krazikat Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Nice, relaxing family night. Everything is good. Then our child pulls out a picture albums, we start looking at pictures and...BAM I start triggering. Thinking in my head, wow, such wonderful family portraits, candid shots, such good times....but then remember HE WAS CHEATING AT THE TIME THOSE PICTURES WERE TAKEN. Trigger, trigger, trigger. I want off the dang trigger bus. Now. Will everything lead to this? We are fine. Doing good. The affair is over, and our love is strong. My H is still sober and holds my hand while we sleep. Which I think is so sweet, he cant let go of me even when sleeping. Okay, thinking of that just helped. H doesnt know I am triggering right now...and tbh I dont want to keep talking about the A...I dont want to keep giving it a place in our r, it has been months and h is doing everything. This is how my brain works with everything. I dwell, pick apart, analyze, rinse, repeat. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Nice, relaxing family night. Everything is good. Then our child pulls out a picture albums, we start looking at pictures and...BAM I start triggering. Thinking in my head, wow, such wonderful family portraits, candid shots, such good times....but then remember HE WAS CHEATING AT THE TIME THOSE PICTURES WERE TAKEN. Trigger, trigger, trigger. I want off the dang trigger bus. Now. Will everything lead to this? We are fine. Doing good. The affair is over, and our love is strong. My H is still sober and holds my hand while we sleep. Which I think is so sweet, he cant let go of me even when sleeping. Okay, thinking of that just helped. H doesnt know I am triggering right now...and tbh I dont want to keep talking about the A...I dont want to keep giving it a place in our r, it has been months and h is doing everything. This is how my brain works with everything. I dwell, pick apart, analyze, rinse, repeat. In your shoes, I'd be losing my mind, as well. I also tend to think on things, over and over again, until I feel sick. It's unfortunate that you're still experiencing triggers, but it takes time. I'm glad you're doing everything you can to focus on the good, and it's great that your H is doing everything he can to make up for what he's done. Be patient with yourself during this time. If you don't want to talk about the A, that is understandable. You don't want to give it anymore power. But if it becomes too much to bear, be sure to tell your H how you're feeling. Explain that you appreciate all his effort, and that the last thing you want to do is bring the A up...but if you need to, I'm sure he'll be right there, holding your hand. I'm sure he won't be upset with you, considering everything you've endured. Hang in there, Krazikat. I wish you the best in all of this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Ugh, I'm sorry. I know just what you mean. Same thing happened to me last night. My husband started talking about some stuff that was going on at work during the time of his affair and DDay and my mind just went right back to that place. I got really quiet, and I think he caught on and changed the subject. It's so sad that some otherwise good memories are tarnished in a lot of ways because of the affair :-/ How far are you out from Dday? I hear the triggers get better with time and as you start to make good new memories and regain trust, they lessen some. Lets hope so! *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Author krazikat Posted August 3, 2013 Author Share Posted August 3, 2013 Ugh, I'm sorry. I know just what you mean. Same thing happened to me last night. My husband started talking about some stuff that was going on at work during the time of his affair and DDay and my mind just went right back to that place. I got really quiet, and I think he caught on and changed the subject. It's so sad that some otherwise good memories are tarnished in a lot of ways because of the affair :-/ How far are you out from Dday? I hear the triggers get better with time and as you start to make good new memories and regain trust, they lessen some. Lets hope so! *hugs* Thank you. It just can suck the life out of you. I am just 7 months out...so in that good ol' grand scheme not too long. We talked and talked and cried and I flipped out and yelled...during the first month. Then I decided to stay with my H...our story is somewhat different from others in that I am the one who first stepped out with another man before we were married, and it changed my husband. He didnt deal with it well, he became alcoholic and that led to other issues. I didnt "cheat" on my man exactly, we werent "officially" together, but I later found out that he had been planning to propose to me and seeing the pain I caused him and that it led to his fight with alcohol has been a cross I have bared for over a decade. My actions directly led to this and while it was his choice to have an affair I keep beating myself up with what could have been had I not hooked up with om, and I think that is also part of my problem. Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Thank you. It just can suck the life out of you. I am just 7 months out...so in that good ol' grand scheme not too long. We talked and talked and cried and I flipped out and yelled...during the first month. Then I decided to stay with my H...our story is somewhat different from others in that I am the one who first stepped out with another man before we were married, and it changed my husband. He didnt deal with it well, he became alcoholic and that led to other issues. I didnt "cheat" on my man exactly, we werent "officially" together, but I later found out that he had been planning to propose to me and seeing the pain I caused him and that it led to his fight with alcohol has been a cross I have bared for over a decade. My actions directly led to this and while it was his choice to have an affair I keep beating myself up with what could have been had I not hooked up with om, and I think that is also part of my problem. Wow, yeah we are right about at the same point, it will be 7 months for us at the end of this month. Have you 2 been to counseling yet? It must be hard struggling with your own feelings of guilt for so long and then this on top of it. I'm sure it's overwhelming. Please don't blame yourself for his alcoholism or for his choosing to have an affair. It's true he was likely very hurt by what happened, but he made his own choices too and he has to own them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author krazikat Posted August 3, 2013 Author Share Posted August 3, 2013 In your shoes, I'd be losing my mind, as well. I also tend to think on things, over and over again, until I feel sick. It's unfortunate that you're still experiencing triggers, but it takes time. I'm glad you're doing everything you can to focus on the good, and it's great that your H is doing everything he can to make up for what he's done. Be patient with yourself during this time. If you don't want to talk about the A, that is understandable. You don't want to give it anymore power. But if it becomes too much to bear, be sure to tell your H how you're feeling. Explain that you appreciate all his effort, and that the last thing you want to do is bring the A up...but if you need to, I'm sure he'll be right there, holding your hand. I'm sure he won't be upset with you, considering everything you've endured. Hang in there, Krazikat. I wish you the best in all of this. Thank you Rebel...I truly appreciate the kind words. The mind can play such nasty tricks sometimes. I hate when I trigger, I start to question even things I know are fact, and pick every thing apart. It sucks! Being able to post here when it happens helps...and even just focusing on the good things...just to ground myself. I just have never dealt with this level of emotional pain before...which surprises me too because I have been thru some shyte in my life, but this is the hardest thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author krazikat Posted August 3, 2013 Author Share Posted August 3, 2013 Wow, yeah we are right about at the same point, it will be 7 months for us at the end of this month. Have you 2 been to counseling yet? It must be hard struggling with your own feelings of guilt for so long and then this on top of it. I'm sure it's overwhelming. Please don't blame yourself for his alcoholism or for his choosing to have an affair. It's true he was likely very hurt by what happened, but he made his own choices too and he has to own them. We have not been to counciling yet...and that is more me, I had a bad experience before and so I hesitate to go thru that again...but I am starting to think it is worth a shot. I do know that it was his choice to drink, and his choice to cheat. But I still remember, like it was just yesterday, the impact my relationship with om had on him...he was drunk for like a week straight afterwards, his family had and still has absolutely no idea what happened. It was horrible. I know that if I had not done that, things would have been so differemt. When we did get back together, I thought he had finally forgiven me, but he tells me now that he still triggers over it, he has even tried to help me thru my triggers by telling me what he does. What he still does, all these years later. And that just hurts me to know that my actions from so long ago still cause him to trigger...he had never told me before, but the signs were there, clear as day now that we are dealing with this. Also part of his justification for the A while he was in it. He doesnt blame me. He has told me that I didnt deserve it, that he loves me so much and hates what he has done. He has totally changed, he is pretty much back to the man I fell in love with, the man he was prior to my r with om. I just want to find a way to block these dang triggers. How are you dealing with it now? Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Thank you Rebel...I truly appreciate the kind words. The mind can play such nasty tricks sometimes. I hate when I trigger, I start to question even things I know are fact, and pick every thing apart. It sucks! Being able to post here when it happens helps...and even just focusing on the good things...just to ground myself. I just have never dealt with this level of emotional pain before...which surprises me too because I have been thru some shyte in my life, but this is the hardest thing. I hear ya. There are times, I'm sure, when you'd give anything for an "off" switch, just so you could have some peace and quiet "upstairs", so to speak. Not unlike you, I do the same thing. It's a complete drain (though I'm definitely not in your shoes, so I imagine it's harder for you). As far as emotions go, I also noticed that, despite all the b.s. I've put up with in my life, matters of the heart are the ones that destroy me the most. It's both saddening, and a comfort, to realize I'm not alone in the revelation. I wonder why it is we can handle all the other trials in our lives with our heads held high-but when it comes to love, we fall apart so much more easily? Of course, on the plus side, we still pick ourselves up again, and learn to be happy again. I'm sure you will get passed this. I'm also sure your H will do everything in his power to help you reach that peace of mind and happiness, once again. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts