dumped2013 Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 If she is moving stuff out of the guys house she needs to have the police there not you. It can and probably will get ugly. The police will do that and she probably needs to get a restraining order against him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted February 7, 2014 Author Share Posted February 7, 2014 If she is moving stuff out of the guys house she needs to have the police there not you. It can and probably will get ugly. The police will do that and she probably needs to get a restraining order against him. She has some friends in law enforcement who are in the loop and will be first responding. I'm not planning on being there. The support she is looking for is more emotional right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Face it man, you are not serious about mediation, you are placating yourself and U's. You are longing to have her in your bed tonite so you can give her fuzzy wuzzy emotional support she needs after such a tramatic event with her lover (even if that guy's deposits still lie deep within her body). Drama. Psychological Term (before you do it): Hysterical Bonding. I know you better Google that one. I say go shopping now so you're stocked up for the honeymoon. Champagne, chocolates, roses, bathoil, maybe some kinky toys (get overnight shipping from adamandevedotcom). Oh yeah, food. Deli, deli deli. The grocery even has wonderful such - grab 4 of those. Everything pre-prepared. No hassles, don't make he lift a little finger. Eggs are easy to stir up, and you can just trash the dirty pans in the cabinet. Toast with some exotic jam - spend $3.50 on a brand name. Stoffers makes great entry's and you can pretend to b chef- don't let her in kitchen. She will like that dominance. Act like Gorden Ramsey. He's got it going on, or he used to. Haha. Liquor store -- most important stop. STOCK UP. You don't wanna leave the house, just in case of ..... From that aviator you've selected - I've got some concerns. Get a complete majeover dude like now. Haircut, coloune, kick'in outfit, and boots. Don't kiss her on first date. Make her wait and druwl. Man, I should go in business. Yas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted February 7, 2014 Author Share Posted February 7, 2014 Face it man, you are not serious about mediation, you are placating yourself and U's. You are longing to have her in your bed tonite so you can give her fuzzy wuzzy emotional support she needs after such a tramatic event with her lover (even if that guy's deposits still lie deep within her body). Drama. Psychological Term (before you do it): Hysterical Bonding. I know you better Google that one. I say go shopping now so you're stocked up for the honeymoon. Champagne, chocolates, roses, bathoil, maybe some kinky toys (get overnight shipping from adamandevedotcom). Oh yeah, food. Deli, deli deli. The grocery even has wonderful such - grab 4 of those. Everything pre-prepared. No hassles, don't make he lift a little finger. Eggs are easy to stir up, and you can just trash the dirty pans in the cabinet. Toast with some exotic jam - spend $3.50 on a brand name. Stoffers makes great entry's and you can pretend to b chef- don't let her in kitchen. She will like that dominance. Act like Gorden Ramsey. He's got it going on, or he used to. Haha. Liquor store -- most important stop. STOCK UP. You don't wanna leave the house, just in case of ..... From that aviator you've selected - I've got some concerns. Get a complete majeover dude like now. Haircut, coloune, kick'in outfit, and boots. Don't kiss her on first date. Make her wait and druwl. Man, I should go in business. Yas I do take all of this in and process it. Thank you for your honesty. The avatar is a joke, however. Having a self deprecating sense of humour, I needed to chose the most pathetic divorce guy I could think of (insert "No you are" comments below this). I'm the David Letterman of LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I do take all of this in and process it. Thank you for your honesty. The avatar is a joke, however. Having a self deprecating sense of humour, I needed to chose the most pathetic divorce guy I could think of (insert "No you are" comments below this). I'm the David Letterman of LS. I am me. Be strong. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 So - she's breaking up with her lover and wants your support? Your understanding? No way man!!! The best response to any of her crap is "you can handle what you created!" Stop letting her wipe her crappy feet all over you! She made it this way = it's HERS only to handle! When she asks for help - tell her no! Love yourself a little MORE than you love her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 So - she's breaking up with her lover and wants your support? Your understanding? No way man!!! The best response to any of her crap is "you can handle what you created!" Stop letting her wipe her crappy feet all over you! She made it this way = it's HERS only to handle! When she asks for help - tell her no! Love yourself a little MORE than you love her. Great advice, man. But it is too LATE. He's gone all gooey-eooiey. It's like yucky corpse juice dripping outta the effing chimney. Forget it. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Sheez, she treats you like crap - and you stand there asking for her to treat you even crappier. Have you seen a counselor? