Constant Berating

[TheInfamousCookie]

For those of you that haven't read my thread in the "Getting Married" section, I wanted to vent about some issues I am having with my mother, over here.

 

I am around 20 and still finishing up college. Coming from a conservative Indian family, there is a large number of things that have always been off limits to me, including dating, staying out beyond 7, going out to see friends etc. All thanks to my mother. She puts a heavy emphasis on my studies and has gone to the point of bringing up failures of mines as far back as 6th grade. She constantly reminds me of how I failed at that point and how I need to step it up. That is one of the biggest reason I am usually under lock and key: grades. I could get good grades and it would be the same thing. My grades are usually A's and B's with the occasional C/D.

 

Also, my family believes in the concept of arranged marriage. Anything but arrange marriage leads to disownment and being completely cut off from the family. This is an issue that is not up for argument. Even though I am only 20, my mother keeps bringing up "You need to learn how to do this properly" so that my "in-laws" don't berate me and so that SHE doesn't look like she taught her daughter NOTHING at all. She also doesn't want society to know that her daughter won't do an arranged marriage because it will bring "shame" to the family. God forbid I do a love marriage.

 

My mom is the kind who is overly paranoid and tries to be on top of whatever it is that I do. When I was a kid, she put a nanny blocker on my laptop to read what I wrote to my friends and what websites I visited. She kept me on lock and key and those are the days that she still used physical abuse as a method of discipline as I was too small to ward it off. Suffice to say, I ended up with depression and went through a phase of self harm that took me a long time to break. Ive been "clean" for around 3 months, a little more perhaps. She still uses the occasional slap when she's too angry. She constantly lectures me on what it is that I am doing wrong and why can't I be a decent child and how she is spending a lot of money on me.

 

I know that I have two years left of undergrad and then I should be free, but what worries me is that I also want to go to graduate school and finding funds for that will be worrisome as well as tough. But I can't stand to live here anymore. I am literally marking off days on my calendar as to when I will leave.

 

What do I do? How do I get through this without falling back into depression? Being berated every waking moment is eating at me alive.

[Roadkill007]

have you looked into scholarship programs and such? Sounds like you have it pretty rough, having to choose between education and sanity. I think the healthiest choice in the long run is probably being open about not wanting to be in an arranged marriage, breaking off and breaking free from your family, and trying to somehow wing it through on your own. It's very daunting, but between loans, scholarships, and the connections you'll make through your university, it's definitely possible. Ofc it'll also probably still be financially crippling, but as an example, my mom came over here to America with only $5000, and managed to get her degree as well as her pharmaceutical license all while working her way through school.

 

I suppose you could also endure the berating for another 6ish years (or maybe less if you fast track your way through your education) if you wanted financial security for a bit longer. Remember that you can always come back to college too! If you talk to a counselor, I think you might be able to take a break from school while solidifying your financial situation if you choose to become independent. Well, whatever you choose, I hope you'll be happy with your decision in the end.

[TheInfamousCookie]

have you looked into scholarship programs and such? Sounds like you have it pretty rough, having to choose between education and sanity. I think the healthiest choice in the long run is probably being open about not wanting to be in an arranged marriage, breaking off and breaking free from your family, and trying to somehow wing it through on your own. It's very daunting, but between loans, scholarships, and the connections you'll make through your university, it's definitely possible. Ofc it'll also probably still be financially crippling, but as an example, my mom came over here to America with only $5000, and managed to get her degree as well as her pharmaceutical license all while working her way through school.

 

I suppose you could also endure the berating for another 6ish years (or maybe less if you fast track your way through your education) if you wanted financial security for a bit longer. Remember that you can always come back to college too! If you talk to a counselor, I think you might be able to take a break from school while solidifying your financial situation if you choose to become independent. Well, whatever you choose, I hope you'll be happy with your decision in the end.

 

The scholarship I have right now, plus the loans, covers about half of the tuition I have. My plans were to finish undergraduate, try to find a job, save up some money before coming back to get my MBA. I do not want to be dependent on them for money, especially when my mother likes to remind me that nothing in this house is mines because she has paid for it. I have two more years left and I cannot wait till those are over. Once that is done, I will most likely break it off.

 

But I do worry quite a bit because she has heart problems and I don't want to aggravate them by my actions. And I have a puppy who lives with her sibling and I wouldn't want to take her away from her brother. She whines in the morning if I don't wake up to let her go and see her brother in the other room, and I worry what will happen if I do take her with me. And I'm scared to leave her here because I worry what might happen to her in my absence...

[Roadkill007]

But I do worry quite a bit because she has heart problems and I don't want to aggravate them by my actions. And I have a puppy who lives with her sibling and I wouldn't want to take her away from her brother. She whines in the morning if I don't wake up to let her go and see her brother in the other room, and I worry what will happen if I do take her with me. And I'm scared to leave her here because I worry what might happen to her in my absence...

 

 

yea, but the problem is that you can't sacrifice your life for her comfort...

