BW + adult son having "intervention" w/ my MM right now

[BlissfullyWhich]

He always told me that if he got caught his marriage would be over. He also told me that the only reason he wouldn't leave his W is because his only son would never speak to him again, which would also mean he wouldn't see his granddaughter. Somehow I never believed him. D-day was last Wednesday.

 

Thursday morning she drove three hours away to tell their adult son about her discovery- hundreds of cell phone calls and texts- but he never copped to the A. According to him, BW wants him out (apparently they've already discussed she'd keep the house). He talked to his son, who didn't say much over the phone. The BW brought the granddaughter back to stay with her and MM for the week. Apparently they spent time separately with her. Weird. So now the son is on his way to pick up his daughter. BW is insisting that MM tell their son everything. He refuses to do so. He says that she knows their is an A, but doesn't want to hurt her any more with the gory details. He's also worried all of his stuff would be outside in a bonfire ala "Waiting to Exhale."

 

First, and thoughts around this? Anyone ever heard of /experience this happening?

 

Second, what the heck am I doing? I feel like I'm watching a movie. As thought I'm not even involved. Am I in shock or just insensitive or just curious about the train wreck I helped create? This last week and a half has been kind of insane,

[bentleychic]

You need to just sit back right now and don't get involved. Let him contact you. Let his wife and son do what they need to do. This isn't about you right now (I know that sounds weird). I'm sure MM will contact you when he can/is able/wants to.

 

Did he give any indication what he plans to do if she kicks him out?

[BlissfullyWhich]

He was in the process of buying an investment property, so he's indicated he'd use it as his home now. He's been looking for places to live in the meantime. I feel somewhat guilty for continuing to talk to him. He keeps telling me that he needs some time to sort things out. I completely agree with him and suggested NC until he's a bit certain about his future, but he always breaks NC. It's been barely a week.

[bentleychic]

I would just follow his lead, personally. I know that's not the popular advice here, though.

[BlissfullyWhich]

Thanks Chic. Funny thing is that we had a long talk yesterday. It was the first time he'd cracked a joke, so I guess he's feeling better. That's when he told me about the "intervention." While all of this is very serious and life-changing he seemed to be in a better mood.

 

I'm not worried about never seeing him again. Initially, at D-day, he wanted to save his marriage. I was disappointed, not because I wanted to be with him, but because he's always said he was miserable in his marriage. I wished him well and told him he should definitely try to salvage it. He said that was no point because BW was through. As I said, I tried to do NC, but he kept reaching out by phone or email.

 

Now he's talking a different language, even saying that he may actually enjoy his life and the freedom to do something as simple as get a dog (she wouldn't allow it). So my perspective is that what ever is meant to be will be. We don't talk about "our" future so much as "his" future. Neither one of us want to go there. I just try to be supportive at this point.

[bentleychic]

I wish you both a happy and healthy future, whether that's together or separately. And healing to his BS and son as well.

[canuckprincess]

I would just follow his lead, personally. I know that's not the popular advice here, though.

 

I'm going to agree with you, take his lead. Be there for when he needs you, I know my mm couldn't handle NC either.

[canuckprincess]

May I ask how long have you been with your mm?

[BlissfullyWhich]

Thank you both. I appreciate your advice. He told me he'd call me tomorrow to tell me about it. I almost don't want to hear, but I do think he'll want to process it with me. I always tell him I'm not the right one to do that with because I'm biased. He insists. I do hope everyone involved heals and that everyone will be forgiving, forgiven and understanding (among the three of them).

[canuckprincess]

Thank you both. I appreciate your advice. He told me he'd call me tomorrow to tell me about it. I almost don't want to hear, but I do think he'll want to process it with me. I always tell him I'm not the right one to do that with because I'm biased. He insists. I do hope everyone involved heals and that everyone will be forgiving, forgiven and understanding (among the three of them).

 

How long have you been involved and how did dday happen?

[bentleychic]

I probably would be hesitant to give advice if pressed, but if you've been his friend and confidant up until now, of course he will want to talk and process with/to you.

[2sure]

It seems strange that he knew in advance that if his son were to find out about an affair he would never speak to him again. Very specific.

 

This has happened before, you know that.

[So happy together]

I would just follow his lead, personally. I know that's not the popular advice here, though.

 

I agree with this. I know it goes against the grain, but I'm just not a big fan of NC, unless you are ending the relationship.

