Moose Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Sorry to get off topic here but: Mreow! I knew we had some things in common, Moosey...I could feel it I thought it was just me!!! Totally, some hot vibes going on here.......ehhhhum.... Yes, I think the whole issue is the constant lying from the husband and the constant manipulation of the wife. he wouldn't be lying if he wasn't manipulated into a corner making impossible promises. Cut the manipulation out of the picture and I think things would clear up a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
SadAndLonely Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama If you found a fifth of whiskey in an alcoholic's safe, would you be so forgiving? In a way its the same thing- some people think porn in moderation is ok, some don't. Some people think alcohol in moderation is ok, and some don't. Which is it? An alcoholic or someone who drinks in moderation? Because there's a difference. If Monday hadn't found the porn locked away, she never would have known about it. It's hard to say someone is "addicted" to something when they never seem to be engaging in it. She said herself her sex life wasn't suffering. If she hates porn so much then she needs to leave him. It's that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by Monday Hey! I didn say it, he did Viewing porn and sleeping with other people are two different things. He is not cheating on you. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel He's lying because she has set him up. By making him feel like a complete loser for viewing these videos and basically giving him no alternative then to say 'I'll stop looking at porn', he has no other option but to conceal it. Now that he's caught viewing it, he get reprimanded by this as well. So not only is he a complete waste of time & space and does nothing but degrade her by viewing this stuff, he's also a liar. I'm surprised this guy is still with her, IMO. It's not OK to lie, but when you create an environment that is hostile you leave him no other choice but to say things just to please her. That's not right. I fail to see how she set him up. He agreed not to view porn becuase it was interfering with their sex life. She found porn tapes while taking care of household bills. He doesn't need to say things just to please her. He needs to do what he has promised. If he couldn't do without porn, he should have said so and left the marriage. He should take responsibility for his addiction or preference, whichever it is, and be an adult. Sadandlonely- she has described him before as an "addict". Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 You haven't read the 20 other posts that Monday put on here regarding the same situation. She has set him up a number of times regarding the porn. This has been a ongoing thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 If she hates porn so much then she needs to leave him. It's that simple. It's no wonder that your username is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Don't inform me of what I have or have not read. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FolderWife Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel Self rightous? haha.. I had to laugh, because my wife says the same thing when she knows I've cornered her in an argument. You are being stubborn and looking at this from one angle. I don't know what you expected us to say. You know we aren't going to be your cheerleader in this discussion. All of these posts are making me wonder if I am like my mother; one sided...my way is right, your way is wrong...something I'm thinking about now. Now, if your wife says you are self rightous, and I say you are self rightous, maybe your approach to an argument is a little...know-it-allish? Discuss it with you? There is no discussion. You made it simply clear that he's a SOB for watching these videos. I did not.....He's an SOB for lying to me again though. You probably wouldn't even give him the chance to talk about it without blowing up in his face. Why would he even try to talk to you about such an issue when he knows he's just going to be yelled at, belittled and punished like a little kid? I do NOT discuss like this at ALL. I will calmly ask him a question, "Why did you watch this?" and he will ignore me. I will ask him a question, "Why did you feel that you needed this?" and he will tell me I'm pushing him. I will ask him a question, "Did I do something wrong?" and he will throw something. I will ask him a question, "Why are you getting upset? I just want to understand?" and he'll figure out a way to blame the problem on me. On occasion, I'll venture out there, and use a put down remark in with my question, like, "Did you watch this because you're selfish, or because you don't give a crap about me?" and that'll promt him to at least SAY something. But usually, after he's ignored me, and thrown something, I get frustrated by his lack of response, like my pain isn't worth his acknowledging, and I might say, "What's the matter!? Am I not enough for you!?!? Why won't you talk to me!? Why do you break your promises!?!? Why do you lie to me!?!?" But I usually don't, because then something else will get broken Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Monday, i can't figure out how to quote but earlier in the post you said you do everything and he does nothing. You give up your sexual satisfaction for him. He drives the good cars. You do all the house work. I think this is more of a problem in your marriage. He is a taker because you are a giver. Your are resentful of him because you do all the work and you are using porn as a scape goat as just another example of his selfishness. i not sure why porn became such much more of a big deal than the other things. Maybe because it's more tangible. But it's not your real problem. The give/take dicodomy is off and how you react is hostile and not conductive to working anything out. If you are real unhappy and he won't go to counseling leave. Leave or you'll be here every three months or so complaining about out this Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by Monday I do NOT discuss like this at ALL. I will calmly ask him a question, "Why did you watch this?" and he will ignore me. I will ask him a question, "Why did you feel that you needed this?" and he will tell me I'm pushing him. I will ask him a question, "Did I do something wrong?" and he will throw something. I will ask him a question, "Why are you getting upset? I