beach Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Meh. I'm not going to be vindictive or drag this out. I'll just take something close to fair, and move on. She's planning on having the other man be part of her life, and I need to get out of her life so I don't need to watch it happen. So why not file? She making you a laughing stock... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 So why not file? She making you a laughing stock... I am going to file. As for the jabs, you're free to post here but lay off the personal attacks. We're going to a counselling session this weekend (not sure why, but we had it scheduled before deciding we were done and she wanted to keep it). After that we'll set up with a mediator because I think we've already got 90% of things sorted out. Then I file with that so it can be executed. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 I can't see any reason to see a counselor with her. She's made her choice clear with her inaction with the m - and focusing her attention on other men. Pay a counselor to help you heal. Or use that money to get the D finished. No reason to wait any longer to file. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Sorry dude , The sooner you get away from her the sooner you can try to recover . I would not waste any money on MC. Spend it on yourself on IC Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Set up an appointment with my bank to find out how much equity I've got access to. Need to hit the magic number, cut her a cheque and she'll be out the door to her new man faster than......well........faster than she cheated on me the first time. Went to yoga by myself yesterday. I have to say, in terms of all the therapy, anti-depressants, exercise, if you can find a restorative yoga class, take it! It is the best thing I've found to cope. After the class, I decided I was going to try to sleep without any prescription stuff. Worked like a charm! Had a bit of a blow up with the STBXW in the morning. Still living together so she told me she's going to be going out Thurs night, Fri night and Sat night. Really bugged me because that is exactly what she did when she was "going out with friends" and treating me like her babysitting service. We agreed that before our conversations get too "explosive" we reserve the right to stop the conversation with "banana" so it doesn't escalate. Getting a little concerned about how I'm going to manage financially with everything, but I figure once I'm on my own, I'll just make it work however I need to. Added bonus. Found out not only did she cheat on me with 5 different guys, but she messed around (no sex) with some others too. Still hard to appreciate how much I need to get out of this relationship, but just more signs I missed out on. Did talk to my STBXW a bit about how it's going to work with her new man. I guess they both have their concerns about each other. She's making him promise to cut way down on his drinking. He's making her promise not to bang other guys. I'm promising to laugh my a$$ off when they both don't do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 Last night I went out to the gym and over to a buddy's for some beers. I had told my STBXW that while we're living together, we should make sure and communicate about when we're planning to come home (if at all) when we go out. I still worry (force of habit). So I sent her a message that I was on my way home and about what time. She was staying over a new guy's place. I was 10 minutes late and she was already in her car, engine running, and drove away as soon as I pulled in. Frustrating and immature behavior, but I need to be the bigger person here and just let that nonsense go. I need to focus on what I want (buying her out and moving her out) and doing whatever I need to do to make that happen. I'm sure I'll go up and down still, but yesterday I was feeling fantastic about all this. Got to keep this mojo running. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Stop being at the mercy of her. Hire a babysitter when u want to go out. I can't imagine watching her be anxious and excited about going to spend the night at her boyfriends house is easy to watch! It's doormat actions on your part. Stop participating that way... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 Stop being at the mercy of her. Hire a babysitter when u want to go out. I can't imagine watching her be anxious and excited about going to spend the night at her boyfriends house is easy to watch! It's doormat actions on your part. Stop participating that way... I am totally OK with it now. You need to go and watch the movie "Roadhouse" Just be nice, until it's time to not be nice. If I kill her with kindness while we are still hashing out the details of our divorce, the quicker and easier it will go. If I start fighting at every turn, it will turn ugly, we'll hire lawyers and we'll just fight and piss money away for a looooooong time. I almost want to encourage this relationship even more! I will be a total trainwreck and I don't have to put in any effort to make that happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I almost want to encourage this relationship even more! I will be a total trainwreck and I don't have to put in any effort to make that happen. There's something to that, from a tactical perspective (assuming you've disconnected the emotional hose to your wife enough to allow you to think tactically about all of this): it's called taking advantage of the "Mr. Wonderful" effect. While she's making plans for the future with Mr. Wonderful and picking out curtains and other such crap, push the divorce through like a greased rocket sled. Because one of two things will happen if their relationship crumbles while the divorce is still pending. 1) She'll twist the breakup into being your fault somehow, and she'll become bitter and vindictive, dragging the divorce out and making it expensive just to punish you, or 2) She'll want to come back to you, her Plan B, and if you have any dignity and self-respect you'll tell her "thanks, but no". Whereupon she'll become bitter and vindictive, dragging the divorce out and making it expensive just to punish you. Time to move, and move fast. You can handle it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 There's something to that, from a tactical perspective (assuming you've disconnected the emotional hose to your wife enough to allow you to think tactically about all of this): it's called taking advantage of the "Mr. Wonderful" effect. While she's making plans for the future with Mr. Wonderful and picking out curtains and other such crap, push the divorce through like a greased rocket sled. Because one of two things will happen if their relationship crumbles while the divorce is still pending. 