[BlissfullyWhich]

How long have you been involved and how did dday happen?

 

Weird. I got a cellphone call at about 9:30pm Wednesday from a number I didn't recognize. I recognized the area code, which is one used for the surrounding suburbs in my city. It was a woman who took some time to tell me she was sorry, but she must have had the wrong number. MM was home and we were actually texting at this time. At about 10:15 he told me goodnight and that he'd see me in the morning (he drove me to and from work everyday). Then at about 10:30 he called me asking for someone, a man. He was demanding to speak with this man. At first I thought he was joking around and kept asking "do you know who this is?" as though he may have butt dialed me LOL. But then I heard a woman's voice in the background muttering something, then he hung up. He called me back about 10 minutes later asking to speak to the same man. I just said this man was not available, and I'd have him call back

 

I knew it was over. I never expected to hear from him again. The next morning, I walked to work. He called me from work and told me she's gone to the cell phone company to get a new phone. I guess the salesperson must have told he to upgrade because of all the text messages that were on the bill. She did a little digging and found hundreds of texts and phone calls to me, just for the month of June. Even 25 texts in a single day to me.

 

We've been in the A for 16 months.

[bentleychic]

It seems strange that he knew in advance that if his son were to find out about an affair he would never speak to him again. Very specific.

 

This has happened before, you know that.

 

That's a big assumption. Perhaps he knew what his son's reaction would be b/c he knows his son's moral and ethical value system does not allow or agree with that?

[bentleychic]

Even 25 texts in a single day to me.

 

 

Is that considered a lot?

[BlissfullyWhich]

It seems strange that he knew in advance that if his son were to find out about an affair he would never speak to him again. Very specific.

 

This has happened before, you know that.

 

He told me that the parents of a friend of his son's got a divorce because the father cheated. He clearly stated to MM that if he ever cheated on him mom, he'd never speak to him again. According to him, BW and son are extremely close.

[BlissfullyWhich]

Is that considered a lot?

 

I guess 25 is a lot. May I ask how many YOU consider a lot Chic? LOL

[awkward]

He told me that the parents of a friend of his son's got a divorce because the father cheated. He clearly stated to MM that if he ever cheated on him mom, he'd never speak to him again. According to him, BW and son are extremely close.

 

What did he say when you asked him why he is cheating then?

[BlissfullyWhich]

May I ask how long have you been with your mm?

 

We've been in the A for 16 months.

[bentleychic]

I guess 25 is a lot. May I ask how many YOU consider a lot Chic? LOL

 

Not 25. I had to count b/c I was curious. We had 53 (so far) today and it was a fairly low contact day for us due to us both being busy with work.

[HopingAgain]

That's a big assumption. Perhaps he knew what his son's reaction would be b/c he knows his son's moral and ethical value system does not allow or agree with that?

 

I agree, its probably happened before. Plus MM is joking around about his "stuff", and being certain his marriage would be over if she found out. What he probably left out is THIS time its over, because shes probably put up with his cheating before.

[BlissfullyWhich]

What did he say when you asked him why he is cheating then?

 

Good question. Why was he cheating? I don't know. He tells me he's in a loveless, sexless marriage, blah, blah, blah. Of course he makes her out to be some horrible monster. I don't buy that at all. They've been together for about 30 years. One day, he broke down crying to me about some things I promised I would not repeat (and have not, and won't even as an anonymous poster here). It was around his first affair, right after they got married and there have been others since.

 

I do have my own ideas about why he's having this A. But who knows why he'd jeopardize all that. I guess he never thought he'd get caught.

[Pierre]

Sounds like MM is an affair veteran. That is why BS and son were ready for him. And MM knew this was his last chance. It also seems MM is not that committed to his OW. A normal guy would be making plans with the OW.

[BlissfullyWhich]

Sounds like MM is an affair veteran. That is why BS and son were ready for him. And MM knew this was his last chance. It also seems MM is not that committed to his OW. A normal guy would be making plans with the OW.

 

I have no interest in making any plans with him. Whatever happens happens. I've always been clear with him that I was single and available to date and I still feel the same way.

 

He is an affair veteran. He was caught once before, and I suspect he's left enough clues about others, mine being the last, that both son and BW figured it out. Again, he'll never admit to what's happening.

 

It's an interesting notion Pierre, that you think a MM should be committed to his OW and vice-versa. I never considered that to be part of the "affair rules" LOL