I Hate My Sister

[brains and brawn]

@cherry....your making me sound like if im a jealous brat, im NOT the jealous type at all, my main point why im saying all this is because i love my dad and i want to protect him from people taking advantage of him. My dad is Handicap (eye problem) and shouldnt be taking care of no one, actually we the kids should be taking care of him, im not a heartless person, if she would act alittle more normal, like have a job than maybe i can overlook things that she does.

We are not rich we are a middle class family, bills need to be paid and she has not been working for the past 3 yrs, would you like to have a kid that isnt productive and just stays home? like i have said 2 other times on this thread when she takes her pills, she acts normal therefore i treat her normal, everybody here is overthinking the depression aspect of the issue and im thinking more about my father and his handicap issue, my dad is legally blind and his condition worsens with age,my sister can take pills and shes fine but my father DOES NOT have a magic pill to fix his eye condition. i wish someone would understand me in my situation.

[CC12]

everybody here is overthinking the depression aspect of the issue and im thinking more about my father and his handicap issue, my dad is legally blind and his condition worsens with age

 

Does his handicap impair his cognitive abilities? Does he have trouble remembering things or making sense of situations?

[brains and brawn]

in my opinion, being blind is far worse than having depression

[CC12]

in my opinion, being blind is far worse than having depression

 

Would you mind answering my question? I asked if your father's cognitive abilities are diminished. For example, does he frequently get confused?

[brains and brawn]

Would you mind answering my question? I asked if your father's cognitive abilities are diminished. For example, does he frequently get confused?

 

no, but he is 76 yrs old and my sister does not get confused, if thats where you're going

[CherryT]

im not a heartless person, if she would act alittle more normal, like have a job than maybe i can overlook things that she does.

 

Just listen to what you are saying. You're not heartless but you refuse to accept and understand the fact that your sisters condition is actually something she can't control. Her depression is a condition. You may think being blind is far worse than depression but comparing disability with another is ridiculous. To think about it, it is pretty heartless for you to demand that she become normal... when it's OUT OF HER CONTROL. If she has been medically diagnosed with the condition, it's not like she can switch the switch and be 'normal'. It takes a lot of work and time to be able to function and cope with a mental disability.

 

And going off your text, you do sound entitled. You don't find it fair because she is getting treated a certain way and you don't. Again, it's a privilege you think she has over you. I think you are both concerned with your father but also partially jealous that your father is supporting your sister. You just refuse to understand that she is also someone in need.

 

In my family, if this happened I would be doing my damn best to support my sibling AND my parent. Not fighting with my parent about supporting my disabled sibling.

Edited August 9, 2013 by CherryT

[HokeyReligions]

Move out. Cut all family ties. Tell them you will only let them into your life when the 'act' the way you want them to act and that you will accept nothing less. Hint: say goodbye to your dad when you leave.

 

Now that you'll have more time use it to learn about depression. Take a class or volunteer in a hospital and talk to doctors and health care providers that deal with this. Then learn about parenting and family values. If you go to church talk to your minister.

 

Your posts make you sound like a spoiled narcissistic child. You may deny it but denial doesn't make it so.

[CC12]

no, but he is 76 yrs old and my sister does not get confused, if thats where you're going

 

No, that's not where I was going. My question had nothing at all to do with your sister.

 

I was honestly asking if your father's disability has anything to do with his mental health, because if it did and you honestly felt he was being taken advantage of, then you could call Adult Protective Services and maybe they would investigate.

 

But since his disability doesn't affect him mentally, it seems he's perfectly capable of making his own decisions. You don't have to like them and you don't have to agree. Complaining about it is a waste of your time, and feeling that it's all so very unfair is a waste of your emotional energy. You can't force people to make decisions that you approve of. Wash your hands of it.

 

May I ask why you're still living at your father's house?

[brains and brawn]

No, that's not where I was going. My question had nothing at all to do with your sister.

 

I was honestly asking if your father's disability has anything to do with his mental health, because if it did and you honestly felt he was being taken advantage of, then you could call Adult Protective Services and maybe they would investigate.

 

But since his disability doesn't affect him mentally, it seems he's perfectly capable of making his own decisions. You don't have to like them and you don't have to agree. Complaining about it is a waste of your time, and feeling that it's all so very unfair is a waste of your emotional energy. You can't force people to make decisions that you approve of. Wash your hands of it.

 

May I ask why you're still living at your father's house?

 

im liking your answer, i think i should "wash my hands"

I live with my dad cause i take care of him due to his handicap

[brains and brawn]

Move out. Cut all family ties. Tell them you will only let them into your life when the 'act' the way you want them to act and that you will accept nothing less. Hint: say goodbye to your dad when you leave.

