Wife breaking my heart

[DrJack]

Hi everyone. New here. Confused. Lost. Hence the screen name.

 

My wife and I have been together for 18 years. Married for 9. Anniversary was just in June.

 

We have two small children - twins. They take up nearly 100% of our time and energy.

 

Where to begin? I've followed my wife all over the country to be with her in our relationship. I left my family and friends and moved across the country when she wanted to return to her hometown. Moved to a different state when she wanted to go to medical school. Moved to a horrendous town in the middle of nowhere while she did her residency. We had the babies as she started residency, so I took care of them most of the time as she worked 60-80 hour weeks -- with no help from friends or family as we didn't know anyone who lived there. The entire time I worked in a career I was not happy with in order to keep the paychecks coming in. After her residency, we moved back to where we consider "home" -- her hometown where her family is, not mine. Still didn't get much help with the kids as her siblings and mom all have kids to deal with too.

 

Anyway, once we were back here I decided it was my turn to re-invent my career, and I went to grad school for a year. I thought I had her support, especially given that I just supported her through seven years of medical training to be a doctor.

 

Just a month or so after finishing my program, she starts complaining that there is no spark anymore, no romance in our relationship, that she doesn't relate to me about anything except the kids, that she is no longer emotionally attracted to me (says she is physically attracted to me). We're 40. She recently dyed her hair. Then one night when we actually have a babysitter, she says she wants a tattoo, which is completely out of character for her. This is all screaming "SHE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR!" at me and I freak out.

 

That night as she sleeps I check out her Facebook and see some guy commenting on all her photos about how beautiful she is. It stands out. I'm convinced it's the guy. Look in her e-mail (we always shared passwords, had nothing to hide) and find messages that include the phrase "I love you" between the two of them. Also, lots of (clean) pics of OM. Including little cutesy pics of their text messages. Also, videos. He sends her lots of videos of casual conversational stuff, all ending with I love you.

 

Turns out, it's a guy she dated when she was 15 whose mother ran away with him to get away from an addict father... while my wife and him were dating. So he disappeared in the midst of their relationship. Upon Googling him, I learn that he's gone to prison for mutiple con-artist type scams and fraud. So unlike my wife to associate with someone like him.

 

She swears they've never seen each other, it was just an EA. She doesn't know what she wants. Says there could never be anything long-term with the other guy because she can't trust him, and he can't be around the kids. Tells me she stopped communicating with him, but still has changed all of her e-mail passwords, facebook, iCloud, and has a pass code on her phone now. Won't take them off. Says I invaded her privacy, even though what she was doing was wrong. Says she has connection with OM, doesn't have that with me anymore. Wants to save marriage at least for kids' sake.

 

Gets angry at me when I say she needs to re-establish trust and take the codes and passwords off everything to show she's not hiding anything, but she's not interested. I swear she's still communicating with him.

 

I love her more than anything. Yes, we've grown apart, especially since the kids were born, but isn't that somewhat expected? Shouldn't we get a chance now to try to re-connect after all her school commitments and four years of dealing with twins??? I feel like I supported her through all this and just as we're coming up for air, and have a chance to get back to a "normal" life, she's bailing and falling in love with another guy! I don't know how she can do this!!!

 

I have not mentioned the painful sex yet. Since she had the kids, sex has been painful for her. I told her we had to stop at some point because I didn't want to hurt her. She was trying. She finally got to OBGYN this week and they said nothing was wrong. We're both kind of devastated. We thought maybe there was a problem, and if it could be fixed, maybe sex would bring us closer.

 

I'm devastated. Lost. Hurting. I'd take a bullet for her. I've done everything I could for her. I can't believe I'm losing her to some con-man. It's really unbelievable. It's not fair.

 

We are trying to schedule MC for next week. But I feel hopeless.

 

Thanks for the space to rant. Words of hope and encouragement are appreciated.

 

DrJack

[Chi townD]

Yeah, spidey senses are tingling here. You need to put a keylogger on your home computer. That should give you the information you need to see if she's still talking to this dude.

 

Another thing you can do is get some Voice Activated Recorders (VAR's) and hide them in a room where she talks on the phone the most. Go to the hardware store and get some heavy duty Velcro. Attach it to a VAR and secure it under the driver seat of her car. Most cheaters do their communication while driving.

 

Big problem for me is that if she's done talking to this idiot, then she shouldn't have a problem giving you her passwords. She's hiding something.

 

By the way, you're married and guess what! There is no privacy in a marriage.

[road]

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley

[bubbaganoosh]

If she says there is pain during sex, how do you know that if she's really having pain? Maybe she's faking that too.

 

If she's hiding her passwords, there's a reason for that. If she has nothing to hide, then she should give them to you. Me thinks that she's pulling the wool over your eyes. I agree with others posting here. Buy some VARs and a key logger because she's not being up front with you.

[2sure]

I think marriage can recover from infidelity.

But there is an effective process, and it includes two spouses that want to put it in place and do the work.

 

Complete transparency is a big part of the process. It isnt just to rebuild trust, which you do by verification. It's also because during the early days after discovery...she needs help with not being shady, not giving into temptation, or pleading from AP.

[Steadfast]

Or you can prolong it while driving yourself crazy looking for proof you don't need.

 

Agree. It's foolish to throw money at a question that's already been answered.

