Should I move?

[iloveredwoods]

My fiance proposed to me back in June. We started dating in November. We love each other but I hate the area he lives in. I live in a beautiful, culturally rich coastal town, which is peaceful and relaxing, and he lives in an urban nightmare as far as I am concerned. It is only a 30 minute drive away but separated by a huge life defying mountainous road (people drive 60mph around steep fast curves) it's an awful drive.

 

He doesn't want to move with me to the coastal town and make that commute daily (plus there is a lot of traffic congestion as many people commute to the urban area)

 

He says, just move to the Silicon Valley (that's where he lives) and be with me. But I hate it there, there's pollution, no ocean (which I love)... and I don't know what I'm going to do. Also, he is not wealthy, he is an artist and lives in a small crowded house, and always keeps the curtains closed, I feel very uncomfortable there.

 

I am 32 and am thinking about having a baby at some point hopefully, but as we discuss it more he is feeling reluctant to even talk about having kids, and now he is even pulling back on setting a date because of bad memories about his first 2 marriages.

 

I feel like either I push harder and move in with him (he always encourages me to spend more time with him in the silicon valley) but I am only doing it to see him and I feel resentful and unhappy to be away from the coastal town that I love.

 

My mom has offered to help with money to buy a nicer house for him, but he refuses her help.

 

I am thinking I will try to pull back a little bit and spend more time in my coastal area, but emotionally I feel so attached to my fiance, I can't stand to be away from him, I just feel like my heart hurts when I am away from him. I absolutely love to be near him. I just feel like I can't be happy anywhere, either in the Silicon Valley, because I miss my coastal town, my friends and my life there, or in the coastal town, because I miss him too much.

[Chris516]

My fiance proposed to me back in June. We started dating in November. We love each other but I hate the area he lives in. I live in a beautiful, culturally rich coastal town, which is peaceful and relaxing, and he lives in an urban nightmare as far as I am concerned. It is only a 30 minute drive away but separated by a huge life defying mountainous road (people drive 60mph around steep fast curves) it's an awful drive.

 

He doesn't want to move with me to the coastal town and make that commute daily (plus there is a lot of traffic congestion as many people commute to the urban area)

 

He says, just move to the Silicon Valley (that's where he lives) and be with me. But I hate it there, there's pollution, no ocean (which I love)... and I don't know what I'm going to do. Also, he is not wealthy, he is an artist and lives in a small crowded house, and always keeps the curtains closed, I feel very uncomfortable there.

 

I am 32 and am thinking about having a baby at some point hopefully, but as we discuss it more he is feeling reluctant to even talk about having kids, and now he is even pulling back on setting a date because of bad memories about his first 2 marriages.

 

I feel like either I push harder and move in with him (he always encourages me to spend more time with him in the silicon valley) but I am only doing it to see him and I feel resentful and unhappy to be away from the coastal town that I love.

 

My mom has offered to help with money to buy a nicer house for him, but he refuses her help.

 

I am thinking I will try to pull back a little bit and spend more time in my coastal area, but emotionally I feel so attached to my fiance, I can't stand to be away from him, I just feel like my heart hurts when I am away from him. I absolutely love to be near him. I just feel like I can't be happy anywhere, either in the Silicon Valley, because I miss my coastal town, my friends and my life there, or in the coastal town, because I miss him too much.

 

While I understand how he likes living in Silicon Valley, and you on the coast, there two things to consider.

 

1. The driving through the mountains where they sometimes go 60mph(you mentioned)

 

2. The pollution, here is a link regarding the 'pollution' in Silicon Valley: History ? Silicon Valley Toxics Coalition

[beautifulearth83]

I didn't even have to read your whole post to know my response. If you don't have good feelings about it, don't move there. I've moved to places I didn't want to be for love, and it really all went to heck. You have to enjoy where you are. As much as you may want to do what you have to for your relationship, I think it's more important to stand your ground and be where you enjoy.

[justwhoiam]

1) What's more important: your fiancé or your home town?

2) You've been knowing him for just 8 months, don't pressure him... he proposed to you, take your time to arrange things and set a date for 2014

3) You said he's an artist, what does he do? Why should he commute? Can't he work anywhere?

4) What do you do? If you moved to his place, should you commute every day?

5) Does he have family where he lives?

6) You need to make it clear you want a family with children. If he doesn't like the idea, don't settle for him. You might regret it.

7) He likes living like an artist, and you can't change that. Whatever house you choose, be sure he has places where he can be alone and keep the curtains closed. His past relationships failed for a reason, so don't overlook his needs, if you want to live with him all your life long.

[CherryT]

I don't think you both should consider marriage let alone moving yet. You're not on the same page. You don't have the same life goals. Why commit to something like that?

 

I'll be moving countries to be with m SO. However, we talk about marriage, kids, finances, health, everything that's 'uncomfortable' but needs to be on the table before making that jump. When we realized that we had the same core values and life goals, the move wasn't even really a factor. He loves my city but would never move here and I am open to moving. I would NEVER move for someone unless I knew that 1) it was serious and he wanted to commit 2) we had the same life goals (kids is a dealbreaker for me) 3) we were on the same page financially (I have a great career and can take care of myself, but I'm not willing to be someones mother and have to bicker about how we spend our finances). These are all important details for me because I've been in relationships where 1 or many of those items weren't meeting eye to eye. You'll resent him because you made a move and he can't or doesn't want to provide you with the things you need and want (kids, stability, etc).

 

Don't get lost in your lust.

[keithkat]

A healthy relationship consists of compromise, not a sacrifice.

 

What is it in Silicon Valley that he cannot leave?

 

If you are willing to exert all these efforts to be with him, why can't he?

 

If you ever decide to move in with him, do you think he will take care of you? Is he committed enough to attend to your needs and wants? Or will he just go on living his life the way he wants to?

 

Take care of yourself.