BW + adult son having "intervention" w/ my MM right now

[BlissfullyWhich]

I don't understand why it's any of your adult sons business.

 

I know. I don't get it either. But then again, it's their family, so I don't think about those dynamics. I'll just chalk it up to typical family disfunction- which in and of itself is far too complex for outsiders to understand.

 

But MM has a theory behind that. In his eyes BW and son are freakishly close. And she uses their son to lord over him.

[BlissfullyWhich]

Did you hear anything more about what happened with the 'intervention'?

 

No. He told me he'd call me today, but I'm not counting on it (rather hoping he doesn't). But I'll update if I hear anything.

[Pierre]

He's told me of 2 past As. One was right after the marriage (almost 25 years ago) and one three years ago. Both were long-term incidents, between 3-6 year As.

 

I'm not certain what constitutes serial cheating.

 

Oh, yes you know. :(

[Pierre]

He told me he'd call me today, but I'm not counting on it (rather hoping he doesn't).

 

You are starting to rationalize again to save your heart.

[BlissfullyWhich]

Oh, yes you know. :(

 

Well, I do now.

[BlissfullyWhich]

You are starting to rationalize again to save your heart.

 

I think he's addicted to me (the A really). And that's unfortunate. I would be temporarily heart broken if we never spoke again. I am ridiculously resilient when it comes to relationships. And I would move on.

[Pierre]

Well, I do now.

 

Please guard your heart as you are doing (keep rationalizing,). Sometimes these men have a gazillion affairs, but in the end always come back crawling to the wife who eventually learns to accept (as you have) that OM is just a cheater.

 

Some wives accept this and move on. Quite often these men are very charming and know how to woo the wife back into the marriage. I suspect he will remain with her. Don't make any moves. Let him sweat this one out.

[Pierre]

I think he's addicted to me (the A really). And that's unfortunate. I would be temporarily heart broken if we never spoke again. I am ridiculously resilient when it comes to relationships. And I would move on.

 

OM loves you. But, this is affair love that works like magic in the affair compartment. It works well because this love is devoid of commitment. However, the love symptoms are identical to love with commitment.

[BlissfullyWhich]

OM loves you. But, this is affair love that works like magic in the affair compartment. It works well because this love is devoid of commitment. However, the love symptoms are identical to love with commitment.

 

Yes, I agree with you Pierre. It's becoming clear. I know he's not thinking "I'll be with her after the divorce." As someone stated previously, I'm the soft landing after the separation. By the time the divorce goes through (if it actually gets to that point), I'll be long gone.

 

I'm also afraid of commitments. That's one thing I found out about myself during this A. And it's also something I have to work on going forward.

[jlola]

Yes, I agree with you Pierre. It's becoming clear. I know he's not thinking "I'll be with her after the divorce." As someone stated previously, I'm the soft landing after the separation. By the time the divorce goes through (if it actually gets to that point), I'll be long gone.

 

I'm also afraid of commitments. That's one thing I found out about myself during this A. And it's also something I have to work on going forward.

 

Did your relationship have a push-pull dynamic?It's the dance of the emotionally unavailable.

 

Why do smart women/men bother with these types of people or anyone presently in a relationship? Life is too short and the world is too full of pain ,poverty and sickness.

 

Yet fortunate people bring on their own chaos. It's as though we cannot enjoy having it good. We have to bring in some chaos to feel something. So sad, a huge part of the world lives in pain and they can only dream of having our lives where food,shelter,clothing,education,freedom of choice and pursuit of happiness is the norm. They would think it is heaven.

 

But they do not understand our society has fed us the myth using our emotions will guide us well. It does not "If it feels good do it" "Do what makes you happy" and all those saying teaches to watch out for self at cost of greater good. So as lucky as we are as a society, we then create our own pain.Whether it is with greed,love,drugs,whatever.

[Mnogomnogo]

I know how you feel, it's like you're emotionally numb, in shock. I remember feeling my ears ringing so loud for a few nights, like there was someone yelling allot about me. It's better to be numb than feel miserable.

[BlissfullyWhich]

Did your relationship have a push-pull dynamic?It's the dance of the emotionally unavailable.

