GiveAndTake Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 I think that you both have 2 different views. These are character flaws that you both have to each other. If you cannot be married to someone that likes porn, then you shouldn't be. If you can overlook your own views for his, then stay and accept it. Even if he doesn't do it, he WANTS to do it. Either you can accept him for who he is or not. Putting demands on another adult is wrong. Asking another adult to consider your views is reasonable. If they can't or won't, then you decide where to go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 I am still *not* getting why asking your SO not to look at porn -if porn really bothers you or has caused problems in your relationship - should be unreasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 What about the love and security of not doing something that hurts me. AND LYING ABOUT IT. Why does it hurt you? If he's treating you the way you want to be treated, why does it hurt you? My husband and I came to an agreement for our porn issue: He will: Look at whatever porn he wants Won't masturbate Initiate sex 1-2x a week Try new things Give me attention when I ask for it Won't turn me down for sex (without a reasonable excuse) I will: Not worry about him looking at porn Not check his computer to see if he's looking at porn Not set up little tests to see if he's lying to me Initiate sex 1-2 a week Talk to him when I'm upset Bring up what he did that hurt me over the past four years If you want it to work you'll find a way to make it work. Crucifying each other over the past is going to destroy your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FolderWife Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by Moose It still doesn't validate her throwing away his property. I wouldn't throw out Mrs. Moose's vibrator if I thought she preferred it to me. I'd figure out what the problem was and fix it. Then she can choose whether or not she wants to keep it around. I've TRIED that. You know what he said? He said, "We only have sex when you want to!" So what did I do? I started having sex whenever he wanted. He then took it one step further. I wasn't doing what he wanted. So now, sex consists of me going down on him until he's ready for me to get on top. Then, he finshes whether I finish or not. Oh well, at least now I'm satisfied. Then I find porn AGAIN! He said it's because he loved big boobs, and I don't have big boobs. Well, my implants were scheduled for 5 months away, so I could deal with it. So now I have big boobs. And he said I'm all he needs. Why look at porn, when he has his own set of boobs. Then I find where he looked at a Playboy. His excuse? " I wanted to see if they looked as good as yours... " Puhlease. Then, I ask if he still needs to look at it...is there anything else. "NOPE!" he says, "YOU'RE ALL I NEED." And now this. What am I supposed to do but get angry? He won't tell me the real reason he needs it. He won't go to councelling with me. He won't try!!! I mean, his excuses for looking at it before were that something was wrong with me, and it was my fault. Why should I assume that this time it's different?? Link to post Share on other sites
GiveAndTake Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 All I can say is....OMG Link to post Share on other sites
Author FolderWife Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 Before I get crucified for having plastic surgery so my husband won't look at porn....let me clarify... I had little boobies. I always wore padded bras. I never considered plastic surgery because of the cost. Then, I started doing research, and found out that it was affordible. So I discussed it with hubby, and he said to get them if I wanted them. So I set up an appointment. THEN I found porn, and his excuse was he liked big boobs, and since I didn't have big boobs, he wanted to look at others'. So I dealt with it, but I said after my surgery, he has no excuse. So now, he just says he hasn't looked at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Rowr Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 In other words, he's meeting your needs, half the time you're thrilled with the way he treats you and posting here about how great your marriage is (I know this is true because I've read your posts before), but as soon as you find porn he's a lousy, selfish husband who doesn't do anything to help you? Make up your mind. He's NOT going to stop looking at porn, and you need to stop asking him to. If he's still there for you, then let him have that. It's NOT a big deal. A LOT of people look at porn and have normal, healthy relationships. If he's such a lousy husband, then please divorce him and let him have his porn and support himself, and then either work on your porn/insecurity issues or find someone who really hates porn (there are men out there like that, because they find it disgusting). Manipulating him is only hurting your marriage. If he's SO horrible then LEAVE. He is NOT going to stop. Either that or get over it. All things being equal, porn is NOT an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Hey Monday, sorry you're going through this again. I can see why you are so frustrated. He made a promise and broke it. Give him an ultimatum. He is addicted to porn, clearly. You want a man that is not. There *are* men out there that are not! You deserve to be treated better. He's betrayed you and he is a liar. He is a porn addict. He's getting the best of you. Tell him you're leavinge his sorry a$$, that he can try to sleep with his nasty porn tapes. Tell him his porn tapes can clean up after him, cook him supper, do his laundry, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by Monday I've TRIED that. You know what he said? He said, "We only have sex when you want to!" So what did I do? I started having sex whenever he wanted. He then took it one step further. I wasn't doing what he wanted. So now, sex consists of me going down on him until he's ready for me to get on top. Then, he finshes whether I finish or not. Oh well, at least now I'm satisfied. Then I find porn AGAIN! He said it's because he loved big boobs, and I don't have big boobs. Well, my implants were scheduled for 5 months away, so I could deal with it. So now I have big boobs. And he said I'm all he needs. Why look at porn, when he has his own set of boobs. Then I find