LS: Need Options!

[templeofmax]

Man, don't spill your guts. It is too much. Just start catching up slowly if allowed, and that way you also evaluate her feelings and you don't make a mess of yourself. After so long, if things are to start again, it has to be the same slow process as in the beginning.

[templeofmax]

I am in a similar situation, except I am the girl, near 30 years old, and I had issues with jealousy. My ex broke up with me and moved out, and he lost his temper A LOT towards the end, said mean things, etc., etc. Since he broke up with me, I realized that I did have a problem, so I have seeked out therapy, and it has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. So, I can say I am in a similar situation to that of your and your ex. I feel that since he broke up with me, if he ever wanted me back, he should come to me, because he is the one that wanted to leave and didn't believe in me. He wanted to try again, but was afraid of it being like it was before, even though I am in therapy, so decided not to. We weren't engaged but talked about it all the time, the issues with my jealousy and his anger just got to be too much at the end. We have been broken up for a month, but broke contact several times throughout this month because of missing each other and tying up loose ends. I miss my best friend and want him back, and I know he wants me back, but we are both afraid of the old lifestyle. My break up is still rather fresh though, so I think we both still need time to get through things, but after all that time, if I was in your situation and still loved them that much, contact her, what do u have to lose?

 

Sorry for hijacking the thread, but quick hypothetical for you. What would had happened if YOU broke up with me because of the disrespect or because you were fed up with the fighting, still knowing you needed to work on yourself? Would you come back to him when you felt you had done the work necessary?

[Raid]

Sorry for hijacking the thread, but quick hypothetical for you. What would had happened if YOU broke up with me because of the disrespect or because you were fed up with the fighting, still knowing you needed to work on yourself? Would you come back to him when you felt you had done the work necessary?

 

I know what your saying but in reality it doesn't matter. Both people have to understand they were at fault which caused the relationship to fail. Only then can you move forward and make things better.

 

This happens over time you start to reflect and realise it wasn't all your fault or all their fault in my opinion this isn't a 1-3m thing and if you try and get back together before hand nothing will change and you'll be back here asking the same questions

[templeofmax]

Yeah, man, its true! However, the risk is if the feelings of the other person disappear during that time of reflection, and ours as well maybe. In your case, not until you do the homework, you won't know for sure. I do believe that if two people love each other and reflect how everything went to the ****ter and improve, there is a way for them to reach out and try again with the person they love. Sometimes I feel like I need to tell my ex to make this break worth it. It feels as if when and if she improves and matures, someone else will take my place and enjoy the company of someone who otherwise is sweet, caring, humble, pretty, smart, etc.

[Raid]

Yeah, man, its true! However, the risk is if the feelings of the other person disappear during that time of reflection, and ours as well maybe. In your case, not until you do the homework, you won't know for sure. I do believe that if two people love each other and reflect how everything went to the ****ter and improve, there is a way for them to reach out and try again with the person they love. Sometimes I feel like I need to tell my ex to make this break worth it. It feels as if when and if she improves and matures, someone else will take my place and enjoy the company of someone who otherwise is sweet, caring, humble, pretty, smart, etc.

 

This is the risk we take.

 

I still love her but at the very least I have learnt how to conduct myself now if confronted with this again. This is something I carry with me for the rest of my life.

 

I have matured and If she has another man (likely after so long) I wish her all the best. You cant worry about loosing her because you already have.

[templeofmax]

Funny thing is, her jealousy was usually about HER losing ME or Me liking her enough to not abandon her. How funny is that? That is why I feel soo angry at her. So much jealousy and BS for what?

[Raid]

Funny thing is, her jealousy was usually about HER losing ME or Me liking her enough to not abandon her. How funny is that? That is why I feel soo angry at her. So much jealousy and BS for what?

 

I was like that don't worry.

 

All you can do is give her time to work on herself and you can do the same. Last thing you want is IF you are with someone else you don't learn anything and have the same problem with losing your cool.