1) She'll twist the breakup into being your fault somehow, and she'll become bitter and vindictive, dragging the divorce out and making it expensive just to punish you, or 2) She'll want to come back to you, her Plan B, and if you have any dignity and self-respect you'll tell her "thanks, but no". Whereupon she'll become bitter and vindictive, dragging the divorce out and making it expensive just to punish you. Time to move, and move fast. You can handle it. Could not agree more. I can tell she is starting to stress again, just like after the first time we decided to end it. And I know she's getting lots of nattering from the other guy. So the sooner I push this through, the less chance she has to realize what's going on and have the other guy tell her to "go for more." I am a man on a mission. "If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son. I've got 99 problems but a b!$ ain't one" Hit me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Stop being at the mercy of her. Hire a babysitter when u want to go out. I can't imagine watching her be anxious and excited about going to spend the night at her boyfriends house is easy to watch! It's doormat actions on your part. Stop participating that way... I am totally OK with it now. You need to go and watch the movie "Roadhouse" Just be nice, until it's time to not be nice. If I kill her with kindness while we are still hashing out the details of our divorce, the quicker and easier it will go. If I start fighting at every turn, it will turn ugly, we'll hire lawyers and we'll just fight and piss money away for a looooooong time. I almost want to encourage this relationship even more! I will be a total trainwreck and I don't have to put in any effort to make that happen. I never mentioned anything about nice vs not nice. I simply stated that hiring a babysitter eliminated the need to report to your waiting wife. It would also eliminate watching her anticipation about getting over to her OM's house. She wants to go? Send her off! Hire a babysitter to help you out! Eliminate the need for your xW to know your every move. Don't even tell her your schedule - just say you are busy and have a sitter coming over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 Got back from the bank. Not as great a news as I was hoping. They kept telling me they'll "make it work" to hit my number, but I don't think we'll actually get there. Not sure how that's going to play out. I don't want this stalling at all but I'll be too cash strapped to find the balance elsewhere. But, I gotta believe that this will all just work out somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
nbman Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I'm pulling for you. I am going to do some pro-active information gathering on my house as well to see what equity there is, and what I would need to pay her to get her to move out. If knowledge is power, this is going to be an effective weapon for self-defence... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 I'm pulling for you. I am going to do some pro-active information gathering on my house as well to see what equity there is, and what I would need to pay her to get her to move out. If knowledge is power, this is going to be an effective weapon for self-defence... Do it. Knowledge is definitely power. I did tons of research and knew exactly what I was going to do in each situation that came up. Now that I know my direction, I'm moving like rapid fire to keep everything moving along. If her and I can agree on a number, I've already got my mediator lined up. We'll see him, draft and agreement, then off to the courthouse. Boom, boom, boom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 Ug. Not sure what's going on behind the scene, but my STBXW is starting to get crazier by the minute. Sent me a message to cancel our counseling appointment. Now want to immediately start doing one week on/one week off in our house. I told her I just want to wait until early next week so we know which direction we are going. Got a blow up from that. This nightmare cannot be over soon enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 Things are going to get much worse before they get better. Getting tons of pressure to start doing alternating weeks at our house. I think one reason is she just doesn't want to see me anymore (I could care less). But the other reason is so she can slowly introduce her other man to our child. At first I felt like a jerk because I know this is going to happen anyways and I don't want to cause out child anxiety by being a pain about it. But they want to have family time at our house while it's my week away. I think anything outside of the house is fair game, but not in my house while I still live there. I don't want to escalate things by digging my heels in on this one, but I'm sure I will and hopefully fireworks don't ensue. The amazing thing to me is she doesn't even think twice about all this. She's treated me like garbage for years, and now expects me to help her integrate this other loser into the family "for our child". I know it's complete insanity, but her head is so stuck in the fog it's amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 You are allowed to simply and calmly tell her "NO". She must have a reason - and it doesn't mean you have to go along with it! What was the agreement before she came up with this new idea? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 You are allowed to simply and calmly tell her "NO". She must have a reason - and it doesn't mean you have to go along with it! What was the agreement before she came up with this new idea? Her reason is because she wants to slowly introduce new guy to our child. Have him over for dinner, etc. They're going to get a place together so my STBXW is worried it will be too much of a transition if our child suddenly spends a week in a new house with a new guy there. We initially talked about doing one week on/one week off at our house while we figured stuff out. But initially she let me know he'd be staying over too. I said no 'effin way. Now it's down to just visits and dinners, but I still think I don't need to support that in my house. Outside of the house is out of my control. So no formal agreements. She probably just thinks I'm trying to sabotage their new love and life together. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Her reason is because she wants to slowly introduce new guy to our child. Have him over for dinner, etc. They're going to get a place together so my STBXW is worried it will be too much of a transition if our child suddenly spends a week in a new house with a new guy there. We initially talked about doing one week on/one week off at our house while we figured stuff out. But initially she let me know he'd be staying over too. I said no 'effin way. Now it's down to just visits and dinners, but I still think I don't need to support that in my house. Outside of the house is out of my control. So no formal agreements. She probably just thinks I'm trying to sabotage their new love and life together. This is blowing my mind right now. I don't even dare to tell my husband I'd like to separate...and she wants another man in your marital home? While you still live there? Why would HE want to be there?? Who is this weirdo? There is no way I could ever do this to my husband, there is also no way I would WANT to bring a man to this house?? Which one of you is keeping the house in the long run? Sounds like you are...so what is she thinking?????? Why would this guy even want to be in YOUR house... I'm baffled. Sometimes I think I am so messed up and then I read this stuff and I'm like "nope..more normal than ya think!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Her reason is because she wants to slowly introduce new guy to our child. Have him over for dinner, etc. They're going to get a place together so my STBXW is worried it will be too much of a transition if our child suddenly spends a week in a new house with a new guy there. We initially talked about doing one week on/one week off at our house while we figured stuff out. But initially she let me know he'd be staying over too. I said no 'effin way. Now it's down to just visits and dinners, but I still think I don't need to support that in my house. Outside of the house is out of my control. So no formal agreements. She probably just thinks I'm trying to sabotage their new love and life together. Where I am - if she moves in with him - she forfeits all support money from the H! When she has her place - tell her there's no reason to be in your home! Look, your child will adjust! Mommy popping in and out will more likely confuse her more! What's the deal? What's going to be in her home she doesn't want your child exposed to? Drugs maybe? Start checking! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 This is blowing my mind right now. I don't even dare to tell my husband I'd like to separate...and she wants another man in your marital home? While you still live there? Why would HE want to be there?? Who is this weirdo? There is no way I could ever do this to my husband, there is also no way I would WANT to bring a man to this house?? Which one of you is keeping the house in the long run? Sounds like you are...so what is she thinking?????? Why would this guy even want to be in YOUR house... I'm baffled. Sometimes I think I am so messed up and then I read this stuff and I'm like "nope..more normal than ya think!" I'm pretty sure they're both in fantasy land about building their lives together, sharing our child, a wonderful future, whatever. And I think they both gave up caring about my feelings and my home long ago. I'm sure they've screwed in just about every room we have. The plan right now is for me to keep the house. I was thinking about it today. I'm doing all the legwork related to everything in terms of separating. The only thing she's working on is how to break the news to our child that there is another man going to be entering into her life. Messed up doesn't even begin to describe where I see all this going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 Where I am - if she moves in with him - she forfeits all support money from the H! When she has her place - tell her there's no reason to be in your home! Look, your child will adjust! Mommy popping in and out will more likely confuse her more! What's the deal? What's going to be in her home she doesn't want your child exposed to? Drugs maybe? Start checking! The week on/week off thing at our house is only until she finds a place with her new man. Once she has a place, we'll be shuffling our child back and forth weeks. As for forfeiting money, I'm not sure what you mean. When she's gone, it's because I paid her to go away. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 There is no way in hell I'd go along with this alternating schedule. Your wife started this dance, she should be the one inconvenienced by it and not you. But I'd put it to her as cooly and calmly as possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 There is no way in hell I'd go along with this alternating schedule. Your wife started this dance, she should be the one inconvenienced by it and not you. But I'd put it to her as cooly and calmly as possible. Agreed. I'm going to try to delay telling her the formal news that I'm not up for leaving the house. I was being gas-lighted for so long by her I still have flashes of "I am the one who is crazy here?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 No way on the on/off weeks............that's just plain stupid. Tell her hell no! What beach meant by her moving in with OM forfeiting money......alimony. If you were required to pay her alimony in the divorce...she would forfeit that money if she lives with another man. Good little bit of knowledge to have go on honey! Please move in with your dirtbag..I want you to! Here, let me help you pack! You need help finding a place???? I'll keep my eye out for you guys......Take her dude, PLEASE take her!! She's all yours! LMAO! Let him have her! Alimony is pretty much already off the table. We just need to split the assets and hopefully avoid child support. I know I'm going to walk away with more of the debt, but I just want this to end. Since the full blown separation talks started again, I jumped back on the scale this morning. Losing weight again. Hopefully I don't hit the low I did a few months back. Link to post Share on other sites
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