Janesays Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 So my fiance and I were scheduled to get married in September. Nothing big, just running off to Hawaii to elope. But now I'm pregnant. This isn't entirely 'unplanned.' We tossed the birth control way back in January. However, I am 34 and after months with nothing, I began to assume I'd need more time or 'help' conceiving. Guess I was wrong! So now the big question is....should we get married quicker? Or put it off until after the baby is born? I see pluses and minuses to both sides. On one hand, the baby will be born within wedlock. On the other hand, I feel pretty yucky lately...not in the best shape to go jetting off to Hawaii. So any advice out there? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 On one hand, the baby will be born within wedlock. Are you Catholic? 'Cuzz that is the only reason I see as that still being a valid argument anymore in this day-and-age... Otherwise, I would suggest waiting until you feel better... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Janesays Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 Are you Catholic? 'Cuzz that is the only reason I see as that still being a valid argument anymore in this day-and-age... Otherwise, I would suggest waiting until you feel better... Hahaha, no, Atheist! But I'm divorced and still using my ex husband's last name. My fiance made the point that he'd like us all to have the same last name on the birth certificate. (And not the ex's) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I agree with him, things easier and cleaner if taken care of before your child (Congratulations!) is born. Why not a simple local ceremony now and a Hawaii trip when more feasible? Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
miss_jaclynrae Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 OooooOOooo... well first of all, CONGRATS!!!! OK, now onto business. I see the pros to both sides. On one, the baby would be born into wedlock, which is a plus. If it was me? Hmm... I guess it would depend on how much a wedding meant to me versus a family. Both are important but I REALLY REALLY want that dream wedding and what not. If that means more to you, I say wait and have wedding after. Course, with having one after, it could get pushed back even farther depending on how smooth things go with a baby... IDK! That really is something to think about! Link to post Share on other sites
juicygirl Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I have two kids and I vote for move it up. It's too much headache after the baby is born 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Janesays Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 From reading a lot of your replies, it seems like the consensus is that we should move it up. And it does make sense, from a logic stand point. But from an emotional stand point....I'm tired. I feel exhausted all the time. So the thought of throwing a wedding together right now is daunting. Heck, the thought of mowing the lawn right now is daunting. Can any Mothers out there let me know how long this EXHAUSTION is supposed to last? I know you're supposed to get tired during pregnancy, but jeez. If I had my druthers, I'd be sleeping 20 hours a day nowadays. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Congrats!! If I was in your position, I would lean towards getting a quick civil marriage done sooner (for the last name concerns) and heading to Hawaii when I am ready to party Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Ooh Congrats!! How exciting! Having got married during pregnancy, and before pregnancy, I'd vote for you to keep your plans. It's romantic and simple. If you wait until baby is born it could turn in to a little bit of a circus 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Get married in Sept since you were planning it anyway. Enjoy your special day and pregnancy at the same time! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 My fiance made the point that he'd like us all to have the same last name on the birth certificate. (And not the ex's) Why isn't your fiance's input given more weight in this decision ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 So my fiance and I were scheduled to get married in September. Nothing big, just running off to Hawaii to elope. But now I'm pregnant. This isn't entirely 'unplanned.' We tossed the birth control way back in January. However, I am 34 and after months with nothing, I began to assume I'd need more time or 'help' conceiving. Guess I was wrong! So now the big question is....should we get married quicker? Or put it off until after the baby is born? I see pluses and minuses to both sides. On one hand, the baby will be born within wedlock. On the other hand, I feel pretty yucky lately...not in the best shape to go jetting off to Hawaii. So any advice out there? You were gonna elope anyway. Do it now, and the baby can be born in wedlock. Also, you might look better in the bride pictures, before the baby bump comes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Janesays Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 Why isn't your fiance's input given more weight in this decision ??? Mr. Lucky He's not the pregnant one. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 He's not the pregnant one. True, but I'm going to assume he had something to do with the conception. Why marginalize his input on this? Having your child born under his name for all parties on the certificate would be important to most men... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 He's not the pregnant one. Ughhhh, i really hope you are joking or else i can already see the cracks in the fundation. I assume he is the father and not some other guy, or that he doesn't mind if it's another guy so ... he has a lot to say on this one. If you were not joking, put it off ... for a longer time. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Congrats, OP! Not seeing how 'being born out of wedlock' would have any impact given your atheism, culture, and laws where you live (on the other hand, in other circumstances I can think of plenty of negative effects). So I'd go with wait til you feel better, personally. What does your fiance think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Janesays Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 Ughhhh, i really hope you are joking or else i can already see the cracks in the fundation. I assume he is the father and not some other guy, or that he doesn't mind if it's another guy so ... he has a lot to say on this one. If you were not joking, put it off ... for a longer time. What you and Mr. Lucky need to understand is that pointing out that I'm pregnant is NOT some big feminist statement. It is merely me saying that while my fiance feels FINE physically, I AM PREGNANT. Meaning I am SICK and EXHAUSTED and VOMITING and, in case you haven't picked up on in through this post, HORMONAL. So YES, the desires of someone who finds it difficult to get out of bed in the morning unless it is to clutch a toilet bowl outweighs the desires of the one who can physically stand up straight without any problem. