Sister is cheating - do I break her trust and tell?

[greggyor]

If there is one thing you don't do is betray your very own blood esp if they begged you not to reveal their secret

 

Look, I totally agree with that and that is pretty much the reason that I have not said anything to date. But to allow my sister to continue down this path means I lose her a little more each day, I don't want that to happen.

 

I can sit here and make very valid arguments for both sides of this dilemma. They both have merit and they both have flaws. I just can't decide which of the sides is the lesser of the two evils.

[greggyor]

Long story short, I told him and he stayed with her anyway.

 

To be honest I think this is the way this would have panned out if she had gone to him in advance. Seeing as though she has been cheating for over a year now it may be a lot harder for him to swallow his pride.

 

From what she says he is basically not interested in sex more than once a month. He cannot expect that she would be ok with that so he must expect something unless he is totally detached from the relationship.

[Radu]

To be honest I think this is the way this would have panned out if she had gone to him in advance. Seeing as though she has been cheating for over a year now it may be a lot harder for him to swallow his pride.

 

From what she says he is basically not interested in sex more than once a month. He cannot expect that she would be ok with that so he must expect something unless he is totally detached from the relationship.

 

First of all, everything a WS says is subject to heavy scrutiny; no WS will willingly say the truth while the affair fog is still on [the affair is a secret still]. This is because while the conditions in the marriage before the affair were 50:50 in terms of responsability, the affair is 100% on the WS.

What the husband in this situation can expect is that his wife does not cheat on him when the going gets tough; she did take a vow of 'for better or worse'.

In regards to your brother, i would have informed his wife when he cheated; it might even have stopped your sister from cheating, if he saw consequences for his actions.

 

There is no way you can get out of this smelling like fresh roses; might as well do what you think is right ...

[darkmoon]

back away, not your business, never was, unless you want control which is not great of anybody to want anytime

[Trimmer]

Unfortunately for him though, if he divorces her, she will be judged as doing nothing wrong, due to no-fault.

 

So he's screwed either way.

The idea of "no-fault" divorce is mostly a technical, legal issue that minimizes the court having to decide who is "at fault." It's not like a rubber stamp or a tattoo that you carry around for the rest of your life that people will look to in order to judge you, "Let me see your tattoo...Oh, you had a 'no fault' divorce..."

 

After having gone through a divorce, the emotional and psychological aftermath, influence on friends and family, healing and recovery process has very little to do with the technical judgement of the court. Especially in a "no-fault" legal situation - that's exactly the point: the court doesn't pronounce a judgement that takes a side.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Look, I totally agree with that and that is pretty much the reason that I have not said anything to date. But to allow my sister to continue down this path means I lose her a little more each day, I don't want that to happen.

 

I can sit here and make very valid arguments for both sides of this dilemma. They both have merit and they both have flaws. I just can't decide which of the sides is the lesser of the two evils.

 

This is really tough.

 

I am not into swinging, but what ever happens between consenting adults is their business. I only mention it because I think (now that I have thought about it) that its irrelevant to the issue.

 

You aren't criticizing her lifestyle. You are upset with being complicit in her lies. Right? That puts stress between you because you are forced to support something you don't agree with, which is the dishonesty.

 

Unless I misunderstood, you have to coordinate your activities to avoid running into each other again? So it forces you to continue to be complicit each time, right?

 

So keeping her secret is chipping away at YOUR relationship(your and your sisters). So YOUR relationship needs to come up with a new paradigm.

 

Maybe she needs to have a new playground. Maybe you stop having any relationship with your BIL? or you tell her you will never lie to him? I can't think of other options, but there have to be some.

 

I think it is unfair of your sister to put you in this position.

 

It's unfair to put him at risk do STDs and who knows, maybe he would like a little strange and she is depriving him.

 

But then again, I believe in telling the BS. But I know that many here do not.

[greggyor]

I have an update of sorts. I will state from the outset that I don't put much weight on this but I do have my fingers crossed.