[Marblex3]

I hear what you are saying too. Ultimately, in my relationship, he hurt me with his anger as well, and the way he reacted was not my fault. I may have upset him, but the words that he used were his decision, not my fault. He had anger management throughout our relationship, it just got worse over time. I know that I need to work on myself, but he needs to work on himself too. I do not think he is ready to accept that this break up was partly his doing as well, he thinks it was my fault still. We need this time to heal, and if we are meant to be, we will find each other again. He told me he doesn't want to marry anybody else even when we broke up, and I don't really want to either. I understand that we needed the space, otherwise it would've continued to be a vicious cycle. If we are meant to be together, nothing can get in the way of that. If they find somebody else in the process, then it just wasn't the right one for us!

[Raid]

I hear what you are saying too. Ultimately, in my relationship, he hurt me with his anger as well, and the way he reacted was not my fault. I may have upset him, but the words that he used were his decision, not my fault. He had anger management throughout our relationship, it just got worse over time. I know that I need to work on myself, but he needs to work on himself too. I do not think he is ready to accept that this break up was partly his doing as well, he thinks it was my fault still. We need this time to heal, and if we are meant to be, we will find each other again. He told me he doesn't want to marry anybody else even when we broke up, and I don't really want to either. I understand that we needed the space, otherwise it would've continued to be a vicious cycle. If we are meant to be together, nothing can get in the way of that. If they find somebody else in the process, then it just wasn't the right one for us!

 

He will work that out in time trust me. Its just one of those things where people need to experience it first hand to understand they made a mistake and why.

 

I hope you have learned a valuable lesson, jealousy is always a recipe for disaster in relationships. It literally eats away at everything a good relationship stands for and it really is just a matter of time before its splits-ville. No amount of saying how much I love you or otherwise can ever change that.

[Raid]

I hear what you are saying too. Ultimately, in my relationship, he hurt me with his anger as well, and the way he reacted was not my fault. I may have upset him, but the words that he used were his decision, not my fault. He had anger management throughout our relationship, it just got worse over time. I know that I need to work on myself, but he needs to work on himself too. I do not think he is ready to accept that this break up was partly his doing as well, he thinks it was my fault still. We need this time to heal, and if we are meant to be, we will find each other again. He told me he doesn't want to marry anybody else even when we broke up, and I don't really want to either. I understand that we needed the space, otherwise it would've continued to be a vicious cycle. If we are meant to be together, nothing can get in the way of that. If they find somebody else in the process, then it just wasn't the right one for us!

 

Just FYI you sound EXACTLY like my ex LOL

[templeofmax]

We went through a 2-month breakup, but I did rush things to start again and fundamentally, my anger issues or her insecurity were worse actually. Two months can work if people are really conscious and do a hell of a work. However, usually, I guess only 6 months or more is what its needed for real change.

[Marblex3]

I definitely realize the impact that jealousy has on a relationship, but I also know that being called really mean names and being belittled verbally doesn't help any situation and is not warranted in any situation...so its a two way street. I never made him call me those names, and he never did anything to make me react in a jealous manner. It was both of us that had flaws that lead to the break up and we both need to fix ourselves before we can ever visit the possibility of meeting up again in the future.

[templeofmax]

Have you talked about meeting in the future, or it felt like a final breakup?

[Marblex3]

We pretty much left things off with we need to take time for ourselves and even though we both keep breaking contact, we need to try not to. We left it off as parting, and if we are meant to be, we will be. So no, no plans on meeting again. It's hard to let go, but it's really what needs to be. We were so entangled in the situation, it got to be too much. It's just really hard to not ben contact with somebody who used to be my best friend, a man I lived with. It's extremely hard letting that go. It's been 3 official, measly days NC and I'm finding it very difficult to cope.

