lokai Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 Woah. Why are you so upset that your husband looks at porn? You mentioned that, in the past, the porn was linked to problematic behavior with him, but not so this time. What in the world gives you the funny idea that you can make your husband promise not to view porn again? You have absolutely no right to ask that of him, I think. Also, if he did borrow those tapes, or rent them, tearing the cassettes up was not a very nice thing to do. I don't think that looking at porn causes problems. I think that people find porn too easy to blame, rather than facing the real problems in relationships. I don't understand how some women appear to think that they "own" their spouses and can forbid them from ever looking at anything sexually arousing. If anything, that type of attitude is the source of the problem, or at the very least can cause more problems in the future. Have you sought counselling for your problem? I am not talking about your "husband's problem". I think the issue goes a bit deeper here. Maybe you have some feelings about sex, or trust issues, that you need to have worked out? I really don't know, but your views on this topic seem, to me, a bit irrational. I don't know the full story, and I don't think that I could fully grasp what is really going on unless I sat down with both yourself and your husband, to hear all sides of this. Whatever is going on, I think it should be looked into. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 Well, like I said you two need marriage counseling. He needs to go to realize how much this is effecting you and the relationship. Thing is, by eliminating the porn it's not going to stop with his sarastic comments. You want him to stop these comments on his own, not by you eliminating whatever you think might be contributing to it. He also needs to realize this is the reason why you don't like him looking at porn. Not because you are jealous, but that you are being compared to. Alot of men, including myself look at porn and would never compare those chicks to their gfs or wives. And even if we did, we would never say anything to our mate about it. Has he directly told you, he wished that you would look like them? When saying stuff like 'Don't get fat' when eating a candy bar, I don't believe he is doing it to be mean. What he doesn't understand is that what he says to you, really hurts. I've been guilty of making snide jokes, especially when I was with my ex-fiancee. I thought I was being cute, she didn't. But she really never came out and told me 'Jeff, when you say those things, it hurts'. It was one of my mistakes in that relationship. You need to tell him that. That he needs to respect you more. Also, have you given him snide comments in the past like he has to you? This is also stemming from bad communication between each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 I thought you said you were so surprised that he had the tapes because he wasn't treating you the way he usually treats you when he's looking at porn. Thought you said things had been going well lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FolderWife Posted November 3, 2004 Author Share Posted November 3, 2004 Things had been going well. He started making the fat comments again, but I just chocked it up to me actually gaining weight. I was trying to not be paranoid. However, there've been a couple of instances that I've wondered about it. The other night, he went to bed with me, but then thirty minutes later, when he thought I was asleep, he got up, went down stairs, and the next day I found him watching TV on the futon downstairs. I figured he just wasn't sleepy yet, since he'd had a nap earlier, and decided to watch some TV, and fell asleep while watching it. Also, the other night at about 2 a.m., he woke up coughing, and then went downstairs to sleep on the futon again. I figured that he got woke up good caughing, and wanted to not disturb me. I put it out of my mind. I posted a thread not to long ago, "Probably porn again," Wherin i said I picked up a tape off the VCR, and hubby flipped out. Then soon after, he came and said he was going to visit his uncle...ironically, the same uncle he borrowed the porn from. Link to post Share on other sites
Spartyon Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 Women view porn diffently than men do. If she feel like the porn is taking place of her than it will make her feel insecure. On top of that he is lying to her. Myself - I love porn and would be embarassed if my boyfriend found it on our computer. But if it bothered him I would stop. I love porn because it is a fantasy - not because it takes the place of my man. We have mind blowing sex but sometimes I want something a little different - a little dirty;) My point is is that the underlying issues is what I would worry about. If this man has lied to you and replaces you with porn and made you feel you cannot trust him - go see someone! Life is too short to live like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 If this man has lied to you and replaces you with porn and made you feel you cannot trust him - go see someone! Do you mean a councelor? Link to post Share on other sites