 

Now that you'll have more time use it to learn about depression. Take a class or volunteer in a hospital and talk to doctors and health care providers that deal with this. Then learn about parenting and family values. If you go to church talk to your minister.

 

Your posts make you sound like a spoiled narcissistic child. You may deny it but denial doesn't make it so.

 

hmm really? nobody has ever said that. intresting. so nobody here understands where im coming from? at all? im not spoiled and im a full grown adult (in my 30's)

[CC12]

im liking your answer, i think i should "wash my hands"

I live with my dad cause i take care of him due to his handicap

 

Would it be possible for your sister to take care of him instead? Or her child who lives there? Can he afford to hire a professional to help out?

[brains and brawn]

Would it be possible for your sister to take care of him instead? Or her child who lives there? Can he afford to hire a professional to help out?

 

he cant afford to hire professional help, my niece is 20 yrs old, shes just a kid...and if i leave my sister with him, the abuse will continue BUT i give up, i have spoken with other people and im gonna be moving out in 5 months, i just cant take it anymore, i agree with what you said, im wasting energy and im holding in anger for nothing, i need to focus on myself this time, all these years ive taken my dad into consideration but i have to think about myself, i know it will be the hardest thing in the world for me to leave my dad but i have to do it cause all this anger that i have is bad for me, i will be moving to new jersey with my other sister, and im gonna be starting a new life maybe even get married and have a kid?

[CC12]

all these years ive taken my dad into consideration but i have to think about myself, i know it will be the hardest thing in the world for me to leave my dad but i have to do it cause all this anger that i have is bad for me, i will be moving to new jersey with my other sister, and im gonna be starting a new life maybe even get married and have a kid?

 

Yes, moving out is the right thing to do if you're miserable in that house and can afford to live on your own. When you move out, your dad will still have two adults (a 20 year old is an adult - not a kid) living with him. I'm sure they are capable of helping him. Right?

[CherryT]

hmm really? nobody has ever said that. intresting. so nobody here understands where im coming from? at all? im not spoiled and im a full grown adult (in my 30's)

 

If you're a full grown adult, you should know better and have a bit more sympathy for your sister.

 

You're only wanting to seek the answers you approve of. Anything that is "against" it you think we don't understand. I'm sure I understand where you're coming from because a) I've had to deal with depression PERSONALLY and b) I have had to deal with people in my family with multiple mental health issues.

 

Just because you're a full grown adult doesn't mean you don't have the expectations of a spoiled kid. What we're trying to get YOU to understand is what really is happening with your sister.

 

Unfortunately, life is unfair. Some people are dealt with certain cards. For myself: I'm not rich nor did I grow up with everything that I need. But, you make due with it. I probably have had a hell of a harder time than most of my peers because I just didn't have many opportunities. I don't dwell on the fact that I had less than most, but I do know that I have working body with a brain. So... I do the best I can and make the most of what I have. Instead of acting like this whole situation is unfair (it's bratty that you feel it has to be 50/50, sure if she was healthy it would be OK to expect that, but she's not) maybe you should see what you could do to better yourself. Just because I didn't grow up with what I thought I needed, it didn't stop me from building a business and buying my home. You can definitely do it as you're healthy and maybe so can your sister with a bit of encouragement.

 

You are a grown adult with no children. So you cannot possibly understand how your father is feeling with an unwell child. You also don't understand where your sister is coming from, because you haven't cared enough to put yourself in her shoes to to even understand her condition. And here you are asking why no one understands you? Well most of us would be in your spot... healthy, capable humans so we actually understand more than you want to believe.

 

So you can keep looking for the answers you hope to hear. Or actually listen to what others have said on this thread and shift how you perceive mental illness. And maybe then you'll understand that your sister isn't a horrible person. She's just someone who's living with mental health issues.

Edited August 9, 2013 by CherryT

[brains and brawn]

<snip>

 

thank you for your advice cherry.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

In what world is a 20 yr old a kid?

[brains and brawn]

 

And i dont think you hate your sister.

I think you hate the things she do.

 

wow, i never thought of it that way, very true.

[brains and brawn]

In what world is a 20 yr old a kid?

 

who ever is below 25 yrs old is a kid, or maybe im getting old...

[Nyla]

I can understand your frustration.

 

My parents coddle my youngest brother. He moved out at age 27, while the rest of his three siblings were out by their early twenties because my mother was cruel to us. He got someone pregnant while he was still in college and living at home. My parents helped him buy a car and my mother raised my niece for the first three years of her life. They even took in my niece's sister who is not my brother's biological child!

