I Hate My Sister

[brains and brawn]

First my sister suffers from depression and she takes pills for the rest of her life. She is taking advance of my Dad. She asks my dad for money like almost every other day, she is super lazy and does not clean the house. she has NOT been working for like 3 years, she gets her disability check every month. She is always walking around barefoot in the house, she has 2 kids, one lives in another state but he is an adult and she lives with her daughter which is my niece with me and my dad so its 4 of us in a house here in Miami, FL. She is in her late 40's, i hate her because she does not act like a regular woman that cleans and acts normal, all she does all day is eat and sleep. Ok so this is where it gets worse, when i confront my dad about her always asking him for money he says "its my money what do u care" meaning he defends her, i dont know if he feels sorry for her with her depression problem or what. But here is the thing since she is not my daughter i can see outside the box and see that she is taking advantage of my dad and keep in mind that this has been going on for years, i just started noticing this the last 5 years. My dad is handicap (eye problems) and is 76 yrs old, I have reached out to her son, my other sister and i even told one of my older nieces, my other sister and her son did nothing and my niece gave some good advice but i want to here from strangers, am i wrong or right? there are much more details but this is the main issue

 

any advice? i plan to move cause i cant take it anymore...

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Its not your house or money.

 

Bad as it may seem, it is none of your business. I had to learn to disengage with my mother coddling my brother. Better for you if you just focus on you and let it be.

[brains and brawn]

Its not your house or money.

 

Bad as it may seem, it is none of your business. I had to learn to disengage with my mother coddling my brother. Better for you if you just focus on you and let it be.

 

yeah but if you see somebody attacking your dad wouldnt you defend him? this is the same thing, i looked it up on the internet and its called "family elderly abuse" some of the advice that my niece told me is to not have that much hate and take that energy and focus on my self, thats why im moving back to NY

[KathyM]

It's only elder abuse if she is taking the money against your father's will, or without his knowledge, or pressuring him in some way. If he is giving it to her of his own free will and he is not mentally incapacitated, then that is not elder abuse. It sounds like he is financially supporting her because of her depression. The only thing you can do is to encourage your sister to get counseling for her depression, and encourage her to get her life on track. Or better yet, all of you should go for family counseling to work out whatever issues you have as a family. It's not likely you are going to convince your father to stop helping her. He feels obligated, and until she gets her life on track, he will probably continue to feel obligated, and there's not much you can do about that.

[brains and brawn]

yeah but she is 49 years old !!! with 2 kids what more help can my dad do, when she takes her pills she acts normal, all she does is eat and sleep all day, my dad even took custody of her daughter, and took care of her daughter since she was 9 yrs old, her daughter which is my niece is 20 yrs old now, her 2 kids work now, she should make her life with her 2 kids and leave my dad alone, she said she will move but i dont believe till i see it...once i move i will never talk to her again in my life, she is dead to me, it is totally unfair that she used my father to raise her child

[brains and brawn]

any more thoughts or advice??

[HiddenUser]

What does her walking barefoot have to do with anything? Other people are right, though. It's your dad's money and your dad's house. It's none of your business.

[CC12]

Ok so this is where it gets worse, when i confront my dad about her always asking him for money he says "its my money what do u care" meaning he defends her

 

I don't see this as him defending her, I see this as him defending himself and his own choices and financial decisions, which you have no right to question him on. I mean, sure, if you think he's being taken advantage of, you should bring it up with him, and you did. He gave you his answer. Let it go now.

 

And then maybe apologize to all the family members who you dragged into this when you told them your father's business and voiced your disapproval of it. Maybe you also owe your father and sister apologies, if you've been bratty to them over this.

 

Also, really try to consider if your feelings about this all boil down to sibling jealousy and nothing more. I've been there. My parents treat my siblings differently than they treat me. It can be difficult to deal with, and I know it seems super unfair sometimes. The solution I've come up with is to not compare myself to my siblings and to live my own life as an adult who doesn't rely on handouts from my parents. My siblings need more help than I do, and that's good, in a way. I'm one less kid that they need to worry about. I can at least say that I'm not a burden on my aging parents.

[Wolfcub]

Well, but she IS disabled. Some people don't see depression as a disability but it is. May be this may get better some day, maybe not. But at present she is disabled. That is only normal that parents want to protect their disabled child more. Probably they even expect you to do the same, certainly not to go against them and start discussions against them in the family and forums (hope they don't know of this one).

 

BTW walking barefoot is healthy.

