Here goes

[Yasuandio]

You know, I'm surprised that you haven't started this yet; or, if you have, you haven't written about it yet.

 

Changing the house up. Buying new furniture, painting the walls a new color. Taking down anything that would remind you of her. Moving furniture around. Taking a room and making it your "mancave". Put new art up on the walls. New photos that don't include her.

 

The one thing about MOST women is that they pride themselves on making a house a home and they are instrumental in the interior design of the place that they make their home. By redesigning the place to YOUR liking is a slap in the face and a wake up call for them, that this place isn't theirs anymore. That they have NO SAY in what you do to the house anymore. IF she's having problems with her "boy toy" she seems to want to run over there a lot of the times. Because it's familiar, safe and secure for her.

 

It lets them know that you are moving on, that you are erasing all traces of them. That they no long have a "home base" or a "headquarters". That this place is unfamiliar to them now.

 

If you don't believe me, try it. Guarantee you she'll say something about it.

 

This is perfectly correct advice! It would give you a great feeling!

 

There's only one problem, the "pissing her part." Especially at this moment. I smell a rat. Ten to one, she's up to no good. File before re-decorating.

 

Evidence needs to be in a form that can be visible to a Judge (don't count your eggs before they come out - sometimes there is a double yolk). Yas

[RightThere]

There's only one problem, the "pissing her part." Especially at this moment. I smell a rat. Ten to one, she's up to no good. File before re-decorating.

 

I totally agree. Something is up, and I am not sure what yet.

 

I do believe that she is a bit rocky with her boyfriend right now, but they are still together and doing things. And I believe that she would now like to buy me out of our place, so maybe she just feels like coming back to mark her territory.

 

I just really don't know where her head is at. If she wants to get her own place just to cool things off with her boyfriend, there is no way she can afford our place all on her own.

 

I think all of this is just the combination of her fighting with her boyfriend, wanting a break and getting it back at our house. Once she was there, she forgot how much she liked it and figured "now I gotta have it."

 

I need to keep all this moving forward, but I think she's really trying to stall it. I was trying to make filing for divorce easier by including the separation agreement with it, but I think I do need to just file and make things a little messy.

[TheBladeRunner]

Mediation is for reasonable, rational people to work out their differences IMO, she does not sound reasonable. If it were me RT, I'd go for a lawyer to deal with all of it. I could not fathom my XW living with me, no way. It may be time to take off the gloves and go full blown lawyer, JMO.

[RightThere]

Mediation is for reasonable, rational people to work out their differences IMO, she does not sound reasonable. If it were me RT, I'd go for a lawyer to deal with all of it. I could not fathom my XW living with me, no way. It may be time to take off the gloves and go full blown lawyer, JMO.

 

Yeah, the upcoming mediation meeting will be telling. We were pretty close to having everything settled a month ago. Now, providing she shows up for this, I'm not sure what to expect. If it is significantly sideways, then I probably will have to go legal.

 

Problem is she won't tell me at all what she wants. And honestly I'm not sure she even knows. She just wanted her perfect little world to continue where she bangs other dudes, I pay the bills, and we get together once in a while to chat.

[dumped2013]

Do you have a current appraisal on the house? I assume 1/2 equity would be the buyout for whomever stays in the house. Can she come up with 1/2 the equity to actually buy you out?

[RightThere]

Do you have a current appraisal on the house? I assume 1/2 equity would be the buyout for whomever stays in the house. Can she come up with 1/2 the equity to actually buy you out?

 

I got one when I was planning the buy out. My bank financing is all in place, just need to get the separation agreement done.

 

I was also assuming a lot more of the debt, which was part of the package. Now she's saying she wants to buy me out for the same. I don't want to move, but if I am getting bought out she'll have to take back some more of the debt. Plus I do have an "ace in the hole" if things get real sticky. She has a huge asset that I have verbally told her I have no intention of touching. But legally I'm entitled to it. It's worth way more than this small change she wants to argue over. So if we were to go to court, I would get way more than I'm asking for now.

 

But to answer your question, she hasn't done jack in the way of figuring out if she could finance the house. And she does not have the money today to buy me out. Her boyfriend might have it, but I don't know what's going on there. And on her own, she cannot afford the place. Not even close.

[TheBladeRunner]

Problem is she won't tell me at all what she wants. And honestly I'm not sure she even knows. She just wanted her perfect little world to continue where she bangs other dudes, I pay the bills, and we get together once in a while to chat.

 

What do you mean you don't know what she wants????? Gaaaaw! I had the same issue and much like yourself I am not Mezmo the Magician and cannot read minds. You are more than likely correct in assuming she doesn't know what she wants, the FOG is still upon her and I feel it is a very high probability that her and her dream man are on the outs. I don't know you personally, but from what I read you seem to have it together. Ya' have to wonder if she's starting to realize "hmmmmm........maybe RT is not such a bad guy after all". I know mine thinks that, she tells me off and on that she misses me and the way things were. All I can say is it must be pretty bad in her "magical kingdom" since she wants to stay in your house.

[RightThere]

What do you mean you don't know what she wants????? Gaaaaw! I had the same issue and much like yourself I am not Mezmo the Magician and cannot read minds. You are more than likely correct in assuming she doesn't know what she wants, the FOG is still upon her and I feel it is a very high probability that her and her dream man are on the outs. I don't know you personally, but from what I read you seem to have it together. Ya' have to wonder if she's starting to realize "hmmmmm........maybe RT is not such a bad guy after all". I know mine thinks that, she tells me off and on that she misses me and the way things were. All I can say is it must be pretty bad in her "magical kingdom" since she wants to stay in your house.

 

I don't think she's wanted to consider getting back together just because as soon as I put my foot down on certain things, she gets really ugly. But the rest of the time I've tried to be pleasant, and not in a fake way. And I've really worked on getting my $#^! together the last little bit. She's probably a bit surprised I've had such a change.

 

I definitely think the reality of Captain Fabulous is setting in. And she may be keeping him on the line until she finds out where she's actually going to land. It's funny because he is as spineless as they come. He's like a puppy that can't get beat down enough by her. And yeah, the Magical Kingdom must be pretty awful if she doesn't want him around our daughter at all anymore.

 

I'm just bummed that things were actually getting to a point of resolution, and now she's just decided that she's in charge of changing everything. Hopefully I'll know a lot more in a week as to where we are going.

[RightThere]

Is it possible to have some great progress and a setback all at the same time?

 

STBXW stayed for the weekend. Kept things mostly civil, but I had a huge trigger on Saturday and got really worked up from it. So I confronted my STBXW about what was going on, why she needed to stay here, what she wanted from me.

 

Turns out, yes. Things are falling apart quickly over in fantasy land. I took everything she said with a grain of salt mind you. He is still drinking way too much. He is also physically breaking things when he gets worked up. He lied to her about wanted to have kids. So basically my STBXW will only have our daughter over there when he is not around. She is also actively looking for her own place now. She was planning to buy her own place in the spring, but is needing to get a rental place now. So knowing all this, I told her that if she needs a safe place, we'll make something work temporarily. So after that, we have a much better communication relationship now. There's your great progress.

 

I also let it slip that I do hold out some false hope for us. And there's your setback.

 

I told her that this separation has been really good for me, and that I think we still needed to get divorced. But admitting that I still hold out false hope made me feel like I've spiraled backwards. I'm not pining for her or waiting around. It was just hard to realize I do still love her.

 

And as a funny bit of info, my STBXW told me that her boyfriend was actually copying a lot of my qualities for whatever reason. He used to own a truck. But I bought a black car at one point, so shortly after he went out and traded in his truck for a black car. I've always been a scotch drinker, so he started to get into scotch. I also have a small cigar collection, so of course, he started getting into cigar smoking. I guess I was creating my own "mini me" without even knowing it.

 

So in terms of where I'm at. In a much better communication state with my STBXW. But worse off in that I let myself fall back into old habits of feeling the way I'm feeling towards her. But I will still be going down this divorce path because it has helped me.

[RightThere]

Talking to my STBXW. She's found a temporary place of her own that she'll be moving into this weekend. Sounds like her boyfriend isn't going to crazy just yet, but I'm fairly out of the loop on that.

 

We've got mediation set for tonight. With everything going on in my STBXW's world, she was wanting to put it off again. I just told her I want to get everything on paper for now. She doesn't need to sign the separation agreement right away, but the important stuff is basically decided. She's just more concerned about division of some of the household items and I told her I won't fight her on much there.

 

Tough couple of days for me personally just with my thoughts about where things are at now. I've actually swung back a little in my thought process that I do wish we could try some real reconciliation work. But I won't tell her that. Mostly for two reasons:

 

(1) I know that she needs some time to herself. Without anyone (me or her boyfriend) yapping in her ear about what we think she needs. I've told her this and she agrees. Time will tell if she actually allows that to happen.

 

(2) I am not where I need to be fully yet either. I am in a much better state today than I have ever been and would definitely be able to better work on building a great relationship with her. But I also believe it's still too early because I may fall back into old habits too quickly.

 

It's tough because deep down, I know we are better together than apart. But I have to think with my head as opposed to my heart right now. And my head says I need to stick with this plan for 6 months. Once that is done, I can re-evaluate and she what I want to do then.

