Mixed Signals

[guest]

15 months after being broken up with my ex, we have somehow ended up back together again but he is giving me many mixed signals.

 

He claims to love me more than anything in this world still, and said that after a year of being apart and dating other women and clubbing every night, there's no doubt in his mind that he's ready to settle down now and be in my life permanently. He's 24 and I'm 25. He's even mentioned that we get married in March but no talk of an engagement ring and none in sight.

 

During our breakup, I ended up moving about 23 miles away from our hometown so unfortunately we are now in a long distance relationship until my lease ends in about 7 more months. We have plans for me to move back to my hometown so that we can live together and continue on with our life as the drive to his job would be over an hour long if he moved up here to be with me now.

 

Ok so the first couple of weeks, he was making an effort to see me. Driving up here in the mornings after his shift ended at work to see me often, spending time with me and sleeping over at my house until time for him to go to work again that night. We were communicating effectively and everything was perfect between us.

 

But now things have dramatically slackened off. First it was a minor accident involving his car and then he got the flu so for about 4 weeks (maybe longer) that we haven't spent ANY time together and he's not really putting forth the effort either. I do have a car and can drive down to get him but there's always excuses. Which now it seems that I'm nagging him more to please spend time with me because I am human, I need love, attention, and affection. I need to feel his arms around me. I need to see his face. I'm feeling extra lonely in this relationship. We talk on the phone everyday but that isn't enough and he may come visit once a week now that he has his car back but when the weekend comes I can't assume we are going to spend it together. Just today, he worked his schedule around enough to pick up our daughter today but he took her and left me at home. He had his guy friend with him so it seems everyone gets quality time except me. What about me? Am i not important enough for him to make time for me?

 

When he said he was ready to settle down this time I believed him but his actions aren't lining up with his words. I've already threatened leaving him as I'm not going to stick around so that he can have his cake and eat it too. He cries and begs for me not to leave and says he'll try to see me more often but nothing ever changes until I get fed up again and threaten to leave. The cycle just repeats itself.

 

I'm miserable with him, I'm miserable without him. I guess I'm staying with him for my own selfish reasons. I'm too chicken**** to be the one to let go when he keeps pleading with me to stay. But I'm the one always trying to create the time for us to be together. If I didn't say anything he'd be comfortable with things being just the way they are.

 

Someone please give me some input. Am I being too needy? Why is he pushing me away but begging me to stay with him at the same time???? It just doesn't make any sense.

[UnicornGirl]

not to be the book-pusher, but "men are from mars, women are from venus" would help you a lot, if you haven't read it. just flip through it at the library.

 

sounds like the guy is needing his space and you're not comfortable with that. maybe next time the vicious cycle repeats itself, don't agree to take him back right away. find another plan of action to break the cycle. sorry I don't have much advice, but good luck.

[Truetoself]

I understand what you are going through and it is not easy.

I am learning now that with men it is always a game even when you don't want to play it. They love a chase! You have got to change your game so he doesn't know what is next with you! You have to keep him guessing!!

 

It's like he is holding you at bay until whenever it's convenient for him. I don't doubt that he loves you or even wants to marry you. He is acting as if he knows you will always be there when he wants your attention. Try and involved yourself in other things on the weekends so when he calls, you aren't as available as you were before.

 

You have to just learn how to be a little bit busy when he wants to see you! Don't always answer his phone calls. See he knows you so well, your patterns and how you operate, he thinks your just sitting around waiting for him. It's like you have to start treating him the exact same way his treating you. I know it's hard, but you have to jerk his chain a little to keep him focused. You may want to get the book "Why men love Bitches" It helped me a whole lot and I know it will help you too! Best of luck!