help im at my wits end!! husband and step son

[butterflygrl]

hey all i have a question.. i think my ss son needs some kind of responsibiltyand i have stated this to my h and my h gives me static about it .. i suggest since he is 14 yrs old he needs to take some responsibilty and wash his own clothes and my h says no he isn't he will ruin them!!!

 

i have showed my ss how to wash clothes them out by hand when he forgets to tell me to wash something and needs it the next day.. and i have already finished washing for the day.. i have showed him three times how to wash clothes in a washing machine .. he says noone has showed him that is a lie!!

 

he won't take out the trash and when he does clean his room and bathroom its only when he wants to go somewhere in otherwords when it is convient for him he will do it!! he lives with us full time and also when i say something about doing something he goes and tatles on me to his dad and then his dad iscalling me asking what you say to him why you gotta be like that you must hate him whatever!!

 

he wants me be a parent to him and help h with him take him to school but yet i can't say nothing to him as far as disiplining goes i don't get that!! i have been with ss since he was 1yr 1/2 so its not like he hasn't bee n getting disipline just recently .. the thing is im more stern and stick to what i say and h lets him do pretty much what he wants any replys are greatly appreciated .. i so tired of being made out to be the wicked stepmom .. that is a damn story tell not real .. that story book has given step moms a bad name!!!! thanks sorry so long

[Ladyjane14]

Your stepson's behavior might not have anything to do with you. It doesn't matter if you're the 'mom' or the 'stepmom', at 14 they all have the ability to be 'natural-born butt-heads'!

 

You might consider buying a copy of Dr. Phil's Family First. I haven't read it myself yet, but I know that he recommends having a 10 minute daily meeting with your spouse to discuss parenting issues. I can't see that hurting your situation one bit.

 

Once you are discussing the issues as a family, and everyone is getting some input into the discussion, I think you'll find that you are not viewed as the bully quite as often.

 

Good Luck!

[butterflygrl]

thanks for your reply landyjane14 .. me and my h have been to counseling and brought up this situation to our counselor and he agrees with me a 14 yr old needs some type of responsibilty .. my h agreed with the counselor however when we get home it hasn't changed .. my counselor also said he needed to wash his own clothes and h agreed but when i say this my h says i hate my stepson just because i feel he needs responsibilty!!

[SoleMate]

...when he forgets to tell me to wash something and needs it the next day...

...then he has to go without. Right?

 

I find it really helps to make sure that children experience the logical consequences of their behavior (not for two year olds playing in traffic, obviously). PLEASE don't rush around making up for his forgetfulness.

 

my h says no the stepson isn't [washing his own clothes] he will ruin them!!!

Teach him one more time only how to do it properly, then let him go. If he ruins his clothes through careless washing technique, then he will just have to wear them shrunken, stained, lint covered, and elastic-popping-off until his next scheduled clothing replacement. If that doesn't bother him, well then, he's 14, and he needs to start learning to live life on his own terms.

 

Consequences. Try it. Worked great on me.

[butterflygrl]

thanks for your reply soulmate.. you are so right but i am so tired of trying to get my h to see the big picture that ss needs some form of responsibilty so when he goes on to college he won't be lost .. im just through with the ss.. im going to let my h take care of it thanks again

[anon2]

Just a thought. If you only want to wash your own clothes, go for it. But if you have been washing his clothes and he is a kid used to that, a part of him sees you as rejecting him as a mother.

 

If that is not the case, make that clear to him that it is a growing up exercise.

 

BTW, why doesn't your husband show him how to wash his clothes?

 

Is this really about an issue of you not wanting to wash youir husband's clothes anymore but the kid is an easier target?

 

BTW II, I wash my own clothes, our kids wash their own clothes. Wife washes her own clothes.

 

In a pinch any of us washes everyone else's clothes. Especially the toss it in the dryer to free up the washer moments.

[butterflygrl]

i don't mind washing anybodys clothes .. i just think he needs to be shown some type of responsibilty .. he is 14yrs old he needs to be treated like it not a baby.. hubby says he will ruin his clothes i think thats bull ... ss is too damn lazy to do anything if it requ9ires any labor!!!!!!!!!

[SoleMate]

So, his dad can wash his boy's clothes.

 

Honestly, sounds like the stepson is not really the problem here. The problem appears to be the fact that you and your husband don't agree on your expectations of him. I happen to think your H is doing his boy a big disservice by fostering such an advanced level of dependency. A good parent gives responsibility and privileges to a child commensurate with the child's age and capabilities. To do otherwise is to cripple your child.