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I would suggest scheduling a small wedding (maybe even just the two of you) for when you are in your second trimester and feeling better, with the honeymoon to follow immediately thereafter. If you delay the trip to your third trimester, you will be too large to enjoy exploring Hawaii like you would probably want to do. If you wait until after the baby is born, you will be too tired and preoccupied with the baby to enjoy an extensive trip like that. I had a cross country trip in my second trimester, which was wonderful. I was feeling great, no morning sickness or huge belly and discomfort to deal with. I would not suggest postponing under after the baby is born. You will be too busy and exhausted with the baby to enjoy a long trip. Link to post Share on other sites
Pretty.in.Pink Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 For many, first trimester of pregnancy is awful with morning sickness and feeling tired. It gets better after that. Personally, I wouldn't wait until after the baby is born. As exhausted as you think you are right now, it's generally a lot...LOT...worse after the birth. A whole new level of sleep deprivation you never thought possible plus all the logistics of dealing with a new baby. I would try to get as much couple time as you can before the birth. I understand that you're hormonal, tired, and cranky, but your fiance's opinions and wishes should count. Probably not what you want to hear, but it's concerning that you're so dismissive of your partner's feelings and views on this. Since you were going to elope anyway, why not have have a small, simple civil ceremony at a courthouse second trimester followed by a weekend getaway or mini-honeymoon somewhere special to the two of you? Whatever your choice, I wish you joy and happiness. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Janesays Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 I understand that you're hormonal, tired, and cranky, but your fiance's opinions and wishes should count. Probably not what you want to hear, but it's concerning that you're so dismissive of your partner's feelings and views on this. I'm not dismissive which is why I started this thread. But if I'm too sick to get married right now, I won't. Period. Why should I be pressured into doing something I feel physically incapable of doing right now? Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 What you and Mr. Lucky need to understand is that pointing out that I'm pregnant is NOT some big feminist statement. It is merely me saying that while my fiance feels FINE physically, I AM PREGNANT. Meaning I am SICK and EXHAUSTED and VOMITING and, in case you haven't picked up on in through this post, HORMONAL. So YES, the desires of someone who finds it difficult to get out of bed in the morning unless it is to clutch a toilet bowl outweighs the desires of the one who can physically stand up straight without any problem. And what you haven't figured out so far, is that the decision was joint, and unless you are willing to sign a waiver saying you won't go after him for child support in any case, he will be a fix in that kid's life for 18yrs. Treating your future husband like unimportant and unrelevant is not a great way to start a marriage ... but it is a great way to start a divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 For many, first trimester of pregnancy is awful with morning sickness and feeling tired. It gets better after that. Personally, I wouldn't wait until after the baby is born. As exhausted as you think you are right now, it's generally a lot...LOT...worse after the birth. A whole new level of sleep deprivation you never thought possible plus all the logistics of dealing with a new baby. I would try to get as much couple time as you can before the birth. Good point, i have a friend who spent 8 months after birth sleep deprived and walking around like a zombie, untill her son's sleep cycles normalised. I understand that you're hormonal, tired, and cranky, but your fiance's opinions and wishes should count. Probably not what you want to hear, but it's concerning that you're so dismissive of your partner's feelings and views on this. Since you were going to elope anyway, why not have have a small, simple civil ceremony at a courthouse second trimester followed by a weekend getaway or mini-honeymoon somewhere special to the two of you? Whatever your choice, I wish you joy and happiness. You said it better than i did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Janesays Posted August 7, 2013 Author Share Posted August 7, 2013 And what you haven't figured out so far, is that the decision was joint, and unless you are willing to sign a waiver saying you won't go after him for child support in any case, he will be a fix in that kid's life for 18yrs. Treating your future husband like unimportant and unrelevant is not a great way to start a marriage ... but it is a great way to start a divorce. I am not treating him any such way. He would like us to be married, sure, but he's not 1/4 as concerned as you're making him out to be. In fact, he's more concerned about the health and physical well being of his future wife and child....as honestly neither one of us is doing all that hot right now. In fact, we're quite ill, as I've repeatedly pointed out, and I'm legitimately worried that I may lose this child in the womb. But, yeah, I totally get what you're saying....I should just go ahead and force a wedding anyway. Potential miscarriage be d amned! Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Like someone else said, the first trimester is generally the worst, or so I've heard from every pregnant woman I've ever known. When will you be in your second trimester? I bet you'll be feeling a lot better by then. If it's around the time of your original plan, just keep it. Also, CONGRATULATIONS!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Janesays Posted August 7, 2013 Author Share Posted August 7, 2013 Like someone else said, the first trimester is generally the worst, or so I've heard from every pregnant woman I've ever known. I'm sooo hoping that is true for me, too. But I won't be there until October. Link to post Share on other sites
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