It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 So We had our counselling session last night. She did come clean with the affairs. As for the current other guy, I told her either he's never at the running group, or she isn't. She agreed. She also committed to 100% in repairing the damage done and the relationship. The counselor asked me if I was 100% committed to fixing the relationship as well. I told them I would be. I know that is contrary to most of the advice I've been given. However I feel like this is the real first day of any kind of rebuild. Anything before this was a waste because there was always something else in the background. I'm not naive to anything. There is a lot of work to be done and I could totally get burned again. But I did follow what was in my heart. I know that all of this comes with great risk. Not just for me. And I hope my eyes are opened as to what could be set backs. But I am going to commit to try. I appreciate all of the advice, including everything contrary to what I do. Right... I am glad this turned out the way you want. I am puzzled by her turn around from yesterday saying she was not prepared to work at it, that she is angry and lazy to being 100% in? I am sure you recognise that those top who things are vastly different commitments. How did she explain. I do worry for you, based on everything you have said, it still seems like its all you that is trying and taking the blame. Did the counselor say anything to her about all her lying? I want to be happy for you. But I am not, it still feels like you are being taken advantage of. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 I hope you will work on healthy balance. As you stated - your heart is out of balance - and your decisions are quick to forgive - while she hasn't yet done any of the hard work to repair the marriage. She knows you'll stay no matter what - so expect more cheating. Look at your boundaries - they are too loose. She should NEVER be going to the running club EVER again - and SHE should be offering that new action - yet you didn't require it. I wish you luck - I think you just agreed to allow her to cheat more and put up with it. Ask the counselor to help you learn to respect yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 She should NEVER be going to the running club EVER again The running club was never the issue. She was involved in this long before guy #2 ever started doing it. Guy #1 never did the running. She knew both of these guys long before from other parts of her life. However that boundary is in place regarding this. Either he quits the group or she does. That was definitive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 I do worry for you, based on everything you have said, it still seems like its all you that is trying and taking the blame. I definitely am not taking all the blame. I made it very clear that crossing that line with the affairs was not me. However the other parts of our relationship I have blame in. That's just a fact. I am puzzled by her turn around from yesterday saying she was not prepared to work at it, that she is angry and lazy to being 100% in? I am sure you recognise that those top who things are vastly different commitments. How did she explain. Yeah. It is a flip flop. And I do know that. Some of the explanation involves part of what I cannot share here. And I won't pretend that I'm not taking a leap of faith in believing that she will commit and work. We're still only just 2 days from having Pandora's Box opened (not a great analogy but you get the idea). It's a lot to process so things could be totally different next week. And I'm prepared for any change. I want to be happy for you. But I am not, it still feels like you are being taken advantage of. Don't be happy for me. This is the first day of something totally new. It could become something much worse than I imagined. But I am willing to try. Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 Am I the only one here who smells something FISHY here? It seems too good to be true...sudden change of heart and confession.I hope it is all real and no games are going on here.You deserve the truth. REVITUP 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 I wish you luck - I think you just agreed to allow her to cheat more and put up with it. Ask the counselor to help you learn to respect yourself. Your honesty is appreciated. I do mean that. Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 I definitely am not taking all the blame. I made it very clear that crossing that line with the affairs was not me. However the other parts of our relationship I have blame in. That's just a fact. Yeah. It is a flip flop. And I do know that. Some of the explanation involves part of what I cannot share here. And I won't pretend that I'm not taking a leap of faith in believing that she will commit and work. We're still only just 2 days from having Pandora's Box opened (not a great analogy but you get the idea). It's a lot to process so things could be totally different next week. And I'm prepared for any change. Don't be happy for me. This is the first day of something totally new. It could become something much worse than I imagined. But I am willing to try. After I posted,this showed up.I think the devil is in the explanation! I hope the "explanation" isn't that you accepted the blame for everything. REVITUP Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 I hope the "explanation" isn't that you accepted the blame for everything. REVITUP It does not. I can assure you of that. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 The running club was never the issue. She was involved in this long before guy #2 ever started doing it. Guy #1 never did the running. She knew both of these guys long before from other parts of her life. However that boundary is in place regarding this. Either he quits the group or she does. That was definitive. You know you can't control what he does or doesn't do, right? So that leaves one person to say they will never, ever go again - and risk seeing him - that one person is your wife. SHE can control what SHE does or doesn't do - and if she goes again - then you have your answer - she's not willing to CHANGE EVERYTHING in order to save your marriage. And you can't control her -YOU can only control YOU - and what you do or don't do - what you will or won't tolerate... Link to post Share on other sites
