Is it still bad to slap a bf once in a while?

[BamaBelle07]

I'm new to this forum so I think this must belong to this section. Anyway I'm 16 years old, while my bf just turned 18 a couple days ago but see this is my first relationship.

 

Overall we get along well and it's only once in a blue moon that we get into stupid arguments and I end up slapping him. Thing is I kind of feel bad but then I don't know. He got me upset last time but then everything goes back to normal. Like mention, this isn't something that happens constantly but seldom.

 

I was wondering something. Can I still get in trouble for this if I'm a minor?

 

Can it really be bothering him? It seems like he doesn't take it personal and has gotten used it to, that's things are normal again once the argument is over. But this at times does make me think if he actually thinks about it or just takes it as a whatever, she'll calm down, no big deal thing.

[anne1707]

Yes it is bad. It is abuse. If a friend told you that her boyfriend slapped her now and then, would you really tell her that's no big deal or would you tell her to dump his sorry ar$e?

 

You must stop this. You need to find a way to manage your anger and frustration in a way that is not destructive and abusive. If you don't then your future relationships are going to suffer and you may well end up "in trouble"

[BamaBelle07]

Yes it is bad. It is abuse. If a friend told you that her boyfriend slapped her now and then, would you really tell her that's no big deal or would you tell her to dump his sorry ar$e?

Well a bf doing that is scary because he can then escalate to more and they hit much harder with the intention of causing harm (a hard slap from them would probably feel like a mild punch) so yes I would tell her to leave him. It would even be scary if they raise their voice and got in your face because they can do anything at that moment.

You must stop this. You need to find a way to manage your anger and frustration in a way that is not destructive and abusive. If you don't then your future relationships are going to suffer and you may well end up "in trouble"

I want to stop but it just seems to happen.

[pcplod]

I'm new to this forum so I think this must belong to this section. Anyway I'm 16 years old, while my bf just turned 18 a couple days ago but see this is my first relationship.

 

Overall we get along well and it's only once in a blue moon that we get into stupid arguments and I end up slapping him. Thing is I kind of feel bad but then I don't know. He got me upset last time but then everything goes back to normal. Like mention, this isn't something that happens constantly but seldom.

 

I was wondering something. Can I still get in trouble for this if I'm a minor?

 

Can it really be bothering him? It seems like he doesn't take it personal and has gotten used it to, that's things are normal again once the argument is over. But this at times does make me think if he actually thinks about it or just takes it as a whatever, she'll calm down, no big deal thing.

 

It's nothing more, or nothing less, than assault and in that a criminal offence, even if he puts up with it. Someday, it will attract a criminal conviction. That day will change your life forever, even if you don't even realise it at the time. Like being automatically disbarred for life from certain occupations.

 

Does that sound appealing?

[anne1707]

Women do physically hurt men in abusive relationships too. Plus the damage done is not just physical. It impacts on emotional and psychological well being. You are hurting your boyfriend every time you hit him.

 

Is there an adult who you can talk to and ask them to help you get help such as counselling?

[BamaBelle07]

It's nothing more, or nothing less, than assault and in that a criminal offence, even if he puts up with it. Someday, it will attract a criminal conviction. That day will change your life forever, even if you don't even realise it at the time. Like being automatically disbarred for life from certain occupations.

That would suck

Does that sound appealing?

It doesn't.

 

Is there a way I can solve the few arguments we have in a calmer way? The last time I slapped him was about 3 weeks ago. I didn't want to but it just came off; I got mad and it happened.

[Emilia]

It doesn't.

 

Is there a way I can solve the few arguments we have in a calmer way? The last time I slapped him was about 3 weeks ago. I didn't want to but it just came off; I got mad and it happened.

You need to understand what it is that makes you angry under the surface. Whether some of the things he says or does bring out anxiety in you. People handle anxiety and worry differently, some get quiet, others lash out. You have to understand your triggers.

