MP leaving BS anxiety

[sad puppy]

Listen to whichwayisup's advice. She is correct. I left my MM on Jan 1 2012, saying I was finished. He had already separated the previous fall. It was difficult emotionally and confusing. I resolved to move on with my life. He began asking me out last Sep, and has continued, and I have said no, that I wouldn't even consider it unless he was divorced. He has filed. He has been in IC for past two years. His divorce should be final this fall.

 

I have stayed out of all of it. I'm not even sure I want to start up with him again. We have had some deep conversations but I just don't know if I want to move forward with him.

 

I think cheaters have issues. Duh. And I also think that if they separate and divorce, the affair partner needs to stay out of it. Altogether. I needed to move on. I needed to allow him to figure out his own ****, to date if he wanted to, to find his own way.

 

I've made big changes in my life since I have seen him. If we get together in the future, it will be a complete restart, to begin anew. Not sure if that will happen but I know we needed to get out of the affair dynamic, one way or another.

 

I think a woman waiting in the wings at the time of separation, divorce proceedings is a fool. I don't see how you can go on and just start a healthy relationship amongst all of that. If you are meant to be, you will be. But it's best to keep away from the drama and confusion. Been there.

[whichwayisup]

Hey SP nice to see you! PM me!

 

Now it's my turn, listen to Sad Puppy (you should be called Super Puppy now!) as she has been where you are and has some golden advice so please take it to heart and maybe learn through her experience to save you a lot of heartache and pain.

[Speakingofwhich]

"In your case, you know what he DID do in the past. Doesn't mean he will always do that. I'm sure it leaves questions for you.

 

Do take care of you

 

Understanding the entire situation makes a difference for me. She had been unfaithful to him in a most egregious manner (though guess unfaithfulness is always egregious, huh? But, this was one of the worst) so that few men would have stayed on.

 

It was right after this that we met and he was on his way out. I left before he made the move. But, then a son died suddenly and MM stayed to stabilize the family. They've had a lot of tragedy, actually before that and since.

 

He is a good man who has carried the weight of the world on his shoulders his entire life.

 

It's helping me to post here and also to read what is being written. There is some excellent advice being posted. And I have so much to learn. Thank you.

[Speakingofwhich]

Thanks for sharing your experiences & advice, Sunset, Waytogo, Whichway and Sad Puppy.

 

I'm surprised at how helpful this is. I am reading and rereading the posts.

[Speakingofwhich]

Update: Since my last post I have thought a lot and prayed a lot about the situation.

 

The anxiety has subsided and I have peace about doing what is best for everyone involved.

 

My belief is that whatever is best for him and for her is best for me.

 

Today he called and we decided to go LC. He is ready have a conversation with her which will include other things they haven't dealt with over the course of their M.

 

It's a journey and this is a road that must be taken.

 

Things were progressing for this to happen but I didn't expect it at this time. Thought it would be a year or two down the road.

 

I am very calm; at peace and very surprised to be so. I am 100% supportive of his decision to talk to his W about their marriage history.

 

But, here I am, basically without him now. And joining the OW on LS who are in the same sitch. I honestly believe it will be NC, not LC. He is disciplined and so am I and NC is the thing that makes sense. Was easier to say LC, rather than NC.

 

Btw, I know it is possible that WS and BS will R as they begin to discuss their issues. If they do, then I am supportive of that as it's a very long term M. But, of course, it will mean he and I will never contact each other again.

[HopingAgain]

Listen to whichwayisup's advice. She is correct. I left my MM on Jan 1 2012, saying I was finished. He had already separated the previous fall. It was difficult emotionally and confusing. I resolved to move on with my life. He began asking me out last Sep, and has continued, and I have said no, that I wouldn't even consider it unless he was divorced. He has filed. He has been in IC for past two years. His divorce should be final this fall.

 

I have stayed out of all of it. I'm not even sure I want to start up with him again. We have had some deep conversations but I just don't know if I want to move forward with him.

 

I think cheaters have issues. Duh. And I also think that if they separate and divorce, the affair partner needs to stay out of it. Altogether. I needed to move on. I needed to allow him to figure out his own ****, to date if he wanted to, to find his own way.

 

I've made big changes in my life since I have seen him. If we get together in the future, it will be a complete restart, to begin anew. Not sure if that will happen but I know we needed to get out of the affair dynamic, one way or another.

 

I think a woman waiting in the wings at the time of separation, divorce proceedings is a fool. I don't see how you can go on and just start a healthy relationship amongst all of that. If you are meant to be, you will be. But it's best to keep away from the drama and confusion. Been there.

 

 

Very good advice!

[Speakingofwhich]

Very good advice!

 

Thanks for reminding me of sadpuppy's and whichwayisup's advice, Hoping. I'm really surprised how helpful the support at LS is. These are things I need to hear and can't talk about with anyone here.

 

Even though I knew I needed to get some time/space from MM, it was hard to read the posts advising it. But, it prepared me for today and LC (NC, I believe and hope for).

 

Can hardly believe I feel so good about all of this but am waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Know as time goes on it will probably become difficult.

[Speakingofwhich]

I can certainly understand the way your feeling. Does the bs know about your affair and if so how long have you been with your mm.

 

Sorry it's taken so long to get back with you, canuck.

 

BS found out about the first go round many years ago. It lasted two or three years then. I left at D day though he would have continued. We reconnected a few months ago after many years of very limited contact, say, every two or three years I would hear from him briefly for updates on his life. I was emotionally disconnected and really didn't share anything about my life with him during those times.