a married person if you want more than just sex. Yes, yes...I know...the whole "you asked for it from the start." Let the NC give you the space to move on and let your exOM have the space to find a new life with someone who can spend it with him.

 

Well, there was never any physical sex, but our talk time had dwindled down to basically nothing. We had tried NC many times through this 4 1/2 years. I think he's really done this time. I feel guilty because I know he's hurting too.

[sadwithouthim]

We should start a same boat club. I keep trying to put on brave face, but this is killing me more than ever deep down inside.

 

Yes, me too, and it's made my social anxiety even worse. At first, I thought it could propel me to make all the changes I need to make, but it just hurts too much. I hate putting on a happy face to go anywhere, when I feel so sad. Before falling asleep this morning (I work nights), my heart physically hurt, and all I could do was cry to relieve it. I don't know that I've ever had my heart broken to where I feel real physical symptoms, like the heart aching, panic attacks, and stomach aches. Crying does help to relieve all the symptoms though....temporarily.

[sadwithouthim]

This might seem harsh OP, but you seem extremely self-centered.

 

if your OM wants a real relationship with you, and you want it too and are miserable in your marriage, why don't you divorce and be with him? Instead of blaming him for wanting to be out of a situation that brings nothing but toxicity to his life.

 

I'm not at all self-centered (in fact, not enough, or else I'd be in bed with him right now). I'm really not self-centered enough. All I want to do is contact him, but I'm not going to because he doesn't want to be 2nd anymore. It's only for him that I stay NC.