 

We had a family function yesterday. At one point when I was outside cooking the BBQ I ended up alone with my sisters husband. He obviously is suspicious because he asked me a very out of character question.

 

He told me that things weren't right between him and my sister, he had no idea what it was, she just says we are fine, and asked if I knew anything she was going through that might explain it. Now here was a great opportunity for me to tell, or if not tell at least hint that she had something and he should dig for it.

 

I chickened out, I just said I didn't know anything. For the rest of the day I was real angry with myself. It was making me sick that she was all over him like they were so in love when I know through friends that the night before she was at a club and let's just say she has taken to the scene like a duck to water and is a very active participant.

 

I got a chance to be alone with her later in the day and I told her what happened, she nearly freaked out because she thought I told. I told her I don't break my promises and I didn't tell and I will never tell but you made a promise to me that you would tell and I expect you to honour it. We argued for a bit and then other people came outside so we couldn't continue.

 

I told my wife and she basically said enough is enough. She grabbed my sister and they went into the bedroom together and spoke for over an hour. Everyone was asking me what the problem was but all I could do was play dumb. Anyway, my sister has again promised to tell, we'll see about that. She was going to tell last night and is not answering her phone this morning nor has she turned up to work so as yet I don't know what has happened.

 

I will update when I know but I am not holding my breath.

[Trimmer]

I told my wife and she basically said enough is enough. She grabbed my sister and they went into the bedroom together and spoke for over an hour. Everyone was asking me what the problem was but all I could do was play dumb. Anyway, my sister has again promised to tell, we'll see about that. She was going to tell last night and is not answering her phone this morning nor has she turned up to work so as yet I don't know what has happened.

Dude, your wife's got some balls, and I mean that in the most complementary way, and not as a dig at you, because your own dynamic with your sister is its own thing. But I can just see her walking her in there, closing the door, sitting her down, and laying down the Law according to Greggyor's Wife!

 

I don't mean to be glib - but I think this is a good thing overall. Be prepared for major drama, but it needed to happen. This was not going to happen quietly no matter what.

[SensitiveTJ]

Do the right thing and tell. It is immoral to aid a cheater.

 

These people with this "none of your business" outlook are just aiding immoral behavior.

 

Do it.

 

I have to completely agree with this. By hiding your sister's behavior, you are placing the husband at risk for STDs, not to mention heartbreak. Moreover, by protecting a cheater you come to share in the moral wrong of her behavior. Informing her husband is really the only right thing to do.

 

Just IMO, of course.

[Trimmer]

I have to completely agree with this. By hiding your sister's behavior, you are placing the husband at risk for STDs, not to mention heartbreak. Moreover, by protecting a cheater you come to share in the moral wrong of her behavior. Informing her husband is really the only right thing to do.

I think we have to be careful we don't break our fingers because we are wringing our hands so hard here...

 

I will entertain that he may have a motivatoin - maybe even an obligation - to share what he knows or take some kind of action to make his sister do the right thing, but I think it's a little overblown to say that he placed her husband at risk. That responsibility lies solely with the sister.

 

I think there's a difference between perpetrating the action (the sister's responsibility for cheating) and the dilemma of what to do about it (the OP's situation.) Notice that action is happening - he (and now his wife) have both been actively pushing the sister to step up and do the right thing, and I think that's the best way to go about it.

 

I respect your points, I understand them, and I agree that although he came across the information unwittingly, now that the bell has been rung, he can't go back and "unknow" the information, and should take some action to move things forward; I just don't agree with saying that the OP has "put the husband at risk." I think that's an unnecessary guilt trip, and it lessens the enormity of what the sister has done by her cheating and its consequences, the responsibility for which rests completely and only on her shoulders.

[greggyor]

Well the deed is done, she did tell him. The result is about as far removed as possible from what one would expect.

 

She asked my wife to go with her because she knew if she did it alone she would chicken out so I know that this is the truth and not just my sisters version of the truth.

 

I'll do this in point form to make it easier:

 

* she sat him down and told him she had been cheating

* he said he expected as much and apologized for not satisfying her enough that she had to look elsewhere.

