Get the connection back

[steamy kitchens]

Hi and thanks in advance for reading.

 

I'm 38 and my wife is 33 and we've been married for 5 years, no kids. We met while I was living overseas - I was living in a very large city, in the capital of a developing nation for just under a year. When I was living there, most of the women that we're throwing themselves at me couldn't speak great English and real connection's were tough to find. But when I met the lady who would be my future wife, we clicked instantly. She didn't throw herself at me. We were platonic for the first two weeks after we became friends. We would see each other a few times a week. While getting to know her, I realized that we shared many of the same values, which made it very easy to spend time together. Not to mention she's beautiful and intelligent and the conversation seemed effortless. I recall the sexual tension that became greater over many weeks. We would often meet in public places, without somewhere to go and be private. PDAs are taboo there. We didn't even kiss until after two weeks, however I knew from the moment i said hello to her that I wanted to lay down with her. It was very hot and tropical too and at the time I was very much trying to adapt to the culture and learn the language as well. We took lots of trips to the beach and toured many places together. We had great sex.

 

So fast forward to the end of my stint there, I am going back to the US and her and another good buddy I met there have accompanied me to the airport. I'm having mixed feelings as I am quite sad that I have to leave, yet a bit excited to come home and see my family. She was strong as we said our goodbyes, but I later found out while texting my other buddy from the airport that she cried her eyes out when I left. I felt bad too.

 

Upon returning to the US, within about a week I became somewhat depressed, wishing I could be back in that country - wishing for the simplicity I enjoyed for those 7 months. I missed my girlfriend too. It took me a long time to re-adapt to the US as my entire outlook on the world changed living there. I became more resourceful, lest wasteful, less mindful of my style of clothes...etc. and when I first returned, I did not embrace my culture. I really longed to be back there. We kept in touch and I decided to petition her for a fiance visa.

 

When she gets here, I don't hesitate. We tie the knot after 3 days at city hall (I wanted to get her on my medical benefits in case something bad happened). I regret doing this because I had 3 months on her VISA before we would either have to get married or she would have to go home. Now don't get me wrong I do not regret marrying her, but I often wonder if I would have pushed through with it if I had waited the whole 3 months. Here's the deal:

 

At around 2 years in, our sex life began to wane. From then on, she was a student for another two years, and she was very studious and for hours and days on end, her nose was in the books. At times I felt neglected. She was extremely focused. We once had an argument and she mentioned that all she cares about is graduating so she can make money and support her parents (who are poor) back home. Over those 5 years, naturally I eventually re-adapted to my home and the memories of my time spent overseas are not fresh anymore. At this point, after 5 years we are like roommates - or best friends that live together. We rarely argue (no passion?), we are really agreeable (ho hum?), enjoy the same activities like hiking and exercising, love to travel and truly work as a team to help each other subsist. My family loves her. I love those aspects of our marriage. But I long for the passion we once had. It seems to have flat lined.

 

I really love my wife but I feel that we need to work on our emotional connection so we can desire each other more. Sometimes I wonder how I can be the only one feeling this way while she doesn't mention anything. She is the opposite of someone who wears their emotions on their sleeve. She keeps them to herself. I would go as far to say that she could be somewhat cold and aloof at times. Nowadays we have sex around once a month. She doesn't even mention the lack of sex. The sex just is not happening - not from her and not from me. Sometimes we cuddle and embrace in bed but I hardly feel excited. We still get along well and do not argue. Now there is incentive for her to stay in the relationship, aside from the relationship itself. With me, she can help her family and I must admit that fact enters my mind from time to time. After 5 years I am finding that there are some strong incompatibilities with my wife and I - namely in the communication department. I'm terrified. I don't want to call it quits because I really do love her - and I know marriage is work but we've been to counselling and both of us gave a half hearted effort to improve our sex life. There is a lot of good in our marriage but sex is really important to me and I'm feeling a significant void in our communicatoin and sex - and I have brought this up as well as initiated counselling.When our last anniversary passed, we both forgot - partially because we both gifted each other before the date - but at the end of the actual day we looked at each other and said holy **** - todays our anniversary. She also admitted that she didn't remember the date we were married.