 

Once you do, you will find it easier to be constructive rather than hit.

[BamaBelle07]

Women do physically hurt men in abusive relationships too. Plus the damage done is not just physical. It impacts on emotional and psychological well being. You are hurting your boyfriend every time you hit him.

I was clueless on that. I had no idea. My bf doesn't acts like he's hurt and seems to get it over with quickly. But now you got me thinking. He might also be pretending not to be hurt.

Is there an adult who you can talk to and ask them to help you get help such as counselling?

The problem is I'm still underaged and if I went to my counselor, for sure my parents might be informed. They don't even know I have a bf.

[Trimmer]

I'm new to this forum so I think this must belong to this section. Anyway I'm 16 years old, while my bf just turned 18 a couple days ago but see this is my first relationship.

 

Overall we get along well and it's only once in a blue moon that we get into stupid arguments and I end up slapping him. Thing is I kind of feel bad but then I don't know. He got me upset last time but then everything goes back to normal. Like mention, this isn't something that happens constantly but seldom.

 

I was wondering something. Can I still get in trouble for this if I'm a minor?

 

Can it really be bothering him? It seems like he doesn't take it personal and has gotten used it to, that's things are normal again once the argument is over. But this at times does make me think if he actually thinks about it or just takes it as a whatever, she'll calm down, no big deal thing.

As you get older, your lives will get more complex, and the stakes will gradually get higher. This is happening over "stupid" arguments. Can you press the fast forward button and imagine what might happen as you move on with your relatonship, and maybe have an occasional disagreement that isn't just a "stupid" one? Maybe you're really, seriously mad about something. What happens then?

 

You said you want to stop, but it just seems to happen. So when things if your life get more serious, what might "just happen" then?

 

The other point I want to make is that we train people how to treat us by how we treat them. Now I want to be VERY clear: I'm not saying that either of you has any justification for hitting the other. But subconsciously, you are communicating to him: when things get especially tough, when we have difficulties, this is my way of communicating with you. Do you really want to be establishing that as the baseline for how you guys will deal with each other? Do you want to train him that this is how things work in this relationship?

[anne1707]

Wouldn't it better for them to find out you have a boyfriend and are having counselling to help you have a healthy relationship than find out because the police are charging you with assault?

[Trimmer]

I was clueless on that. I had no idea. My bf doesn't acts like he's hurt and seems to get it over with quickly. But now you got me thinking. He might also be pretending not to be hurt.

And he might be embarrassed and humiliated, but holding that back, until some day it will just explode on him. We would hope that this would happen in some non-violent way like just choosing to leave you, and not as something that he wants to stop, but it just happens.

The problem is I'm still underaged and if I went to my counselor, for sure my parents might be informed. They don't even know I have a bf.

Please check on this - you may have more protection than you think. In my state (in the US) once an adolescent is either 13 or 14 (I can't remember which), they have a legally protected right to confidentiality with doctors and counselors. My own medical insurance company could not - by law - discuss with me a claim - on my policy - for a doctor's office visit by my daughter, until she got on the line, identified herself, and gave them permission to disclose her information to me. Same with counselors. Check it out in your area.

[BamaBelle07]

Do you really want to be establishing that as the baseline for how you guys will deal with each other? Do you want to train him that this is how things work in this relationship?

No, he knows I would break up if he does it back. I know, I'm already probably sounding like a hypocrite. I shouldn't be doing it myself. Will stop slapping him.

 

I know it makes he mad when he sometimes changes arrangement and instead of taking me out we spend up ending time at home, if he adds new female friends on facebook, his mother not liking me while he still wants me to come to his house, etc.

Edited August 3, 2013 by BamaBelle07

[Trimmer]

No, he knows I would break up if he does it back. I know, I'm already probably sounding like a hypocrite. I shouldn't be doing it myself. Will stop slapping him.

 

I know it makes he mad when he sometimes changes arrangement and instead of taking me out we spend up ending time at home, if he adds new female friends on facebook, his mother not liking me while he still wants me to come to his house, etc.