[templeofmax]

I know..it is extremely hard, but keeping in contact won't do anything for you or for him, just more hurt! Time apart and focus on you is what will work for you to either get back together or find someone else. Either way, you do what is needed and so its life. If it was butterflies all around there would be no divorce, separation, cheating, etc, etc. If the feelings are strong enough, love could be rekindled under other circumstances. When I tell my psychologist that I miss my ex too much (after 4 months) she says: 'to go back to the same unhealthy relationship'? She is right. Yeah, I miss her, and I have hope, but now I see that if t wasn't for that break-up we would be still miserable because of the things that we could not change inside the relationship.

[Raid]

We pretty much left things off with we need to take time for ourselves and even though we both keep breaking contact, we need to try not to. We left it off as parting, and if we are meant to be, we will be. So no, no plans on meeting again. It's hard to let go, but it's really what needs to be. We were so entangled in the situation, it got to be too much. It's just really hard to not ben contact with somebody who used to be my best friend, a man I lived with. It's extremely hard letting that go. It's been 3 official, measly days NC and I'm finding it very difficult to cope.

 

That's where we left ours as well. No good was going to come out of it at the time

[Marblex3]

I completely agree, that old relationship had to die, it wouldn't have led to anything happy or positive. I just wish it was that easy to mentally let go. I know NC is for us to heal, like you said, whether we meet again or not, the time involved to heal just sucks. Time goes by...so...slowly...

[templeofmax]

It will go faster, I promise. the first couple of months it does, especially if you don't fill your time. For e it was eternal cause I am off school right now and most of my friends live overseas. So being with family worked, but then they had to leave and I was alone for a while. By then I was feeling better. So try to not be alone, especially in the beginning.

[Marblex3]

I have been keeping busy with my friends, but the second I come home to y apartment, all alone, I just become flooded with thoughts and emotions. I won't text him, I have convinced myself not to, but the thoughts and what ifs are just horrible and constant.

[templeofmax]

I know! Unfortunately, there is not much you can do other than occupy yourself, watch TV, exercise (KEY here), listen to music, surf the web, read a book and go OUTSIDE to walk around, but not to crowded places where couples could be around. The What ifs don't work because things happen because that is the option that we were given at the time. If we had had options and the will to chose it AT THE TIME, we would had chosen the better one.

[Raid]

I have been keeping busy with my friends, but the second I come home to y apartment, all alone, I just become flooded with thoughts and emotions. I won't text him, I have convinced myself not to, but the thoughts and what ifs are just horrible and constant.

 

It will pass trust me. The key is to not try and forget them because you never will, just understand it would of never worked the way it was going.. Worse you could of ended up with children and then broken up and had a broken family like so many others out there.

 

One thing I am wondering is you said you would need him to come back to you in time? What does that actually entail? How would you expect to just fall into each others laps again?

 

Would you expect him just to reach out to you via a call / email or would you just expect if by some chance of fate you met in a public place?

[Marblex3]

You are right, I have to realize that relationship would not have worked. What I mean is that I feel like he doesn't want to be with me because he left, so I feel like if I went back when i felt ready it wouldn't be effective. I feel like he would have to initiate a contact with me when he was or if he ever will be ready to try again.

[Raid]

You are right, I have to realize that relationship would not have worked. What I mean is that I feel like he doesn't want to be with me because he left, so I feel like if I went back when i felt ready it wouldn't be effective. I feel like he would have to initiate a contact with me when he was or if he ever will be ready to try again.

 

I have no idea how to open up the communication channel I could send her an email but I have no idea what to write especially because she didn't reply to my text for her birthday..

 

I need to know for sure if she does/does not have any feelings left.

[Marblex3]

Honesty is the best policy. Maybe keep it brief and say something along the lines that she has been on your mind a lot lately and you wanted to see if she wanted to meet for coffee and catch up? If she agrees you can catch up and get a vibe on how the interaction unfolds between the two of you.

[templeofmax]

If not, there you have your answer!