 

I often wonder that our lives are so busy that we're not as emotionally available, not just the spouses, but kids, friends and other loved ones.

 

When I first moved to this city, I met a guy who wanted to spend every moment with him and his twin teen daughters. It would have been another woman's dream, but not mine. I wanted to meet people, learn about the city, not to mention my job was so demanding. I asked if he'd do those things with me, so we could spend that time together. He just wouldn't. I couldn't stay in that bubble he wanted to create. So when MM showed up, it was perfect. He was my social/ sexual outlet without the commitment.

 

I am sad that it's about to end, but it was a great 16 months. I've got to move on.

[canuckprincess]

I often wonder that our lives are so busy that we're not as emotionally available, not just the spouses, but kids, friends and other loved ones.

 

When I first moved to this city, I met a guy who wanted to spend every moment with him and his twin teen daughters. It would have been another woman's dream, but not mine. I wanted to meet people, learn about the city, not to mention my job was so demanding. I asked if he'd do those things with me, so we could spend that time together. He just wouldn't. I couldn't stay in that bubble he wanted to create. So when MM showed up, it was perfect. He was my social/ sexual outlet without the commitment.

 

I am sad that it's about to end, but it was a great 16 months. I've got to move on.

 

I wish I could be like you and move on. Best of luck to you.

[BlissfullyWhich]

I wish I could be like you and move on. Best of luck to you.

 

why can't you? i unfortunately don't know it. why do you want to move on?

[2sunny]

I think he's addicted to me (the A really). And that's unfortunate. I would be temporarily heart broken if we never spoke again. I am ridiculously resilient when it comes to relationships. And I would move on.

 

I wish you'd decide the time to move forward is NOW!

 

He's obviously doing damage control and spending time and energy trying to convince his wife not to leave him.

 

Meanwhile - you wait, and wait - for a pity phone call - that keeps you hanging onto NOTHING. The illusion - that he cares! His actions right now show full well he cares about his wife! Soooo, he lies! No great discovery there.

 

A liar and a cheat - why bother with him at all?

 

I hope when he calls you don't respond or answer!

 

His actions have already told you he intends to fix his M - that's IF his W will allow it...

[Trimmer]

I don't understand why it's any of your adult sons business.

 

It's not the OP's son; it's the son of MM and his BW. Given that it's going to break up his family, I'm willing to consider that he's got standing to get involved in support of his mother.

[waytogo]

It's not the OP's son; it's the son of MM and his BW. Given that it's going to break up his family, I'm willing to consider that he's got standing to get involved in support of his mother.

 

Must agree. This IS his family's business!

[BlissfullyWhich]

I wish you'd decide the time to move forward is NOW!

 

He's obviously doing damage control and spending time and energy trying to convince his wife not to leave him.

 

Meanwhile - you wait, and wait - for a pity phone call - that keeps you hanging onto NOTHING. The illusion - that he cares! His actions right now show full well he cares about his wife! Soooo, he lies! No great discovery there.

 

A liar and a cheat - why bother with him at all?

 

I hope when he calls you don't respond or answer!

 

His actions have already told you he intends to fix his M - that's IF his W will allow it...

 

I'm not under any illusion that we're going to be together now. I'm not waiting for a "pity phone call" as you call it. I've been a relationship with this person for more than a year, and am just very curious/ concerned about what's happening to him and his family. I'm not quite sure why that's such a terrible thing.

 

I'm not hurt or upset. I feel sorrow that it ended, and ended in this way. And I'm sorry about the pain his family is going through right now.

 

I'm going to be fine. I'm strong and resilient. And I care.

[2sunny]

You care - I get that... So be respectful to him, his family and don't expect that call.

 

This IS his family time - in CRISIS - part of what you caused or participated in.

 

He may very well be instructed to never call - IF he honors what they REQUIRE.

 

And he may need to focus on his wife and family so that may not include being tempted by you.

 

If you care like you say - then you will respect him and what is happening in this crisis time.

[BlissfullyWhich]

You care - I get that... So be respectful to him, his family and don't expect that call.

 

This IS his family time - in CRISIS - part of what you caused or participated in.

 

He may very well be instructed to never call - IF he honors what they REQUIRE.