[GorillaTheater]

I need to keep all this moving forward, but I think she's really trying to stall it. I was trying to make filing for divorce easier by including the separation agreement with it, but I think I do need to just file and make things a little messy.

 

I've found both in my professional and personal life, that once in a while just throwing a monkey wrench into the works is a positive move.

[RightThere]

So from the weekend. We met with the mediator and pretty much hashed everything out. Once I get the final copy it will be a matter of just getting it signed. My guess is it will take her a while to actually sign it.

 

Helped her move into her own new place. She should be totally out of her boyfriend's place by the end of this week. From talking to my STBXW, she's planning on ending it with him shortly after she's totally moved out. He seems a bit clueless on the issue, but of course I'm getting the story from my STBXW.

 

And of course, I had to dig myself deeper into this hole I'm in. Had some good talks with my STBXW, but also said that overall, I wished that someday we had the opportunity to try and actually work things out. Even kissed her at one point. But we agreed that this separation still needed to happen, and 6 months of committing to it is in both our best interests.

 

Right now, I feel strangely good about it. I was able to say what I want, but still know deep down that we need to be separated for a while. And I'll continue to be separated from her. But we'll still do some family activities in the meantime. I have no interest in dating, so I don't feel the need to add that complication to my life. My mind is racing a bit about what to do with my STBXW (or what not to do) but I'll just take it as it comes. Not going to push anything, but easier said than done.

[dumped2013]

Just take it slow and keep in mind what she has put you through. You don't want to fall into the same hurt again.

[RightThere]

Just take it slow and keep in mind what she has put you through. You don't want to fall into the same hurt again.

 

I'm going to be focused on that. Her and I starting up anything again in the near future would be a big mistake. I know I'm much better, but I know that she needs the break from being in a relationship.

 

I think trying to be friends may be a poor decision on my part, but I'm hoping I can recognize if anything gets out of control. If she uses this opportunity to fall into old habits, then I think I'll be quick and smart enough to put a stop to everything.

[RightThere]

Just take it slow and keep in mind what she has put you through. You don't want to fall into the same hurt again.

 

Going back through her old emails is helping keep some perspective and keep me level.

[beach]

How can you know her BF isn't angry because she likes to engage her backup plans with other men?

 

It could be she has multiple OM and he's noticing now...?

 

It may be she wanted her own place to see multiple men now.

 

 

Yes, in the D papers - request her money if legally you're entitled to it. Being nice to her won't change the results = you can't make her into a decent woman.

 

IF you get back together - you know what you get = a woman who will always search for a variety of men to feed her ego.

[RightThere]

How can you know her BF isn't angry because she likes to engage her backup plans with other men?

 

It could be she has multiple OM and he's noticing now...?

 

It may be she wanted her own place to see multiple men now.

 

Entirely possible. My eyes are much more open now to things so I do have all these thoughts in my head as well. I am keeping my distance still almost in an attempt to allow these things to possibly come up. That will be a measure of her real commitment to getting better.

 

Yes, in the D papers - request her money if legally you're entitled to it. Being nice to her won't change the results = you can't make her into a decent woman.

 

I'm not sure what one has to do with the other. I'm leaving some things of the table from this divorce simply because the fight for them won't be worth it to me. It is not small dollars, but the fight will be too emotionally taxing.

 

IF you get back together - you know what you get = a woman who will always search for a variety of men to feed her ego.

 

This is the current woman for sure. Obviously one of my conditions IF things were to being repairing would be her commitment to stop seeking other men to fill the voids she feels she has in her life.

[2sunny]

It's not in her DNA to stop needing the ego strokes other men provide.

 

She hasn't done the hard work on herself necessary to change the heart of soul of herself.

 

There's nothing to consider - she hasn't changed?

 

You have a woman with no conscience. Stop thinking she's decent - she isn't.

 

Why is that good enough to even consider?

 

Letting her stay at your home allows her to believe she can still manipulate you.

 

I hope you gain some strength and courage to accept reality and move forward.

[RightThere]

It's not in her DNA to stop needing the ego strokes other men provide.

 

She hasn't done the hard work on herself necessary to change the heart of soul of herself.

 

There's nothing to consider - she hasn't changed?

 

You have a woman with no conscience. Stop thinking she's decent - she isn't.

 

Why is that good enough to even consider?

 

Letting her stay at your home allows her to believe she can still manipulate you.

 

I hope you gain some strength and courage to accept reality and move forward.

 

I was moving forward very well. I got pulled back in when she needed help, and now I've fallen way backwards.

 

And you are right that she hasn't changed. I know she's made some of her own personal discoveries, but real change has not occurred yet.