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 I definitely am not taking all the blame. I made it very clear that crossing that line with the affairs was not me. However the other parts of our relationship I have blame in. That's just a fact. The fact here is that you have not really ever had a relationship with her that has not included an affair. Either one underway or the effects of e lies of one. I don't say that to demoralize you, but to try to get you to see that the impact of her unfaithfulness and lying has colored your entire relationship, minimally your entire marriage. You can recover from this, but it HAS to start with her, accepting responsibility and making changes that would allow her to be that person. Whenever you say..."I have to accept blame" blah blah blah...I just KNOW that you are internally excusing her because of whatever you think you did. Yeah. It is a flip flop. And I do know that. Some of the explanation involves part of what I cannot share here. The explanation of the flip flop? Or explanation for her affair? I respect you want to keep some things private...although certainly we might change our thought processes in light of different info. And I won't pretend that I'm not taking a leap of faith in believing that she will commit and work. We're still only just 2 days from having Pandora's Box opened (not a great analogy but you get the idea). It's a lot to process so things could be totally different next week. And I'm prepared for any change. Ok...well...we want to be here to support you, even if you don't follow our suggestions to the letter. No matter how it turns out, or changes, from day to day. You do seem to have to learn the hard way.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 Is it right that she has limited consequences? Is it right that you seem to forgive or overlook her bad behavior so easily when she hasn't done any of the HARD WORK for herself? When will she find out WHY she cheated on you? When will she feel motivated to change the core being of her moral compass? How will she learn that she should treat you better? How do you expect her to change when she cheated all these years? WHY should you put up with so little? She cheated! Why aren't you pissed at her? Why do you continue to volunteer to be her doormat? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 You know you can't control what he does or doesn't do, right? So that leaves one person to say they will never, ever go again - and risk seeing him - that one person is your wife. SHE can control what SHE does or doesn't do - and if she goes again - then you have your answer - she's not willing to CHANGE EVERYTHING in order to save your marriage. And you can't control her -YOU can only control YOU - and what you do or don't do - what you will or won't tolerate... I hear what you are saying here, but I think you are hanging onto one part of this story too much. You think that she should never be with this running group again. Does that mean she cannot join any running groups? Does that mean she cannot join any social groups at all? I know this is going to be considered deflecting, but I'm asking a serious question. My comfort zone is yes, she can continue with her running group. But all interaction with the other guy must cease. No grey area. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 The explanation of the flip flop? Or explanation for her affair? I respect you want to keep some things private...although certainly we might change our thought processes in light of different info. I just meant that yes, it is a flip flop from her email the other day. But I went to the counselling session with the mindset of "100% commitment from her or I'm out". I got that yesterday, so I'll continue. If the commitment becomes less than 100%, then we're not working on repairing our relationship anymore. The fact here is that you have not really ever had a relationship with her that has not included an affair. Either one underway or the effects of e lies of one. I don't say that to demoralize you, but to try to get you to see that the impact of her unfaithfulness and lying has colored your entire relationship, minimally your entire marriage. Not totally true, but yeah, mostly true. You do seem to have to learn the hard way.... From one axxhole to another, you should know that's just how we roll. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 You're missing the bigger picture - either she's willing to DO anything and EVERYTHING to change / save the M - or she won't! Start making absurd requests! She how willing she is! Ether she will do everything you request or she will show that she unwilling to make the M work. It's not up to YOU to fix this - it's up to her! She should be offering lots of new solutions - that invoke change - and build trust. Is she doing that? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 My comfort zone is yes, she can continue with her running group. But all interaction with the other guy must cease. No grey area. Read this thread - see what you think... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question Link to post Share on other sites
