BW + adult son having "intervention" w/ my MM right now

[So happy together]

Hey Bliss,

 

These other ladies are trying to help. They may not know what it means to be you, so it's coming off as harsh.

 

I understand your feelings. Of course you feel that you'd like to know what is happening. You have feelings for MM. Hang in there. If you hear from him be clear in what you need and make sure he is clear in what is happening at home so that you know what you're dealing with.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Hang in there.

[2sunny]

So you're suggesting that I sit him down and tell him we should no longer have any contact?

 

No.

 

I suggested you never have contact again. That's what a "friend" who is "respectful" would do.

 

Your suggestion is like offering the drinker "one more drink".

 

Do you see the difference?

[BlissfullyWhich]

Hey Bliss,

 

These other ladies are trying to help. They may not know what it means to be you, so it's coming off as harsh.

 

I understand your feelings. Of course you feel that you'd like to know what is happening. You have feelings for MM. Hang in there. If you hear from him be clear in what you need and make sure he is clear in what is happening at home so that you know what you're dealing with.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Hang in there.

 

Thanks Happy. I'm not a spring chicken lol. I'm in my early 40s and have a clearly evolved perspective on my life in general. At 25, my reaction to this situation would have been completely different. I would have probably just moved on without a thought about anything as if nothing happened.

 

MM is confused, and understandably so. One day he wants to stay, and the next he wants to go. I honestly think he wants to stay. If that's what he wants, I can only support him on that, although I know he should leave for quite obvious rational reasons. But we are not always rational and that's the part that makes being a human being so damn annoying lol. So for him/ me I'm stuck between being the supportive friend who suggests that we don't speak because as I believe what 2sunny is suggesting is that by talking to me, he's still tempted. But on the other hand, he's in pain, and sees me as the only person he can talk to about this.

 

This was not a relationship where I saw him once a week. I saw him 6 days a week every morning and almost every evening and we probably spent more time together than he did with his wife. It's not easy just cutting that kind of interaction off. It's a really hard place to be, more for him than myself. I'm more resilient and quite honestly not as emotionally invested in this as he was. He was living in a dream world that came crashing down on him. I was very much in the reality that this would end.

[BlissfullyWhich]

I agree with 2Sunny but I also think about you- you say you are OK with it, but yet here you are posting about it- we are all damaged in some way or we would not be posting here-I hope you focus more on you and less on his drama each day-

 

You're right, I am posting here. I just wanted a place to vent and tell my story and get some perspective. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe my situation isn't as bad as it seems. Who knows....

 

I am okay. I'm not back to normal. I am hurt and someone blindsided which is something I did not expect.

 

I'll take a break from all this- reading the woes of others because it's obvious I probably would be better off.

[2sunny]

So you keep insisting he go out drinking with you again because he likes it...

 

But doing that costs him his home life that his family is presenting to him.

 

Yes, he has spent time with you. He IS married though, and he has chosen to be at home - still now - and most likely trying to repair the damage he caused - and calling you or seeing you is like going out for "that drink".

 

So - he's being asked not to communicate with you. If you love him and respect him like you say you do - then don't communicate with him any further. It leaves room for his wife to reconnect with him if you stay out of it.

 

If you are involved - it squeezes her out. She knows that...you know that - but that's most likely why you want to talk to him.

[2sunny]

40 is young! Get out there and find available men to play with!

 

I'm older than you and have several much younger men that make effort for my attention.

 

It's fun! Go get 'em!

[BlissfullyWhich]

If you are involved - it squeezes her out. She knows that...you know that - but that's most likely why you want to talk to him.

 

I try to be careful about not jumping to conclusions. The first part of your statement was spot on sister. But your statement above is completely incorrect. My motives are not to squeeze her out. I can see how that my be a motive for others, but definitely not mine.

 

As I stated previously, which you just don't want to believe (and this is the very last time I'm going to write this), I initiated NC. He broke it. I don't initiate phone calls. I'm not trying to be around.

 

But I will take your advice and tell him that we should have NC. I think he's in a better place now to accept that, as am I.

