Got my wish

[GreySkyMorning]

I wanted him gone, just out of my life completely. So now he is. We had a couple more days of angry texts on my side, because I still can't get past the lies and the way he treated me at the end. Only a few texts Thursday, one yesterday, now nothing. It feels over this time. It never did before. This was final. He won't be back. I won't go looking for him either. There's no point in it. He's not changing anything in his life, he's already said he doesn't love me anymore, and I don't think I could ever get past the fact that he led me on all that time. All those tears, two years of crying every day wanting him, all for nothing. So much nonsense that I went through during that time, all for nothing. None of it meant anything.

 

I'm incredibly sad and depressed. I can't seem to find any joy in anything at the moment. Nothing. There are so many other things going on right now too. I have to go through a medical procedure on Tuesday that could either turn out really good or really bad for me. Its actually a pretty routine thing and I've had it done five other times, but I had a very bad experience one of those times and nearly died. So now I'm nervous and anxious beforehand every time. He knows all this is going on. Every other time, he was my emotional support. And he always acted like, made me believe, that he was so concerned for my wellbeing. So this time, I know that I won't hear a word from him. And maybe thats a good thing. Again, there's no point in hearing from him.

 

At the moment, its not even him that I miss, its the relationship. Its the relationship I thought we had, which was a lie the whole time. It was feeling like someone cared, thought I was special, was there for me. And being able to give that back to another person. I don't know what to do. I know that this depression and hopeless feeling is killing me right now. I can't rely on my kids to make me feel better. I don't have any real friends in this area at all. Like, I don't even have anyone close enough to drive me home from the hospital after my procedure. I'm incredibly lonely. I don't have the money to get out and take classes or anything of that nature. I can't afford counseling, so thats out. I've been considering getting a second job just to keep busy and have some more money coming in too, but then my kids suffer because I'm not around. I'm already gone with a full time job and now this. My house is completely trashed and I have no energy or will to clean it.

 

I don't know anymore. I'm just venting. I'm just sad and tired and venting.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm so sorry for you. It sounds like you've been through hell and back, several times over. I can only imagine what you're going through, right now. I hope I never find myself in that position. I hope I never have to deal with someone only pretending to care all that time.

 

Maybe at one point, he did care. I can't say for sure. There isn't anything I can do or say to make things better for you; I've been that depressed-I'm often struggling with it-so I know that the only way out of that level of depression will come from within.

 

If I could hug you, and tell you you'll be okay when this all passes, I would. For some reason, nothing hurts more than matters of the heart. It doesn't matter that there are bigger things going on, all around us. Love and heartache are irrational, they cannot be reasoned with, and they take the most out of us.

 

I really hope you will be okay. If you can PM, feel free to PM me. I can't do much, but the least I can do is listen, if you need a virtual ear.

[Goodbye]

Grey,

 

I wouldn't count on him never reappearing. I've felt the "final goodbye" again, and my exMM returns. Each "final" goodbye I grew a little more distant, gave away a little more hope. Now I'm pretty callous, which is good. I got a letter in the mail from the exMM, I read it and threw it away.

 

Give yourself some time. You are re-grieving. Set the timer in your kitchen and make yourself tidy up for 30 minutes and then reward yourself with a hot shower. Small stuff like that can get you through the rocky spells, and slowly they become less frequent.

 

Hang in there.

[waytogo]

Goodbye is right Grey. I was extremely dismayed at the disorder in my once completely in place home after a series of, what nows!

 

I actually started reading about how o pull it back together. One program I followed was commit yourself to only 15 minutes. Most anyone can do anything for 15 minutes. Once you've done that, you'll probably want to do more and wont time it. It was true for me.

[LimeBlue]

None of it meant anything.

 

The most hurtful part. I'm feeling the same after receiving a very nasty callous text from him on Thursday night. I stood by him, was there day and night, listened to him crying over his troubles, never judged him, always believed in him genuinly - and now this. I have not responded and I won't. I'm done. He can find the next victim to listen to his tears. As you say - there is a feeling of finality around it

[Mount]

Sorry to hear that, but that is so wrong you are doing self-destruction to yourself. If you don't light up loving yourself, why would MM or others to save you, or love you.

 

Put MM aside, just take care yourself first.

 

I wanted him gone, just out of my life completely. So now he is. We had a couple more days of angry texts on my side, because I still can't get past the lies and the way he treated me at the end. Only a few texts Thursday, one yesterday, now nothing. It feels over this time. It never did before. This was final. He won't be back. I won't go looking for him either. There's no point in it. He's not changing anything in his life, he's already said he doesn't love me anymore, and I don't think I could ever get past the fact that he led me on all that time. All those tears, two years of crying every day wanting him, all for nothing. So much nonsense that I went through during that time, all for nothing. None of it meant anything.