 

I understand that these are frustrations for you, but they are they types of issues that many couples deal with. I don't mean to minimize them by saying this, but I do hope you can keep things in perspective.

 

What is not normal for couples to have to deal with is violence in the relationship.

 

You already seem to know that you could be a better person than this. I think that is a good first step of honesty about yourself, which is one of the hardest obstacles for people when they want to change.

 

I think you can be that better person, too.

 

Don't think of a counselor as some kind of school principal authority figure that you're going to for punishment. Take control of your life, decide what changes you want to make to become that better person, and then seek out and use a counselor as a tool - as a partner - in helping you move forward in that direction.

[pcplod]

No, he knows I would break up if he does it back. I know, I'm already probably sounding like a hypocrite. I shouldn't be doing it myself. Will stop slapping him.

 

I know it makes he mad when he sometimes changes arrangement and instead of taking me out we spend up ending time at home, if he adds new female friends on facebook, his mother not liking me while he still wants me to come to his house, etc.

 

Here's the skinny. I sometimes, if not quite often, want to punch some people's lights out. I want to punch them senseless, even to the point of not caring whether they ever recover from it. I even want to punch anonymous *********s on the Internet with ignorant minds and runaway mouths, the size of the opening bows of roll-on, roll-off ferries, who are old enough that they should have learnt better by now. How crazy is that? But I don't. And I suspect that I am not that unusual in that respect.

 

But I gave that up gradually as I grew up by listening to people like me, talking to people like you and realising that it is just intrinsically wrong, and stupid to boot.

 

The thing to realise that when you respond to a slight, offence, or whatever like that it is not only intrinsically wrong, but it makes you a loser. You are, to the sane world, a complete loser, when it takes so little to respond so excessively and so extremely. It can be virtuous to actually take a selfish view of this and still do the right thing. When you let someone get under your skin like that so easily you have lost and you are lost. You can tell yourself, I can express myself much better than this. I can behave better than them. I can preserve my dignity and bearing and still be right, still make myself and my feelings clear and unambiguous, by simply using my voice, by vocalising my feelings and concerns.

 

And the inevitable process of personal evolution from child to woman or man, is to evolve from using physical violence as a means of expressing yourself, to communicate, to using verbal abuse and violence, cursing, screaming, name-calling, insulting, ranting and raving when your emotions are on the up and at the extreme. But then you begin to realise that is just such a crock too, and that all that was true and bad about resorting to physical violence is true too about verbal or even behavioural 'violence'.

 

That is when you come to the profound realisation that the only think that is your salvation is the strength of your ability to communicate your feelings and emotions, concisely and exactly with the power of language, of words. Body language still has it's part to play, but it is too easy for it to be misinterpreted and cannot stand by itself without the support of the right words, the right language. That is when the triumph and importance of self-accomplishment, self-control will strike you.

 

All you can do is to tell yourself that you will strive to stop this, no matter what the provocation. And the next time you fail, tell yourself all over again that this is really not good enough and that you are really going to have to re-double your effort and determination to gain control over yourself, instead of impulsively giving into your most base, instinctive behaviour, in the heat of the moment. Because you have just lost, lost yourself, again. Stop justifying it to yourself. Stop telling yourself that you just can't help it. Stop telling yourself that you are under extreme provocation and it is therefore justified. Stop telling yourself somehow that it the right thing to do. Stop making excuses for yourself., because even if you want to believe in it, nobody else watching you will.

 

This is what the essence of learning self-control is all about. A modicum of self-loathing balanced by the intrinsic notion that I will not do onto others that which I would not have them do onto me.

 

Oh, by the way, what's his story? His excuses? What self-control issues does he have? Or is he the perfect man? Somehow I suspect not, without even having to spend much time justifying the suspicion.

[CrystalCastles]

Just because you are a minor, it doesn't make absue ok.