[2sunny]

I suspect that my husband is engaged in a long term affair with a woman he works with. I have had suspicions in the past but somehow I convinced myself that I was wrong. He is a good husband and he is good to me and our boys. We spend a lot of time together and we even have a respectable love life considering that we have two full time jobs and 3 kids (2 grown boys in college still living at home and one still in grade school).

 

My husband does disappear for hours at a time which is explained by the type of work that he does. For various reasons I now believe that he is very careful and very clever at keeping this under wraps and that it has been going on a long time. My recent suspicion began when he called me and accidentally left his phone on. I answered but he did not hear me - I could tell the line was still live and then I heard a woman's voice and I almost passed out when I thought I heard him say "we should get a hotel next week". The two of them were in the car and it sounded like they were grocery shopping together of all things.

I decided that I needed proof. I did confront him a few years ago about this same woman - and he lied so I felt he would lie again if I did not have evidence.

 

I have been checking his cell phone calls - he talks to this woman and they text many times per day. He NEVER mentions her name in my presence - and based on what I have found out about her they would have a lot in common so the fact that he never mentions her is odd. I have other clues but nothing concrete. I have peeked at his cell on occasion since and he meticulously deletes all messages from her or to her. He also watches his phone like a hawk.

 

I am dying to know the truth - I feel so betrayed but at the same time I have doubts and I want hard evidence before confronting him so there is no room for doubt. I feel that if I confront him with no real,proof he will bury it even deeper and I will never know the truth - I want him to face up to this.

 

Am I wrong?

 

Thank you - I think I need to trust my gut feeling. I just cannot reconcile this with other aspects of his behavior toward me. It has been so hard to act like nothing is wrong when this would be such a monumental betrayal on his part. And I guess a part of me just wants to hold on to the fairy tale of what we were when we married because we were in love and we were meant for each other. I know that maybe we could get past an affair if that is what this is, there are things that you never get back.

 

Thank you for the advice. I do plan on trying the recorder in the car because based on call history that I have access to on line a lot of calls take place to and from work. And strangely, as devastating as this will be if confirmed to be what my gut is telling me, I just cannot understand how the other woman would put up with this because my husband does spend a lot of time with us (his family). Is it wired that I wonder this? Plus it seems as if he genuinely wants to be with me- and yet I am starting to think that having her on the side, if true, is a way for him to affirm his virility and manhood somehow because he is terrified of growing old. I am NOT excusing his behavior if he is cheating, but trying to make some sense of this. In some ways he behaves like a classic cheater...and in other ways not...

 

Here is a new poster's thread - and she suspects her H is cheating. Her peace of mind is being stolen from her by someone who claims to love her.

 

She's hurt - she's trying to figure out why things don't make sense.

 

This could be your OM's wife.

 

 

You see, your participating affects others.

 

I hope you will consider not participating with him further.

 

I know you don't want to hear that.

 

I hope you will take care of YOURSELF by being kind to yourself and allow healing for you.

[BlissfullyWhich]

2sunny, do you ever read and then interpret what others write, or do you just want to drive your own point and agenda without regard to original poster? Or do I come across as some OW who just doesn't give a damn? I'm not even sure why I'm bothering asking the question. I guess it's my passive-aggressive part coming out.

[2sunny]

I'm reading - and my first inclination is to give you a hug. You deserve better - you deserve the best.

 

Unfortunately that's just never going to be any cheater.

 

That's why I'm sad for you that you think having another conversation with him will make things better for you. It won't change that he's married.

 

My hope is that you be good to yourself.

[So happy together]

I'm reading - and my first inclination is to give you a hug. You deserve better - you deserve the best.

 

Unfortunately that's just never going to be any cheater.

That's why I'm sad for you that you think having another conversation with him will make things better for you. It won't change that he's married.

 

My hope is that you be good to yourself.

 

This is the kind of thing that just makes me irritated. Because there is forgiveness, there is redemption. There is growth, there is change. There is finding someone that you love and not staying with someone who makes you unhappy.