 

I'm incredibly sad and depressed. I can't seem to find any joy in anything at the moment. Nothing. There are so many other things going on right now too. I have to go through a medical procedure on Tuesday that could either turn out really good or really bad for me. Its actually a pretty routine thing and I've had it done five other times, but I had a very bad experience one of those times and nearly died. So now I'm nervous and anxious beforehand every time. He knows all this is going on. Every other time, he was my emotional support. And he always acted like, made me believe, that he was so concerned for my wellbeing. So this time, I know that I won't hear a word from him. And maybe thats a good thing. Again, there's no point in hearing from him.

 

At the moment, its not even him that I miss, its the relationship. Its the relationship I thought we had, which was a lie the whole time. It was feeling like someone cared, thought I was special, was there for me. And being able to give that back to another person. I don't know what to do. I know that this depression and hopeless feeling is killing me right now. I can't rely on my kids to make me feel better. I don't have any real friends in this area at all. Like, I don't even have anyone close enough to drive me home from the hospital after my procedure. I'm incredibly lonely. I don't have the money to get out and take classes or anything of that nature. I can't afford counseling, so thats out. I've been considering getting a second job just to keep busy and have some more money coming in too, but then my kids suffer because I'm not around. I'm already gone with a full time job and now this. My house is completely trashed and I have no energy or will to clean it.

 

I don't know anymore. I'm just venting. I'm just sad and tired and venting.

[whichwayisup]

Let yourself grieve the loss it'll help you heal and get over him and what you miss BUT...Pick yourself up and call some women friends and get out to have some fun. Living in misery will only make you feel more depressed. Rent funny movies just so you can take your mind off of stuff. Exercise, blast your music and sing (dance naked in front of the mirror! Again -- To make yourself laugh.)

 

Sorry you're hurting.

[GreySkyMorning]

The most hurtful part. I'm feeling the same after receiving a very nasty callous text from him on Thursday night. I stood by him, was there day and night, listened to him crying over his troubles, never judged him, always believed in him genuinly - and now this. I have not responded and I won't. I'm done. He can find the next victim to listen to his tears. As you say - there is a feeling of finality around it

 

This....so many things that always went on that I helped support him through. I encouraged him to go to school, tried to be there to help him out, every crisis he had, I was there for him. There was always something going on. Troubles at work, troubles with the fire dept, troubles at home, whatever it was, I was ALWAYS there as his sounding board. I wanted to be. Thats what you do for the people you love, right?

 

Remembering the day he passed his national exams, his message to me "we did it together, you were there for me every step of the way, we've had our ups and downs but we made it through it and I knew you were there". But on my graduation day? Four texts from him. It was after everything started to blow up and I wasnt important to him anymore.

 

So what do you do with all the little promises of things you'd do together that now will never happen? He used to think my career was so cool, promised he'd see where I worked one day. That'll never happen now. Or when he's text and say he'd been riding his bike and imaging me behind him and him rubbing my leg? Never gonna happen now. I'm sure they ride together now and he can rub her leg. Or new years, when he couldn't be here but promised he'd be here and we'd be together for the next one? Never gonna happen now.

 

Towards the very end, I got so frustrated one day and asked him point blank what his plans were. He said "my plans are to be with you".

 

But yet, after all that, I'm just dismissed, he doesn't love me anymore, and he just goes back to his happy life and I'm the one still sitting here wondering if I imagined it all.

[fanine]

This....so many things that always went on that I helped support him through. I encouraged him to go to school, tried to be there to help him out, every crisis he had, I was there for him. There was always something going on. Troubles at work, troubles with the fire dept, troubles at home, whatever it was, I was ALWAYS there as his sounding board. I wanted to be. Thats what you do for the people you love, right?

 

Remembering the day he passed his national exams, his message to me "we did it together, you were there for me every step of the way, we've had our ups and downs but we made it through it and I knew you were there". But on my graduation day? Four texts from him. It was after everything started to blow up and I wasnt important to him anymore.

 

So what do you do with all the little promises of things you'd do together that now will never happen? He used to think my career was so cool, promised he'd see where I worked one day. That'll never happen now. Or when he's text and say he'd been riding his bike and imaging me behind him and him rubbing my leg? Never gonna happen now. I'm sure they ride together now and he can rub her leg. Or new years, when he couldn't be here but promised he'd be here and we'd be together for the next one? Never gonna happen now.