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Rightthere, if you want her, then take her and love her and don't let anyone tell you that you have no chance. You make your own chance. Does she want you, too? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Rightthere, if you want her, then take her and love her and don't let anyone tell you that you have no chance. You make your own chance. Does she want you, too? She wants her own place - she wants men... She wants her H to be a safety net while she's out chasing other men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Think sometimes people have go through this process to see things clearly and evenually move forward whatever direction that ends up... i hope RightThere you don't end up getting hurt, it all seems very easy for her to me. good luck SS x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Worst case of codependency I have ever seen. Your the puppy that got on to the freeway, we all watch, we know what's coming and you are oblivious. Do you think her/your friends that are helping her move think you are pathetic? Does it matter because they will always be around after this is over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 She's only doing what you allow. Since you've allowed her to treat you poorly - she's only doing what is expected = to keep treating you that way. In your first few pages - you stated: She's not cheating - if she was, you'd divorce her. Then you found she was cheating - and started bending to her low level to "try and make her happy". You continue to participate hoping this "player" will take you back. She hasn't indicated wanting to come back and grow the M to a healthier state. She just keeps asking you to participate by being "understanding" while she does whoever she pleases. And you do that. She has no respect or regard for you. You have no boundary for yourself since you keep participating in her little evil dance. Are you giving her money? Why not stop all communications and stop participating? That way you may start on that road to respecting yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Twernip Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 RightThere, I have followed the story of You since the beginning; your despair and gradual rediscovery of your Self...you have been an inspiration. Everyone that's on here have your best interests in mind whenever and whatever they post; and I cannot add to the great advice they've given except to say that, whatever you decide to do, *please* have a care for your heart. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) Hey RT, like I said in a post on this thread awhile back, either way I support what you do. I went through this stuff with mine as well, when the original OM broke up with her she began blubbering when I went to pick up my daughter. I listened for about 5 minutes then I promptly told her I didn't want to hear it and she needs to call one her so called "wonderful friends" to discuss this. I'm a lot like you, I have no real desire to see her suffer, but this is the rout she chose. She has people that can help her, let her go to them. It's not your job to clean up after her anymore. I know the thoughts of the R are still in your mind, I get it. I am sitting here today and both my daughter and I are not feeling well, in a case like today, I often think how great it was when we were a family and we took care of each other. I had those thoughts last night when my buddy was over with his daughter (he is still married) and he asked me if I ever get lonely. I have to admit I do. My point is this: no matter how much I miss what was, I know that even if I do go back it will never be the same because she chose to put me in second place and disregard any of my feelings. Do what you feel you need to do my friend, but please look out for yourself. A tiger cannot change it's stripes and she's only keeping you at arms length, with her terms because she is having a bad time. If you do decide to R, what will she do when she hits tough times with you, and let's face it, with the situation you guys had if you do R, there will be some very difficult times ahead. What will she do when that happens? Perhaps the same thing: move out and/or run away. Be cautious my friend, you have come along way, guard yourself, your daughter is depending on you. Edited February 9, 2014 by TheBladeRunner spelling 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RunOverDad Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Please remember to look out for yourself and daughter first. If there is an opening move slowly and on your terms. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lordsnow Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 i have to say man you deserve better, way way better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 I appreciate everyone's concerns. I have many myself as well. I spent the weekend thinking about things and even trying to fight off some of this returning depression. I do need to set some proper boundaries. She has been doing some of the right things, and definitely saying the right things. But I also know that she is still stringing along her OM because she hasn't formally broken up with him (or maybe it's me getting strung along). So I will let her know that I cannot accept the situation. I cannot share her, and I won't allow her to continue dragging out her dual life that she wants to live. I realized I was doing again what I was doing during our "fake reconciliation". I'm the one bearing my soul, doing the heavy lifting, and getting not the same in return. And that is why I'm starting to become depressed again. So this will just be my first step to correct things. I don't know what my second step will be, but I'll know hopefully after taking the first one. Thanks for everyone for their support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 I am just riding this pathetic train to the last stop apparently. So I sent my STBXW a message just letting her know that I wasn't going to do this anymore. She's either with him, or she's willing to work on things with me. I wasn't going to share her, and I wasn't going to allow myself to put in all the hard work without her doing the same. I was tired of making her fight for me. Deep down I actually thought I might get a response of "You're right. I'm all in on this." But I didn't. I got a campy version of how she's glad I am honest and feeling this way. And I deserve to ask for those things. And that she does love me. But I know talk is cheap. And I have not been this depressed in a while. There's a few other things that have gone really sideways in my life the last little while, and this is just the icing on the cake. I feel now like I have to put effort back into just "doing" things to keep me going. I can't believe how much I've allowed this to set me back. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) She acknowledged you - and now you know. But you already knew. Now you can get busy living! Take a few hobbies. See friends! And get the D moving and finalized to when you're ready to date - you're free! And don't communicate with her any further - if you're done - then there's nothing to discuss unless she deals with your attorney. Have your actions match your words - that you aren't participating in her crazy life any longer. Edited February 11, 2014 by 2sunny 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 She acknowledged you - and now you know. But you already knew. It's funny. There was another thread where someone sent a similar message to their STBXW and got a similar response. I'm sure my advice at that time was "She's done. In the fog still. Move along." And yet here I am in the same situation and I struggle to process my own advice. I'm really back to a minute by minute mental check of myself. It's like being right after D-Day where I can't focus on anything. Depressed and obsessing. Still holding onto some false hope. But I will focus on just doing things. I found the last few days I was slipping back into seclusion and not doing the things that were previously keeping me going. And I recognize the emotions I'm feeling are identical to those I felt during our "fake reconciliation" period. Man this is awful. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) Take yourself out of her game. Time for crickets, detach, save yourself. There was life before her and there will be amazing life without this lying cheater in your life. Really think about it, even if you were alone for 8 months or a year, no one's lying or cheating on you, is that worse than what you have now? hell no! The women in Canada are gorgeous. Edited February 12, 2014 by aliveagain Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time. My STBXW invited me over for dinner. She had our daughter last night. I told her I couldn't because I would not while she was still with her OM. It really tore me up inside because I hated choosing not to spend time with my daughter, but also because I was choosing not to spend time with my STBXW. She gave me the song and dance about how she is going to be leaving her OM, but I know they have big plans for Valentine's Day. I know it was good for me to do that again, but still hard. Also got a call from our mediator. Final separation agreement is ready, but the bill on it was significantly more than I was expecting. And my TV died last night. Which REALLY sucks for a single guy. Finances are already stretched. Plus a few other things going sideways but I wanted to limit it to three so I can say "Bad things only happen in threes." Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Since she's still involved with him - and you aren't her top priority - she's put you in a position like an OM. I think it's good you told her no to dinner - the hard decisions are usually the tough decisions. Did you tell her the sep agr is ready and she owes half? Is she working? You need her working and paying her own way... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Since she's still involved with him - and you aren't her top priority - she's put you in a position like an OM. I hear what you are saying. I feel like she's suddenly cheating on her OM with me. Telling me how unhappy she is, how she wants to leave him, how she misses us. I totally recognize it as more wanting what she can't have. Did you tell her the sep agr is ready and she owes half? Is she working? You need her working and paying her own way... I did tell her. And she says she'll pay her half. And she is working. Full time. Link to post Share on other sites
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