just want to understand?" and he'll figure out a way to blame the problem on me. On occasion, I'll venture out there, and use a put down remark in with my question, like, "Did you watch this because you're selfish, or because you don't give a crap about me?" and that'll promt him to at least SAY something. But usually, after he's ignored me, and thrown something, I get frustrated by his lack of response, like my pain isn't worth his acknowledging, and I might say, "What's the matter!? Am I not enough for you!?!? Why won't you talk to me!? Why do you break your promises!?!? Why do you lie to me!?!?" But I usually don't, because then something else will get broken OK. Obviously the way you talk to him is either ineffective, or he simply will not communicate. If he won't communicate, you have no relationship. The types of interactions you describe indicate that he is either mentally retarded or has some kind of psychological disorder which causes him to act like a 5 year old when adults try to discuss anything. Throwing things? My god, woman. You still attempt a rational discussion after he throws something? Why? This is the image I get in my mind. A calm, rational woman and an emotionally retarded man. If he really behaves how you indicate, what point is there is trying anything with him? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Yep, I come off as strong and sometimes self-rightous. But that's just me. I give my opinion and you are free to take it or not. All of these posts are making me wonder if I am like my mother; one sided...my way is right, your way is wrong...something I'm thinking about now. Please keep thinking about this. There are ways to adjust this so that you don't give up your opinions but yet also respect others. did not.....He's an SOB for lying to me again though I told you why he is lying to you. It's the situation that you put him in. He has no choice. I do NOT discuss like this at ALL. I will calmly ask him a question, "Why did you watch this?" and he will ignore me. I will ask him a question, "Why did you feel that you needed this?" and he will tell me I'm pushing him. I will ask him a question, "Did I do something wrong?" and he will throw something. I will ask him a question, "Why are you getting upset? I just want to understand?" and he'll figure out a way to blame the problem on me. 'Why did you watch this' or 'Why did you feel that you needed this'? That sounds like what a parent would say to a child. Please, start treating him like he's your husband, not your son. And you ARE pushing him. Listen to what he says! Also stop blaming yourself. You didn't do anything wrong for him to wanting to watch porn. Majority of men watch porn. None of those wives have done anything wrong either. When my wife watches it, I know I didn't do anything wrong. Again you are associating porn with his lack of affection for you and also putting your self-worth on the line when he does view it. Also, by putting in those 'nasty comments' every now and then, cause great harm to the relationship. He doesn't know how to communicate with you on this issue, so he lets his anger out & throws something. That isn't right. You two need to build up a better way of communicating not just this issue, but others that I can guess you are having. Please call your local hospital and find a good licensed marriage counselor. For your sake having a female one would better suit you. So you know if any advice is given that you don't agree with you just won't thumb your nose at it because 'he's just another man'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FolderWife Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel You haven't read the 20 other posts that Monday put on here regarding the same situation. She has set him up a number of times regarding the porn. This has been a ongoing thing. What is all this set him up junk? How've I set him up? I've never set him up? Quote what you've read, and I'll tell you what I meant by it, because you must be misreading something, or I must've done something that I've forgotten. I've never set him up. I don't leave porn tapes around, waiting for him to find them. I don't hide magazines so he can look at them and get caught. I've found a porn tape in the VCR, then called the cable company to see if he's ordered pay per view, to which I found he'd ordered 9!!!!! Then I picked up the mail while I was with him, and the playboy magazine was in it, still sealed, and I figured that since it was sealed, he wouldn't look at it, but he opened it and looked at it any way....which I didn't set him up for that..I just trusted him that time. Then there's the recent where I wasn't looking or suspecting porn, and stumbled across it while paying a bill. Always before that, I told him that I could see everything he saw online, but that I didn't care if he looked at porn. Then, he was looking for hours every day, and not having sex with me. When did I set him up? What are you reading? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Here's something I posted in another thread....maybe this will help next time you want to talk to him about it: "Discussion Ball" 1. Set up a day, totally dedicated to discussion time with your significant other. a. Make it during the day. b. Try to have children, if any, at the sitters and out of ear shot. c. Have lunch planned ahead of time, delivered if possible. 2. Find a ball, stuffed toy, pillow, or anything soft that won't cause damage if thrown. This will be your, "Discussion ball". 3. Flip a coin to decide who goes first. a. For first timers, whoever initiates the discussion goes first. b. Plan for monthly, bi-monthly, or quarterly, "Discussion ball", discussions. 4. Whoever goes first, holds the, "Discussion Ball" and therefore holds the table. a. The other person is not allowed to say anything. b. The other person is not allowed to interrupt. c. The other person is not allowed to grunt, clear throat, or correct the holder of the, "Discussion Ball". 5. Once the, "Discussion Ball", holder is finished making their point, the ball is passed to the other person. a. Responses are allowed a 2 minute rebuttal. (Keep a timer) b. After rebuttal, responder can bring up a new issue. 6. Repeat until both parties feel satisfied with the, "Discussion Ball", discussion. a. Take breaks when neccessary to avoid stress and comments made out of anger. b. Never allow, "Discussion Ball", discussion go into the evening hours. c. Each participant is to keep a notebook to write down areas of improvement suggested by their significant other. 