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 You think that she should never be with this running group again. Does that mean she cannot join any running groups? Does that mean she cannot join any social groups at all? I know this is going to be considered deflecting, but I'm asking a serious question. My comfort zone is yes, she can continue with her running group. But all interaction with the other guy must cease. No grey area. I think that this is one of those questions you need to think about. Some BS want to limit all kinds of stuff to help ease their angst. Some BS see that as having to police the WS and it's one more shix sandwich, nobody can answer for you. For me...I judge the willingness of the WS by what they do without asking and without resentment. For example....switching to an all female running club, switching to all female social groups. Voluntarily ending the friendships with the women who facilitated her affairs and anyone else that is not a friend of the marriage. Because ultimately it's up to her to prove to you that she is trustworthy. She's got no credibility IMO so a lot of voluntary changes would have to be made. That's why I don't think you have seen any effort from her. She couldn't come up with anything independently to help you heal. But then again...your DDay was less than a week ago. You probably will decide you want a divorce by Sunday. We can stop rushing you... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 So what's the plan when she meets up with her running group and one of 'her guys' is there? Is her plan to tell you immediately? Is her plan to leave quietly without explaining things to the group? Is her plan to stay and just be quiet and watch her OM? What, exactly is her plan? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 Read this thread - see what you think... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question Good read. There it seemed like they were trying to whole alternating days thing, and the other man was a teacher there (although I still wasn't clear). With me, it's just a group. Everyone is the same. He can leave or she can leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 So what's the plan when she meets up with her running group and one of 'her guys' is there? Is her plan to tell you immediately? Is her plan to leave quietly without explaining things to the group? Is her plan to stay and just be quiet and watch her OM? What, exactly is her plan? Then she leaves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 Some BS want to limit all kinds of stuff to help ease their angst. Some BS see that as having to police the WS and it's one more shix sandwich, nobody can answer for you. For me, I am the latter. I'm not going to allow myself to become the paranoid spouse who tried to rule my wife from under my thumb. For me...I judge the willingness of the WS by what they do without asking and without resentment. For example....switching to an all female running club, switching to all female social groups. Voluntarily ending the friendships with the women who facilitated her affairs and anyone else that is not a friend of the marriage. Yeah, this is one I am thinking about/struggling with. Up until D-Day, there were 5 people who knew. 2 were the other guys, one was a co-worker she confided in, and 2 are friends of hers, one of whom I know helped to facilitate. That is something that stills needs to be brought up. But then again...your DDay was less than a week ago. You probably will decide you want a divorce by Sunday. We can stop rushing you... Exactly. I got half the story Tues night, and the whole story Wed night. I'm still taking everything in as I go. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 Then she leaves. And how do you know if he's there - with her - having eye contact - that shows 'I'm gonna do you' ---> how can you trust her when she's only been completely untrustworthy so far? How about she quits. How about you two join a gym together and go - or go running just the two of you? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 For me, I am the latter. I'm not going to allow myself to become the paranoid spouse who tried to rule my wife from under my thumb. Yeah, this is one I am thinking about/struggling with. Up until D-Day, there were 5 people who knew. 2 were the other guys, one was a co-worker she confided in, and 2 are friends of hers, one of whom I know helped to facilitate. That is something that stills needs to be brought up. Exactly. I got half the story Tues night, and the whole story Wed night. I'm still taking everything in as I go. So - she's still trickle truthing? Still lying? That's not much to work with... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 So - she's still trickle truthing? Still lying? That's not much to work with... If you're referring to the fact that I got half the story Tues, and the full story Wed, that's just how it played out. She had no idea that I knew on Tues, so she gave me the padded version. The Wed version she offered up because she felt like the damage was done, it was out in the open, so may as well have all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 If you're referring to the fact that I got half the story Tues, and the full story Wed, that's just how it played out. She had no idea that I knew on Tues, so she gave me the padded version. The Wed version she offered up because she felt like the damage was done, it was out in the open, so may as well have all of it. Really, just really? And you think it's still ok? She's lying! And lying - and giving you half truths, and trickle truths and lying by omissions. Why haven't you kicked her lying a$$ out the minute she lied again? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 I don't think we can help you- you have no boundary - and since that seems the case - she will just walk and trample all over you! But YOU are ALLOWING it by not doing more to help yourself. So at his point - allowing her to run the show is only your fault...because you're unwilling to set a boundary and do more for yourself. Why are you afraid of her? Link to post Share on other sites
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