MP leaving BS anxiety

[Speakingofwhich]

Has anyone experienced anxiety when the M person they were having an affair with made moves to leave their partner?

 

I would like my MM to leave his BW but when he starts to do it, I can't bear for her to be hurt.

 

For those who wonder how I can be a part of an A because it obviously hurts her, I have guilt about that, too, and have gone NC because of it. However, I have gone back into the A after NC.

 

Also, I'm certain the anxiety isn't because I don't want to be with him. I do want to be with him.

 

I wonder if this has happened to anyone else?

 

Thanks.

[Got it]

I don't think that is uncommon. I would recommend therapy to help you with this process and to wrap around how you feel and what you want to do.

 

((((((Speakingofwhich))))))

[canuckprincess]

Has anyone experienced anxiety when the M person they were having an affair with made moves to leave their partner?

 

I would like my MM to leave his BW but when he starts to do it, I can't bear for her to be hurt.

 

For those who wonder how I can be a part of an A because it obviously hurts her, I have guilt about that, too, and have gone NC because of it. However, I have gone back into the A after NC.

 

Also, I'm certain the anxiety isn't because I don't want to be with him. I do want to be with him.

 

I wonder if this has happened to anyone else?

 

Thanks.

 

I can certainly understand the way your feeling. Does the bs know about your affair and if so how long have you been with your mm.

[veryhappy]

Are you positive your anxiety is feeling bad for the wife, or are you uncertain about wanting to be with him?

[canuckprincess]

Please keep in mind a lot of mm say their leaving just to hold on to the ap when ap decides they want more. My mm has been saying it for over a year now. I love him and I want him but I hate that in order for that to happen he has to hurt his wife. One relationship must die before another can be born.

 

I'm curious as to what steps he's taken to end his marriage.

[Speakingofwhich]

I don't think that is uncommon. I would recommend therapy to help you with this process and to wrap around how you feel and what you want to do.

 

((((((Speakingofwhich))))))

 

Thank you for the hugs, Got it. Surprised how much they help!

 

(I don't know how to answer everyone's posts in one post so will post in separate ones, sorry)

[canuckprincess]

Thank you for the hugs, Got it. Surprised how much they help!

 

(I don't know how to answer everyone's posts in one post so will post in separate ones, sorry)

 

When responding to other people's post if you hit quote it will include other posting in you response so we'll know who your responding to.

[Ladydrib]

Has anyone experienced anxiety when the M person they were having an affair with made moves to leave their partner?

 

I would like my MM to leave his BW but when he starts to do it, I can't bear for her to be hurt.

 

For those who wonder how I can be a part of an A because it obviously hurts her, I have guilt about that, too, and have gone NC because of it. However, I have gone back into the A after NC.

 

Also, I'm certain the anxiety isn't because I don't want to be with him. I do want to be with him.

 

I wonder if this has happened to anyone else?

 

Thanks.

 

It has happened to me and my xAP. I reacted by pushing him closer to his BS because I felt guilty. Then afterwards I lost how close he was to leaving and I'd hurt and wonder why I was so stupid to encourage him to go back. I'm not sure how his guilt about me leaving manifested itself, but he did tell me he felt guilty about it.

[Speakingofwhich]

I can certainly understand the way your feeling. Does the bs know about your affair and if so how long have you been with your mm.

 

We were together a couple of years a long time ago. They had d day. He began to leave. I felt guilt and ran. This (separation) lasted a very long time.

 

We resumed A this year. Once again, I stopped it because of guilt. We both honored NC but then totally unplanned we connected without meaning to. Without describing it, it was totally by accident.

[Speakingofwhich]

Are you positive your anxiety is feeling bad for the wife, or are you uncertain about wanting to be with him?

 

I am certain I want to be with him.

[Ladydrib]

I am certain I want to be with him.

 

Are you married too?

[Speakingofwhich]

 

If ending his marriage is something he truly wants, his wife will be hurt either regardless. I'm not excusing an affair by the way nor minimizing her pain (because I'm sure she'll be in a lot of pain) but at this point, while your guilt is admirable, her husband wants to leave her (for whatever reasons) and frankly, you didn't feel guilty enough to end the affair earlier on so at this point it's fairly meaningless.

 

Edited to add: I'd also take what Cute Dragon said into account and see if that isn't the case. Also think over if your fears stem from whether or not your relationship with MM is viable outside of the secrecy of the affair.

 

Yes, she will be hurt either way. Intellectually, I believe it is better for her if they D so that she can find someone who will love her as a woman should be loved. I believe it is best for all involved if there is a D. As you may have noticed in other posts, I have felt guilty and ended the A more than once.

 

Thank you for your respectful kind post, even if you don't approve.

[Speakingofwhich]

It has happened to me and my xAP. I reacted by pushing him closer to his BS because I felt guilty. Then afterwards I lost how close he was to leaving and I'd hurt and wonder why I was so stupid to encourage him to go back. I'm not sure how his guilt about me leaving manifested itself, but he did tell me he felt guilty about it.

 

Thank you, Ladydrib. This has been very similar to my experience.

[Speakingofwhich]

Are you married too?

 

I am single.

[Ladydrib]

I am single.

 

You might be scaring him into thinking you are not serious about him. I used to want my xAP to ask me to leave my M. He never did and I interpreted that as though he wasn't serious.

 

If you really want this man I think the best thing for you to do is tell him you are certain you want him. But you believe he needs space and needs to sort out whether or not he will leave his wife without you in the picture. Then tell him you love him and goodbye. Tell him you'd like to hear from him if he leaves. And stick to it. I think that is the only answer.

[Goodbye]

Are you positive your anxiety is feeling bad for the wife, or are you uncertain about wanting to be with him?