 

I am just looking for some insight. Maybe one of you has had a similar situation. Are we just staying married out of convenience? Is there more happiness out there?

Edited August 3, 2013 by steamy kitchens
errors

[Moper]

Methinks you have no way of really knowing what is in her mind. You can construct a narrative along the lines of your existing bafflement or read Miss Priss' script into it. You can frame it anyway you want to but in terms of really knowing her you can only guess and chances of guessing right are low.

 

You can get more in touch with your own feelings. I am learning that I can affect my own feelings after 23 years of marriage. You can deal with your own issues in a functional way. You can grow. If necessary you can move on.

 

Focus on what you can do. Communicate. Be honest. Have good intentions.

 

I may have missed something but ultimately the answer is in you, not us or her or any counselor.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

It is really quite simple. You need to invest in romance, over a period of time. Like you did in the beginning.

 

You need to have honest open conversation about how important a close intimate (including sex) is to you and how you are asking for her to also try.

 

You need to read 5 LOVE LANGUAGES and other books.

 

Yes it can come back, if you both invest.

[steamy kitchens]

Methinks someone was looking for a better life in America and wanted out of her "developing nation." You mention that women were 'throwing themselves at you,' which sounds as though they were seeing you as a ticket to a better life in America, and not so much as Brad Pitt.

 

I just think your wife went about achieving that ticket out of East Jabib in a much sneakier way, is all. She let YOU come to her, rather than joining the groupies that were all vying for your attention. But it would be extremely naive for anyone to believe her sole interest in you was purely emotional (crocodile tears or not in the airport after you blew out of town).

 

It would appear that you were pretty much just a means to an end for her, OP. Her goal is to graduate college, become successful, earn lots of money and send it home to her parents. You're just funding this enterprise for her and making it all possible.

 

This reminds me of the men who buy mail order brides, thinking these women are madly in love with them when in reality, the clear majority of these women are simply looking for a way to get out of the hell-hole country they're living in.

 

Wow, I guess I made myself sound like somewhat of a sucker to you... Believe me, she never asked or pushed me to bring her to the US - not while I was there nor when I came back. I only mentioned the tears after the airport to show how she doesn't express emotion - as she tried to hide that from me...a characteristic that has manifested itself throughout our marriage (LACK OF EMOTION) her crying was not notion that made me decide to bring her here. I don't feel she used me to get to the U.S. however I am aware of the possibility that her objectives could adapt mid-marriage.

 

The mail order bride picture you illustrate couldn't be more off from our situation...I do know those types and that's not us.

 

It is really quite simple. You need to invest in romance, over a period of time. Like you did in the beginning.

 

You need to have honest open conversation about how important a close intimate (including sex) is to you and how you are asking for her to also try.

 

You need to read 5 LOVE LANGUAGES and other books.

 

Yes it can come back, if you both invest.

 

Thank you.

 

Methinks you have no way of really knowing what is in her mind. You can construct a narrative along the lines of your existing bafflement or read Miss Priss' script into it. You can frame it anyway you want to but in terms of really knowing her you can only guess and chances of guessing right are low.

 

You can get more in touch with your own feelings. I am learning that I can affect my own feelings after 23 years of marriage. You can deal with your own issues in a functional way. You can grow. If necessary you can move on.

 

Focus on what you can do. Communicate. Be honest. Have good intentions.

 

I may have missed something but ultimately the answer is in you, not us or her or any counselor.

 

Thank you, this is very true - I should try to be my best to work on myself (the only thing I can change) and see if the other pieces fall in to place. If I am still unhappy - then I'll cross that street when I reach it. She is a great, good natured, and loving individual with high moral values.

Edited August 3, 2013 by steamy kitchens