where he looked at a Playboy. His excuse? " I wanted to see if they looked as good as yours... " Puhlease. Then, I ask if he still needs to look at it...is there anything else. "NOPE!" he says, "YOU'RE ALL I NEED." And now this. What am I supposed to do but get angry? He won't tell me the real reason he needs it. He won't go to councelling with me. He won't try!!! I mean, his excuses for looking at it before were that something was wrong with me, and it was my fault. Why should I assume that this time it's different?? Think of it this way: You two have developed a pattern of interacting over the past x years. This won't and can't just change magically. That's why people go to marriage counseling, and why marriage counselling is successful in perhaps 50% of the relationships. This pattern of interacting involves his actions and your reactions, and vice versa. You are both involved in this dance, it's not just him or just you. You are both making choices when you interact that are contributing to the dysfunction. The way to help an addict to be honest, accepting, and nonjudgemental. Otherwise they will lie to you over and over again. lying is a defense mechanism, for the most part...unless he has a personality disorder (which would affect all relationships in his life), it's not a malicious act. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Monday, Whatever his reasoning is for looking at porn, it is something that he does. Wether a habit, addiction, or any other reason, it's a falicy in your husband. You need to just accept it. Don't manipulate him into promises you and your husband knows he can't keep. So what if he looks at porn. I don't think this is what you're so upset about. It's more about the broken promise. All I can say is to steer away from cornering him into something that's impossible for him to do. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 I agree that you have to do something, like it or leave it because it's making you miserable. You know what I say, porn's not acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 The next time you find porn, leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Hi Monday, I think that if your husband wanted to view porn again, he should have been a man and told you- not concealed it. I think that people don't understand how severe his addiction was, and that you had outside help, and that the agreement was no more porn. If you found a fifth of whiskey in an alcoholic's safe, would you be so forgiving? In a way its the same thing- some people think porn in moderation is ok, some don't. Some people think alcohol in moderation is ok, and some don't. But either way, when a person has a problem and its negatively effecting a relationship, they receive counseling and make an agreement, they should stick to it. There really are men who don't want to view porn. Sounds to me like he is addicted, and if it were drugs or alcohol people would be more understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Well put savethedrama4yrmama! Ditto! Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Sounds to me like he is addicted, and if it were drugs or alcohol people would be more understanding. What do you expect? We're just a bunch of sluts, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Pocky, are you being sarcastic, or mixing me up with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by Pocky What do you expect? We're just a bunch of sluts, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 And us men are just horn dogs!, ( Wondering what pocky looks like with just her glasses on.....) Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Monday - My husband once said, that any woman who spreads her legs for a man that isn't her husband is a slut. And us men are just horn dogs!, ( Wondering what pocky looks like with just her glasses on.....) Mreow! I knew we had some things in common, Moosey...I could feel it Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by Monday Well I hope he does I'd like to see ANY woman who'd put up with the sh*t that he'd dealt me. I don't ask for much. I don't ask for ANYTHING. He gets everything he wants, he gets to rule the castle, he gets to drive the good vehicles, and lay back while I do all the work that goes into purchasing these things he wants, and the ONLY thing I ask is that he not look at porn, so he PROMISES not to, and then does what he wants any way. I do not demand that he look at porn. He can do whatever he wants. It breaks my heart that he does though, so I ask him not to, and he says that he won't. So what am I to do but get upset that he lied? I didn't do anything. I'd love to put a camera in my house for one week, and then you'd see why I don't think my request is unreasonable. No I'm not. You're self righteous. All bow down to your perfection. In your opinion. But I forgot....you're perfect. No he doesn't. Not if he promises me he's not going to! What about the emotional attention that I need? What about the love and security of not doing something that hurts me. AND LYING ABOUT IT. I guess lyings ok, as long as you are lying to someone who is making IMPOSSIBLE demands on you, like asking you to not look at porn Good thing? Are you KIDDING!?!? How is a relationship wherein you are constantly being LIED to a good thing??? No it's NOT. I was mistreated and ignored when he looked at porn before. So sue me for being afraid that if he lets himself get sucked in again that I'll be put through that hell again. I assume you have a degree in psychology? Yes I get tired of this. And why should I be the one to change? I feel like I'm the only one giving in this relationship. I'm not the one lying. If he is such a coward that he leaves me, because he can't deal with me being upset about him lying to me, then good ridance. My insecurity is not the problem here. It's the fact that he's a liar, and he's too much of a coward to discuss this with me. Maybe if I understood him? But no, I'm not worth discussing this with. He doesn't OWE me an explaination, even though I'm his wife. I'm not worth going to councelling to work this out. I'm expected to go to the shrink. I'm expected to get over it. WELL I TRIED THAT, AND IT DIDN'T WORK! Let him try from now one Self rightous? haha.. I had to laugh, because my wife says the same thing when she knows I've cornered her in an argument. You are being stubborn and