 

 

I agree that it must be difficult to discern the true source of the anxiety. I think that, in this situation, taking a break would be good. I know usually "taking a break" is a euphemism for dumping someone. But, I think if you give each other real distance and space for a few months, the answers will become clear. And in the end, if he does leave his wife he is being more honest with her than he is presently, but having an affair.

 

Hang in there.

[Goodbye]

Your anxiety is normal, well-founded and frankly commendable (I guess) since there are so many other 'unrepentant' OWs who would be running around here and elsewhere further bashing the BW and congratulating themselves on how they "won" their MM.

 

Now, that being said as I stated earlier, that's normal and well-founded. Someone you (presumably) love is about to make a major change in their life and take the final steps to legitimizing your relationship. That in itself is a big deal but the fact that there is another woman whom will be devastated by this step is something else entirely.

 

If ending his marriage is something he truly wants, his wife will be hurt either regardless. I'm not excusing an affair by the way nor minimizing her pain (because I'm sure she'll be in a lot of pain) but at this point, while your guilt is admirable, her husband wants to leave her (for whatever reasons) and frankly, you didn't feel guilty enough to end the affair earlier on so at this point it's fairly meaningless.

 

Edited to add: I'd also take what Cute Dragon said into account and see if that isn't the case. Also think over if your fears stem from whether or not your relationship with MM is viable outside of the secrecy of the affair.

 

 

 

Welcome back! See you have a new name. How's LA?

[Speakingofwhich]

Thanks, everyone.

[SunsetRed]

YES, Ive experienced this. I think its because deep down, I am afraid of a true relationship and a true commitment. There's some part of me that feels comfortable and safe in my own single life/little world.

 

There's another very human part of me that craves love and nurturing and craves all the things or at least some of the things a man can give a woman.

 

I think Im subconsciously drawn to married or separated men because I get to have some love but theres no threat of disruption to the life that feels safe for me. Having been a victim of domestic violence and having had an abusive childhood, made the option of remarriage and a family lifestyle feel like a threat to my well being. So, there's definitely some issues going on as to how I got myself into a relationship w an MM.

 

So, when he would say he was leaving, I did get scared. Of course, there's also the real fears that he'll bail on me and go back to her, but there's also the fear of being w someone on a day to day basis.

 

Ive known other OW who have chosen being a mistress as a lifestyle/relationship choice, kind of like which gender you chose to be with is a relationship choice. Many OW will say that they wouldn't want him if he actually left the wife.

 

So, yes, being anxious when the MM says he's going to leave the W and come to you is very common.

[Speakingofwhich]

"So, when he would say he was leaving, I did get scared. Of course, there's also the real fears that he'll bail on me and go back to her, but there's also the fear of being w someone on a day to day basis.

 

Ive known other OW who have chosen being a mistress as a lifestyle/relationship choice, kind of like which gender you chose to be with is a relationship choice. Many OW will say that they wouldn't want him if he actually left the wife.

 

So, yes, being anxious when the MM says he's going to leave the W and come to you is very common.

 

Yes, Sunset, there is a fear of going through the process, I'm sure. I don't think I'm afraid of being with someone day-to-day as I've been married previously so know I would like that.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's helpful.

[Speakingofwhich]

Maybe the anxiety comes from knowing he is a cheater and a liar. Is this who you want?

 

I would like to share more about the circumstances of his marriage but I am concerned about being identified. I have never posted on a public forum before so I'm trying to share what I need to while protecting the parties involved.

 

I do trust this man. The anxiety is not coming from that issue. But, I understand why you would ask that.

 

Thank you so much for your post, Kristi.

[Speakingofwhich]

Forgot to address the part of your post where you mentioned friends you've had that wanted the lifestyle of OW/mistress.

 

That's not me. Too much guilt. Plus, I like having the man I love around 24/7.

[awkward]

I would like to share more about the circumstances of his marriage but I am concerned about being identified. .

 

Trust me. There are tons of MM who are only married on paper and living with their BS as roommates/siblings. Just don't post names, locations, jobs, etc.

[waytogo]

Has anyone experienced anxiety when the M person they were having an affair with made moves to leave their partner?

 

I would like my MM to leave his BW but when he starts to do it, I can't bear for her to be hurt.

 

For those who wonder how I can be a part of an A because it obviously hurts her, I have guilt about that, too, and have gone NC because of it. However, I have gone back into the A after NC.

 

Also, I'm certain the anxiety isn't because I don't want to be with him. I do want to be with him.

 

I wonder if this has happened to anyone else?

 

Thanks.

 

 

Outside of this situation having A involved, sometimes change is scary, even if it was something we wanted. When I actually knew my now H, was serious about me, and I so wanted him and only him...let's just say it's a miracle he didn't change his mind.

 

I felt confused and disoriented. I tested him to the last power bill in his filing cabinet. This wasn't about the person he was. It was about what I had done in the past. I didn't consider myself a person that, but I did.

 

In your case, you know what he DID do in the past. Doesn't mean he will always do that. I'm sure it leaves questions for you.

 

Do take care of you

[whichwayisup]

Just focus on you and your life and allow him to end his marriage on his terms and time frame. If you two are meant to be, he'll do this correctly and try his best to make as painless and as quickly as he can for his wife. Even though he may be saying and thinking and planning is one thing, actually pulling the trigger and doing it is another. There probably is a lot to be settled, the house, their finances, children custody if there are any - Child support and possible spousal support as a well. ALL that you shouldn't get caught up in as it's their marriage that is ending and they need to deal with it without outside influences. It's still an end of a marriage, a life built that is ending and changing...He still will need to grieve that loss. He loses his in laws and the life as he known it for a long time, so allow him to time to grieve and be on his own before jumping in and starting a new life with you.