[brains and brawn]

It's only elder abuse if she is taking the money against your father's will, or without his knowledge, or pressuring him in some way. If he is giving it to her of his own free will and he is not mentally incapacitated, then that is not elder abuse. It sounds like he is financially supporting her because of her depression. The only thing you can do is to encourage your sister to get counseling for her depression, and encourage her to get her life on track. Or better yet, all of you should go for family counseling to work out whatever issues you have as a family. It's not likely you are going to convince your father to stop helping her. He feels obligated, and until she gets her life on track, he will probably continue to feel obligated, and there's not much you can do about that.

 

when she takes her pills she acts normal, so i treat her like shes normal

[brains and brawn]

What does her walking barefoot have to do with anything? Other people are right, though. It's your dad's money and your dad's house. It's none of your business.

 

it is my dads house but i also pay for rent and internet

[brains and brawn]

Umm..if your sister is 49...I'm going to assume you are an adult as well...

 

 

So why are you still living at home? I can understand your sister, depression can be incapacitating. It can ruin your life.

 

But if you have zero disabilities why are you focusing on your sister and fathers relationship and not yourself? Are you jealous that he helps her more? She is on disability for a reason. She has a limited income and your father sees this. As you said he is 76 years old, he probably wants to know he helped his daughter as best he could.

 

You on the other hand are supposed to be a capable person. Now maybe I'm wrong and you are supporting most of the bills for the house, mortgage or rent, property taxes, electrical phone internet and house hold upkeep..if that's true then I apologize and can see why you would be upset.

 

yes im an adult and i do pay for rent and the internet in the house, i live at home cause of my dads condition, i take care of him

[brains and brawn]

I don't see this as him defending her, I see this as him defending himself and his own choices and financial decisions, which you have no right to question him on. I mean, sure, if you think he's being taken advantage of, you should bring it up with him, and you did. He gave you his answer. Let it go now.

 

And then maybe apologize to all the family members who you dragged into this when you told them your father's business and voiced your disapproval of it. Maybe you also owe your father and sister apologies, if you've been bratty to them over this.

 

Also, really try to consider if your feelings about this all boil down to sibling jealousy and nothing more. I've been there. My parents treat my siblings differently than they treat me. It can be difficult to deal with, and I know it seems super unfair sometimes. The solution I've come up with is to not compare myself to my siblings and to live my own life as an adult who doesn't rely on handouts from my parents. My siblings need more help than I do, and that's good, in a way. I'm one less kid that they need to worry about. I can at least say that I'm not a burden on my aging parents.

 

i am not jealous, thats NOT my style...i just want to protect my dad, he is everything to me, my mom passed away when i was a kid so that is why my dad is important to me.

[brains and brawn]

Well, but she IS disabled. Some people don't see depression as a disability but it is. May be this may get better some day, maybe not. But at present she is disabled. That is only normal that parents want to protect their disabled child more. Probably they even expect you to do the same, certainly not to go against them and start discussions against them in the family and forums (hope they don't know of this one).

 

BTW walking barefoot is healthy.

 

why would you say, why did i put this issue on a forum? you are not focusing on the problem at hand, you do know this is a forum where you put your family problems right??

 

BTW - her feet are always black and dirty, thats why i bought that up

[brains and brawn]

All these posts are great advice, PLEASE keep them coming...

[CC12]

All these posts are great advice, PLEASE keep them coming...

 

You spent your last five or so posts explaining how wrong everyone is, so why are you asking us for more advice?

 

You already know what you want to do, right? So just do that.

[brains and brawn]

You spent your last five or so posts explaining how wrong everyone is, so why are you asking us for more advice?

 

You already know what you want to do, right? So just do that.

 

ahh ohh, i didnt mean to project myself that way, i am sorry to everyone if that is how i sounded, i was just letting out the details about my famiy issue

[Janesays]

The other posters who have advised you have it right....it is none of your business.

[brains and brawn]

thanks jane for your advice

[bentleychic]

Its not your house or money.

 

Bad as it may seem, it is none of your business. I had to learn to disengage with my mother coddling my brother. Better for you if you just focus on you and let it be.

 

I agree. He basically told you to back off so that's what you need to do.

 

Do you have kids? Personally, I'd give my last penny to my kids if I thought they needed it.

 

Meanwhile, it sounds like if all your sister does is lay around sleeping, perhaps she needs a change in medicine. She sounds like she is still very depressed.

[CherryT]

Let me tell you about depression. I've suffered from it in the past and have had to deal with it with others. There are differences in depression: I became depressed due to circumstances in my life. I just didn't know how to deal with it. I sought help and was able to work through it with no medication. Now others, have a chemical imbalance where they suffer from depression and usually another form of mental illness like bipolar disorder. These individuals, such as your sister, are prescribed medication because their emotions and personality fluctuates drastically without them.