 

And he may need to focus on his wife and family so that may not include being tempted by you.

 

If you care like you say - then you will respect him and what is happening in this crisis time.

 

I never said I was expecting a call. I mentioned he told me he'd call me and that I'm curious about how the call went. As a matter of fact, I asked him not to call me about it, but he insisted. He hasn't called and I'm perfectly fine with that.

 

I'm not injecting myself into "his" situation (of which I am a part, but that's my stuff and I'll deal with it). I'm simply expressing the course of events. I've tried NC, but he's insisting on calling me. I don't initiate phone calls out of respect for his situation, and because I need to divest myself from it for my sake as well as his. But that won't stop me from speaking with him when he does reach out.

 

And I'm not "tempting" him in any way from my vantage point. If you believe that my speaking with him is tempting, then we have two very different perspectives about what that means.

 

I feel like I'm defending the indefensible here, and that's not why I'm at this forum. I'm sharing my thoughts and feelings and glad for the advice. I'm hope that I'm being clear enough here. I appreciate your opinions truly.

[BlissfullyWhich]

You care - I get that... So be respectful to him, his family and don't expect that call.

 

This IS his family time - in CRISIS - part of what you caused or participated in.

 

He may very well be instructed to never call - IF he honors what they REQUIRE.

 

And he may need to focus on his wife and family so that may not include being tempted by you.

 

If you care like you say - then you will respect him and what is happening in this crisis time.

 

And another thing. I know he's not at this forum to "defend" himself and I'm conveying conversations/ actions from my vantage point, but please don't forget that he is a very active participant in all of this. Yes I participated, and was happy to do so. We've both got serious emotional and psychological baggage to deal with here. I'm a big girl and he's a big boy. We both knew the stakes going into this, and I on more than one occasion had to remind him of that.

 

Your implication is that I don't care about him or respect what he's and family are going through. I'm wondering where they came up in any of my posts here. I care about him. I care about me more, but I do care about him. I'm not some temptress who seduced him into this A. And I'm not the OW who's going to skip out just because I have to protect myself when clearly he's anguished. Over time I' sure this will end, but we both agree that we'd be civil about this and if it ends, it will end amicably. So this temptation talk is quite bizarre. But he is a human being, and I'm one too. We all have flaws, some more serious (subjectively speaking) than others. I know about some of his and all of mine. And each situation is unique.

[2sunny]

I never said you don't care - in fact I said I KNOW you care - and IF you CARE - then respect him!

 

Respect is part of caring - hopefully you can read this the second time - care ENOUGH to LEAVE HIS FAMILY ALONE. THAT is called caring.

[BlissfullyWhich]

I never said you don't care - in fact I said I KNOW you care - and IF you CARE - then respect him!

 

Respect is part of caring - hopefully you can read this the second time - care ENOUGH to LEAVE HIS FAMILY ALONE. THAT is called caring.

 

What exactly do you mean that I should leave him and his family alone? I suggested that we do NC after Dday. He refuses, meaning he still calls and tries to see me (I've only seen him once). I don't initiate phone calls. What is it that I'm currently doing that you perceive as not respecting him and his family? Please tell me what it is that I'm doing wrong.

[2sunny]

Here's an example:

 

Two people get together and drink too much - causing harm to themselves and to others.

 

The family sits down and asks one of them to stop - to get help - to exclude the other drinking buddy from their life.

 

IF the drinker expects to have any healing within the family - the drinking buddy has to be removed from daily living (along with the drinks).

 

Can you relate to that analogy?

 

It's referring to you like his drinking buddy... Needs to end or it causes more harm and no way to heal.

[BlissfullyWhich]

Here's an example:

 

Two people get together and drink too much - causing harm to themselves and to others.

 

The family sits down and asks one of them to stop - to get help - to exclude the other drinking buddy from their life.

 

IF the drinker expects to have any healing within the family - the drinking buddy has to be removed from daily living (along with the drinks).

 

Can you relate to that analogy?

 

It's referring to you like his drinking buddy... Needs to end or it causes more harm and no way to heal.

 

So you're suggesting that I sit him down and tell him we should no longer have any contact?