Sister is cheating - do I break her trust and tell?

[greggyor]

I’ll make this quick.

 

My wife and I are swingers, have been for over 15 years. A little while ago at a party we bumped into my sister which was a total shock. What was more of a shock was that she wasn’t there with her husband.

 

So my little baby sister is cheating on her husband, but far worse with multiple partners in the swinging scene. She begged me not to tell anyone and I agreed as long as she came clean herself.

 

That was two months ago and she has not come clean, she has not stopped attending the parties and she has no intention of telling her husband according to her.

 

I’m really conflicted by this. On one hand I believe in honesty above all else and therefore want to get this out in the open. On the other hand she is my sister, we are very close, I have never really clicked with her husband, I feel like I would be betraying her if I told.

 

We found out (that’s my sister and I) that my brother was cheating many years ago and chose not to say anything. My sister says that it would be hypocritical if I said anything about her now.

 

So what would you do? Is my place to just butt out and let them sort themselves or should I become involved?

[T3h L337 d00d]

You found out your sister is a cheating swinger I'm sorry. She's your family don't go ratting her out to her husband. She's hurting herself by cheating so give her the advice to just leave him if she doesn't want to be with him anymore. It would be very wrong of you to call him up and say that your sister is a cheating swinger. You don't even like the guy so I don't even see the dilemma. I'd be worried about my sister and trying to help her cause this all seems like drama.

[almond]

Stay out of this, and let them sort it themselves.

 

As much as I can see where you are coming from re: honesty and the right that her husband has to know the truth, it just really isn't your place. I would not risk irreparable damage to your relationship with your sister.

 

I recommend speaking to your sister at length about this. She is obviously unhappy in her marriage, and perhaps does not have the strength to leave. Speak with her, and try and help her in any way that she needs. Obviously make it clear that you do not condone her behaviour, and try and help her find a solution.

[greggyor]

I don't even see the dilemma

 

I value honesty, I guess I have leant that in maintaining my own relationship, honesty is paramount.

 

I guess the fact that she is not being honest really irks me. I find it hard to be around them when they are together because in order to keep my sisters trust I must lie and that goes against everything I believe.

 

But then if I make honesty the holy grail and break this news then I potentially lose my sister forever.

[Philosoraptor]

Use your moral compass. If you were in her husbands position, would you like to know?

[greggyor]

If you were in her husbands position, would you like to know?

 

I have thought long and hard about exactly that. The answer is of course I would want to know.

 

But then I think, surely he knows, my sister is not being overly discreet. They don't have an open relationship but maybe he knows and chooses to ignore it. Why then would I embarrass him by bringing it to light and rubbing it in his face.

[will1988]

write a letter and mail it to him... without signing your name etc...

[greggyor]

write a letter and mail it to him... without signing your name etc...

 

No, it's not about being secretive about it. Even if I did that my sister will know where it came from so that solves nothing from a relationship point between her and I.

 

I really need to convince her to come clean but she just wont even listen if the subject is being discussed.

[Fugu]

This is a tough one.

 

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think one reason why you might be in a compromised position is due to the fact that you are a swinger yourself. Yes, I get that you're open about it and that she's not, and that this is a key distinction, but in her mind, it's probably a small distinction. In her husband's mind, that's a different story.

 

If it were me and I were in your shoes, I'd just keep pressuring her to do the right thing. Honestly, I'd also reconsider whether or not your own actions are influencing her. Again, I'm honestly not judging you - what you do is your biz. But people do influence others, and I'd say that's especially true of big sister and little sister.

[Keenly]

It's not your business.

[Trimmer]

I value honesty, I guess I have leant that in maintaining my own relationship, honesty is paramount.

 

I guess the fact that she is not being honest really irks me. I find it hard to be around them when they are together because in order to keep my sisters trust I must lie and that goes against everything I believe.

 

But then if I make honesty the holy grail and break this news then I potentially lose my sister forever.

If you value honesty so much, then in a way, haven't you already lost your sister?

 

I'm not necessarily advocating for one side or the other; I'm not sure which side I come down on - I'm sure I'd be just as conflicted as you are. But if you "keep" your sister by maintaining a lie indefinitely, is that a whole lot different than losing her because of honesty?

 

I don't know that I'd cause her marriage to come crashing down, but I also don't think that you are having a genuine relationship with her as long as the lie is hanging out there.

 

In the ideal case: she'd take care of business honestly within her marrage herself, and then there's some hope that you could rebuild a relationship with her.

 

When you "agreed as long as she came clean", did she actually agree to that, or was it under duress of getting you to keep quiet? What's her excuse for not stepping up?

[Trimmer]

well, what a family you have...........

 

i think marriage is something that have to be keep holy.

and its something between only 2 people and God.

If you have to change partners you can better not marry someone.

because its all against marriage.

 

i think if you go to the swinger party with your wife, doesnt make you better then her.

so maybe you should worry about your own marriage.

you already told her your opinion.

now its up to her to do with her life what she want.