 

If the rest of the adult children in my family did something so stupid, we would not have been given so much help. We never got any help to purchase vehicles either. I feel that adults should do for themselves, but I also believe that parents should not give much more leeway or help to one adult child. The other part of this dynamic is my brother has always gotten away with murder because he is my mother's favorite. My parents are unhappy that the rest of their adult kids feel that their youngest is spoiled.

 

I spoke to my therapist about this situation and she said that parents will give more the weaker children who need the most assistance. She also said that youngest children are often spoiled and get the most relaxed version of their parents. Jealousy about who gets more in adulthood is really about long standing perceived favoritism.

 

Your sister is ill and disabled. My brother was stupid and irresponsible. Those types of siblings need more coddling. I was very ill with my bipolar disorder for many years, but I refused to sit on disability and live with my parents. I would rather fight an illness than let it win and my mood is improved by being a productive member of society. Through sheer grit and determination, along with listening to professionals, I now live a normal adult life. I finally finished college the way I could not because of how ill I was in my twenties, I'm married to a wonderful man and I don't collect disability. If I can do it, your sister can as well. She just has to crave recovery enough to try to make some changes.

[brains and brawn]

I can understand your frustration. <snip>

 

 

Like i have said before, im NOT jealous, thats not my style, it is RARE when i get jealous. if she would have a job and not ask my dad for money every other day then i can overlook the other things, is that too much to ask for? have a job and not ask for money?...just a thought, i wonder how this thread would be different if i havent added the 'hate' word on the title and not mention the depression part? just saying...

[CherryT]

Like i have said before, im NOT jealous, thats not my style, it is RARE when i get jealous. if she would have a job and not ask my dad for money every other day then i can overlook the other things, is that too much to ask for? have a job and not ask for money?...just a thought, i wonder how this thread would be different if i havent added the 'hate' word on the title and not mention the depression part? just saying...

 

You just don't get it. I feel sorry for you that you don't. Leaving out hate, fine. Leaving out the fact that she has depression just shows that you expect that she be a functionally adult. Unfortunately with mental illness, some people struggle to function. Your posts screams jealousy and entitlement.

 

Nyla was shining light at her own experience with depression and how she and your sister can achieve accomplishments, IF she craved it. And here you go again... You refuse to even accept her disability and you don't even encourage your sister to get better. You just want her to listen to the snap of your fingers and be normal.

Edited August 12, 2013 by CherryT

[brains and brawn]

****UPDATE**** (1 year later) hey guys, im still living with my dad and my sister is still here:( but i have thought of a new plan. i decided to drive her crazy enough that she would want to move on her own terms. and i think it is working, slowly but surely. In order to drive her crazy, i pick verbal fights with her for any little thing and go against her on everything she says. i want to kick her out but since its not my house and i cant tell her to leave, i have to do it under the radar without any violence, cops or insults. she said she is moving in Feb 2015, i plan to move also but dont know when since im having employment issues rite now. im hating miami for the last 5 yrs, dying to move back to new jersey, lets see what happens, ill update once something happens.

Edited September 2, 2014 by brains and brawn

[whichwayisup]

yeah but she is 49 years old !!! with 2 kids what more help can my dad do, when she takes her pills she acts normal, all she does is eat and sleep all day, my dad even took custody of her daughter, and took care of her daughter since she was 9 yrs old, her daughter which is my niece is 20 yrs old now, her 2 kids work now, she should make her life with her 2 kids and leave my dad alone, she said she will move but i dont believe till i see it...once i move i will never talk to her again in my life, she is dead to me, it is totally unfair that she used my father to raise her child

 

Do you understand what depression is and what it does to people?

 

She isn't "using" her dad, she's relying on him because she's mentally ill and not capable of being on her own.

 

Instead of hating her and (being jealous?) wishing her dead to you, why not talk to her? Try to help and encourage her to do counseling. She needs love and support not hate and venom.

[whichwayisup]

****UPDATE**** (1 year later) hey guys, im still living with my dad and my sister is still here:( but i have thought of a new plan. i decided to drive her crazy enough that she would want to move on her own terms. and i think it is working, slowly but surely. In order to drive her crazy, i pick verbal fights with her for any little thing and go against her on everything she says. i want to kick her out but since its not my house and i cant tell her to leave, i have to do it under the radar without any violence, cops or insults. she said she is moving in Feb 2015, i plan to move also but dont know when since im having employment issues rite now. im hating miami for the last 5 yrs, dying to move back to new jersey, lets see what happens, ill update once something happens.