 

Is your H seriously saying that his 14 year old son - normal intelligence and health, right? - cannot wash his own clothes??? Think about that for a while. I doubt if it takes a 3rd grade education.

 

Also, I agree with anon2 - in my house everybody washes their own clothes, including the 11 year old. She's been trained. I do the 4 year old's laundry, but she helps at every stage.

[The_Analyzer]

Hi, I completely agree with solemate on this. You and your husband should try to come to some kind of understanding as far as what is expected of the boy. Also when a child doesn't have or learn responsibilties, when they grow up and do move away from home to try and make a life of their own. They will probably be lost as to what to do. Not only that, but by him not having or taking some responsilbilty for things now, he might later on in life get into a relationship with someone or even marry someone then expect that person to do everything for him. Sounds like he has been babied alot. If it doesn't stop now, thats how he will think women should treat him. Good luck.

 

 

Just my 2 cents.

[No One]

I would have to disagree with this one. I'm sorry but giving a child responsibilities like washing the laundry won't stimulate a child's development. Just because he doesn't do his own laundry doesn't make him dependent on his parents. That's ridiculus! I completely agree with his father though I don't think he should have yielded with your counsel. Though he probably did that to shut her/him up.

 

Maybe I'm a little bias b/c I hated my step father when I was growing up and didn't care to do anything he said simply because I had absolutely no respect for him, that and he's a fudging SOB, not to mention sicko.

 

Doing the laundry is trival - give him a project if you really wanted to see growth in him. Stimulate his mind by asking him to solve complex problems. For instance, ask him to build a robot that would do his laundry for him. How about that? My biological father used to give me challenges like this all the time and as a result I was programming and designing circuits before my 12th birthday. Unfortunatelym a fudging drunk killed him after I turned 12 and the SOB tried to take his place.

 

I really think you are making a big deal out of nothing - if you really wanted him to take on responsibilites than you could think of creative ways to motivate him. Like you said - it doesn't take a genius to do laundry and obviously he's using, "no one has showed me...blah..blah..." only as an excuse.

[butterflygrl]

i am so sorry your step father was that way to you noone but not every step parent hates the step child i don't buy that at all...i think all kids need some type of responsibilty when they reach a certain age and now is the time for my ss .. i treat my ss as if he was my own but i think that you are suppose to give respect to every adult no matter who they are bio or not ... that is just plain respect.. i am not mean to ss at all.. i gave up my car payment and lost my car so i could buy ss a racing bike for his xmas.. now is that mean !! i lost my car so don't give me that ****!!! i just think the 14 yr old need some type of responsibilty.. isn't that what a parent is suppose to do.. he sure can't learn it from his crack head mom when she doesn't even keep a job or a home so im trying to teach him some responsibilty.... he could atleast clean his room or take out the trash .. i don't ask very much of him .. yes i agree with analyzer he is babied and still is .. if he don't get his way he crys and pouts .. he will driving soon he needs some type of responsibilty.. my 5 yr old has more responsibilty than he does .. and that is sad.. she got a terrific kid award for being responsible.. i just don't want him to get out in the real world and not be able to take care of himself thats all!!! thanks for all the replys..

[izzybelle]

although it sounds like there may be going on, as the mom of a 13 yr. old boy they can be difficult at times about showing any need or desire for responsibility unless they know it's the key to being able to do what they want. the easiest way for me to get my son to clean his room is to agree to let him have a sleepover only if it's been cleaned.

 

a couple of questions...

 

how much time is he with you? and what's his life like at his mom's if he's there much?

i ask this because i'm divorced and split custody with my ex. when he's at his dad's (who is overly strict to put it nicely) he and my 11 yr. old daughter take most of the responsibility for running the house. i think my ex does the laundry (sometimes, although he only tends to wash his clothes and forgets to wash the kids) and cooks and the kids do the rest. i put my foot down when i found out he had my daughter (who although she's 11 is the size of a typical 9 yr. old, at best) mowing the lawn but otherwise i obviously have no say in what goes on there. my daughter has told me that when they are with me it feels like a vacation to them. they know i won't lose it if their rooms are a little messy and that i'm just more easy going. so, they don't have much motivation to do things but will, as i said, when they know that something is contingent upon it being done.

 

as i'm painfully (at times) discovering this is a difficult age for boys (my daughter hasn't hit it yet but i'm guessing it will be difficult in different ways). my son also, is falling into the habit of either asking me to do something or when i say "no he can do it himself" he asks his sister to do it. i've had numerous discussions with her about waiting on her brother, she gets him things, cooks food for him, etc., etc. i don't know how much your little girl idolizes her big brother but this can also be a potential problem.