 

If you get into an argument and you feel like you want to slap him, turn around and walk away. Give yourself some time to cool down. You need to practice better self control. It a part of being an adult.

[sweetkiwi]

It is very bad. I don't believe I've ever slapped an SO, unless he was into that. Exercise self control, and remove yourself from situations until you are calm.

 

How would you like it if he slapped you in the face????

[BamaBelle07]

Just because you are a minor, it doesn't make absue ok.

 

If you get into an argument and you feel like you want to slap him, turn around and walk away. Give yourself some time to cool down. You need to practice better self control. It a part of being an adult.

I will be doing that from now on.

[BamaBelle07]

It is very bad. I don't believe I've ever slapped an SO, unless he was into that. Exercise self control, and remove yourself from situations until you are calm.

I will. For sure he would then notice the changes I'm making.

How would you like it if he slapped you in the face????

Then that would be the last time he saw me or even speaks to me.

[Trimmer]

How would you like it if he slapped you in the face????

 

Then that would be the last time he saw me or even speaks to me.

So I suggest that part of your "work" on this is to really give some careful consideration to what you've just said here. To bring this back around to the question that you started this thread with: "Is it still bad to slap a bf once in a while?" You've answered your own question: yes, striking a partner in this way even once is so serious that it's enough to justify walking away from the relationship on the spot, and never speaking again.

 

This is your answer to your question. That's how serious you believe it is. And I agree with you.

[Els]

Uh... how about.... YES, IT'S VERY BAD?

 

Also, if your only concern about this is whether or not you'd 'get in trouble for it', you need serious help.

[M30USA]

Women should receive the very same penalty for any/all kinds of abuse that men do.

[whichwayisup]

I'm new to this forum so I think this must belong to this section. Anyway I'm 16 years old, while my bf just turned 18 a couple days ago but see this is my first relationship.

 

Overall we get along well and it's only once in a blue moon that we get into stupid arguments and I end up slapping him. Thing is I kind of feel bad but then I don't know. He got me upset last time but then everything goes back to normal. Like mention, this isn't something that happens constantly but seldom.

 

I was wondering something. Can I still get in trouble for this if I'm a minor?

 

Can it really be bothering him? It seems like he doesn't take it personal and has gotten used it to, that's things are normal again once the argument is over. But this at times does make me think if he actually thinks about it or just takes it as a whatever, she'll calm down, no big deal thing.

You need to learn to control your anger. Slapping him is giving yourself permission to cross the line and eventually it's going to get worse.

 

Yes it bothers him! You two are dating and he is your boyfriend. If he slapped you, it would bother you!

 

DO NOT SLAP HIM anymore. Seek counseling and talk to your parents about this. Sorry if what I'm saying sounds harsh, I just don't want you to get into the habit of doing this and it escalating one day, where you might take it too far and do something you cannot take back, end up at the cop station.

[BamaBelle07]

You've answered your own question: yes, striking a partner in this way even once is so serious that it's enough to justify walking away from the relationship on the spot, and never speaking again.

 

This is your answer to your question. That's how serious you believe it is. And I agree with you.

True and yet I feel bad for being a hypocrite. While he forgot it after our last argument was over, I would have left him if it was him doing that. Now, I'm starting to realize that it doesn't matter who does the slapping, it's bad either way.

 

Was wondering if I should finally apologize to him because I never did every time I slapped him. I'm already feeling terrible.

[BamaBelle07]

Uh... how about.... YES, IT'S VERY BAD?

 

Also, if your only concern about this is whether or not you'd 'get in trouble for it', you need serious help.

No, I really feel crappy now. I have a wonderful relationship and he has never cheated nor got aggressive in any way.

[Trimmer]

No, I really feel crappy now. I have a wonderful relationship and he has never cheated nor got aggressive in any way.

So now use this as energy and motivation to improve yourself and your relationship - commit to making a change for the better! And then be willing to really work at it.