 

 

If your statement is true, then NO BS will EVER be happy with their WS because, well... he's a cheater!

 

If someone cheated in the past, then they will never be able to be happy because, they are cheaters!

 

Your insinuation is that I and others will never be happy with our chosen partner because they made the decision to cheat.

 

It's a ridiculous blanket statement and needs to stop.

[2sunny]

Really... I find it hard to believe that you respond so firmly while I was trying to give support to Bliss about ending the A.

 

This wasn't about you - and no need to twist it by taking it personally.

 

I do hope Bliss is good to herself.

[So happy together]

Really... I find it hard to believe that you respond so firmly while I was trying to give support to Bliss about ending the A.

 

This wasn't about you - and no need to twist it by taking it personally.

 

I do hope Bliss is good to herself.

 

Yes, really. I hope she is good to herself as well. And I didn't make it about me. I was making a point. I love how YOU just made it all about me... I was pointing out how what you said was flawed and a blanket statement. She very well may NOT be happy with her MM in the end, but she may. So, that kind of statement doesn't help at all. And you know it.

[So happy together]

Odd. Why are you calling this an intervention? The wife just asked him to be honest with their son and tell him the truth. How is this an intervention?

 

This is just my opinion, but as far as I am concerned, if the son is an adult with children of his own, it's none of his business. He has a family of his own, he doesn't need to be pushed away from either parent, or take sides. They need to work this out amongst themselves.

[So happy together]

It's called a family. Caring families share with one another and try to support each other. Why should the adult son not know why they are separating? At least the wife is allowing his dad to be the one to tell the son and not bad mouth him. Sounds like a mature, calm and reasonable way to go about it. People ask questions when a 30 year marriage breaks up. The son should know the truth. So funny people sneak and lie for years and then when they get caught they expect their wife the person they've been lying to to continue their lie. I think not.

 

As long as everyone knows tht opens the door for the son to ask why... then the MM is going to air their dirty laundry. Just as long as everyone is prepared.

[So happy together]

Why are you such a bully?

 

I keep wanting to post my story and get some advice but I am scared that you will run off everyone who wants to help me. I just want truth in my future threads.

 

I guess if telling the truth is bullying...

[whichwayisup]

Had to double check' date=' but yup when i looked this is an OW support forum. You don't get to dictate to her to leave her MM alone she gets to decide that. And if she does not, that does not mean she doesn't care!!![/quote']

 

She is giving her 2 cents worth and opinion just like everybody else on here. Nobody has to agree with others advice, so it's best to try to focus on the OP and not other people's replies... No one likes to have their advice picked apart and analyzed, though many of us (I am guilty of it at times too) do that daily.

[2sunny]

I was referring to "respect" as a verb meaning "honor" and the fact that his family was "intervening".

 

The fact that an "intervention" was being planned suggested that change was what they might be looking for. IF that's the case - and HE is going along with changes - to respect their request - he may not be able to call.

 

I thought that seemed obvious... But maybe not.

 

IF that's the case - then I was pointing out for OP to do her best IFhes unable to communicate withher because he's attempting to respect their request.

[jlola]

Yes' date=' my mms daughter said he would not see them and the grandkid again.. blackmail[/quote']

 

Did you hear this with your own ears?Why not ask the daughter yourself since she already knows about the affair.Why is everything MM says taken as Godpel?

 

And if she did actually say this,it is because for almost 8 years MM her father has been a liar ,cheater and betrayer. I am sure if MM had divorced instead of bringing such an ugly legacy and disrespect to the family there would not be so much resentment.

He chose to invite chaos into their family.

[Trimmer]

Did you hear this with your own ears?Why not ask the daughter yourself since she already knows about the affair.Why is everything MM says taken as Godpel?

You are suggesting that an affair partner make direct contact with her MM's daughter (who already obviously does not approve) in order to confirm "what she heard" from the MM about an internal family dispute regarding the affair?

 

What could possibly go wrong?

[William]

After reading a significant amount of cross-talk which isn't addressing the thread starter, I'll close this and take a look at the specifics later. Thanks.