looking at this from one angle. I don't know what you expected us to say. You know we aren't going to be your cheerleader in this discussion. And I am FAR from perfect I've made lots of mistakes and probably will make quite a few in the future. It's about learning from those mistakes which is what is important. And no I don't have a degree in psychology, but have taken alot of classes, along with alot of reading and also personal experience. What about the emotional attention that I need? What about the love and security of not doing something that hurts me. AND LYING ABOUT IT. I guess lyings ok, as long as you are lying to someone who is making IMPOSSIBLE demands on you, like asking you to not look at porn You are combining emotional attention to his porn viewing. These things ARE seperate. If he were to completely stop looking at porn I would doubt you would see an increase in emotional attention. By seperating these issues you'll see that porn doesn't have to 'hurt' you. He lies about it because he is trying to protect your feelings. You are making him feel abnormal in wanting to view porn. What he is doing as long as it's not excessive IS normal. Good thing? Are you KIDDING!?!? How is a relationship wherein you are constantly being LIED to a good thing??? No it's NOT. I was mistreated and ignored when he looked at porn before. So sue me for being afraid that if he lets himself get sucked in again that I'll be put through that hell again So what else is he lying about, other than the porn? Again, you are relating that porn is the reason why you were being neglected. I can understand why you might feel so bitter. But, we are here to tell you that he could look at porn and still give you the attention you need. It's his lack of giving you attention overall that is upsetting you. My insecurity is not the problem here. It's the fact that he's a liar, and he's too much of a coward to discuss this with me. Maybe if I understood him? But no, I'm not worth discussing this with. He doesn't OWE me an explaination, even though I'm his wife. I'm not worth going to councelling to work this out. Discuss it with you? There is no discussion. You made it simply clear that he's a SOB for watching these videos. You probably wouldn't even give him the chance to talk about it without blowing up in his face. Why would he even try to talk to you about such an issue when he knows he's just going to be yelled at, belittled and punished like a little kid? You need to go to counseling for yourself. Stop being co-dependant on his love and your need to control his behavior. He needs to go to realize that he's not giving you all the attention you need. These are the reasons why you both need to go. If you don't, this marriage is not going to last. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 You are combining emotional attention to his porn viewing. These things ARE seperate. If he were to completely stop looking at porn I would doubt you would see an increase in emotional attention. By seperating these issues you'll see that porn doesn't have to 'hurt' you. He lies about it because he is trying to protect your feelings. You are making him feel abnormal in wanting to view porn. What he is doing as long as it's not excessive IS normal. Does that make it alright? What if he cheated and lied to protect her feelings? Or lied to cover an alcohol, drug, or gambling addiction to spare her feelings? Lying is JUST NOT OK. That is what would piss me off about it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 You are combining emotional attention to his porn viewing. These things ARE seperate. If he were to completely stop looking at porn I would doubt you would see an increase in emotional attention. By seperating these issues you'll see that porn doesn't have to 'hurt' you. He lies about it because he is trying to protect your feelings. You are making him feel abnormal in wanting to view porn. What he is doing as long as it's not excessive IS normal. J you nailed it RIGHT THERE!!! The only thing is what he has been doing is excessive and has impacted the marriage. Past posts have explained how he has changed because of the porn watching. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama You are combining emotional attention to his porn viewing. These things ARE seperate. If he were to completely stop looking at porn I would doubt you would see an increase in emotional attention. By seperating these issues you'll see that porn doesn't have to 'hurt' you. He lies about it because he is trying to protect your feelings. You are making him feel abnormal in wanting to view porn. What he is doing as long as it's not excessive IS normal. Does that make it alright? What if he cheated and lied to protect her feelings? Or lied to cover an alcohol, drug, or gambling addiction to spare her feelings? Lying is JUST NOT OK. That is what would piss me off about it. He's lying because she has set him up. By making him feel like a complete loser for viewing these videos and basically giving him no alternative then to say 'I'll stop looking at porn', he has no other option but to conceal it. Now that he's caught viewing it, he get reprimanded by this as well. So not only is he a complete waste of time & space and does nothing but degrade her by viewing this stuff, he's also a liar. I'm surprised this guy is still with her, IMO. It's not OK to lie, but when you create an environment that is hostile you leave him no other choice but to say things just to please her. That's not right. Monday don't you also see that by getting your implants you were competiting with the women he was viewing in those magazines and videos? Yet, even after you got the operation he still looks at them. You feel defeated, like they are better than you. Stop competiting already! You are showing resentment towards him maybe because you feel this way. You are putting your self-worth into his porn viewing. That needs to stop, you are hurting yourself quite a bit by doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FolderWife Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 Monday - My husband once said, that any woman who spreads her legs for a man that isn't her husband is a slut. Hey! I didn say it, he did Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Monday, where are you?! Link to post Share on other sites
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