 

What's the problem with leaving the puppy in your parents' house? Afraid of abuse? neglect? Also to consider, on one hand, having the puppy with you would also be good for you because you wouldn't feel so alone when you're independent. On the other hand, it's another responsibility and a financial drain. Perhaps the relief from some stress it brings to you will give the puppy a better life with you. Perhaps the responsibilities and the financial drain might make it so it's better off with your parents? (and your brother was it?)

[TheInfamousCookie]

hmmm,,,,,,,,,, we dont know your culture and we dont know how

it is to be in that.

 

but i often hear from Indian and Muslims about this type of things.

 

maybe you can talk about it with the easiest family member, and see if there will be a change after she talks with your parents, or move out. or go live in a other city ,get a scholarship there, and make shore you build a good group of other people(friends) that

can be your support system and make it happen, and get a good job and succeed in life.

 

I'm Hindu and our culture is pretty strict and old fashioned. There is really no way to talk to anyone about this as most of my family believes in following the rules. I do plan on moving out. Even though I'll be leaving in two years, I have already started writing my letter about why I'll leave.

[Seductive]

The problem is is that most posters aren't from our culture. They will not understand.

 

I'm projecting my own lifestyle on to you. I could be wrong. I don't know how your mom will react.

 

Just get your stuff together when you're ready and leave. I know it's scary. I know you will be yelled at. But, you just have to do it. That's what I did at age 25. It wasn't just my mom, but an Indian ex-boyfriend that acted like a controlling father. I told them, "You think I can't make it on my own. I will show you." I saved up several thousands of dollars from my part-time job. I finished my masters degree. I got a job and an apartment out of state. I packed all of my stuff in my car and drove off.

 

Once my family and that loser ex knew that I wasn't scared of them, they backed off.

[TheInfamousCookie]

The problem is is that most posters aren't from our culture. They will not understand.

 

I'm projecting my own lifestyle on to you. I could be wrong. I don't know how your mom will react.

 

Just get your stuff together when you're ready and leave. I know it's scary. I know you will be yelled at. But, you just have to do it. That's what I did at age 25. It wasn't just my mom, but an Indian ex-boyfriend that acted like a controlling father. I told them, "You think I can't make it on my own. I will show you." I saved up several thousands of dollars from my part-time job. I finished my masters degree. I got a job and an apartment out of state. I packed all of my stuff in my car and drove off.

 

Once my family and that loser ex knew that I wasn't scared of them, they backed off.

 

I like that idea! Its what I'm planning. I got into a fight with her today and she went "In two years we can finally have peace!" as that is when I graduate from my undergrad. If only they knew how true that is! I'd love to get a part time job but they won't let me get one. So that kind of sucks for me, but I am saving money from the pocket money that they give me and I've started looking at schools for my MBA that are good ranked and not too expensive. I'm starting to make a plan now to see what I can do. I'll need to start saving up for an apartment and probably get a part time MBA so that I can work while studying and save up. A bit slower yes but better than doing a full time MBA with no job :/ Gotta bring in rent money, money for my puppy and food etc.

[Seductive]

You're on the right track. Have you thought about finding a roommate? It's not that scary as it seems. My parents didn't want me to work either, but they can't physically stop you. I still went and got a job. Make sure you have access to your own bank account and know how to deposit a check. My mom used to be very controlling of my finances where I didn't know how to even deposit a check. I hope you're seeking counseling and financial advice at your school. you're going to be free one day and look back at what you've accomplished!

[TheInfamousCookie]

You're on the right track. Have you thought about finding a roommate? It's not that scary as it seems. My parents didn't want me to work either, but they can't physically stop you. I still went and got a job. Make sure you have access to your own bank account and know how to deposit a check. My mom used to be very controlling of my finances where I didn't know how to even deposit a check. I hope you're seeking counseling and financial advice at your school. you're going to be free one day and look back at what you've accomplished!

 

I would like to have a room mate. I know how to deposit a check, I learnt that at my old job. I was considering getting a job at maybe CVS or Publix and then cashing the checks I get and keeping it completely AWAY from my bank accounts. I haven't been to see a counselor yet because my main worry was whether or not I would have to put my income into the financial aid stuff they make us fill out because I want to keep it out of that

[Seductive]

If you've survived this long, you can do it more. It's a process to leave, unless you're brave enough to just pick up.

 

The thing is that the people I know, who left abruptly, ended up screwing themselves over. When people tell me, "Why didn't you leave when you were 18?", I said "I probably would have had to dodge pimps and drug dealers." I was the perfect victim for a sleazy perpetrator at 18. So, I took my time to make sure I was mentally, emotionally and financially ready.

[TheInfamousCookie]

If you've survived this long, you can do it more. It's a process to leave, unless you're brave enough to just pick up.

 

The thing is that the people I know, who left abruptly, ended up screwing themselves over. When people tell me, "Why didn't you leave when you were 18?", I said "I probably would have had to dodge pimps and drug dealers." I was the perfect victim for a sleazy perpetrator at 18. So, I took my time to make sure I was mentally, emotionally and financially ready.

 

I agree. I want to finish my undergraduate at least. My mom is hell bent upon me taking the medical exam and no other exam. The only other option she gave me was to finish undergrad and get a job. But other than MCAT, no other exam is allowed.