7. Part from each other for at least 2 hours for personal reflection. a. Keep your notebook with you to write down your thoughts. b. Write down foreseen problems you may encounter in your area of improvement. c. Make a plan to knock down obsticales in your way of accomplishing area of improvement. 8. Do something unexpected and kind for your significant other. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 And your telling me everything between you two was great before he started looking at porn? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Moose, I like your idea. Grenades work best. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel And your telling me everything between you two was great before he started looking at porn? That is a low blow! Like your relationship is perfect? Like mine is? Come on. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Let's not forget that Monday came here for some understanding and support. Why some are jumping at her and attacking her is beyond me! She has feelings and obviously reaching out for some help here! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FolderWife Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel And your telling me everything between you two was great before he started looking at porn? What!? What did I say to make you think that I said that? After that comment plus the ones about how I'm setting him up, I'm wondering if you have me confused with someone else Link to post Share on other sites
GiveAndTake Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 I think everyone is trying to help her. That doesn't mean we all have to agree. If I came on here and asked for help on how to screw someone over or how to expand on my manipulating ways, you won't all agree to tell me what I want to hear. If you mean help by agreeing with her, that won't help anyone. Giving her other points of view, will help. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 I'll be supportive of you Monday, but only if you lose him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FolderWife Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 OmG! I would be so excited to do this If only I could get him to cooperate He didn't have much in the way of a family growing up...so I attribute his inability to communicate with his lack of parenting. I don't think he knows how to have a conversation. When he's talking to other people, he will sit and agree with everything they say. For instance, he was talking about the election with someone, and they said something about Kerry, and he said something to insinuate that he didn't like Kerry, then the person he was talking to said something about Kerry being great, and my husband flip flopped completely and agreed with them. Insecurity maybe? Dunno. With me, he doesn't know how to discuss things. I'm going to assume because he doesn't know why he does things, or feels a certain way. He can be very irrational at times. If he would say, "I can't stand you!" and I'd start crying, I'd know that I was crying, because what he said hurt me, because I love him, and it hurts that the person I love doesn't want me around. Now, if the roles were reversed, and I said, "I can't stand you!" He would get angry. He would say that he got angry because I said I couldn't stand him. He wouldn't be able to say that he got angry because he felt hurt, because he loves me and I don't want him around, and that hurts, so out of fear of being hurt he got angry, bla bla bla....he blames his anger on me, and doesn't take the time to understand his feelings. My mom and I discussed lots of things. I feel like I can usually understand why I react a certain way. He doesn't have a clue. He'll pass the blame, rather than try to figure out why he's treating me a certain way. WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO EITHER PUSH IT OUT OF MY MIND AND PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, OR GUESS WHY HE ACTED THAT WAY. So I end up guessing Originally posted by Moose Here's something I posted in another thread....maybe this will help next time you want to talk to him about it: "Discussion Ball" 1. Set up a day, totally dedicated to discussion time with your significant other. a. Make it during the day. b. Try to have children, if any, at the sitters and out of ear shot. c. Have lunch planned ahead of time, delivered if possible. 2. Find a ball, stuffed toy, pillow, or anything soft that won't cause damage if thrown. This will be your, "Discussion ball". 3. Flip a coin to decide who goes first. a. For first timers, whoever initiates the discussion goes first. b. Plan for monthly, bi-monthly, or quarterly, "Discussion ball", discussions. 4. Whoever goes first, holds the, "Discussion Ball" and therefore holds the table. a. The other person is not allowed to say anything. b. The other person is not allowed to interrupt. c. The other person is not allowed to grunt, clear throat, or correct the holder of the, "Discussion Ball". 5. Once the, "Discussion Ball", holder is finished making their point, the ball is passed to the other person. a. Responses are allowed a 2 minute rebuttal. (Keep a timer) b. After rebuttal, responder can bring up a new issue. 6. Repeat until both parties feel satisfied with the, "Discussion Ball", discussion. a. Take breaks when neccessary to avoid stress and comments made out of anger. b. Never allow, "Discussion Ball", discussion go into the evening hours. c. Each participant is to keep a notebook to write down areas of improvement suggested by their significant other. 7. Part from each other for at least 2 hours for personal reflection. a. Keep your notebook with you to write down your thoughts. b. Write down foreseen problems you may encounter in your area of improvement. c. Make a plan to knock down obsticales in your way of accomplishing area of improvement. 8. Do something unexpected and kind for your significant other. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Tiki I think you and I are soulmates Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Monday, Give him a try....let him see the rules and see what he says about it. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I love your llama arse too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FolderWife Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 He'll just make fun of me, Moose Link to post Share on other sites
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