Spartyon Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 yeah - I would say it is time to see a shrink on this one. So many negative things are happening to this couple and it sounds like it just keeps getting worse! Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 I'm done on this topic. It has become a revolving door. Neither of them want to see a counselor, yet we hear the same thing over and over again. Talking on here is fine, but it's not going to solve your problem unless you take our advice. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 monday, your problem is not porn. your problem is that your husband is an ass. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 5, 2004 Share Posted November 5, 2004 Originally posted by hotgurl monday, your problem is not porn. your problem is that your husband is an ass. That about sums it up. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted November 6, 2004 Share Posted November 6, 2004 I have no idea how your husband puts up with this. And you know, as mean as that might sound, I wanted to say it because it made me think: Your husband must REALLY love you to put up with this! Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted November 7, 2004 Share Posted November 7, 2004 I'm one of those that has a hard time feeling sorry for Monday, also. I am sorry to see you hurt, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But I see a lot of immaturity that shouldn't be there AND I see you making ALL the rules your relationship. You hate porn and your husband looking at other women and getting turned on. You linked a picture on a thread about fake boobs that showed a very ample amount of YOUR cleavage, perhaps some of the men on this forum were "turned on".....what about their wives??? Then you posted about flirting with some guy at a party and really wanting him (I'm not saying I'm better than you and haven't done anything wrong in my life) but didn't participate because "you were married".... You would have had 7,000 threads on here if you'd found out your husband had done something similar. You make him sound like such a jerk and that you are the only one in the relationship that is doing the right thing, I think you need to take a look at yourself too. Yes, if porn is keeping him from treating you well and taking care of your needs, he's evil and not worthy of you. This go around with porn, he did lie BUT he was treating you well and going into sexual marathons BUT all you could focus on was that he lied. Seems to me you have to either make peace with the porn (as long as it doesn't get in the way) and stop snooping and setting traps so that way you don't know and he doesn't have to lie. I think you don't realize it but you are maybe addicted to the drama that porn brings to your marriage. Things were good between y'all and now you've turned it into the betrayal of the century. If you wanted things to straighten out, there wouldn't be all these threads about you and porn. Plus, someone posted y'all had children? Is that correct? I've NEVER heard you mention only one child and that was your husband.. Think what you are in his eyes, a prison guard, a mother to him, a whiner and a nag. Maybe it's not the boobs he wants to see as much as the fact the boobs don't TALK!! Truly take a look at yourself and your marriage. Forget the drama and such and look at what is good. You have married this man and you need to decide if you are going to accept this part of him that may be a part of him the rest of your lives. I hope you didn't marry him thinking you'd change him. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
netrie Posted November 7, 2004 Share Posted November 7, 2004 Originally posted by Monday Well, I'm back...again ...Much to my shock and horror, I found two tapes..one titled, "Sluts and Butts," and one titled, "Ready and willing". I didn't know what to do. I wasn't angry, just shocked. I tore the tape out of the cassetts. Monday: Your husband is addicted to porn. But what is going on here is that YOU are the one bothered, not him. The best thing for you to do since you are in so much pain is to go get some therapy. Go and talk to a therapist and get some insight and find out what is best for you right now... You cannot control him and it doesnt help to try to hurt him either and it will not work. I think you love him so much and I feel your pain too, but you need to go and get some help. If he will not go with you later to get some help to "clear things" with the marriage and porn and see how much it hurts you---you still need to work on your own life. Be strong and do the right thing for yourself. It may help him too. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted November 7, 2004 Share Posted November 7, 2004 Monday - Welcome to the club of codependents. I understand how you feel but you're as much a part of the problem as he is. I suggest both of you read the following book (or other books that deal with this issue) Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick J. Carnes You can find information online regarding the codependents role in porn/sex addictions. It's bittersweet when you read the information, but if you honestly want to get past all of this you need to read it. Link to post Share on other sites
netrie Posted November 7, 2004 Share Posted November 7, 2004 Another excellent book I just finished by Patrick J. Carnes is called The Betrayal Bond. I am using it for a class paper presentation. Link to post Share on other sites
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