 

i think you all need to start taking marriage and relationships more serious and get to know why marriage was made.

because its clear that no one is in a position to judge each other.

So your point is that the OP's big sin is that he doesn't have the same view of marriage as you do. Well, he didn't make any vows to you, so I bet he's not going to be too worried about that.

 

His issue, which you don't seem to address is that his sister has a different view of marriage from her own husband, and is willfully and dishonestly keeping that from him.

 

The OP and his wife have an honest, mutual agreement about what marriage is to them. That does make their marriage different from his sister's. It may not match up with your view of the perfect marriage, but they have an open dialog and an honest agreement about what their marriage will be and that's more than many more self-righteous couples can claim.

[greggyor]

How awkward. So you and your sister are now swinging together, well I don't mean literally but in the same club at the same time? How does that work?

 

Yes it was very awkward when we first saw each other. Basically we were all naked except for g-strings, I don't think anyone knew where to look. It gave everyone else around a laugh though.

 

I couldn't be in the same club as her so we have agreed to go at different times. I know that sends a mixed message about her stopping but I couldn't risk bumping into her while she was in the middle of something.

[greggyor]

When you "agreed as long as she came clean", did she actually agree to that, or was it under duress of getting you to keep quiet? What's her excuse for not stepping up?

 

To be honest it was more a directive from me rather than a request. I don't think she had the chance to agree or refuse.

 

She says she is not leaving her husband because she loves him, everything except their sex life. Apparently he has erection issues and also is not into long periods of foreplay so she gets very little. So she found herself another man, they have been seeing each other regularly for about a year. They wanted to introduce another woman, and hey presto they are at a swingers club.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Yes it was very awkward when we first saw each other. Basically we were all naked except for g-strings, I don't think anyone knew where to look. It gave everyone else around a laugh though.

 

I couldn't be in the same club as her so we have agreed to go at different times. I know that sends a mixed message about her stopping but I couldn't risk bumping into her while she was in the middle of something.

 

In my opinion, the right thing to do is to talk to your sister about honesty.

 

She owes the truth to her husband, he deserves to know. Do not say he must or should know, he doesn't, or isn't sure. How does she know that he wouldn't be interested in participating?

 

I am sure she thinks its the telling that will destroy her marriage, but it's not. It's the lies.

 

You also may get caught in the crossfire if she does not confess and that could impact your relationship with her and your husband because not telling IS condoning. And part of reconciliation is often severing relationships with people who knew and supported the extramarital activities.

 

You need to tell her that she must be honest, maybe you could go with when she tells to support her if she is scared. Maybe you can talk to her husband about the lifestyle if he has concerns.

 

There is a guy on here who has more experience in this stuff...I will see if he can add his wisdom.

[greggyor]

In my opinion, the right thing to do is to talk to your sister about honesty.

 

Your post is entirely correct.

 

We have spoken about honesty. We have talked about her husband needing to know including the how would you feel if reversed situation. Both my wife and I have offered to go with her when she tells and would happily talk about the scene if that is what he wanted.

 

But she flatly refuses to tell. She is scared she will lose everything (that is my opinion, she never said that).

 

I can't force her hand and make her tell so I either let her go and as someone said earlier have less respect for my sister now knowing she is living an ongoing lie or I go and tell her husband myself which is not something I want to do but at least then they can start a dialogue about their relationship.

[Trimmer]

To be honest it was more a directive from me rather than a request. I don't think she had the chance to agree or refuse.

 

She says she is not leaving her husband because she loves him, everything except their sex life. Apparently he has erection issues and also is not into long periods of foreplay so she gets very little. So she found herself another man, they have been seeing each other regularly for about a year. They wanted to introduce another woman, and hey presto they are at a swingers club.

So I'll go back to my original question: In a way, don't you feel like you've already lost her? And I'm not assuming an answer, or asking rhetorically to try to force your hand, I'm just wondering.

 

It seems that, just like her marriage is damaged by her action (although only one of them knows it just yet...) hasn't her action - including her expectation that you will continue to share in the deception and her refusal to even consider making it right - to some degree also damaged your relationship with her, given that honesty is so important to you?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Your post is entirely correct.

 

We have spoken about honesty. We have talked about her husband needing to know including the how would you feel if reversed situation. Both my wife and I have offered to go with her when she tells and would happily talk about the scene if that is what he wanted.

 

But she flatly refuses to tell. She is scared she will lose everything (that is my opinion, she never said that).

 

I can't force her hand and make her tell so I either let her go and as someone said earlier have less respect for my sister now knowing she is living an ongoing lie or I go and tell her husband myself which is not something I want to do but at least then they can start a dialogue about their relationship.

 

I think best in dialog...so what I would say....

 

 

"I love you and want you to be happy. I also want you to live an authentic life and live with truth and honesty. And I need to live an authentic life with truth and honesty.