 

It's pretty simple. Demand from her no less than you're willing to give. Frankly, her position that you invaded her privacy should be enough to persuade you to separate with intentions to divorce. Do not compromise, meet halfway, or any other reasonable action reserved for a wife that deserves respect. Do not accept any blame for that you cannot control.

 

The best possible chance to save the relationship is to reject what she's doing, and mean what you say. Life with a cheater is a prison sentence.

[oldshirt]

Lots of different things going on here. First off you need to wake up and smell the coffee and realize you may only have days, weeks or maybe a month or two before one of these things happen, she will either -

 

- decide she doesn't love you any more and pack up and leave (not all that likely from what I've read in your story so far, but a definite possibility)

 

- she will screw this guy or another guy ( quite possible, despite what she says) ....oh and miraclulously this pain will go away with them:confused:

 

- she will keep you on a baby sitter and a bill payer but her heart won't be with you at all and she won't have any sexual interest in you at all and you will live as roommates until she finds another man and will then leave you. (98% probability at this point)

 

Here is the ray of sunshine, you may (repeat 'may') be able to turn this around.

 

What has taken place here is that over the past several years, your role has been that of babysitter, bill payer, maid, foot rubber and support for her and her ambitions.

 

Now this is kind of what society and Oprah and everyone have been telling you to do and that it makes you a good husband and that she should love for it.

 

But here is the catch - on a deep instinctual level, women are sexually attracted to the "man" of the house and to the leader and to the head of the household. They are not attracted to the maid, the butler or the nanny.

 

She will deny it and she may not even be consciously aware of it herself but she has lost respect, attraction and desire for you. Not in spite of all of the support and care you have given her over the years but BECAUSE of it. Yes, very $hitty I know:confused:

 

This prisoner/con man who is likely very assertive, very aggressive, very smooth talking and very courageous has triggered her deep, instinctive animal lust and she has been having sexual hormone rushes over him while her lust for you has been quelled by watching you change diapers and do the dishes for the last few years.

 

You have to turn that around and Velcro your balls back on and become "THE MAN" and take leadership of your home and family back again.

 

Step #1. Is contact him and ask him which prison has the best food and most comfortable beds because you may be having some prison time coming up if they ever find any big enough pieces of his body to do a DNA test.

 

Do this on the phone as there won't be any written records of that promise.

 

Then send him an email and saying that his communications are inappropriate for a married woman that no further contact is to ever occur between him and your wife again.

 

Step # 2 is to show her a copy of the email and present her with the records of their emails and txts and demand that all contact with him stops right now and that if she wants to remain married and have a husband in the home that she hand over all passwords and accounts and that there will be 100% transparency in all of her communication.

 

Store the copies of the emails and txts in a safe deposit box or locked safe that she does not have access to and if she ever has contact with him again or inappropriate contact with another man again that you will produce the copies for her parents and siblings and BFFs to show them why it is that you are divorcing her and who's fault it really is that you are splitting up.

 

Step #3. go to the best divorce attorney that money can buy and draw up divorce papers and make sure that you get 50% of her future earnings as a physician since you were the one that supported her and raised her children during med school and residency. This is a real thing. Doctors are getting nailed to the wall by the courts for divorcing spouses who supported them for ten years and then get dumped once they get out of residency. You have EARNED that share of her income!

 

Draw up the papers but don't file yet.

 

Step #4 Make an appointment with a competent marital counselor.

 

Step 5. When you confront her with the other man. In a very calm, controlled, low, deep voice, Lay out in specific detail what she has to do in order to remain in the home, married to you and to retain full custody of her children.

 

Some of those conditions can be counseling, supporting you in your career, getting out of the house on date nights, regular enthusiastic sex life, no other inappropriate contact with other men. recognizing and valuing your contributions to her career and your family etc etc

 

Show her the divorce papers and show her the terms and conditions you are asking for in the divorce.

 

Then tell her she has a choice. Option A is she severs all contact with OM for life. Goes into marital counseling in good faith with you and works with the counselor in meeting your terms on remaining married.

 

Or option B signing the divorce papers.

 

Your real goal with these steps at this point is to get her attention and get her to realize there is a major problem here and that you aren't going to be walked on and taken advantage of.

 

If she chooses to stay then you do have some real work to do. You are going to need to get your balls back and you are going to need to get her respect and her desire back.

 

YOU NEED TO BECOME A MAN THAT SHE WOULD WANT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH.

 

You need to hit the gym and lose some gut and gain some muscle.

get a new well fitting, stylish wardrobe

Start grooming and styling more maticulously

Get ambitious about your own career and start working hard towards improving your professional and financial status.

Take over the family financial planning and family budgeting even if she is the one bring in most of the $$

Start fixing things around the house and fixing/taking care of the cars etc

And importantly start hitting on her, flirting with her and ultimately banging her like the nasty, filthy, slutty whore that she is. Pull her hair, smack her ass and spew on her chest and face. You need to treat her and bang her like her affair partners would. If she is getting that at home she will be less likely to feel that hormone rush when potential APs hit on her.

 

So in other words, break out of this babysitter/maid/errand boy model that you guys have been living in and take back the role of the "MAN" and the head of the household.

 

Your situation is serious and is on downward spiral, but it is recoverable if you take definitive action TODAY.

 

DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF. DO IT!!!!