[butterflygrl]

thanks again for the replys .. ss lives here full time!! sees bm occasionally not alot!! from what she says she makes him pickup after himself .. he don't have respect for her or dad so why so i think he should have respect for me!!

[CraigC]

I happen to think your H is doing his boy a big disservice by fostering such an advanced level of dependency. A good parent gives responsibility and privileges to a child commensurate with the child's age and capabilities. To do otherwise is to cripple your child.

 

My mother did "everything" for us (5 children). And her doing so definitely did not cripple any of us. In fact, we're all quite hard working, etc

 

Also when a child doesn't have or learn responsibilties, when they grow up and do move away from home to try and make a life of their own. They will probably be lost as to what to do. Not only that, but by him not having or taking some responsilbilty for things now, he might later on in life get into a relationship with someone or even marry someone then expect that person to do everything for him. Sounds like he has been babied alot. If it doesn't stop now, thats how he will think women should treat him. Good luck.

 

See above. I never had any such idea in my head with my gfs or wife. Again, if anything, it's exactly the opposite. With my brother too.

 

Parents can teach responsibility through other ways: talking and listening, letting the children play, teaching them to be good people and good citizens, having them focus on school work (we were told school was our job), etc.

 

Mind you, I don't necessarily see anything wrong with the request for the boy to wash the clothes in and of itself, just that there are other ways for things and responsbilities to occur. For instance, maybe he'd be quite willing to paint the house, build a shed in the backyard, while washing clothes is simply not his thing. And as somebody else mentioned, he may be up for more challenging ways to accomplish the same task.

[The_Analyzer]

Looks like you're an exception to the rule.

[butterflygrl]

thanks again for the replys .. maybe you are an acception to the rules craig c but every child no matter what age needs to learn some form of responsibilty to prepare them later on in life when they do have to have responsibilties and become adults.. he does nothing around here he could be mowing, taking out the trash, making his bed .. he won't do any labor so painting the house or building anthing is out of the question.. let me put it like this my daughter is 5 and helps me more than he ever has... thanks again for your reply analyzer..

[CraigC]

We don't have all your facts, so perhaps there is an issue with the boy, or it may "simply" be going through "being a teenager", but I think my point was missed: We/I WERE taught responsibility, it just wasn't through washing our clother. My parents were very strict, and for hem it was about lifelong responsibilities and values, not about bringing garbage cans out to the curb.

 

As an example in contrast: there were 5 boys and 2 girls in the house next door. From what I can recall, they had to do chores around the house from birth. They had to do things like vacuum, clean the house, etc. I can recall many times where I had to wait to play with them because they had to wash the dishes first. Their father was the "block captain". Their mother seemed normal. All seemingly good roots and noble. But once their foot was out the door they were in another world: stealing, burning things, breaking into houses, breaking windows, they were not good students, etc. I saw these things with some of the other "classic" families too. So sure, the dishes were sparkling, but not much else could be said. So in the end, the "responsibility" of bringing out the garbage is fine, but as to its in/direct impact any preparation or adulthood is suspect to me, certainly it is not always the case that it has the desired impact with every person.

 

I now have two girls, and I conduct myself as my parents did. Their job/responsibility is to be good students, at least to try their best. IMO, school these days (New York City public school) is way hard, and the kids deserve all the opportunity and backing to do it right. (besides my older daughter don't seem to even have free time with all the HW they are given.) And they should be rewarded for that (that being trying their best). They are also supposed to and expected be kind to others. That can be a real task.

 

I also go over with them things like how to deal with problem solving... not math, but things how to work through confrontations, how to lead a team, how to work with somebody who is a problem, how not to give up easily, how to allocate a prioritize their time, how to learn to correct their mistakes, how to find the answers to things they don't know, etc. If it matter any, they are 4 and 9 years old.

 

And so on (the above is just one facet of many different aspects of things we do with them). The intent is to get them well adjusted, keen on their own thought processes, give them confidence, be familiar with how to work with people, see things through, etc.

 

I'll take these values and responsibilities any day of the week over a trash can. And as to that, they do have chores, but they are as time permits. They may set the table, help me snap peas, mix batter, etc. I do easy bake with them, etc etc. I do crafts with them.

EVen things they are not make to do themselves, they are made familiar with. For instance, certainly I would not make them mow the lawn, but they certainly know how I do it, not just by watching me (so they can learn by example too), but by letting them tell me how they would do it themselves.