* She told him it had been going on for a year and that she considered this guy her boyfriend.

* He asked if she was going to stop

* she said before she answers that there is more. She told him about swinging and being with other women, threesomes etc.

* He broke down and this point.

* He blamed my wife and I for getting her into the scene

* My wife and sister assured him that wasn't the case and told of how we found out

* He asked why she didn't swing with him (apparently he had been asking over the years)

* She had no answer

* He asked if they could swing together now

* She said she would love that

* He asked if she was ok with him sleeping with other people when the swing.

* she said we will have to wait and see on that

* She asked him for sex more often or if not to keep her boyfriend.

* He said he physically can't so she can keep him

 

So how about that?

 

This guy is seriously a cuckold. Good luck to him if that's what he wants but it took me by surprise.

 

I was disappointed that my sister never said sorry to him, not once. I told her this but she just shrugged her shoulders. She thinks she is invincible now she had gotten away with this.

 

Now my wife and I will have to work around them going to clubs. It sort of limits us a bit but it's better than being there the same time as them. I don't know how he will go in a club, he doesn't seem the type but stranger things have happened.

 

I would normally say that I couldn't see them lasting long with their differing sex drives and my sisters willingness to deceive. But after his display the other night, even apologizing himself I am not so sure that they wont end up if a happy sub/dom relationship with it very obvious who will be dominant.

 

I must say my sister has come away with all the prizes here but she hasn't won me over with her attitude through all this. I still love her and always will but a little piece of my heart has died over the last few weeks

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Um...ok then..yeaaaa honesty right?

 

She's still your sister, so I think a little honesty from you about how you feel would be good.

 

And remember, he may not react that way once the dust settles.

[sdraw108]

* she sat him down and told him she had been cheating

* he said he expected as much and apologized for not satisfying her enough that she had to look elsewhere.

* She told him it had been going on for a year and that she considered this guy her boyfriend.

* He asked if she was going to stop

* she said before she answers that there is more. She told him about swinging and being with other women, threesomes etc.

* He broke down and this point.

* He blamed my wife and I for getting her into the scene

* My wife and sister assured him that wasn't the case and told of how we found out

* He asked why she didn't swing with him (apparently he had been asking over the years)

* She had no answer

* He asked if they could swing together now

* She said she would love that

* He asked if she was ok with him sleeping with other people when the swing.

* she said we will have to wait and see on that

* She asked him for sex more often or if not to keep her boyfriend.

* He said he physically can't so she can keep him

 

Uhh.... really?

[greggyor]

Uhh.... really?

 

Um...ok then..yeaaaa honesty right?

 

Look, I know it sounds implausible but this is they way it was relayed to me from my wife. Obviously there is a lot of detail that I have left out, I have just dumbed it down to point form for ease of reading.

 

She's still your sister, so I think a little honesty from you about how you feel would be good.

 

I am not really following your point here. Are you suggesting that I am not being honest about my feelings?

[sdraw108]

I wasn't saying it sounded implausible, I'm just shocked that she's been sleeping with god knows how many other men and has a boyfriend on the side, but will have to "wait and see" if it's ok for him to sleep with other women at swingers events?

 

What a hypocrite. And what a doormat to still want to stick around after all that (the husband).

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I am not really following your point here. Are you suggesting that I am not being honest about my feelings?

 

My apologies, I was intending to suggest that telling her her lying, and putting you (and your wife) in a bad position is unacceptable and while her husband may have accepted the whole thing, she needs to be less selfish and more cognizant of other people's feelings.

 

Maybe you have already told her. Your statement about a little piece of you dying I assumed was from that.

[Running Man]

If your sister can do this to her husband and blackmail you to keep quiet then really what kind of person is she? No remorse for her deceit and has a sense of entitlement. I wouldn't trust this woman and remember she can betray you just as easy if its in her favor too.

 

I dont need "family" who are deceitful and has a lack of respect for people they claim to love.