 

Truthfully, I don't know what the hell I'm doing now. I haven't stopped putting in the work I was previously doing to move on. The only difference now is I've added to work to rebuild our relationship.

 

But following along with the 180, I shouldn't have one of those "relationship" talks with her. I should have her initiate that talk. But it's my mind that is now racing as to where we are. I'm sure I'll crack first, but I'm not even sure what I need to say to her to put me back on course.

[beach]

I was moving forward very well. I got pulled back in when she needed help, and now I've fallen way backwards.

 

And you are right that she hasn't changed. I know she's made some of her own personal discoveries, but real change has not occurred yet.

 

Truthfully, I don't know what the hell I'm doing now. I haven't stopped putting in the work I was previously doing to move on. The only difference now is I've added to work to rebuild our relationship.

 

But following along with the 180, I shouldn't have one of those "relationship" talks with her. I should have her initiate that talk. But it's my mind that is now racing as to where we are. I'm sure I'll crack first, but I'm not even sure what I need to say to her to put me back on course.

 

It wouldn't matter what she says - it's her actions that show clearly she's not intending to get back together.

 

She's willing to use you when she needs something - but there's a big difference between what she's doing and what a gal does when she really, desperately wants you.

 

She throws a fit anytime you state a boundary/guideline/change. That's a gal that's not willing to do everything in her power to make it work.

 

 

Does she work? I hope so.

 

When she needs a place for any weekend/day - stop making it easy for her to use you = start saying no to everything she needs/asks for. It's her turn to figure out how to solve her problems.

 

She wants boyfriends? Divorce her. Take your power back and just file the papers.

 

Go back and read your first page - you were sure she wasn't cheating and stated you'd divorce if she had cheated. Then when you realized she cheated - you moved your boundary.

 

It's time to quit moving your boundary to suit her lousy behaviors.

Edited February 7, 2014 by beach

[RightThere]

It wouldn't matter what she says - it's her actions that show clearly she's not intending to get back together.

 

She's willing to use you when she needs something - but there's a big difference between what she's doing and what a gal does when she really, desperately wants you.

 

She throws a fit anytime you state a boundary/guideline/change. That's a gal that's not willing to do everything in her power to make it work.

 

 

Does she work? I hope so.

 

When she needs a place for any weekend/day - stop making it easy for her to use you = start saying no to everything she needs/asks for. It's her turn to figure out how to solve her problems.

 

She wants boyfriends? Divorce her. Take your power back and just file the papers.

 

Go back and read your first page - you were sure she wasn't cheating and stated you'd divorce if she had cheated. Then when you realized she cheated - you moved your boundary.

 

It's time to quit moving your boundary to suit her lousy behaviors.

 

Thanks beach.

 

I do need to restate some boundaries. I went back through some of her emails and there was a really nasty one about one of the first times they got together. Maybe I'm just totally numb to things, but it didn't set me off as much as it should have. But it still reminded me of the terrible things she did to me for a long time.

 

And you are right. There is a difference in what a girl does when she wants you in her life. I can see what she did to have her other man in her life from her emails. But she is not putting in a fraction of that effort to have me in her life.

[dumped2013]

I'm glad that when you think she is trying you pull a few of those emails out to reinforce what she put you through.....

[RightThere]

I'm glad that when you think she is trying you pull a few of those emails out to reinforce what she put you through.....

 

Yeah. They are pretty awful and explicit. It helps me to not sugar coat what happened.

 

It took a long time for me after D-Day to really fathom the depths of what she did, who with, for how long, and what she thought of me during that time.

[2sunny]

What changes are you implementing today?

 

 

Write a list of what you will do.

 

Write another list that maps out clearly your solid, healthy boundary. Stick to that boundary.

 

Don't waiver from what is right to be able to move forward...

[RightThere]

What changes are you implementing today?

 

 

Write a list of what you will do.

 

Write another list that maps out clearly your solid, healthy boundary. Stick to that boundary.

 

Don't waiver from what is right to be able to move forward...

 

I won't lie to you guys. I'm not implementing anything today.

 

I did call her to tell her that I needed to know what she is wanting from me today. She said that she just needed my support because she is in the process of ending it with her OM. She is concerned that it could escalate and there is a chance it could be violent. She has made sure our daughter is no where around this guy anymore.

 

I told her I would do that, because I genuinely am concerned for her safety. This is the bed that she has made, but it's just not in my nature right now to leave her on as island.

 

But I am doing things to move forward. I called our mediator to give him the last few items and I should have the final agreement in about 2 weeks.

 

But I won't B.S. anyone here. I'm moving back into limbo in my head. None of my actions have really changed, I just know in my head I've allowed reconciliation thoughts to creep back in.