Should I believe him?

[micky]

I dont know if you remember my posts from before but they were about getting out of my marriage because he just totally destroyed our love ,

 

well here is a new twist after being totally selfish in our marriage and never giving me what I needed , even when i begged along with his need to bring other people in our life he now says he has changed, he says he has seen now what he has done and wants to make it up to me, he says he wants to start over and be who I have needed for the last 10 years after all the emotional abuse he has caused me he wants me to open my heart again and pretend it doesn't hurt anymore, we have been seperated since sept. trying since feb. with no change till now? I want to believe its true but am afraid its just another way to keep me hanging on , He also has asked me to spend new years with him and his new friend (21) who is dating a married women(31), says we can go as friends we are in our thirties he says he knows he has been a real jerk and says I should give him the chance to make it up to me. (THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS) On the other hand he has not paid the bills ,I had to use bill money to get my kids xmas gifts and I just learned that his friend took him to the mall to buy himself a new designer wardrobe this from a guy who says he is a jeans and t-shirt guy, he said he bought new clothes to make me see him different , he hasn't mentioned what I am surpose to do about the bills . He seems to think that he can change whats on the outside new hair do, new clothes ,new friends,and that is surpose to change what he has done and make me fall in love with him again whats this all about?

 

Is it a desperate attempt to change my mind about him ?

 

why does he think I am that shallow I have never asked him to change his looks ,only how he treated me. He also said that he wanted to thank me for opening his eyes he says he will never treat anyone that way again and if I don't want him he will treat the next women so much better because i have educated him on just what not to do . I feel like I am going crazy I don't know what to believe or what to feel Help please !

[Rachel]

My dear, actions speak louder than words.

 

Bills sitting there? Is he responsible for half or more? Then let his actions speak. Tell him you need the money to pay the bills ASAP. If he is telling the truth, he will pay it quickly. Also tell him you know he's bought new clothes so you know he has money.

 

As far as new clothes, new friends, etc. goes, it seems that he is doing that for his own good. To make himself attractive to other women. What his friend says is ""ll--""it.

 

As far as New Years Eve goes, tell him you got invited to a great party with friends and that's where you will be. It sounds like he doesn't have a date so he wants to take you, especially since sex afterwards will probably be guaranteed.

 

Think with your head not your heart right now. This guy has abused and hurt you, don't let him now USE you.

 

Get the money from him, first though

[Stargazer]

For the last ten years he's abused you and now he SAYS he's changed, so what???!!!, wait another ten years for him to prove it with his actions then maybe, just maybe think about believing it. Actions will ALWAYS speak louder than words, talk is cheap and so is he.

 

In the meantime get the money off him for your children, pay the bills and don't go near him.........for anything.

 

He's a control freak, the lines about the other women are to make you think he'll treat the next one so much better and boy are you gonna miss out, want to risk your life on that again? I'd let the next one get his finest treatment possible (believe me, it won't be that fine), YOU don't need his scraps, you've got the memories to know better.

[Rogue]

I've read your post before,Micky. I've told you before you have to keep your distance from him for a long time. DO NOT spend New Years's Eve with him. If he wants to talk to you ,tell him it has to be about paying bills and that any other topic of conversation is not good enough. If he's not talking to you about paying bills then ignore him.

 

It's about time you told your children what's going on,unless they are very young. They already know something is wrong, but it's important to clear any misconceptions.

 

You have to start looking for a job for yourself and your children. Ask your friends for help in finding one. The sooner you can earn your own money, the easier dealing with all this will be. Yes, I know your husband's responsible for this and that he's selfish, but forget all that for now and try to move on. Finding a job for yourself is now your number one priority! This is the most important thing you can do right now, so don't let yourself get distracted by anything else. Job hunting is a little intimidating, but don't let that scare you off. It's a scary thing for everyone,not just you. Don't let any rejection you get in job hunting get you down either, it's normal to be turned down a lot. Just keep plugging away, and something decent will turn up.

 

Keep your distance from your husband for now. Don't bother to return his calls ,unless he's offering to pay the bills. Financial support is all he's good for right now, so if he's not giving it,what good is he to you or your children?

[MICKY]

Just wanted to get your take on this situation. thanks

[ashesmum]

You know why you should see him?? For alimony! If he doesn't even have the brains to understand that he has family to take care of as he goes off and buys a new wardrobe, then take a hike! you need to tell him right away that he owes money up the ying yang for bills and the kids things. And if you decide you want to go to New Years, then go ahead (moms need a good time once in a while) but don't get hooked back on to him. Keep your distance so you can see the enchilada. See if he is just playing you for a fool or actually changing. And Let him know exactly how you want it to be. As for his friend, I'm not sure. Don't see alot of 30 yr olds running around with 20 yr olds???

I dont know if you remember my posts from before but they were about getting out of my marriage because he just totally destroyed our love , well here is a new twist after being totally selfish in our marriage and never giving me what I needed , even when i begged along with his need to bring other people in our life he now says he has changed, he says he has seen now what he has done and wants to make it up to me, he says he wants to start over and be who I have needed for the last 10 years after all the emotional abuse he has caused me he wants me to open my heart again and pretend it doesn't hurt anymore, we have been seperated since sept. trying since feb. with no change till now? I want to believe its true but am afraid its just another way to keep me hanging on , He also has asked me to spend new years with him and his new friend (21) who is dating a married women(31), says we can go as friends we are in our thirties he says he knows he has been a real jerk and says I should give him the chance to make it up to me. (THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS) On the other hand he has not paid the bills ,I had to use bill money to get my kids xmas gifts and I just learned that his friend took him to the mall to buy himself a new designer wardrobe this from a guy who says he is a jeans and t-shirt guy, he said he bought new clothes to make me see him different , he hasn't mentioned what I am surpose to do about the bills . He seems to think that he can change whats on the outside new hair do, new clothes ,new friends,and that is surpose to change what he has done and make me fall in love with him again whats this all about? Is it a desperate attempt to change my mind about him ? why does he think I am that shallow I have never asked him to change his looks ,only how he treated me. He also said that he wanted to thank me for opening his eyes he says he will never treat anyone that way again and if I don't want him he will treat the next women so much better because i have educated him on just what not to do . I feel like I am going crazy I don't know what to believe or what to feel Help please !

[Quandary]

I was in a similar position. I broke up with my BF of 4 years and moved on with my life. About 3 months later he came crawling back to me begging telling me how much he has changed and he sat and wondered how he could let such a great thing get away from him. I bought it, I am the type to give people the benefit of the doubt. And things were moving along fine for months and months everything he said stuck. Then there was the ultimate stab in the back.

 

But it's your choice, you will never know unless you try. You have to be willing to have your heart broken. If you are not then you may have let a good thing pass you by. Who knows, maybe the distance between you guys was enough to make him realize his own actions and how he hurt you in the past.

 

I would say take it slow don't jump back in to the way things were, start all over as if you jsut met him. But you have to be willing to put the past behind you! And take a chance. If you don't you will live in the what if.