 

When you tell your father not to help his child, it HURTS him. Whether you think you're protecting him or not, you're only hurting him. When I told my dad that I was suffering from depression, he was in so much pain. I told him that I could work through it by seeking therapy and that I didn't need to be put on medication. When a parent sees a child in distress, they do what they can to help. Because they love them. Your sister, I'm sure, would much prefer a life where she's independent and fulfilled. Maybe she'll get to do the things that she wants to do? But she can't because she's paralyzed by her disorder right now.

 

Have some sympathy for what your sister is going through. Control what YOU can control and that's your life. You're not going to stop your father from helping his child. He would do the same for you. But you're capable and you're acting like just because she's INcapable that you should be treated the same. At the end you think what your dad is doing for her is a privilege. Once you change the way you see what your dad is doing for your unwell sister, you might actually realize just how terrible you've treated both of them.

[brains and brawn]

I agree. He basically told you to back off so that's what you need to do.

 

Do you have kids? Personally, I'd give my last penny to my kids if I thought they needed it.

 

Meanwhile, it sounds like if all your sister does is lay around sleeping, perhaps she needs a change in medicine. She sounds like she is still very depressed.

 

she acts quite normal when she maintains her pills, i dont have kids

good idea about changing her medicine

[CherryT]

she acts quite normal when she maintains her pills, i dont have kids

good idea about changing her medicine

 

Just FYI, depression meds don't turn you into a 'happy go lucky person' and the sadness just disappears. A lot of these meds just put patients into an even keel kind of state. Some do feel more motivated, but others generally just feel blank. They don't feel sad, angry or anything... almost sedated.

 

There is a chance she needs to look into other medications. But with depression that comes from life events, those can be worked out with a therapist. But if it's a mental illness and she suffers from more than depression, the medication isn't always going to be a miracle drug.

[brains and brawn]

<snip>

 

i understand what your saying but for some hard reason, i cant get out of my head that she is taking advantage of my dad with his generosity. For example, these are the other details that i was talking about: my dad pays for her daughter phone so i noticed that she added a line to that phone so when my dad pays for her daughters phone he would have to pay for her phone as well cause the 2 phones are connected, stuff like that is what i think is not fair, she has not worked for 3 yrs, she is giving a bad example to her own daughter with just sleeping and eating all day, what im going to say next has little to with this issue but it is giving bad eating habits to her own daughter, my sister is also obese and her bad eating habits are rubbing off on her daughter, another major issue is that my sister does not clean anything in the house, she uses more the bathroon than me cause im 1 person but her daughter and herself use the bathroom more and they are 2 people, i used to clean the bathroom all the time but i just got tired of doing all the work and at that time i was going to college, i dont know i think its unfair...

[CherryT]

i understand what your saying but for some hard reason, i cant get out of my head that she is taking advantage of my dad with his generosity. For example, these are the other details that i was talking about: my dad pays for her daughter phone so i noticed that she added a line to that phone so when my dad pays for her daughters phone he would have to pay for her phone as well cause the 2 phones are connected, stuff like that is what i think is not fair, she has not worked for 3 yrs, she is giving a bad example to her own daughter with just sleeping and eating all day, what im going to say next has little to with this issue but it is giving bad eating habits to her own daughter, my sister is also obese and her bad eating habits are rubbing off on her daughter, another major issue is that my sister does not clean anything in the house, she uses more the bathroon than me cause im 1 person but her daughter and herself use the bathroom more and they are 2 people, i used to clean the bathroom all the time but i just got tired of doing all the work and at that time i was going to college, i dont know i think its unfair...

 

It's only unfair if you think that what she's getting is something you should get as well and you're not. Again, my point is your perception of this situation is that she's spoiled and privileged and not that of someone who has a mental illness and needs a bit of help.

 

What's unfair is that you don't care about the core issue (her wellness). All you care about is that it's 'unfair' because she's being treated this way and you're not.

 

It's really sad to see someone put down their own sibling who has a medical disability because they don't think being helped out is "fair". I have siblings and if any one of them went through depression or any other disorder, I would be there in a heart beat. Whatever I can do to help them get past it, I'd try. You're putting her down constantly and creating a wedge in the family for what? Because you think it's unfair. If she gets help, you should too. You're not helping, in fact you're probably making it worse. I could only imagine your attitude towards her...

 

All I can say is good for your father to stand by his child. He seems like a commendable man.