 

Read my recent response and DO read up on depression and mental illness.

 

You're incredibly cruel. Do you want her to suffer more, maybe lose her own children? Drive her death?

 

Could you honestly sleep at night knowing you pulled it off and got her out of the house? Knowing that she would be homeless or living in a shelter with her 2 kids, aka YOUR nieces/nephews?

 

Not sure how old you are but I hope someday you mature and become an understanding and compassionate person and god forbid you ever go through bad times in your life and have to deal with a hateful and revengeful person who has it out for you.

[Quiet Storm]

My sister has a personality disorder, and my parents support her. They have spent far more money on her over the years with her treatment, housing, support, bailing her out financially, etc.

 

My sister also takes advantage of them, and has on occasion gone beyond that, even stealing from them and being very mean to them. Of course, it angered me to see her treat my parents like that. She is in her mid 30s.

 

What I have found though, is that it is worth the money/drama for them. They need to have that peace of mind They feel somewhat responsible for her condition (Long story, but she was sexually abused by a family member. My parents did not know he was a pedophile, but still feel guilt because it happened). All of her manipulative traits can be attributed to her BPD, and they accept this about her. They know that she is not right, and tolerate the behavior because they don't take it personally. They accept she can't help being this way. And despite that, they still love her, want to protect her and provide for her.

 

I suspect your father may be the same. He knows your sister is depressed and is not a normal functional person, and tolerates her behavior because it is part of her depression. He doesn't see her as a lazy mooch that's taking advantage of him. He sees her as a mentally ill person that needs support. Maybe he feels some guilt for how she turned out, maybe he feels responsible for her. And that's OK. She is his child.

 

You are getting angry because you want your sister to behave like a normal person. She has severe depression. She is not normal, and may not ever be normal. You expecting her to be normal is like expecting a paralyzed person to walk. She may just not be capable. Your father seems to have accepted this, but you have not.

 

Being mean to drive her away is cruel and shows the true nature of your character. You are coldly calculating ways to further your own agenda, and justify it as being "worried about your father". Your father is not intellectually impaired, so why the disrespect? Do you not understand that it may give him peace of mind to provide for your sister? Do you realize that he may want your sister living there with him? You are driving her away, with no consideration for how your father may feel about this. You talk about her bad behavior, but it's OK for you to manipulate the situation and control the circumstances? Doesn't your dad deserve to know you are trying to drive his daughter out of his home?

 

Show your father some respect. He chooses to help your sister, and his reasons are valid. He doesn't have to explain himself to you. He doesn't need you to protect him, especially when what you are really protecting is yourself and furthering your agenda (getting your sister out). Your behavior is very immature.

 

I have been where you are and I understand how frustrating and difficult it can be to live with a mentally ill sibling. When someone has physical impairments it's easier to be sympathetic and compassionate because you can see their limitations. With depression or other mental illness, their impairments are not visible. Their capabilites and limitations are all hidden in the mind. But just because we can't physically see it, doesn't mean that depression is not just as limiting as a physical disability. This is the part you are not getting. Your frustration is understandable, but your resentment is misplaced.

 

As I have matured and more years have passed, I have come to terms with my sister's personality disorder. I have accepted that lying, rages and manipulation are just part of her diagnosis. It sucks, I hate when she behaves that way, and I leave if I am around it. But she is just doing what BPD people do, like your sister is doing what depressed people do. She doesn't want to be that way, she is not choosing this, she is simply being who she is (a mentally or emotionally impaired person). Would we yell at an asthmatic for wheezing? Would we get angry at a diabetic when their blood sugar crashes? Would we blame a cancer patient for fatigue?

 

You need to give up your desire to control this situation as it is not healthy for any of you. If you don't like your sister's behavior move out, or at least leave when you feel your frustration level rising. Try to be more compassionate. Don't view her behavior as an intentional attack on you or your dad. Respect your fathers wishes. Understand that your father may not care about being manipulated by her- because he doesn't take it personally and understands its part of her illness. You want to enlighten your Dad so that he's feeling "She is taking advantage of me, she is not doing her part! Something must change or she's out!". You don't understand that he probably already knows she manipulates and chooses to help her anyway. She is his child, and the love is unconditional.

 

Understand that helping your sister may give your dad some peace, as he knows she is not capable of supporting herself and feels responsible. With your sister moved out, he may feel anxious about her well being, her whereabouts and the people she is around. It may be in both your father & sister's best interests for her to remain in the home with your dad.

Edited September 2, 2014 by Quiet Storm