 

I gave you time to tell H, but you have not, so you leave me no choice but to tell him. I know it would go over better coming from you but I am prepared to do it alone or with you, but he will be told today (or whenever)

 

I know that as a result you may feel betrayed, but we (you and your wife) cannot continue to be a part of your lying and infidelity, it is against our moral compass and we feel very bad in keeping your lies, and ongoing lies with you.

 

I hope that in time you see that I am doing what I thought best and what I need to do to live with myself.

 

I also hope that you know that I am doing this because I love you and want us to have a relationship unfettered by deceit."

 

Or something like that.

[Radu]

The one thing that i do know about the swinger scene is that you have to be completely honest.

This is because you end up having multiple sex partners, sometimes unprotected sex, and because you probably have heard of those women/couples who on purpose get pregnant at one of these parties.

Honesty must trump everything, so from that angle, you have to tell.

 

Now, from the angle that she is your sister.

You did not tell to your brother yrs ago, and you betrayed his trust something fierce; does he know about this ?

If he doesn't, go and talk to him and apologize.

Then tell your sister's husband.

 

She did not tell you that you would be a hypocrite for telling her husband and not your brother, that also had a 2nd meaning as a threat.

There is no way to fix this without destroying some feelings and emotions; might as well bring all of this crap in the light.

[Radu]

So I'll go back to my original question: In a way, don't you feel like you've already lost her? And I'm not assuming an answer, or asking rhetorically to try to force your hand, I'm just wondering.

 

It seems that, just like her marriage is damaged by her action (although only one of them knows it just yet...) hasn't her action - including her expectation that you will continue to share in the deception and her refusal to even consider making it right - to some degree also damaged your relationship with her, given that honesty is so important to you?

 

Good point.

You have already lost her OP.

 

Do you feel that you have done wrong yrs ago when you hid the affair from your brother ?

Well, if you do feel that way, then you need to stop letting her drag you into the mud with you, into the filth.

Because at the end of the way, you are going home to your partner, and looking in the bathroom mirror.

If your action yrs ago made you realise you did something horribly wrong, you cannot let her continue to poison your spirit, your marriage and your self-esteem.

[oldshirt]

It's not your business to police your sister's sexlife nor to be her husband's informant. It's not your business to tell him.

 

 

HOWEVER...

 

You are not obligated to be a part of your sisters sham either. If it is against your values and against your moral compass to be complicit with this then you have the right to inform your sister that you will not in anyway support or defend her actions either.

 

You can tell her that if you BIL ever comes to you and asks if his wife is screwing around that you will tell him, "I am not willing to discuss other people's personal lives and that is something you will need to address with her. I am not going to discuss this with you." and then go back to your own business.

 

In this situation you are not accepting it or taking part in it or taking part in a conspiracy but neither are sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong nor throwing your sister under the bus. If your BIL were to confront you about it, he would know that he has some more investigating to do.

 

As long as you are upfront and steadfast about this with your sister, she will know that you are not conspiring with her and that you are not part of her cover up plan and not supporting her in this.

 

Just knowing that you will not cover up for her when the walls come tumbling down (and they will!) may be enough to get her to come clean. Probably not, that's pretty egregious but at least she'll know you won't cover for her when the $hit hits the fan.

[samsungxoxo]

If there is one thing you don't do is betray your very own blood esp if they begged you not to reveal their secret. She may be a cheating and bad wife to the guy but she is still your sister and their marriage is really none of your business.

 

The guy will find out anyways. Nothing like that is ever kept in secret for years.

[sdraw108]

well, what a family you have...........

 

i think marriage is something that have to be keep holy.

and its something between only 2 people and God.

if you have to change partners you can better not marry someone.

because its all against marriage. I think if you go to the swinger party with your wife, doesnt make you better then her.

 

How judgmental of you. Not everyone is married because they believe it is a contract with God. Of course the OP is "better" than his sister in this scenario - he's doing it with the full consent and approval of his wife (and if they're both happy about it, then who are you to say it's wrong?). There is no betrayal or dishonesty. The sister however is breaking the trust of her husband.

 

I'm struggling to see how it's even possible that you failed to discern this difference.

Edited August 3, 2013 by sdraw108

[greggyor]

So I'll go back to my original question: In a way, don't you feel like you've already lost her? And I'm not assuming an answer, or asking rhetorically to try to force your hand, I'm just wondering.

 

I guess I could say that I don't feel like I have lost her but do feel like I am losing her. I am trying to get her to see reason and get her life back on track, but then who am I to judge and say that her way is wrong? It's wrong for me, but then swinging is wrong for many and I participate there so I feel rather hypocritical judging.

[greggyor]

You did not tell to your brother yrs ago, and you betrayed his trust something fierce; does he know about this ?

 

I think you misunderstood, or maybe I wasn't clear, but it was our brother that was cheating. We didn't tell his wife (girlfriend at the time).