 

I would also much rather be with them to _start_ a task, like cleaning their room, then just dropping it on them, using it as a weapon, whatever. That way they can see it can be done nonconfrontationally, and as a team, and also put a fun spin on it, whether it is a song, a reward, etc, than a fight (there's enough of those to go around already, and yes, I do yell! ).

 

Again, maybe your ss is a louse, going through a phase, something, but it seems to me that there are many ways to teach him responsibility, many want to prepare him for later life, and many ways to know what to do when he is an adult. If he's not a louse, then you'll need to find what words and ways gets through to him. Maybe just showering him with love. Maybe sitting with him and showing him you are interested in what he things and does. Maybe helping him through a subject he is not doing well in in school, etc.

 

I don't know your situation, so probably you are doing all these things or you wouldn't be so frustrated. I guess what I'm saying is that everybody is different so it may take a different strategy with him. I hear you that he doesn't like to paint the house and such either, but what does he like? Is he a good student? Does he like certain music or hobbies? Try to see if you can't play off that if he is being unresponsible, like go to a concert with him, make something with him, etc, even if you hate to do those things things yourself. And once he sees that there is light at the end of the tunnel, give him ultimatums. Somebody mentioned letting him wear dirty clothes. When he starts stinking or and gets teased maybe, or has a girl issue over it, or gets a rash or something, he'll hopefully start thinking twice. It'll also show him you mean business. Of course, all in some way so that he doesn't get doesn't get resentful.

[butterflygrl]

thanks again craig c.. what it all bils down to is that he doesn't want anybody telling him what to do.. he doesn't want any kind of authority figure .. he wants to come and go as he please..i blame my h for never taking the bull by the horns and making him have rules and chores .. i think it is way too late .. just don't have the energy...

[CraigC]

IMO, an aspect of a family is to be a team, working together, cooperating, sharing, etc. If he doesn't want to be part of that team, then perhaps you should let him have his way for now. Like as in not doing anything for him, no money, no washing, no cooking, no bringing him places. Not so much for revenge but perhaps as a way to understand it's the fair thing.

 

BTW, you keep saying about your husband..... from what I think I recall your saying, you've been with the boy now for 12 years? Clearly you must take, and have taken, care of the boy? But it sounds like your husband does not let you have any say with the boy ever? If so, that seems to destroy the team too. What, you are only just his wife, but supposed to be nothing to the boy? Or am I mistaken? I don't get this part.... why must only the biological father have all the say? Or is this just a fundamental difference in child rearing you both have?

[butterflygrl]

thanks agian craig c .. yes thats right i have been with stepson for 12 yrs but anytime i try to to take the upper hand with the child .. i get **** like you don't hate him .. or why are you always on him... im so sick of it .. h can deal with it im through.. yes i should be able to but if i do i am being mean or step son runs and call dad so im damned if i do and damned if i don't !! i can't win and tired of all the fighting .. so i will let him deal from now on .. you might think thats mean but you aren't in the situation so you shouldn't jugde.. thanks again to all replys

[CraigC]

I don't think it's mean. From what you've said, you've done the correct and noble thing to date, and I can clearly see being fed up and a thousand things more.

 

You're right, I am not in your situation. I am however in a similar one (hence one reason why I've posted), with my wife and I and our 2 children (no step-'s involved). And although I've "given up" on my wife, I can't imagine that I will ever do so for my children. My mother died a year and a half ago, and I am so at peace for having known her, and for her setting the example for me of sticking with me no matter what and trying to get me to see the positive side of things, etc. And as she did for my brothers and sisters.

 

So while it's tough, and no doubt will get tougher in the next few years, I guess what I'm saying is that I always feel there are odd surprises in store. For instance, even though he may not show it now, when he's say 25 (when he's matured some is what I'm saying), you may have an amazing relationship with him, because he'll know you tried, knew you made the effort, etc. I can't imagine my girls are going to ever respect my wife despite that now she basically lets them (4 and 9 years old) do whatever they want while at the same time never doing anything with them.

 

I have my fed up periods too (not with the girls though) where I really must be out of the picture. I also don't do certain things anymore because it is not worth it. It's helps, but it's a painful approach although I have no choice. So coming full circle, I don't think it's mean, sometime it's a matter of survival, at least to allow oneself to get somewhat refreshed.

[glitter]

Originally posted by butterflygrl

i don't mind washing anybodys clothes .. i just think he needs to be shown some type of responsibilty .. he is 14yrs old he needs to be treated like it not a baby.. hubby says he will ruin his clothes i think thats bull ... ss is too damn lazy to do anything if it requires any labor!!!!!!!!!

[butterflygrl]

what is with all the quotes glitter you didn't say what that meant!!