 

Towards the very end, I got so frustrated one day and asked him point blank what his plans were. He said "my plans are to be with you".

 

But yet, after all that, I'm just dismissed, he doesn't love me anymore, and he just goes back to his happy life and I'm the one still sitting here wondering if I imagined it all.

 

I supported him so much. He had loads of troubles, I helped with work, when he felt down, with money even when he was really stuck. I was the one picking him in my car all the time from places like the airport....for me that is what people do in love, they build a relationship together.

 

But more and more he did nothing for me. Never asked how I was, didn't seem to want to know at all what I did when I was not with him. He didn't even seem to notice when I started texting him and contacting less. As long as I was free when he felt like seeing me, he seemed quite happy.

 

He wanted me in a box, a toy doll in a box that he could take out when he felt like playing with it. Oh and a mother too.

 

We don't need men like this. I do sometimes think was it all dream? Why did I fall for all this? Unfortunately it is all real. But it will be something in the past one day, something that I will learn from...

[fanine]

Grey,

 

I wouldn't count on him never reappearing. I've felt the "final goodbye" again, and my exMM returns. Each "final" goodbye I grew a little more distant, gave away a little more hope. Now I'm pretty callous, which is good. I got a letter in the mail from the exMM, I read it and threw it away.

 

Give yourself some time. You are re-grieving. Set the timer in your kitchen and make yourself tidy up for 30 minutes and then reward yourself with a hot shower. Small stuff like that can get you through the rocky spells, and slowly they become less frequent.

 

Hang in there.

 

I found that too. Every time we said the final goodbye and he returned, I did grow a bit more distant, a bit more tired of it all. I think also because in the space of time I was not in touch with him, my life was actually far more stable. There were not the same emotional ups and downs. Okay I felt like **** because it was over, so I thought, but at the same time I was not walking on egg shells, wondering when he might next get in touch with me. If I was going to get the hot or cold treatment. I did feel more stable. He really was toxic. I was just crazy to keep letting him back in. I know now though, and I feel in the right mind to as well, really end it and have some peace

[krazikat]

Let yourself grieve the loss it'll help you heal and get over him and what you miss BUT...Pick yourself up and call some women friends and get out to have some fun. Living in misery will only make you feel more depressed. Rent funny movies just so you can take your mind off of stuff. Exercise, blast your music and sing (dance naked in front of the mirror! Again -- To make yourself laugh.)

 

Sorry you're hurting.

 

Yes, this! I love boxing when I am pissed or stressed...great workout with added benefit of taking your anger/frustration on something...

[fanine]

I just looked back at some of your old posts, and your MM seems very similar in many ways to mine.

 

Whenever I said to him I cannot handle this any more. I can't do this any more while you are still with your wife, he would twist it. Even if I said it calmly and stated the reasons why, he would say I was going because I didn't love him, I didn't really care for him. Why was I abandoning him if I truly wanted to be with him? He even accused me of just using him for sex

 

I couldn't win. There had been times he had said the whole situation was not fair on me, yet when I said okay I need to go and have a real relationship with someone he would give me all that ****. He would be cold and cruel and be like okay, whatever.

 

That is what I used to hate most - and I guess too he knew that. I didn't want him to hate me. I did want to end it those times. He would always get back in touch with me within a week, and I would end up almost apologising and he would tell me not to be a drama queen

 

Stupid, stupid I know. It became a pattern and he never really believed me that I would go. He always thought I will leave her to calm down for a few days, and then she will take me back with open arms. And I did, because I didn't want to feel someone might hate me - especially someone I thought I loved and had invested so much in emotionally. To me, if he did hate me, then I felt I had been completely used and the whole thing was a sham.

 

So going back to him, and him being nice to me again for a bit kind of gave me a validation that he did have some feelings and I had not been hoodwinked...twisted logic eh...

[LimeBlue]

I supported him so much. He had loads of troubles, I helped with work, when he felt down, with money even when he was really stuck. I was the one picking him in my car all the time from places like the airport....for me that is what people do in love, they build a relationship together.

 

This is one area where I will not let up - money. I never ever allow anyone to ask me for money and if anyone ever does, the flat standard reply is no. Sometimes my other boundaries are low but mention money and suddenly the Great Wall of china goes up in seconds. Not that my AP or EAP ever did ask but money is my own personal protection plan for the long term and I won't even help out with 20 bucks. This is a major boundary for me.

 

Do OW often give out money? Do they often get asked?